Ok...still have loads of things to report about - but this weekend has just been a bit insane...
1 - FLAME happened...content may have been a bit dubious at points - adoration was by far the best part of the day...but I had a brilliant volunteering job of being a VIP runner...so much fun - I smiled and laughed through the tiredness.

2 - Petts Wood Festival Chorus sang last night -Stainer's The Crucifixion...a thank you to Helen for when we had to give the thank you gifts for saying "I will let you give the gift to the hotter singer...but that is only because I am already married". Oh how we laughed. Beautiful piece of music though...and hopefully money made for marie curie cancer care.

I have lots of news to fill people in on - lots of small steps have been taken recently - but my news today is:

one year off my medication. One whole year!
The irony is that in the last 2 weeks I have felt more down then I have for a long time...but it has still been a year.

So, it turns out that my confirmation kids were perfectly behaved on Saturday. I think the surroundings helped. There was a deep intake of breathe when they entered (the majority had not been there before), and they set about doing their worksheet we had for them (that will be going in their confirmation pack that we are putting together for them). The staff and stewards at the cathedral were lovely - in fact they asked 4 of my young 'uns to do the take up the gifts during the service. After Mass, when the cathedral was emptying, the cathedral administrator gave us our own little tour and history of the cathedral, really interacting with the children, and meant that the cathedral had to stay open a little longer then usual for this to happen, and meant that we were the only ones left in there! As I was the last out, I turned around and took a quick picture of an empty westminster cathedral. Epic. A huge thank you to all the staff and priests there for helping us, being friendly towards us, and even mentioning that we were their in the prayers, and praying for us! I really believe the kids are developing, and realising that I am there to help them develop and learn about their faith and not just to tell them to turn their phone off, stop talking and remove their chewing gum!!

Yesterday I went to a very interesting debate held at university: 'Holiness and Wisdom and the beginning of life: When does human life become morally significant?'
Two speakers - a Professor of Medicine (and an Anglican Priest) and Peter Smith (the Archbishop of Southwark). Both spoke very well, and provided an interesting account of the ethics and morality of embryonic stem cell research. I had a very long conversation with Peter Smith afterwards...about many different things - including a question I had been too scared to ask in the open forum...to which he said "and this is the type of question that we needed in the debate - something very well articulated". But we had a long chat about faith formation and development, East Anglia, Taize and time! I said I would be seeing him in 2 days time as I am sponsoring a couple converting to Catholcism and this weekend is Rite of Election!

This evening, I will however be meeting with another Southwark Bishop who answered my e-mail and agreed to attend the Taize prayer around the cross at Southwark Anglican Cathedral this evening. I will be leaving to go and see Frere Paolo shortly, and hope that the St James Taize cross has arrived at the cathedral safely as are lending it to them!! I hope that this service goes well, as I am really wanting to get Taize more on the scene in Southwark - Peter Smith has encouraged me to keep going with it (and it is really helped by that fact that Bishop Michael always used to tell him to go, and that I had been told by Bishop Michael to plug Taize in Southwark)....so we shall see what Bishop Paul makes of it. But I am also excited about seeing other Taize friends who have indicated that they will be attending this evening...

in a few hours time I am taking my confirmation candidates to Westminster Cathedral for a tour of the cathedral and Mass....I hope they are far better behaved then when they went to their actual dioesan cathedral. Lets pray for them. They need prayer!

today I have dipped into gloom mood. I dont know why - but I have not been myself, and I feel all out of sorts.
I went to Mass in my lunch hour to give myself a spiritual kick...and to get through the afternoon...
On getting home, I did not feel much better, even when getting some lovely texts from some people attempting to cheer me up and giving me some prayers.

But, I got some news this evening that did cheer me slightly...I have been asked to be godmother to me neice. A complete little pleasure...this cheered me. An honour. My little neice is gorgeous and makes me smile...and now I will have this extra bit of responsibility for her. May God bless her.

yet another friend recently diagnosed with depression - literally sad times. It is horrible to see my friends so down, frustrated, tired. I pray for you all. At the same time, I am being given a little purpose allowing people to talk through things with me...on that note- although it has been nearly a year since I have been clear of the meds - I am still by no means better - I still have bad days, I am just trying to find other ways to cope with them. So yes, I am talking through situations with people, encouraging them, and praying that they can soon see the light out of the dark situation they are in.

On a more positive note the homily I helped to write received positive feedback...ha...I could have made a good priest. I was also able to talk openly and honestly to my confirmation candidates about the importance of prayer, and how they really need to pray to develop their relationship with God - blessed moment. Let us see how they act when we take them to Westminster Cathedral on Saturday!

And on a tragic note - I had a surprise visitor in London yesterday, which meant for a cheeky late afternoon pint. Before this happened I was in the post office with him laughing about my lack of valentines day card (not even a pity one from my dad), and the man behind the counter felt so sorry for me he said, "I do feel sorry for you. It's not right really is it? Here, look, have this chocolate - go on, have it". My friend nearly wet himself laughing at the situation....I told this to a down friend - and it made them laugh. You see - my tragic love-life situations are a huge source of amusement to others. Job done!

This week, I took a few days leave to go and visit some friends in Norwich. I have to say - it was such a blessed time, and I thank all the people that I spent time with and spoke to - there are three people who deserve a mention...

Luke - I have known Luke for about 4 years now, and bar a few occassions where we have met in the UK for special events (most notably his ordination for the priesthood and Bishop Michael's funeral), my only real interaction with Luke has been in (surprise, surprise) - Taize. But Luke (and the fellow priests at Cathedral House) let me stay in the guest room. Yes, Luke continued with his priestly mninistry when I was there, but we also had lots of time to chat, and I also helped him with his Homily (which I am told has received lots of Positive feedback), and following on from the previous post - had the joke of - there is a bit of priest in there somewhere. But it was lovely, and I thank him for his kindness and support.

Hamish - as with Luke, Hamish s a Taize person - but I have met him in London on a few occassions also. I love Hamish for having tha ability to be completely blunt in a tactful way! But many chats, potential persuassion to pursue youth ministry, and a lift back to the station yesterdat afternoon (plus the opportunity to play with his gorgeous daughter) meant that I had the chance for some lovely Zosh and Hamish chant!

Helen - now Helen is a relatively new addition in the life of me - but an amazing one. Helen is also an EA Taize pilgrim, who joined us for the first time this year - and we just really clicked which was great. She also came to Berlin, and she came to visit Luke and I when I was up - and even was brave enough to introduce her new boyfriend to Luke and I....we were nice to him (especially as I know his brother quite well). But she is just a lovely, beautifully hearted young lady, makes me smile, and I know that she has been, and will continue to pray for me...and even better I know that she also pops in to Luke as well.

I just had time to talk, laugh, rest and be me. It was good.
I thank the EA people for taking me on...legends!

"There is one thing I regret about this young lady", said my priest about me to Archbishop Peter Smith yesterday..."she should have been born a man. She would have made an excellent priest if she was a man". I was stunned into silence...Archbishop Peter Smith responded with "well, there is a place for young women in the church as well" (although he didnt elaborate as to what our 'place' is).

That one little snippet of conversation made me laugh out loud, on what was actually quite a sad day yesterday, but a day when a parish in Southwark diocese came together to celebrate the life of Monsignor John Elliott, our old parish priest who retired 6 years ago. He died on Christmas morning - a day which he had said that he always wanted to die on. Yesterday was his funeral at our parish church, presided over by Archbishop Peter Smith (who cut timings very fine - was supposed to be there at 11 for the Mass at 12, instead he arrived at 11:50), 6 other Bishops, and about 50 priests, as well as a packed church of parishioners. The service was simple, yet beautiful. Hymns, music and readings as prescribed in his will.

The morning was busy - I arrived into church at 9:20, to help clean the sacristry, sent on missions to the supermarket to buy milk etc for teas and coffees and then at 10:30 there were was a shout "Zosia, Urgent" The person who had agreed to read the intercessions was suffering from a stint of stage fright and so I was to do them instead...as well as making teas and coffees for all the priests when they had arrived, making sure they were all robed in time, sorting out some of the welcoming, and stewarding at Communion!

But the service was lovely...really lovely. There was laughter, there were tears. But most of all there was a lot of love expressed for a priest who had served out parish for 28 years, a priest who had baptised many of us, visited us at primary school every day, and encouraged us in faith. Yes, in his later years as our priest, when he was ill, sermons were short, preaching may not have been as considered, and the tough outer shell became a little tougher, but we all knew that he held us, his congregation in his heart.

After the service, the CWL ladies and their merry bunch of helpers had served a buffet that could have fed double the number of people who attended the funeral. Having spoken to many of the priests beforehand, I thought I would have been able to enjoy just general mingling, but no. In fact, afterwards, my reading was complimented. Apparently, nobody pauses in intercessions anymore. Apparently, nobody paused between the prayer and the 'Lord hear us', and then inbetween prayers. Well, their apparently is wrong - because I do. And it was noted, by priest and visitor alike. This morning, on checking my e-mails, the Dean of Bromley had e-mailed me as well, saying that I had done very well. Yay! I had a chat with Peter Smith, about a range of things, inlcuding Bishop Michael's funeral, and then the episode, quoted above happened. Now, I have great respect for Fr Bryan - he has been a brilliant parish priest, and a friend - but I did not know what to say!! Then I chatted with Bishop Pat who wanted to know how many young people he will be confirming...and then didnt believe me that he was confirming them on a Friday night...until he took out his diary to see that I was right.

The body was then taken out of the church. 6 young parishioners carried out the coffin, while those who remained lined the road as the coffin drove past. I stood next to a good friend Nick, who had carried the coffin and had been one of the servers during the service. He went very quiet, and slowly a tear rolled down his cheek. I undertoom one simple gesture for which he thanked me for. I put my arm around him.

So that was my Friday day time...it is not often that I am stunned into silence... Today I was

It has been a busy week - I am tired, energy wise and also a little bit spiritually - which is tough as I am now beginning to help others on their spiritual journeys!
On Monday was the first time that I began to teach Confirmation to 29 12-15 year olds. I have completed a catechist course, and have been asking many people about confirmation catechesis (I am very lucky to have a very close friend who is a priest and can give me information on tap) - but on Monday, the confirmation sessions began for real. There are 5 of us in total leading the young ones - and the session went really well. Really really well. I only had to use a strict teacher voice once! we are using a comnbination of materials, but the core backbone of it is 'I am Confirmed' by the Middlesbrough Diocesan Trust...this seems to be good backbone, but we are supplementing it with other material, setting homework and taking them on trips. So we introduced them to confirmation - made them think about what they are really doing, gave them the opportunity to ask questions. Their next session is a visit to our diocesan cathedral....we shall see how that goes.

Today, we had the service of welcome and introduction for the RCIA candidates. Now, this is lovely - but I find myself in a position that I feel a little unworthy of. I have been asked by a lovely couple to sponsor them. This couple are ex-Baptist ministers and the parents of an ex-boyfriend. Their faith and trust in God is beautiful to see, and I sometimes feel that I am unworthy of my role as sponsor...but hey. It was an honour to stand with them today, and I will continue to pray for them and help them as much as I can on their exciting journey in faith.

I am getting there slowly with the PhD...have about 6 months to get it done - prayers in general would be good

To follow on from last night quickly, my sisten in law to be (my brothers fiance), her dad died last night. Very sad.
Prayers for her, her family and my brother would be much appreciated

Happy New People

As with the previous 4 new years, this new year was spent with the Taize community! I spent new year in Berlin, with people that I knew and a variety of new people - as is the Taize way! Going back to Berlin was interesting...I was there 4 years ago, but on the way out to Berlin that time I was dumped by probably the only person I have ever really loved. So Berlin could have been miserable...but it wasnt.

Quite aptly, the theme for the European Meeting was "Towards a New Solidarity"...apt because the city was Berlin, apt because of still trying to find solidarity and forgiveness with people who have hurt me, and apt because I wanted to put some stuff to bed that had happened in 2011.

We arrived in Berlin after a long coach journey, and I was greeted by some familiar friendly faces, and some brothers of the community I know well, and one who felt left out when I was giving other people hugs, that he requested one himself!! After we had been welcomed, we were sent off to our host parishes, and some poor map reading later we arrived out our host parish, to our relief to find out that we had been blessed with a parish who had a host family for everyone! woop woop! We introduced ourselves to our hosts, and then we found out our host mother and where she lived, and were sent off.

Our host mum - legend! We arrived at out flat, at the buzzer introduced ourselves as "the three Taize pilgrims who have been placed with you", and over 100 steps with all our luggage later we arrived at her door. She had moved herself onto her living room floor, so that Licy, Charis and I could use her bedroom. Licy and I had use of her double bed, Charis had a mattress on the floor - we felt guilty..why should we have this persons room? we were very willing to use our own blow up beds, and have her lounge, but no her bedroom we had...she also gave us her spare keys, so we could come and go as we please...

we showered, changed and made our way to work...we had volunteered to work, and we had a role of distributing food. This was a fun job, but I could only do it for 2 of the 4 evening meals, as one day I had a meeting with my contact sister, and the other evening I was chatting with Frere Paolo and a lovely girl I had not seen for 2 years and had agreed to meet out there....but when I did the distribution it was very very fun.

Obviously, something that Taize is synomous with is the prayer - and the specific style of prayer - the chanting, the languages and the silence. I find this style of prayer beautiful - just beautiful. There were a few teary moments, there always are. licy and I remembered the peace that we had this time last year, and then the sad news that we received when we got home. So yes, there were sad times, 2011 had been a tough year for many reasons, and I wanted to put that all to bed. Morning prayer in the parish was immense - Licy and I were leading the music in our parish, pitching ourselves with the piano apps on our phones, but we did it, and it was lovely. I love singing, and this meant that I really had a role to play.

I am not going to write much about the meditations yet as I want to read over them and reflect upon them more - but Frere Alois spoke very touchingly and I know that a lot of people were deeply touched by what they heard through the meeting...and that is the point. To be touched, to think about things differently, to go back home thinking of the message of Christ in a way that can be used in out reality, in todays world.

New year began with the prayer vigil for peace. I cried my way through the singing of Let All Who Are Thirsty, then made me way outside to join the others for the countdownm fireworks, and the bubbly that out parish provided for us. Some dancing and singing later, and the festival of nations began - the UK represent in the parish starting it off with Auld Lang Syne, then doing the Penguin Dance, and finishing with a sketch from the Sound of Music...the English children wanting to wish everyone a goodnight!!

New years day out host made us lunch. As she had been ill during the meeting she had not been able to attend any of the prayers, so asked us to sing for her...and we did, and we made her cry, and as she was crying we all started to cry. It was a special time.

No sleep on the journey home meant for some tired goodbyes, but goodbyes filled with love all the same. Taize new years always allow me to be me...to laugh, to cry, to welcome and be welcomed, to pray for peace and solidarity, to debate, to be with like minded Christians, to sing, and to bring in the new year in a uniquely wonderful way. We made a joke on the bus about never really being in the 'cool' group ever - but in a way we are cool - yes we may spend a proportion of the year spending our holiday in a monastry - but the friends you make, the peace you feel in your heart at times and the ability and time to be you in front of God - is ulitimately cool - and the gift that this pilgrimage allows.

I heard some different sad news on the arrival back home this years. Prayers for my sister in law to be would be gratefully appreciated as her father went into a coma on new years eve and there has been no positive light as of yet.

So on the third weekend of advent I took myself onto a young adult retreat led by the Southwark Catholic Youth Service...Southwark being my 'actual' diocese..(East Anglia being my adopted diocese). It was a good weekend. We had some time just to collect on the first evening followed by night prayer on the beach - which incuded a lovely time of silence where I stood by the sea, listening to the waves, feeling the sea breeze and lit by the moonlight. It was simple - simply beautiful.

We were asked to pick up a stone - to represent our burdens...This stone was to be carried with us for the rest of the weekend, wherever we went we had to carry the stone with us. This led to the Saturday sessions...what burdens are we carrying, how do we decide what burdens to discard and when we discard them....

We discussed what Messiah means to us and whether we are ready to meet Him? Do we have to be ready? What does readiness mean?

We discussed that if we live our lives in the way that God asks us to in the gospels then there is actually nothing to worry about at all - and we would be ready anyway. But we are not, and we do not. But Mary - when she was greeted by the messenger of God, she decided not to question, why me? why? She just said, How am I meant to do this? With the acknowledgement of the gift of the Holy Spirit and trusting that God will get us through...that is how. With this acceptance of this special gift she allowed nothing to get in the way of her and God and she accepted and trusted...and this is how we should live our lives. Mary's simplicity and innocence amidts a judgemental society is not an alien concept to many of us...so we should fillow her example...

To put it simply the retreat provided a lot of opportunity for thought, good ideas, good prayer time, silent prayer time and a chance to meet with many people who have been on these retreats before and share faith with other people my age.

It was a much needed weeekend away.

This last weekend, the small church Christmas choir sang to a full church lit just be candlelight...it was a simple and beautiful service - the choir sounded really good, and the congregation also enjoyed it. We have put in a lot of time to learn some hard music and it was truly worth it.

Now we are preparing for Christmas, and I am preparing for the post Christmas Taize Pilgrimage of Trust in Berlin this year...my 5th Taize new year. Today I received a card from a very very good friend who this year had found things pretty tough at times. I wept a few tears when I read his message...my little nephew who I was baby sitting at the time looked at me and said, "Why are you sad ciocia?" I wasnt. I was happy. To know that a few simple words and just being there for somebody this year meant so much to them and made a tough time more bearable was incredibly humbling - yet I only acted as anyone would have, to look after someone, and to be there to listen to them. Surely, that is what friendship is?

Have a blessed Christmas season if I dont get a chance to blog beforehand. I pray for anyone who will be spending this season alone, who is ill, and for all of us who may have lost a loved one, friend or special person this year...may this time be one of healing.

A few lovely people have been in touch with me following my previous post asking me if I am OK, and very kindly offering time for chats, ears to listen and shoulders to cry on. This has been lovely - and I am very grateful.
Yes, I am ok. I was just fed up with the stigma that mental health problems have and felt that people need a voice, need a chance to realise these problems can exist at any stage in anyone, and people should not have to, and do not have to suffer alone.

In fact also since posting, I have spoken to two people who have opened up about recently being put on medication to help them through a low patch and they were concerned about different things, but thought I would understand. I do, and thanked them for being so open about it. They realised they didnt have to struggle alone.

Ironically, the day before writing this post I had enjoyed a rather fabulous evening. In the last 2 years on the first sunday of advent, I have done something with a compaby called The Really Big Chorus - and this is singing The Messiah at the Royal Albert Hall with nearing 4,000 other singers. Just amazing. It is unbelievable. You go sit in your seat (the RAH is split into the 4 parts of the choir) and at 7pm the orchestra plays, and when the choruses begin, the conductor conducts us all. This is a truly amazing experience. Not only is The Messiah a beautiful piece of choral music and some pieces are a sublime sing, but it is a coming together of people from different countries, walks of life all there for a common purpose. I really recommend it. 'Come and sings' are not as intimidating as they sound - I just belted it out, even though I have never properly learnt part 1 The Messiah - and it is still fun. The lady sitting next to me, and the ladies in front complimented me at the end. The soloists were amazing - the bass in particular deserves a special mention. He had me holding my breath for fear of breathing too loudly during his parts. exquisite.

Am truly knackered. Not only have I clearly had an emotional week, but I have been undertaking some fieldwork for the PhD as well, so very early starts. I look tired. I feel tired.
Time for bed

I have been umming all day about whether or not to write this, but it has been playing on my mind, so here it goes.

yesterday the world heard about the sad death and apparent suicide of Gary Speed - an awful event to occur. Reports then started about sports people developing depression when they finish their careers and how there should be support for them.

Very true. But their should be support for anyone who suffers with depression - be it mild or bipolar. As readers of this blog will know, depression and obsessional neurosis have been friends of mine for the last 10 years of my life (diagnosed) and definitely longer. At some points in my life it completely took over - on 3 occassions I was too scared to eat and drink for a number of days and so had to be hospitalised, at other times I resorted to harm in different ways (self-harm) and at other points I cut myself off from the rest of the world and refused to go out. At one point (and only one point) I sat in a room one evening, counted the number of various tablets and pills that I had and wondered "will this be enough". Depression is something that can plague anyone. It can be all encompassing. It can be scary. It, by its very nature is shit.

I still suffer with it. In february this year I made the conscious decision to come off my medication - and have been 'clean' so to speak since. It was hard. The withdrawal symptoms were a bitch, they really were, but I wanted to find what the real me was like, who I was, and how I could cope with what life is currently throwing at me. In actual fact, I prefer not having my life and mood dictated by a pill. Yes, this can mean that somedays I am moody as hell, and even hate being my own company (so I dread to think what other people are thinking), other days I can be so happy and smiley it is great...and other days I am just what could be perceived as 'normal'...but I like the fact that this is just me.

It has meant that I have had to use a variety of coping methods - my CBT course I did a few years ago has helped. Trying to think of ways I can be positive, changing my thought processes from the outset, adjusting my behaviour. This was a course led by Bromley Mind, and was so helpful. I have leant on friends a ridiculous amount. This summer in Taize I found out who some of my true friends were - people I could lean on, when we cried and laughed about the loss of Bishop Michael, and through that shared grief we opened up about other issues in our life - some people had drug problems, alcohol abuse, others were also kindred harmers. This opened up a lot, from both sides. In Taize I harmed, one place I would never thought I would harm, but it was something that happened at a moment of weakness. But there were people there who I told straight away, who let me cry and shout and vent my frustrations, and best of all held me, craddled me and let me be me. But my friends have been a huge source of hope, have helped me...and prayed for me. And lastly, but very importantly. my faith has beena huge support - not just because it has provided me with a support network, but because I had rediscovered that God actually loves me - yes me! In my silent week I found that I was angry and scared at God and thought he judged me terribly....but now, after two hard years at work at prayer and working on this relationship, this is changing.

Now, a lot of this happened as a result of a) being diagnosed and being able to say - yes actually I have an illness, I have a difficulty, sometimes it can make me a moody bitch, sometimes it can make me tired, sometimes I can be just fine...b) my friends for accepting me c) looking for help - I went to get help. I knew that fighting this by myself would be a losing battle, however much I wanted to hide and sometimes I did, I just understood that I had to get help.

I really really pray that people who do feel like this are able, or have the opportunity to find help, from their doctors, family, friends, mental health services. I petition to anyone suffering alone, you dont have to. You really dont. Yes, there are people out there - and people do understand. Yes, I have faced a stupid ignorant people, sometimes comments from my own family, university tutors - but its an ignorance. People dont know or understand, they do not understand the grip this can have on you. They call depression the 'common cold' of mental health - but really on bad days it can be all out flu. But, I have also had an enourmous amount of love and support, empathy, people to hold hands with, people to talk to, people to cry on, and people just to hold me when I was in a state of panic.

Depression can occur to anyone, at any time, over a range of things. My prayer is for an openning up of understanding about this topic and an understanding that people are not alone out there and that there is help out there, there really is. And finally, I still remember that one horrible night of pill counting, I remember it very clearly...but I also know that I have moved on from there, and you can move on from there. It is a bumpy path but a path that can be travelled.

I told you I ummed about writing this - I really did. But the media has to know that this happens - these are real people with a real illness, but a real hope as well.

To all those who have had similar issues, I pray for you, and pray that you also seek help and find a network of people who will support you. You deserve it. You are special, you are you - and that is what is most important

Today, I had one of those, you are hitting middle age days...I went to the hair-dressers (which I have not done for about 10 months), and she found a lot of grey hair. Now, I have never been one to care about my hair and how it looks (hence the not going to hair dressers a lot), I don't wear make-up - I have only coloured my hair a few times (the last time was about 3 years ago, and I had a slight reaction to the hair dye), but this discovery has really made me feel miserable. I looked on the web, and have found that yes, you can start going grey at over 28 - indeed, there have been stories of people going grey at 16, and being fully white by my age -and I am worried by a couple of strands. My gran (she lives near the hair dressers)said she could not see anything and told me to stop crying. In her words - you have hair, but you also have beautiful eyes and a beautiful smile, and there are things to be done!
I am holding off the hair dye for now, as I am a little worried about the reaction I had last time, so we shall see what it happens.

Yes - I know that I am not ill, have all my faculties and am lucky in other ways, and there is no reason for this to upset me really - as it is only natural and will happen to everyone at some age (and both my brothers have pretty much lost their hair), so I will just have to deal with it, and get over the what I perceive societies wish to have us all looking young and hip all our lives. My mum says its not noticeable, and a very good friend of mine just texted me to tell me to stop being silly I am beautiful. I need a good strong kick up the arse.

My nan was legendary at this point - she started going grey at 16...so it looks like it is all in the genes. james - will your friend still want someone going grey???!!!

in the last week one brother has provided my parents a new daughter in law to be, and today, the other brother had provided my parents with a grand-daughter. sadly, the only thing they can expect from me is rent.
where shall i get 'lost cause' tatooed on me?

dont get me wrong - am over the moon for both my brothers - I cannot wait to meet my niece, and am so chuffed to be getting a sister-in-law, but I have already had the 'only you left now' comments.

oh well. i will just continue trying to write a PhD that is seemingly going nowhere. all fun

so this week, I have had what you could describe as a PhD tantrum. It was all very fun. Being told at 33 months in that the focus of the research will have to change, to have to write some new research questions, and that potentially the hospitals still will not want to see us...my prof said "are you ok with this", i turned slightly, folded my arms, started to cry and said "not really, but I do just have to deal with with, don't I?". He, in his defence, took this quite well - sensed my obvious pissed-offness and calmed me down.

so this week, I have been reading lots of management literature, my upgrade document, and seeing how I can put a new management, or what I want to call it, (mis) management stance on the PhD without having to change the whole beast.

There have been tears, and I am sure there will still be more to come. Just finishing off a small plan of potential new PhD for him, and that will be that, until Monday, where we re-discuss options. The joys!

oh yeah - and I was shouted out very unjustly in front of the whole of my family by another member of my family the other day. I am beginning to stand up for myself in such situations, politely made my excuses from the table, went to the kitchen to speak to my grandmother, and asked her if she minded if I left. She didnt. I drove away to (luckily) a Taize service...crying all the way.

all in all, I have made use of a few friendly shoulders to cry on this week.

So, since my last post...what has happened? not much!!
I have been doing what analysis I can for my phd with my limited data, and two hospitals really dont want to help me...
I have made and written some thank you cards for a few people who have been massive rocks for me in the last few months...one person has literally just texted me to say that card was received, read and made them cry. that was not the intention - but i was crying when I wrote it too.
I attended a wedding of a friend
I had to sit through a family asking me, when I was going to get a boyfriend, a husband, have children..
I have been to two operas and a Prom
and I have fallen over...quite badly...swollen (and maybe slightly infected knee, displaying nice bruising!) - but it is ok, because my nephew kissed it better for me.

I have also been considering post PhD life...what I am going to do..whether academia is really for me...or whether I should do something completely different.

and today I have been thinking, this time last year I was in hyde park with 80,000 other people - an amazing experience. and maybe now, it is time for bed...

wow, my life is really not very interesting

So I have had a little time to reflect about Taize 2011, so I will tell you about it...not everything has yet been processed and some moments will stay with me for a long time - because there were some beautiful moments - some because we all laughed, some because we all cried, and some because people came together and helped each other at times when we needed it the most.

Regular readers of this blog and Taize trips know that I travel out with the Diocese of East Anglia, and will know that three days before we travelled out we had just been to the funeral of Bishop Michael - who was their Bishop. So...in many ways this trip could have been awful. It was very very strange going to Victoria Coach Station to meet the group and +Michael not being there - but it was absolutely lovely seeing some of the usual crowd there. Hamish, however was not there, meaning that Luke (that should really read Fr Luke) was group leader until Hamish joined us later in the week.

Onto the coach we went, and I did my usual coffee/tea/drinks duty for the whole coach and the coach drivers, and then we had the ferry crossing. It was on the boat where we had a good drink (Bishop Michael always used to say to us to drink on the boat so that we would sleep for the rest of the coach trip), and I had the first of what turned out to be many chats with Luke about the Bishop and how we both flet about it and how this trip would be...and it was very touching.

We arrived in Taize on the Sunday morning - and it did feel like home, straight away. We went to our usual camp spot and set up tents, and had the majority of them up before morning Eucharist - brilliant! This was tearful - I felt a little pathetic crying but Bishop Michael always used to get off the coach and get ready to do the Mass straight away - and this year it was somebody else. We also found out that if he had been alive Bishop Michael was going to surprise us out there - and this unfortunately didnt happen - so these were the moments that his loss really hit.

So, in the first week, I went to the Bible study for the 25-35 year olds - and for my third year in a row this was led by Frere Emile - a brother I really like, and the brother that had been at the Funeral. I didnt get to speak to him there, but he came over to me as soon as he saw me enter the room to talk to me about the funeral and what we both thought of it. The theme for the week was the Gospel according to Matthew and how this could be used to transform our reality. The studies were absolutely top draw. I just got some much out of them. I could listen to Frere Emile for a long time...My small group was also really good this year - Frere Emile made me a contact person, so that was fine, and every day I tried to take the small group somewhere different for our afternoon small groups, so we went to the Ameugny one day, in big tents another, sat on a huge hill on site...so it added a sense of adventure to it all. They were a lovely group and we had the chance to share a lot which is what is most important.

During the week Hamish finally arrived - it was good to see him, and so did the priest who cared for +Michael in his last few months...so this gave Luke some rest. On Wednesdays, East Anglia Diocese always celebrate Mass in the crypt. This year, it was just Fr Luke celebrating Mass. I dont know how he managed to do it, with the rest of us crying our eyes out. It was a special Mass - re-inforcing Bishop Michael's message about the joy of thr resurrection, and living in joy and that the Bishop would have wanted us to mature in our faith. He did it very, very well, and the Bishop would have been very proud - and I told him so after the service as I sat crying in the crypt. I was ordered to go and was my face as it was time for the group photo. After that I found a bench in the church garden with a beautiful view, and went and sat there, and cried. I cried a lot. After a while I turned around and Luke was there. He sat down, and there we both cried. We talked about our memories of the Bishop, how we knew that he was there with us, but how we wanted him to be physically there. It was a hard moment, but a special one.

In the evenings Fr Luke administered the sacrament of reconcilliation in church, and the rest of us either stayed in church, went to OYAK or sat by tents. After Hamish arrived, I sat up talking with hime for ages - just chatting about a lot of different things which was really cool...and when Luke came back we tended to do night prayer of the church, which was a lovely way to end the day. On the Friday of the first week lunch was served and eaten in complete silence in solidarity with those in Oslo - an extremely simple, yet powerful moment. In the afternoon - as 25-35 year olds have Fridays for increased personal reflection, a few of us decided to go to Bray, a village near Taize where Bishop Michael used to walk to. We arrived in brilliant sunshine, and waited for the church to empty and looked at the beautiful views, and when we got into the church we sang a few Taize chants...and cried.

The saturday of the first week was hard - it was just a long day, I wasnt quite feeling me, and at just before tea, I broke down - it was my time to cry on Luke, and it was needed. We went for a walk and a pray and then met with the rest of the group and went for tea. At supper Hamish made me laugh so much - a skill he has - and the candle-lit service was just beautiful. I always said to Luke I would not do confession with him - but after a long chat with him in church - it just felt right. So I did - both crying and laughing and that was really, really good, in fact there was a "I have to stop laughing as this is the serious bit" said, and yeah it was lovely. I felt at peace. I left Luke by saying - there was a gin and tonic waiting for him at the tent!

I was very sad when on the Sunday the EA group left - although some were staying. Paul, Piotr, Lizzi and I were staying for two weeks, and Lou joined us. So a tearful goodbye led to the start of my second week. Frere Paolo gave me the week off work, saying I looked tired and needed to enjoy the Taize sun, and that was such a blessing.

The second week, I went to the morning 25-35 Bible Study in the morning (delivered by Frere Paolo, but didnt do the small groups, as in the afternoon I went to the Bible Study for 2 weekers led by Frere Jean-Marie where we discussed the themes of Joy, Compassion and Forgiveness - and these were delivered in a more workshop style and this was fantastic - it provided a great opportunity to debate.

The people who I was spending my week with had in previous years intimidated me - but spending this week with them showed me how special we are, how we had a number of things in common and how much love and respect we had for each other. My theme was developing - comfort in sorrow. Some of them had not been able to make Bishop Michaels funeral, and as on the Friday of that week an EA regular was getting married and we had said we were going to do something to mark that day..we set about planning what we would do. On the Thursday we spent some time in CorMatin, and on Friday we left Taize at 11:30, and walked to Bray (again). We planned a Taize style prayer and sat in the church, chanted, read a reading, and said our intercessions - both for the happy union in marriage and for celebration of +Michaels life, and we cried....but then we sat outside under the tree and drank our wine, ate our bread and cheese, and pic nic we had packed...I walked back to Taize (getting a bit lost) to get back to the Bible study - but was late, only to find Jean-Marie had dispersed us all to spend 45 minutes in silence to pray about forgiveness. I apologised for my lateness and told him why I was late - and he did not mind one bit as he knew that we went away for a reason. So I went and sat in the old church and cried some more.

That evening in church, I saw my sister who had delivered my silent week Bible studies...we term it 'that horrific week'. It was amazing to see her, and I just had to talk to her. When she was free, I went over and sat down, and her face smiled. She asked me what I had been doing in the last 2 years, what had happened, how I was. I told her about all the changes that I had gone through and she was crying - I was crying - but these were happy tears! That horrific week was rubbish to experience, but truly helped me to rediscover that God is a truly loving God and that was all he wanted to do. I also had to thank her for listening to me, not judging me and staying with me at a time when I felt horribly judged and alone - that time she gave me was special and I had not had time to thank her for that - and this was my time. It was one of my most personal and special conversations I had out there - and was grateful for having the time to do it. We both were crying happy tears, and just as I was going she stood up and said "I am not letting you go until we have had a hug. This news is proof of the resurrection and I am so happy for you - so happy", and I cried some more!

The last Saturday was a tearful service - the candlelight one was beautiful. Just time to think. I also had my yearly church chat with Frere Paolo about a range of issues and he also stated that he had seen a positive change in me...

Most nights, as it was warm, the group of us lay outside our tents and watched the evening sky, looking for shooting stars, chatting, talking laughing, playing games, and appreciating each other's company and we carried on our tradition of night prayer of the church before going to bed. We also carried on the 2 o'clock cider o'clock tradition having started that the week before, and that was a great tradition to continue.

Leaving Taize is always tough (maybe the year of my silent week it was slightly easier), but yes, it is always tough. Sister Liz came onto the coach to give me a hug goodbye, and Lou and I waved off Lizzi, paul and Piotr who were making their way to Madrid, and we got on the coach, and as we made our way down the Hill, we cried some more....

So, although it seems like I did a lot of crying - I also had a great time in prayer. There were times I felt a huge feeling of peace, where it was OK just to be 'me', and it is these feeligns that I need to hold onto. It was sad that Bishop Michael was not there with us physically (although he was certainly with us in spirit), but his memory and legacy continues through us...and that is something that we have to keep going. But at the same time, there was a wonderful group spirit, a great group of people coming together to laugh, cry and pray, and that is what we have to remember. Friendships were made and certainly cemented this year, and these are special friendships - and ones that I truly appreciate.

A hell of a lot more happened out there...so much happened, but these are jusr a few of the highlights, and lowlights.

Special time, place and people. I will always thank EA for their love, care and zest for friendship, for one year be-friending a lonely Southwark pilgrim, and then continuing to welcome her back. I truly, truly thank you...you do not know just how much it means to me.

have been to Taize...prayed a lot, laughed a lot, sang a lot, cried a lot. will write more about my two weeks soon - just processing some of what happened when out there. it was a moving two weeks...lets just say I had a theme of comfort in sorrow throughout.
amazing place, amazing people