have been to Taize...prayed a lot, laughed a lot, sang a lot, cried a lot. will write more about my two weeks soon - just processing some of what happened when out there. it was a moving two weeks...lets just say I had a theme of comfort in sorrow throughout.
amazing place, amazing people

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-14214915

So yesterday the funeral happened...it was an emotionally charged, moving, touching and beautiful ceremony. Tears, laughter, applause, emotion, peace. Bishop Michael - I have met him in Taize every year I have gone...and after last year he sent me a card calling me an Honarary East Anglian...and that I was yesterday seeing my Taize EA friends, and celebrating the Bishop's life with them. They have become amazing friends, and as one said - they are like my second home, and I am made to feel so welcomed by them.

It was a lovely service with reports saying between 1700-2000 in the cathedral, music was stunning (traditional hymns, Taize chants, a childrens choir), Frere Emile came over from the Taize community to do a reading, and a 'strictly not allowed eulogy' that has us laughing and crying.

I said to somebody after...I am going to have to think wisely before befriending a Bishop again...but you could not help to like +Michael. He was so friendly, so understanding - he warmed to you, let you talk to him about anything, and he listened, encouraged and the prayer and hug he gave me last year until I stopped crying still gives me shivers.

So, on Saturday when EA and I get on the coach to the Hill, it will be sad that he will not be present with us in person (this is when it will really hit), but he certainly will be with us in spirit...and we will almost certainly do something to remember his life in the place he called his spiritual home.

I would like to thank the lovely Licy and her family for putting me up, and collecting me from the station and taking me out for a delicious meal, and my wonderful EA friends, for their hugs, kind words and prayers....here is to a wonderful week on the Hill

Cried all through church today, and at the end, my priest who knew why just said "He is at peace now, in the best place for him" Very true. The tears just came. This is on top of a hard few weeks really, and so it just got a bit too much.
I am going to Norwich for the funeral, staying with a Taize EA friend of mine for the night.
I have a Taize service tonight - it will be a toughie I think...

On the positive, I am house sitting at the moment which is good...looking after cats and hens

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-14118153

May he now rest in peace

Requiem aeternam donna eis Domine: et lux perpetua luceat eis

He was a wonderful man, adopted me into the East Anglian Diocesan Taize group for 3 years, and last year spent a lot of time with me in church and prayed for me, and let me experience prayer that I have not experienced before. For that Bishop Michael, I am forever grateful. May the light that you gave so many continue to shine. All of those young people you have helped and guided over many years - we will not forget you. May you now be pain free and smiling down on us, urging us to continue in faith...and although many of us are in tears right now - may we remember that you only wanted to see more smile.

Amen

so you have a bit of a tiff with someone one week, and the next week they have found somebody else to make their next victim...wonderful. why the hell do I bother?

in other news also received yesterday, Bishop Michael, I was told is gravely ill in hospital. pray for him, the diocese of East Anglia and all those who have been inspired by this amazing man. I have been. Taize this year without him will be incredibly sad.

Bad news comes in threes right? I am waiting for the last installment to slap me around the face and hit me when I am low to really tip me over the edge. that may come tomorrow at a family Christening, where it will become clear that I am the ugliest person in my whole family as I am the only grandchild not married or currently in a relationship. I cannot wait for the questionning that I am going to get about this. I may as well start drinking now!

in other news, 6 phd interviews done recently with permanent A&E staff who work alongside temp staff...so may soon have something to write about....*may*

not happy

That is it. in these last few weeks I have felt myself drifting into glumness. I have not been myself. I dont like it. i just don't like not being happy. I feel like crying all the time. i have lost my appetite and just generally very tired a lot of the time. All in all it is not good. Why? Could be the PhD, or it just could be the fact that I am not where I want to be with my life at the moment, and I see other people are living the life that I crave.

I have had some good chats with my priest - but at the moment I am kindof talked out. I know that sounds funny, and very unlike me, but I am just talked out. I wish I could just cry to remove this feeling of wanting to cry...but even that doesnt seem to be very forthcoming...until, after I have been praying and one or two tears slowly begin to trickle down.

so yeah, generally just not very happy - but this has meant that I am throwing myself into work and analysing my data in a big way. have found some good things, but am still nowhere near the level of data collection I need to be for this PhD, with time very much running out.

I pray this improves...after nearing 5 months of not taking any medication - i really fear it may be time to go back on them - even though i really dont want to.

So the last post I wrote was when I was in Maastricht. I am back from there now! And it was an amazingly tiring conference.
My first presentation was on a Thursday afternoon - I was also chairing the session. That presentation was the dodgier of the two, as my claims were being made on very few interviews...but I got through it...I had one question from a Professor that I already know. After the session was over, someone came to introduce themselves to me. They said their name...and the penny dropped. I have read their work many time, and used it quite extensively in my lit review. For them then to say to me that they really enjoyed my presentation, it being the best in the session, and they had never thought about temporary employment in such a practical method just blew me away! I could not really believe it!

On Friday I had a day off - my boss was doing his key note and a debate which I went to, and I asked many many questions in a symposium about HRM and temporary employment, and I rehearsed my paper for Saturday a lot...and then went out for a lovely meal with Ali that evening. We had a great chat and listen, and consumed the drink of the trip - Kriek.

On Saturday was my most daunting presentation - an invited symposium in the main auditorium, sandwiched between Denise Rousseau (of psychological contract fame) and John Arnold (every occ psych student has probably got a text book of his). These two psychologists are mega high profile, and here was I, not a publication to my name (not even a PhD to my name) being invited to speak in the same symposium as them. I was nervous. But present my paper I did...and it went well. My boss said that he was proud of me, and that it was a very confident paper, with other people loving the data I was presenting. So I left EAWOP with a smile on my face, having presented two good papers and getting good feedback.

I got back late and was knackered, but had family over so could not even go to bed...and was then actually engaged in a long conversation about trauma centres!

This week at work has been people asking me about my conference debut etc, and just generally trying to get back to normal - have been kanckered post Maastricht...and my office mate submitted her PhD so that was party time for us! also I found that my PhD is changing its remit also which is quite daunting, but hopefully will be for the better...who knows?

It has been a weird time...my head and heart are being drawn in about 20 directions and I am so confused and I need some prayer for clarity - this would be helpful.

First of all - bloody big congratulations to James and Ella on the news of their newest addition! Am so happy for you both...may your family continue to grow in strength and love, and I am very much looking forward to meeting the new addition! you are all in my prayers.

Secondly - am writing this in Maastrich and blogger has gone a little dutch on me! Am here for my first big international work and organisational psychology conference. I have one presentation tomorrow - that being the work my PhD is based on...ane one on Saturday. Saturdays presentation in a symposium that I was invited to attend and I am sandwiched in between 2 very regarded professors in my field...so no pressure at all then!

luckily i am here with my two office mates, so we have some time to have some fun and drink and laugh as well!
the reading material in my hotel room has already provided amusement - "the penguin book of short stories for lesbians"...If i get bored I am sure to have a look!
xx

At the moment, I am in a confused state of affairs - not knowing what is going with my PhD (prayers for this will be very much appreciated), and not knowing what is going on in relationships (prayers for this also appreciated). In both issues, some clarity will be welcomed with open arms.

In other news - birthday with work was greatly celebrated, and I had a lovely night of laughter. I have booked some tickets for the Proms, booked in to sing The Messiah from Scratch at the Royal Albert Hall in November, and got a free ticket and went to see The Creation at the RAH the other week - twas very good indeed.

Now, just need to get some presentations written for a conference, and sort out my life and that should be good. Matters of the head are always so much more confusing when the heart gets involved.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-13145354

I would just like to see more smiles too!

This Bishop is a legend. Pray for him

I never really want to have a birthday on Good Friday again!
It seemed wrong to celebrate your birthday on the day when you remember the suffering of Christ...
So I didnt! In fact, instead I threw myself into all the local services that were going. I attended the Petts Wood Churches Together stations of the cross, our own Good Friday service, and then I held a Taize prayer around the cross in the evening! In a way, as someone said to me, after Taize, that I had a huge smile on my face - who needs to have a drink and a lot of food when that happens...true, but a gin would have been lovely!
But fear not, as my birthday was on a bank holiday, and on a day of fasting and abstinence - my birthday will be extended, and celebrations are planned for the next few weeks! woop woop!
Happy Easter people - may this be a blessed season for you all
xx

These last few weeks have been very very busy. So, I upgraded which was a tough ordeal...15 minute presentation, what was supposed to be 20 minutes of questions, but was much much longer then that, and then I had to wait outside while the panel decided. They did, and I passed. My professor was happy, he said I did well, and had a way of charming the panel...he doesn't know how I do it, but he said it was a quality that I should keep as it was good to have the academics on my side. He also said the panel were very impressed with my document - he had told me what one of them had said before my upgrade the day before as a way to calm me down. So that was done on Ash Wednesday - a day of fasting an abstinance. So I could not celebrate at all!! I went to seminar then made me way to church.
So I celebrated quite royally the next day...work spoilt me horrendously, and I had a brilliant night, just made mast train home...and had a 10 o'clock meeting the next day..I made it, but the rest of the team who came out were somewhat broken...!

On one weekend I went to the CYMfed congress for youth ministry. I was asked to help out at one of the stands - you can probably guess which one...Taize! I was there with Frere Paolo for the day - it was lovely seeing him out of Taize, and spending time with him (weird texting a Taize brother!). He told me that these type of events were not really his thing, and so he was very thankful to see me there, and has since emailed me to say that he would not have managed the day without me. He also said something along those lines to the organisers who said similar things to me as feedback. I had a good day...speakers variable, ending awful, but it was lovely to see so many friends there, and also to go out drinking with the SCYS afterwards...drinking with Johnny is dangerous.

Then the next weekend was Petts Wood Festival Choruses annual choir performance. This year we sang Mozart's Requiem and other choral works. This year we had the return of Ben who sang for us at our first year we did this...but he was not singing tenor, but he was our fraudulant bass. It was lovely seeing him again, and we got on really well, and shared a good gin and tonic and some wisniowka. The concert was the best that we have ever sang, the soloists were amazing (and I am not being biased), they were amazing, and the choir, we did well too. I struggled to get the Mozart at first, but have ended up loving the music - loved it. Just so moving. And it was great seeing Ben again, and having a giggle, and setting some tongues gossiping among other choir members. The aim of the choir is to get churches together from the community for outreach for the community. This year we sang in aid of the Special Baby Care Unit at the Princess Royal University Hospital. After all the expenses, we raised £2000 - for a bit of singing this was great. I personally love the choir, and got A LOT of it this year - firstly a love for Mozart's Requiem, a beautifully touching piece of music.

This last weekend, on Friday I spent a lovely evening with a very good Taize friend of mine who was in London for the day...Saturday I had a girly evening starting with Gin and Elderflower liqueuer cocktails (thanks to Ben for this delicious treat recommendation) and on Sunday we had our monthly Taize service at St James.

So yes, you will see, wow it sounds like she has had a good few weeks...and in this way yes!

But, there is always a but....my PhD has hit a stumbling block in that people at the trust do not want to be interviewed. There is no engagement from any doctors or nurses,which makes the PhD hard to complete as I have very limited data. I have cried about this, prayed about it, gone into hysterics and hit rock bottom. So, the plea here is some prayer that I actually get some participants soon, so this PhD can actually work.

Also, stuff happened in the last weekend that has thrown me into a whirl wind of confusion, and so I hope that settles soon too. Prayers just to get through would be good, to come out on top will be even better.

for all the praying types - tomorrow I have something called an upgrade - I have to defend my work so far, present it to a panel, answer questions, and then wait to hear what the panel says. This could determine whether people think my PhD is worth it or not, and whether I can continue as I am, or need more focus. So if people can pray that I get through this then I would much appreciate it...i am quite scared!

Yesterday's daily reading struck a major chord with me. It was a reading that I used to quote to someone who used to be a very good friend of mine, but someone I am no longer in touch with. In actual fact, reading that, and then looking at what has happened since - I could not do anything but cry. and not just a little weep - but a full on snotty cry. "A faithful friend is a sure shelter, whoever finds one has found a rare treasure. A faithful friend is something beyond price, there is no measuring his worth". Just so stunningly beautiful. so beautiful. and so true.

The day before i met up with two Taize friends in London, we went to a Taize prayer, and for a dinner. That was lovely, so much laughter and care. Two faithful friends.

This helped, as the Sunday before I had a mini breakdown. My family (and I do love them) have a tendency to measure your worth by your relationship status. I am the only grandchild not to be married or in a relationship - somewhat the black sheep, and I was made to feel like that a week back. It hurt - it really hurt. Maybe it is my fault that I am not in a relationship, maybe it isnt...I don't know. But i felt so unsupported so useless, that I literally just broke down.

That is why the reading got me. When I feel like that, I turn to my friends, those real friends, those real treasures...and it saddened me deeply that one is lost.

After having met with a Taize friend for a gin and tonic last night, I realised I had said that I would write about Taize in Rotterdam, but I have not...until now!
so on the 27th of december, i make my way to victoria station to meet friends, and unknown people (who had contacted me) to get the eurolines bus to rotterdam. a wine drinking ferry crossing ensued, a moody dutch coach driver, and a two hour earlier then planned arrival meant that about 12-15 very tired people from the uk landed at rotterdam central metro at 4 in the morning.
when the metro opened we made our way to the English welcome point, to be welcomed in that cheery manner by brother Matthew "oh great Zosia - you're here". we had our usual tortuous Taize welcome (when you have sat through many - they are very tortuous)we were given our host churches. I volunteered to work (having worked out that for one meal this means not having to stand in the food queue for an age), and off to the host church I travelled. On arrival - we were the first group to get there, we found out we would all be hosted by a family - it was a Praise the Lord moment. My host family this year spoke dutch and spannish - i do not speak dutch and spannish, and neither did Licy, a friend I travelled with. luckily we meet Baiba - a lithuanian english and spannish speaking girl who wanted to live with us and who had the same job as us! Our host 'Oma' looked after her granddaughter Nella - a girl we grew to love, and who I deeply missed. Nella was 14, but had the mental age of a 5 year old - she called us her sisters...she was a beautiful hearted young girl.
We got to the host house, we welcomed with delicious choco milk and croissants, set up camp, and showered. the flat was in a dodgy suburb or rotterdam, was smalll but homely - we were very happy.
we made our way to Ahoy - the place where Taize was beign held to go to our job...I was working for Steve, a taize friend of 4 years now...we had said that we would look out for each other at meal distribution, but to work for him was a bonus. food served, and job done (my job was to stop people entering the food hall the wrong way, and to make sure people did not take food out of the eating halls), and to evening prayer we went...Taize prayer with so many people - beautiful! we made our way back to the host mothers, and fell into bed - knackered.
Mornings at european meetings you spend in your host parish - we had taize morning prayer - but the pianist played the chants so fast it was so funny. after that, i realised this is where my real job would be - helping out with the music in the parish. so when the animators were having their morning meeting, I helped the pianist learn the chants at the speed they were to be played, got a few singers learning the parts, and hey presto morning prayer music improved. Aftet morning prayer, we had small sharing groups. I have to say my group this year was amazing - shared so much, and had a laugh and a giggle at the same time. After our sharing groups, we then said goodbye to Nella, and made out way to Ahoy for lunch and mid-day prayer. on the second day, i found Fr jerry from the summer, and so we sat with him for the rest of the prayers for the meeting - as he is just an amazing priest and person and was one of the people of the meeting for me. One evening prayer, Fr Jerry helped carry a disabled person to the Taize cross so they could venerate it - my meagre help was carrying the wheel chair after them). it was an incredible moving thing to see, and has us both in tears. after mid-day prayers, the various work shops begin. I went to one work shop about a lady from Rotterdam who was taken, and eventually died at Auscwitz, and on the second day i took some time out with my friend jack to explore Rotterdam a little bit (a weird city, as the majority of it was completely destroyed in the Rotterdam blitz in the second world war). Obviously, we then had our evening work which was a great place to work as everyone had to walk past you, so I got to see so many taize friends, including a very good friend of mine Koen - who I sat with and sang with through evening prayer - it is always good to see him. Having been in a summer small group with him two years ago we have kept in touch and we can talk in such depth for such a long time!
New years eve was slightly different. after mid-day prayer we had our country meeting, so we went to the church designated for english speakers to meet with dearest frere Paolo...who then got us lost on the way back to Ahoy for the afternoon prayer...this prayer was deliciously lovely as it was the festival of light service. 30,000 people praying by candlelight - you cannot beat it. tearful!
after this prayer (Nella and Oma always came to Ahoy for evening prayer) we went back to our host family for a meal that they had prepared for us (I did have to inform Oma that being a vegetarian meant that I did not eat chicken)...and then back to our host parish for the prayer vigil for peace, a prayer walk to the partnered Catholic church, for the celebration of new year! The Dutch go crazy for fireworks - unbelievably so!! I had some gin with me, started the new year by congratulating one of the hosts on their preganancy...they were not pregnant (she took it very well, and has since become a very good friend) and then splling lemonade in the church. However, all was redeemed when the UK stepped up first in the festival of nations, singing Amazing Grace, then unleashing on an unexpecting audience Lady GaGa meets Rotterdam, followed by a resounding victory for "If you're Taize and you know it".
Well fed, and well entertained, 2011 had started very well. a fire working dodging walk home, nothing could have prepared us for the tear fest that was new years day. morning prayer was great...by this time, singing and playing in the parish had muched improved, and after the service the pilgrims showed our appreciation in a marathon clapping, whooping and feet stamping session - leaving the host parish in floods of tears - and then that sets everyone else off. the pastor then adapted the reading to send us pilgrims away with a message of hope from Rotterdam. Oma and nella were so hard to say good bye to. tears everywhere. Our host church had made a buffet out of an immense amount of food, and then one by one the pilgrims left. The Uk were the last to leave, after having a version of the chant 'Let all who are thirsty' recorded, resulting in yet more tears.
We had 8 hours before our coach left...find a pub was our plan. Rotterdam central was shut!! then we found a pub with a few people inside, but doors looked. Seeing us in our pilgrim hoodies they let us in (not knowing that the number was going to grow) and we purchased drinks. It basically turned out that we had crashed a Dutch singers private new years day function for his friends and family, but they welcomed us Taize pilgrims openly, and they seranaded us when we had to leave to catch our coach!
The coach journey on the way back had limited sleep once again, but a jollier coach driver who kept us entertained...we were at the front of the coach...and we arrived back to London victoria on the 2nd January at 7am!!! A train home, and I was back...to be welcomed by my nephew matthew, and the news i could not go to bed, as there were people in it....so I waited to go to church (it being the feast of the epiphany) still wearing my pilgrim hoodie, and when I got home, I napped on the sofa, to be woken by the nephew "coca, its no nap time any more...play trains"

So that was the Taize experience for another new year!! bring on Berlin!! Rotterdam was great, but it was sad to come home to the news about Bishop Michael, and I ask if people could continue to hold him in their prayers...

so, turns out that the person felt a little guilty about not turning up when they had originally said they would, that they turned up completely unannounced outside my office on Friday afternoon about 5 minutes after I had left it. So, I waited for them to catch me up, and they had my attention for the 20 minutes that I had until I got to my old office as I was meeting with my old boss. A goodbye said, and that was relief - i felt relief.
It was absolutely brilliant to see my old boss again - just so good! It had been far too long since we had last met, so long, and we just had a laugh and a giggle and a great catch up. We went to an amazing bar in Pimlico where I was treated to some lovely fruit beer and a lovely glass of rose, a lot of banter and a lot of good memories. Just a lot of fun.
then this weekend I have been writing a presentation that I have to give tomorrow at a launch of a new interdisciplinary research centre openning at uni, i had a girly night with champers and chocs with some fabulous ladies, stayed over at my frieds, and then today has been church, choir, taize service planning and the continuation of presentation writing!
I am quite tired, but just have a sense of relief. maybe this was in God's hand after all

I have a problem - I seem to be too nice. Last night someone at last felt my wrath. As I said a few posts ago someone is going on mission, but they wanted a catch up before they left. Thursday night they asked...sure I said, I will have a quick drink with work and meet with you then. Time and place arranged, I made a good luck card and to work I went. Just about to leave work drinks, I rang to check if said person was at pub already...No, they decided not to come into town after all...and even better, they had decided not to tell me. Dick. Complete dick.
Luckily, work rallied round, purchased me gin, and let me rant.
On the train home a very close friend rang to see if I was ok...I explained the situation, and when I got off the phone, the train carriage gave me sympathy to the tones of "he sounds like a cock, the quicker you get rid of him the better". he got a full blown rant from me when I got in. I a not one to get angry often - I was fuming.
I am a mug. A mug that is too nice. I hate being treated like that. I have heard a few things this week that makes me think, has respect really been lost??

I will write about Rotterdam soon I promise, but at first I am asking for your prayers:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-12105289
this man gave me an unbelievable prayer experience in the summer...I have just come back from one amazing journey to find out that he is starting a rather sadder one. Keep Bishop Michael in your prayers
xx

Rotterdam for new year avec the Taize community!! wohoo! will be leaving in a few hours to meet with my dearest Licy and Charis, and potentially many others who will also be on the coach!
at 23:00 on the 31st December the prayer vigil for peace will begin, and that is how we will bring in the new year...followed by our festival of nations and a party! I am praying like anything for a host family...a nice bed, but an air mattress is packed just in case a community hall is what I get!
So hopefully good times will be had...4th year in a row now - that shows how good it is (previous years: Geneva, Brussels and Poznan!)
So I will wish you all a happy new year now! 2011 will be my year apparently! Santa failed to bring me my husband for Christmas...I am thinking he may have been delayed in the snow....
wishing you all a fabulous continuation of the Christmas season!
much love to you all
Zx

I always feel that a week before Christmas is a good time to be told by someone that even though we are beyond friendship and have a deep deep bond that they have not had with someone else, they have found someone else who could be perfect marriage material (even though they live in France, and they have actually known them for a long time), and that the man is going on mission abroad as well. I always feel that is what you need to hear to get you into that festive mood. It is what you need to be crying at work, at choir, in front of your priest...It really makes you feel so Christmassy.

What I have however learnt is to listen to work people who said I was being played the first time they met the person, and that I have gorgeous friends who ring me up at times when I most need it, who offer to give said person customer service hell, and for choir members who make me laugh, and do not mind if I turn up pissed to choir rehearsals (and a priest who does not notice, or who does not comment).

So i cant bloody wait until new year comes, when I can start out again, and find someone who does not think I am a mug, and I can choose someone who is not a prick, who will treat me like I should be treated and so i can finally be happy. the best thing is, I am going to Rotterdam with the Taize community - so I can bring in the new year praying for peace, not just in the world, but in my heart. I can celebrate a new year with many people and celebrating many nations, and with some good friends of mine.

so yes, this does all sound a bit bar-humbug. But can you blame me? timing is just great. I am trying no tears, but at the moment the even tiny things are setting me off - even writing this hurts me.

but the carol service at church should cheer me up - even if there is one carol that gets me when I sing it...oh bloody hell.
x