I love my nephew dearly - he never fails to show us a new trick he has learnt...but I do not like the stomach bug that he passed on to me after baby sitting for him... not like is quite tame actually! Although today I am doing better then the previous two days - I can now eat a slice of bread and drink water...good stuff. Obviously am not going into work tomorrow, have let them know...luckily I have a lot of my work at home to be getting done.

on other notes - i forgot to mention that I have been on a mini holiday. Yep my mum and i decided to have a quick weeks getaway, and so we went to the Greek Island of Zante, in a last minute out of season deal, and it was lovely - i never thought I would have been swimming in the sea in october! The resort was so friendly, and welcoming, and the scenary beautiful! we found a lovely little cocktail bar, and we were self-catered, but we found a lovely little restaurant that allowed us to share meals (we are both small eaters, and the portions were huge). But i would recommend out of season holidays, still good weather (well it was a greek island), resort much quieter and much cheaper (£170 a person for the week, in a self catered appartment - cannot really go wrong).

The holiday was much needed - I just now need to get my strength up after this nasty nasty bug.

also, am doing some Taize promotion stuff....anyone wanting to go to Poznan this year? Have heard from Frere Paolo - he keeps passing my e-mail address to people who may be interested! but we are trying to get enough for the coach...so is anyone interested...

ps - also a pre-Poznan Taize service at St Mary the Virgin Church, Primrose Hill on the 22nd November. I am on the planning committee for this...you need to register if you want to go, so have a little look on the Taize website, more info about the day is on that!

Take care

I am writing this at work, as I have a lose end, my office mates have gone to a conference in Lisbon, and I have just finished writing an abstract discussion topic for my prof (for those interested it is on the implementation of the 48 hour working week for junior doctors, and the consequences for the quality of working life)

but, more importantly I am writing this I have something on my mind, and after the fact I have shed a few tears over this, it is still bugging me - and it shouldnt. A few days ago I had to look over some e-mails to find an address that somebody sent me - so I did a search among e-mails in my inbox - fine and dandy - I found what I was looking at eventually - but I also found stuff that has been hard to swallow. It read like this "in a few years time, I hope to be in the happy place that you will want to be in, and i will achieve this, and you wont. I will then laugh, and yes this does sound bitter"

To be honest this probably upset me even more back then, but it was just a shock to read such things...well, I am not in an altogether happy place at the moment, but I am working on that, and I may not be exactly where I want to be in some instances, but I have done/am doing other things that I never thought I would do. Most importantly, I have people who will not say such horrible things to me, and want to try and build rather then ruin me. I am just listening to the Taize podcast, and very apporpriately the chant being sung is "See I am here says the Lord, See I make all things new" This is what I need, a new state, to forget what people in the past have said to me, and concentrate on God to help me, and know that He does have some wonder for me coming up!

right, back to some work now...

ta ta for now

for everyone who knows me, they also know that my babcia is the lady i aspire to be - she inspires me, has a faith that is so strong, and a love for people that is amazing...she is a fabulous lady, grandmother, mother, and great-grandmother!
this week she turned 80! yep that is right - 80! a grand age! we gave her a surprise party on her actual evening...champers, flowers, chocolates, food...it was lovely! today we are having a whole family get together to give her celebration that she really and truly deserves.

i love my babcia - happy birthday!

So last weekend was great...I had the pleasure of seeing James and Ella, and their two beautiful girls. I have not seen James and Ella for nearly two years...that is far too long...so much had happened in those two years - let alone James and Ella having a second child! and that was my reason for going to Hull, as I had been asked to be Joannes God-mum - this was an honour.

It was just lovely - James and Ella were very hospitable - having both Melissa and I in the house! The little girls behaved so well, Leona is a smiling bundle of joy, and Joanne is just a gorgeous baby to cuddle! On saturday evening we had a meal at Ellas parents house - I will not mention the game...on his blog, James said not to mention the grain...but I feel it may have been more the grapes fault! How you managed to cycle back in that state was unbelievable!

Sunday was the day of the Baptism, another young Christian - it was a special service. It also gave me time to think about my relationship with God, and what I believe, and how I must turn to Him in times of distress and praise, and be honest in front of Him. My silence week in Taizé was not the pleasant experience I wanted it to be, but I am beginning to see some of its fruits.

After the service we went to the church hall, that we had decorated the day before, and we had some yummy food, and good mingling. The amazing cake cut (and tasted just a great as it looked), and James rushed me to the station so I could get my train, as I had to get back to London to meet my priest as I was going to see The Messiah at the Albert Hall, as part of the Proms.

It was fab to see James and Ella again...I have missed them both, but think and pray for them and their family. We spoke of uni years, and the fun we had, and the people we met. And I was able to master my Hullian "Noooo", much to James' dismay!

Thanks to you both for a lovely weekend....all we needed was Mark to be over and that would have topped a great re-union...another time...

the beginning of august sees our church trip to the Taizé community, Burgundy, France. This year was no different - apart from this year, I did a week in the field when my church was there, and when they had gone home, I did a week in silence.

The week on the field was amazing...I had a lovely small group, the bible study was very well delivered (I was learning about the Farewell discourses) and the music, well it never fails to move me. And like last year, we saw a brother make a lifelong commitment to the community - just beautiful. In this week, there were also a few changes to the usual Taizé business as the Archbishops of both York and Canterbury were present, and we had a question and answer session...I only wonder how long it will take the Archbishop of Westminster to get there? would be nice to have some English Catholic representation....

The second week I was there was much harder - yes this was my week in silence. And since I have been back, I have been to the doctor who informed me this was potentially the most stupid thing that someone with anxiety and depression could do...it seems to have set me back somewhat....but the week did give me some revelation about my relationship with God - I am too scared to accept his love for fear of disappointing him, and for fear of punishment when this disappointment will inevitably happen. quite a big revelation. this will go a long way to explain my loneliness and trust issues. One thing that I have been told to remember from this week, is the basics - God loves us, and we know this, as He created us in His image. God is a forgiving God, and reaches us in ways that we did not know were possible...even if we do not think He is there, He certainly is. But the week ended with me having panic attacks, but as a result I be-friended a lovely sister, and they arranged a way for me to be able to complete my silence on the saturday. I have to say a thank you to Sisters Liz and Alicia, Frere Paulo, Frere Emile, Frere Jon, Frere Jean-Patrique and Frere Matthew, the majority of whom I may have cried on during conversations with.

I also have to thank the people on the coach journey home who made this trip easier then i thought it would be, to marcus, daniel, jonah, sarah, dave and his daughters who had me entertained when I could have just cried all the way home...the way it all just ends at victoria station is a bit weird, and I hope that you all got home safely.

I love Taizé, this year I have left on a low, not because if anything Taizé has done, but because of my illness that had time to express itself when my usual busy life represses it...that has been a tough cookie to deal with, and that is what I am trying to do now.

ok - it has been ages since I last wrote - i apologise, I have been busy.

The Messiah went realy well - like really well...who needs failed pop-opera stars to sing for us....?!?!?!?! We raised ovber £2000 for Haris Hospice so that was awesome, and the music was just so enchanting and moving! Loved it - still find myself singing it at un-opportune moments.

Easter was great - we had a really good Easter choir going, and this was our first easter with a baby in the family as well - so that was special.

I have given my first PhD presentation - that was ok - got good feedback, apart from having poor eye contact, but I know that anyway, yes it is still something I have to work on!

I have also been commissioned to be an Extra-ordinary minster of Holy Communion at my church - it was a great commissioning service at Aylesford Priory, and felt honoured that I was nominated by people in my parish.

I am going to be going to Ascot, met up with my old work team, and have been generally studying quite hard as I have a lot to learn!

thats about it, there is bounds to be loads I have missed out, but have to get working

guys - not done this for a while, but I seem to have hit a real low. scared, anxious, tearful all the time. not sleeping greatly either. probably many things have triggered this, cannot put it down to one thing, or put a maximum on it either. please put a word in for me when you can

ps - mark will get Skype soon, I just need to get a new computer first.

It has been a long time since I last blogged - I have been doing a lot of thinking - a lot.

"Just as the day declines to evening, so often after some little pleasure my heart declines into depression. Everything seems dull, every action feels like a burden. If anyone speaks I scarcely listen. If anyone knocks, I scarcely hear. My heart is as hard as flint." (Saint Aelred of Rievaulx)

I read this, and it hit me. This perfectly describes how I often feel. It is something so very hard to put into words, when you so earnestly want something, or try for things, but it is your own body/mind that is keeping you back. It is not something you can just snap out of - my word I would love it if it was...but no. It is hard work - and so mentally and physically exhausting. In the mornings when I have to really make an effort to get going, and actually put my life into action - it is hard work. When I go through a very bad patch, I not only sink inwards but I physically get ill as well - my immune system goes. I have been ill for over three months - thankfully I am getting better now...I have suffered some amazing headaches though. Anxiety and depression is hard. I am trying though. I really am. But this, really did touch me as a good description of what it is like.

So, I have now done 7 weeks of my studies...it is tough going if I am being honest. it is solitary work, buy I am learning new things, and thinking about things in new ways, and that has to be good. It involves a lot of self motivation which sometimes it harder then other days, but I get there.

I have been spending time with my gorgeous nephew as well - I mean he is just lovely - I love him to pieces, and I long for the day when I can have a child of my own. The joy that he brings to the family when we see him is just amazing.

The church choir for Handel's Messiah is coming along - we are all working hard - this happens in 3 weeks time. No young, attractive famous tenors this year to my disappointment! no matter how much I begged my priest to get one in - nope - not this year! Money is going to our local childrens hospice, so I really do hope we get local support.

I have been heavily reliant on some friends recently, and I greatly thank them for their it seems never-ending support, and I do not thank you enough. I have had to move back home, which has been hard for me , and the support I get is great. I miss Erica in Oz loads, must stop making friends with people who live over a 24 hour flight away...its not fair!

and that is just about it - well there is probably tonnes I have forgotton, but that is enough for you all now.

just where has January gone?
well...it has involved the starting of the PhD...I have done lots of reading, anf quite (very sadly) enjoying being in a library again...it is hard reading....and I dont have an exact topic of focus yet, but that supposedly is ok according to my superviser who says to give it about 6 months! he had so much faith in me during our meeting it was quite scary...well this is why we hired you Zofia came up a lot! so yeah, that has been that,

Yesterday I went with Chris to see Chicago at the theatre- the tickets were one of my leaving presents from work - just bloody brilliant, and all that jazz! loved it! work got a thank you email this morning.

I have to stop making friends with people from the other side of the world. my housemate left the other day to go back to Oz to sort out her visa and get over glandular fever, and i miss her already. am actually moving out of the house for many reasons (econmic being one), so only a few more weeks living here - and a lot to pack up...am moving back home for a bit - just while i get settled with uni etc.

we have started out rehearsal for the Messiah - great piece of music, am loving learning it, although hard in a few places...

and that is about it

********news flash update*********

my little nephew is called Matthew

***************NEWS FLASH***************************

I am an auntie!
Congratulations to Peter and Davina and my little nephew (name still unknown). A hefty little 'un at 9 lbs and 3 oz.

Cannot wait to see him, but that is my news...

...and it is getting warmer apparently!

Happy New Year everyone!

I hope that yours has started a lot more healthily then mine....

yes I was ill in December too - but Brussels did not do much for my health, and now I am on many an anti-biotic to make me better! so much so, I had to miss the first meeting with my PhD superviser - as both are agreed that it is much better for to be healthy!

Well...why was I in Brussels - well for the Taizé european meeting of course! Geneva welcomed the year in last year, Brussels this year. once again around 40,000 young people coming together to pray is just brilliant - and a prayer vigil for peace being the best way to start in the new year. I would have enjoyed it a lot more if I was not feeling so shocking - but such is the problem with illness - you just never know when it is going to strike! but just in general, I had good God time, and so that was great for me. Oh and I was also interviewed for Brussels telly and that was shown in New Years Day...good times!

Now, I am not really going to make any solid resolutions. Last year was a bit of a toughie, with Karl and Ben issues, losing a job etc...but it also had good points including moving house and making a fab friend in my new housemate, good church stuff, two fabulous weeks in Taizé, and at the end of the year finding out that I was going to start a PhD in a field I am excited in. but the general things such as keeping fit and being healthy is in there, finding good prayer time, and just generally wanting to get on with my new studies and understand what I will be doing over the next three years!

Leaving work was hard - I cried quite a bit - I have made such special friends there and we all had good fun which was lovely, and I am sure that I will keep in touch - in fact they rang me already today!

so that is it...I am in bed trying to get better...happy new year!

I have been struck down by the dreaded cold...on Monday I was in work for 40 minutes before I was sent home, yesterday I went in for the afternoon, and I am going in for mid-morning today. It is not very nice especially as this is my last few days at work now. have got some enrolment details for my PhD now, so it is real, it is happening.

yesterday was a special night. i went to the Royal Mews children Christmas Party - it was really cool. we got to see loads of the carriages and horses, and Lizzie was there, but I completely missed her - apparently she came in for a few minutes very hidden..grr!

Tonight I am going to see Imagine This again with a group of people - before it closes down. It is a brilliant show - I just hope that I can stop coughing enough for it!

Work Christmas do tomorrow, and maybe a little leaving do before I go.

will be sad to leave work, but will be in touch with them lots.

right, time to get ready for work

it has been a while since I have blogged and a lot has continued. I have officially given in my notice - horay! 12 more days of employment as I know it...

I have been trying to get more info about my PhD and the uni I am going to be studying in - it is quite daunting to be starting out again...but it is something that I have been wanting to do for a while.

I have been to see "Imagine This" at the theatre - it was brilliant! now, please do not believe everything you read in the press about this show - it was fabulous! It was a play about hope and had me in tears - just fabulous - a musical about the Warsaw Ghetto is not meant to work - bt this one really does - go see it if you can.

Have also been to see Sleeping Beauty at the Coliseum - I have not been to the ballet for so long, and this was something just super special to see - also an amazing night.

Have been doing a lot of choir stuff as we are doing a Christmas service, and then singing in mid-night mass, and this has been challenging but good. I am singing out of my usual range so my throat has been sore, but it is always good to learn new music - bring on the new year and the Messiah! what a challenge and a half.

and have been to an American Thanksgiving, and now the Christmas celebration season is in swing, and a few leaving drinks to go to...and maybe something quite special for Erica and I if Chris can sort it for us...we shall see.

anyways, that is enough from me for now

Hi all

I am a bit drunk when typing this - so sorry!

Why you may ask...well yesterday was just a whirlwind

as you may have gathered from my blog, there has been another job opportunity in the pipeline that would stop me from taking a bloody good salary that the internal job would give me! well yesterday this excitement was concluded...I was offered the PhD that I went for...what is that..a PhD...

Yes, for some strange reason - I decided that it would be a good idea to apply for one, and apply I did - an interview I got, and an interview I passed, and the position was offered! It is a fully funded PhD, for three years, in London, so I am quite excited..

I am in a somewhat envious position in that I have two jobs offered - went for two and got both...did not think that would happen at all...but it has. decisions will have to be made this weekend, but I think I know which one I am going to go for....

oh well!

Zx

Gott lass meine Gedanken sich sammein zu dir. Bei dir ist das Licht, du vergisst mich nicht. Bei dir ist die Hilfe, bei dir ist die Geduld. Ich verstehe deine Wege nict, aber du weisst den Weg fur mich

(Taizé chant)

Just beautiful, and kind of sums things up at the moment.

share it

everything else wise, they advertised my job at work today - a kick in the teeth...but hey win some, lose some, life goes on

It has been a stressful few weeks, which is why I have been silent. As people know, my work contract was not extended so I have been having to find a new job, and with the crisis that is going on at the moment, I was frightened about not getting a job.

That worry kindof ended this week, when I found out I had been offered the internal job that I went for. having never really been through a proper assessment centre before it was so very stressful, and I was literally stressful, but I must have done something right. The position is two levels above the one that I am currently at, and a different focus - but it looks good. It is in Steves department, but not his team, but that is a weight off my mind. I have not accepted the job yet, as I am waiting to hear about something else I have applied for, and if I get the other placement, then some decisions will have to be made....so that has reduced the worry somewhat.

otherwise, I have been a bit up and down moodwise, but I have had some lovely people here to help me through it all, and I am doing God stuff to help me too. I have thrown myself into church stuff, helping with the youth group (youth ministry training has now been completed), and tomorrow Brother Paulo from Taizé is in London, and so I am helping with that.

I have been to the Mews again which was fun, and have had various people round to tea, and Erica is back from her holiday which is just great - it is good to have her back. have fed the ducks in St James' Park a lot with work colleagues in our lunch break, and just generally trying to keep myself going...

we shall see

It has taken a while, but St James is now a Fairtrade church!

http://www.stjamespettswood.org/

it is good news....

Had a Taizé reunion meal last night - was very much fun...talking about our planned trip to Taizé next year - will do two weeks again - am ready for the week in silence, and think it would be good to do...but am looking forward for Bro Paulo coming to London, but also Taizé in Brussels this year. I get a lot of peace from Taizé music at the moment - it is so relaxing, and really helps me focus. Fr B has not put my new stuff onto the web-pages yet, about the trip this year, but that should happen soon.

stuff wise, have been very stresses, and excema on the eye-lid is not very pleasant...

have had a very busy week - was introduced to baby samuel - so so so so so so very very cute...and a good choice in name as well!

also, have been to Buck Palace, and stroked the queens horses...indeed...

other than that, have had a lazy day today as it was much needed, and also at last had a hair cut, with the hairdresser being very careful, as excema on the scalp is causing a lot of pain in the washing and the brushing of hair....

hope all is well else where...am tired, so I am signing out for the eve

xx

its been a bit of a weird month:
Housewise - Ewa moved out as her girlfriend came over from Poland and they are now living together - miss Ewa...but we gained a Daria, another Polish girl who is just as great. Sammy was kindof evicted....the boiler is broken - waiting for the gas man tomorrow, as we just want a little warmth in the house now. Since Sammy has left it has been a better house....

Jobwise - am still working, applied for a new job last week, and am doing another random application this week...the random one is potentially very exciting, but am still looking for other things...we moved head offices so I now work near Victoria, which is good, as I can do things like go to Mass, or just go and pray in Westminster Cathedral in my lunch hour, or before and after worl.

Church wise - am still going! we have been doing a youth ministry course, last session this tuesday. we are going to start a senior youth group aside from the junior one. have been challenged by a few things, but some good prayer has come of late...

me wise - still up and down...have been hit by stress headaches, and eczema...not so good. i have done a 13 k walk/run for charity (see facebook as to how to sponsor...you still can!), have purchased my first ever pair if skinny jeans....

...but it is the 10th anniversary of my gran dying...the first member of my family that I remember going to a funeral of, and the granny that I actually saw pass away. that has been on my mind, but i know she is resting in peace now...just cannot believe it has been 10 years - it is insane...

will continue getting applications written this week...and am working from home tomorrow morning so I can let the gas man in!

take care one and all

x

Today at church in the second reading, we had the phrase that often...and still does cause me a great deal of confusion, "Love your neighbour as you love yourself". Hard...why? well as many of you know, if you are regulat blog readers...I do not love myself. In fact there are many things that I despise about myself. Now, does that mean that I cannot love others? In my opinion no. I can love others - I deeply love my family (well most of the time!), and I love some of my friends dearly.

Fr B in his sermon today, said there were people out there who do not love themselves, and see nothing good about themselves, and so not have an over-riding ego, when they are the people who need one - he then went on to say, how this was sad, and that things should be done to help these people. Now, I am not saying that I need a huge ego, and that I don't have anyone to help me. But it is sad. When I see people really happy with where they are, with their life, and their body - I wish and pray that at some point I can be like that.

But this does not mean that I cannot love. In fact, this came up in Taizé, and I was so upset about it, I talked for a long time to one of the Brothers about it after an evening prayer - a very emotional talk it was as well. I will not say what I said, or what was said to me - some things have to be kept personal, but it helped. Not completely - I was told by anither friend that the hardest part for me in this was to learn to love myself...

I am missing Taizé a lot at the moment. I am missing the honesty with myself that I had when I was out there, as I had the time to think about what was going on, and work out how I actually felt about different situations. Being depressed isnt just about feeling down - its feeling helpless. useless, worthless, angry with yourself, not understanding what is going on, powerless. Different situations lead to different feelings. In normal life, I dont have time to think about things so deeply, and meditatively, and have so much prayer time - yes I should make more time, but here I dont have the time for meditation three times a day, a church 5 minutes away from my accomodation that I can walk into at whatever time of the day, and people i can talk to when i need to. so yeah, I miss it.

all in all, this piece of scripture does baffle me a little, but i am trying to get to grips with some of the interpretations that I have been given of it.

enough from my tonight