its going to be a hectic week, with exams wednesday thursday and friday, i am kind of dreading this week happening. seeing more tutors on tuesday to go over a wee bit of work that i am having some trouble with which will be very helpful. just prayers please, that my risky revision strategies will have paid off, thats the most important, as somebody said to me today - its all in Gods hands (well done katy!)

have had two days of awful revision which have not made me happy - i keep on getting awful headaches and trying to battle through them - today i gave up and went to sleep for an hour, and did feel better for doing so. all i can do is try my best at the end of the day - i am not going to put high expectations on myself, i cant - i dont want to be disappointed come results. am just really worried - prayers please!

also, have been trying to figure out another awkward situation i am in, and the more i think about it, the more confused i get, and i am going round in circles, but at the end of the day i dont want to hurt the people involved, and i dont want to hurt myself either, so its not too good.

um, thats all for now, bed time now, church tomorrow, and then hopefully that prayer will have me all fired up for the rest of the day

was scared by my stats lecturer today - very scared, so am knuckling down - have just done two hours of reading as to how to do good research,and made some revision notes - this is officially the worst exam i think...

anyways, what doesnt kill you makes you stronger - have been learning that in many ways over the past few days.

a line from a hymn:

Will you love the 'you' you hide if i but call your name?
Will you qwell the fear inside and never be the same

loved it when we sang it ages ago, and have my prayer book with me on campus today, and so thought it was relevant to how i have been feeling recently

the last few days we have been having revision lectures, and sometimes i wish that people would gag me when i am in these, as i feel the need to say things, even though it makes me look like a prawn, or that i know the topic really well...the thing is i read my notes just before going into these lectures and so i make myself sound intelligent, when really i am not.

have been upset my a few things recently. my emotions are silly - can laugh a lot, then i cry a lot, its all up and down. am fed up, bored of revision, bored of things on my mind just going round and round, and just having a bit of a down time at the moment. most people are being very kind and understanding even though i am being a moody fuckwit at the moment, and for them i am truly thankful. my worst exams revision lecture at the moment, and so i am going to be very quiet in that lecture, and soak in all the knowledge that i can get.

am defering the handing in of my proposal for sure now. Iain - the dude - he is a dude has okayed it with me and the department - and for that i am truly thankful. so that allows me just to focus on the old exams. i am going to see steve some day this week too - that should be helpful.

other than that, just a bit down...just trying to battle on, have got stuff on my mind - the same stuff as before that i have to think about and really decide what i want, and what will be good to me, some people have given me advice on this, mixed advice, mixed support and annoyance, and i know i am going to have to make my mind up, its not the easiest things for me.

anyways, enough criptic shite, back to ethics in selection

ok - its stupid how fast time is just going? i cant believe it - the phrase says time flies when your having fun - but i am not having that much fun, so time just shouldnt be flying like this! i mean, now its only ten days till first exam...my mum told me tonight to not work so hard that the work is stale - i assured her that would not happen, as some things i am literally reading for the first time - which is not clever but the way things go!
so in this last week - nottingham has finally seen some sun and a sense of spring - although its rained this week, its been the summer rain, and even smells of summer rain which is ok! i have been doing 9-6 days in the library - i find the Hallward a nice library to work in, and there are some fit men in there too!
um, i was also offered the chance to defer some of my exams - not a choice that is as easy as it sounds...i decided not to defer any of the exams, but i have asked if i can defer the handing in of my project proposal so that I can just focus on my exams for now...i shall hear back soon, the only problem with that is the ethics decision, but we shall wait and see. but, during that meeting with the disabiloty officer, i also had the chance to show him the revision notes that i had done, and he said that they were ok, and now its just a chance to learn it! am now on beta blockers again too - have changed to a nicer doctor who actually listened to what i was saying which was a blessing.
had cell group outside this week which was really nice...really nice actually. i look forward to that part of wednesday, it really relaxes me...great company, biscuits, good conversation and prayer, cant get much better than that! and then the next few days after leaving the library, i have gone to sit on the bank above the lake for half an hour on the evening sun, having a pray and a think, and just some time out which has been lovely - couldnt do it today because of the rain!
have a few things on my mind, and some situations that i am trying very hard to resolve, but am not getting much help from anybody about them, which is very hard...even God doesnt seem to be doing much (well He maybe is telling me to be patient, and wait and see - but i am ignoring that), and so that is hard. my gran cried down the phone again today, i really dont know what to say when that happens, and it saddens me a lot. i have asked my parents that when my exams and essay are done, that they bring babcia up for the weekend to see me, as she never got to visit me at my last uni, so she can now.
speaking of exeter, am missing that now too. am thinking of all of you in your last year - i know that it really sux to leave the place, especially the chaplaincy, you are all in my thoughts. ben your tops, but get your house phone fixed my darling, and ed and han, i hope that things are both looking good for you too - thinking and praying for you all
take care, back to the old revision for me now!
what joy!
oh - i did win a series of ER on ebay yesterday - am very happy about that - what a treat for after exams
xxx

what a stupidly hard day of work i have done today...was in the library at nine, had some time out for lunch with ellie, and then worked till five - checked my emails and did some research on campus, came home foe simpsons, revised, and after tea instead of watching telly, i got down to writing my research proposal for my applied research project this summer - if you ask me its sounds interesting, but then i have turned boring at the moment, and am a bit of a work whore...want to get these exams done and dusted now, i can see this really dragging on in a very boring fashion. but only 22 days to go, and have promised myself a treat for when exams are over - a series of er on dvd - the ultimate treat! and hopefully it will be deserved...what my treat will be on the 31st of august is as of yet undecided, but september the 1st will be a hangover to look out for!

anyways, time to make me bed up and go to bed...last lecture (excluding revision lectures) tomorrow!

today, i have been revising at home - i mean in my room - its been ok, i got sick of my room in the afternoon so went to jons to revise in there. also popped to i-who to give my deposit for my level a and b assessments, and to campus to get a paper.

today, lesotho has been in the news again! a wohoo! Harry has set up a charity to help all the orphans there - fab! this is really what the country needs. I wish people would look past the royal aspect of it, and see what he is actually doing for the country. when i was there last year, and spent my time with those children, and really feeling for them, i wished that i could just do more. when i get down i still think of baby josefa and his little smile and his infectious giggle that was so good to hear. even if it was just a little one it would make me smile, and when he proudly went over to the staff st SU and said - this is Nthabiseng when i was carrying him, was a moment i will never forget - the same as when he told me when i was saying goodbye to him for the last time and trying no to cry - when he said "nthabiseng no go home", you just get touched by things, and it makes you realise that something has to be done so that these children can have a life and have someone love them - surely everyone deserves that? what is really scary is if AIDS contibues at the rate its going, then in ten years time then there wont be a Lesotho - that is a shocking fact. Its a beautiful country, with so much to offer, the people actually have time for you and welcome you, and we have so much to learn from that nation...

was sad this evening when i rang my nan and she cried down the phone to me telling me that she was sad and lonely - i just wish i could have been there and hugged her. we are doing this thing that when we see the stars at night then we say one of them is grandad looking down at us...it just reminds me to the end of the little Prince where the stars remind the pilot of the princes laugh - that bit brings a tear to my eye everytime

anyways, long enough post today...better go and cook some tea soon, good telly is on tonight

today has been a kindof ok day actually, and i feel kindof happy as i write this tonight - ahh, sigh of relief.
this morning got off to a good start, i actually got out of bed when my alarm went off, and didnt put it on sleep for an hour! my meeting with my project supervisor ninna was so productive - i know have clear objectives and my research questions, and more of an idea as to the samples that i will need, and how to collect and analyse my data - and that is now blue tacked to my wall, nicely felt tipped with scented pens!
then i did some revision in the library for five and a half hours, and the topics were quite interesting - i had a few breaks before i am told off - i like the Hallward as you can eat your lunch in the cafe they have there - ingenious! exeter never had a library with a cafe!
then i met Katy, Tom, Angela, Helena, and we had two new people Angela and Sam for prayer group today. this was so cool - we sat and chatted and at chocie biscuits, we had a prayer, read todays reading, and then just had our time, and i felt so relaxed after that, and they are just such nice people, it was the first meeting aftre easter so hugs all round, and just a great time.
then when i got home, my indian flat mate presented me with a traditional Indian scarf handmade from her home town - and it is lush, its maroon(various shades), with the traditional village pattern in silver - its beautiful.
the apprentice was good today, but i couldnt be bothered to wath the apprentice your fired bit, as tom i have to go to IWHo to hand in my retard form, and then to the library to revise something before our lecture...
so good day...good people, good me time, good God time, good telly time....
xxxx
oh - and tessa, i hear from Katy that you do a good micro-wave impression, in the kitchen implement game! no secrets in these small christian circles we live in!

Last term of lectures started today, thats scary..but i think i said something similar two years ago! but hopefully i can get some proper routine going now, where i hope to be on a campus by nine to do revision...i am doing some somewhat risky revision tactics, but there is no way i can do everything. the department are being very helpful which is ace. i usually complain about my tutor but she is being lovely. havnt done everything i wanted to do today...i would have done i think, but i went to counsellling which was very helpful today, and so i am pleased that i went. um, not much else has happened - oh i think that this is the first day in a while that i havnt shed a few tears which is a bonus. my brother spoke to me today which cheered me up a lot, as i like talking to him, and he makes me laugh and is truthful with me, which is what i really admire in him.

anyways, bed time, have a presentation and a busy day of work ahead tom!

at the moment i am one complete emotional mess. I just find myself crying..like walking to church today, i had a few tears running down my cheek, but when I got to the service then it was full on crying, and i couldnt even sing the last hymn as i was crying, and it was horrid. i am just so emotional and so confused about so many things that are going on in my life at the moment. i feel so lost, i feel so confused, and my head is just full of crap that i really have to get sorted. I am worried about many people at the moment, it just seems like the last few weeks have been the weeks of doom, and it has really thrown me back so much, and i just feel so exposed at the moment. i am not a good person to be around at all, either crying, trying not to cry, or putting on my false happy face to try and seem happy.

little things are setting me off - like when i opened my card from my nan, it was just signed from nan, instead of nan and grandad, and things like that really just makes it hit home, that grandad has actually died and isnt with us anymore. and i feel when i talk to my nan that i really have to restrain myself from asking how grandad is, as it is almost like second nature to say that, or this morning when i woke up and looked at my photos on my wall, there is a photo with me and my grandad on my 18th birthday, and even though he was ill then, he was still physically able to do things, and just the life that the illness took from him is horrid.

i just feel shitty, and i feel like i am letting people down, and like i am trying to explain how i feel about issues, but i cant even understand them myself, let alone explain them in a way that makes any sense to other people. I am so tired as I am not sleeping well, as these thought buzz around my head, and i am also trying to revise and get in my project proposal, and live a life, and it all just seems so hard. and well, all i can say is i am sorry for being shit, and i can only hope that people can see that its been a horrid few weeks/months and its really taking its toll on me and i cant just seem to get a grip on it at all.

statistics on my birthday????!!!!! yes - as sad as it sounds, that is what i have been revising today! i have three more pages to go, but, then i will start drinking downstairs in flat 2 with the other lads, and hopefully continuing to throw juggling balls at Jonathans head!
will be going out later - nottingham watch out!

thanks to everyone who has sent messages/cards - u are all stars, and i love you all hugely
xxx

i said i would blog when something exciting happened and it did - well exciting and made me cry...i have just had an email from Lineo - my "mother" when i was in africa, and it is so cool. She said that rari and khottie talk about me all the time and that they have a bed made up for me waiting for my return to africa, and, oh it just made me cry as Lineo got me through the hard times, and there is so much i have to thank her for...she is a wonderful women, and it was such a nice surprise...this is a photo of Lineo and me on my birthday last year in Lesotho:



the only thing is it comes up the wrong way round and blogger wont let me chage it as it is doing something strange with the photos and i dont like it

i turn older tomorrow...why cant i be 22 forever?
have worked ok today, was in the library early - in fact i was the only student in tbe library for a while - geek i know.
my department have been very nice to me, my tutor who i have often complained about is being very nice which is good.
um, not much else to say...will post if anything interesting happens, doubt it will!

am almost at bursting point...i really am - and thats not because i have eaten so much chocolate after lent has finished (have actually been very good, as not eating chocolate helped me lose weight last term),but about something else that has been on my mind for ages...
work is going, revision is one of the dullest things you can do, but am trying my best to get things done. today i revised my training mosule, tomorrow its ergonomics - oh the joy is almost crazy..
birthday on saturday...the big 2-3. so much has happened in the last few weeks that celebrating feels almost wrong.

yesterday was the first time that babcia had been to our house in five years, so it was really nice to have her with us for easter sunday, as it is a very familial affair in Poland. I sat next to her during the meal, and she was telling me stories about dziadzio, and we both had a good little cry over dinner together which was sad, but we both needed it, as we actually havnt had much time to get used to the idea, what with the funeral arrangements, revision (for me), and then easter. so we had a good cry, and that was special.

my mum did us all proud with lovely food once again - i think it was also because I missed out on easter last year, and so this year it was so much more yummy.
today i have said goodbye to both my bros and davina, as they have gone back to respective flats, and i have been doing stats revision, although not much is going in, and tomorrow i am returning to notts to get my head down in the books and do hardcore revision that is really needed.

its been an emotional time at home, and babcia is going to be sad for a very long time, so i really must make more of an effort to write and to ring her so she doesnt feel alone. am also going to send her a copy of the little prince - a book so lovely everyone should read it....

happy easter everyone

i just wanted to put a quick post on. first off, thanks for the continuing messages of support that I have received from people - it really is special for me, the fact that people are praying and thinking for my family and i is just so lovely, and i truly know that I am so lucky to have such wonderful friends. The funeral the other day was very hard indeed, and it was a tough but beautiful service. we gave my grandad a special service, for the strong and special man that he was to us.

Easter sunday will be hard this year, with everyone still sad about grandad, but i hope its more of a time to celebrate life and the time that we can spend with each other.

i want to warn nottingham people that I am still quite teary at the moment, i try not to be, but i do find that some things set me off a lot, so if you see my cry i am sorry...but i will be doing hardcore revision when i get back anyways, as it has been hard to revise whilst helping to sort out funeral arrangements

and to ben - well my love, congratualtions, and enjoy the spiritual journey that you are now embarking on. i am glad that yesterday went well for you, and of course i would have contacted you on this special day...i am shocked you would have thought otherwise.

so happy easter my loves, and take care all of you, and thank you once again for all the support i have received, it s a huge blessing, and i am very thankful for it all

xxx

the last few days have been pretty tough. i have tried to put a brave face on - especially for my mum and for my babcia, but its been hard to and has used up a lot of my energy. I went to babcias as soon as i got back from Nottingham. It was strange going into the house, and not turning left to go and kiss dziadzio hello, and say in a cheery Polish way - i hope that he was well. Instead my babcia hugged me like she has never hugged me before, not letting go, and just repeating in my ear, he is with God now, he is not suffering anymore. a few tears came, but i just took some deep breaths, i didnt want to cry obviously infront of my nan.

When we went to church on sunday, it was just after communion, and the choir were singing a really nice song, and we had just finished a hymn that i love but havnt sung for a while, and my mum and i just sat and cried. We both lit a candle at the ned of church for dziadzio, to show that he is with the light of God.

Today, was the day when if we wanted to we could go to the chapel of rest. This may sound really weak and pathetic, but I just couldnt go. The last time i saw dziadzio was when i said good bye to him before going to Nottingham in january. As i sais bye and held his hand, there was a little sparkle in his eye, and a little smile on his face, and i dont want to forget that, and so seeing him there would have just been to hard. my mum understood when i told her yesterday, and said that was fine. I am trying to be string for my mum too, she is covering up a lot of sadness - its only just beginning to sink in for all of us.

Its the funeral tomorrow afternoon - a chance for us all to say goodbye to him fully. its going to be a hard and emotional day, and so prayers from people will be appreciated. My brother andrew and I will be doing the readings, i just hope that I will be strong enough to get through them. It is going to be tough, and i will be sad for a long time, so if i get tearful if i am around people for a few weeks then forgive me now...especially all the nottingham people who will probably bear the brunt of it.

I have been trying to do some revision to take my mind of it all, and get some of the information into my head for the exams as time is slowly ticking away, but it has been hard as you can imagine.

I would also like to take this time to thank everyone for the amazing support that they have given me, its been so good to have people around me and taking care of me, and just offering support - you are truly very good people, and just thank you a lot. it means a lot and i am very thankful

forgive me if i get very emotional during this post

as many of my regular blog readers will know, and all my closest friends will know my grandparents mean the world to me, and i love them dearly. also, many of them will also know, how much i have struggled with my grandads dementia, and how much it upsets me that he has struggled and suffered with this terrible illness. Unite two years ago was very tearful for me, as that night at the end of october he was given just 24 hours to live. Well, today, this morning he is struggling no more, he has joined the angels in Heaven, as very sadly he died. Apparently he didnt suffer, he had extra oxygen, but his heart was too weak, and he left this world, to go to some better place where he isnt ill anymore, and he feels no pain.

At the moment, I am distraught. I tried to speak to my mum, but no words could come out of my mouth, and i couldnt even bring myself to talk to my babcia as that would have been too hard. My grandad was a brilliant man. He really was. Battling on till the last moment. none of us could comprehend where all his strength was coming from...his longing to live was just amazing. but today, he must have realised that it was too much.

I would really just want everyone to say a prayer for him, to allow him to be happy with God, and let him be peaceful and pain free.

Also, can people pray for my Gran. She has been with him all through this illness, and has given up everything to be with him, even at times compromising her own health. my nan is a women i aspire to be, so strong and resilient. This is going to be so hard for her. they had been married for 55 1/2 years, and i know that she loved him so much. please can you pray that she has the strength to overcome this, and that she knows that we all love her so much.

the next few weeks are going to be very emotional, and i apologise now to all the people around me if i just cry on them, or get moody or emotional.

Dziadzio, i love you so much, and I really hope and pray that God has taken you into his arms, and you are looking down on us now, and guiding us. i pray that you are pain free and no longer have to struggle and suffer, and that you are full of Gods love and goodness.

have just had a mullerice pudding thing - and have to admit i was very surprised by it, it was very tasty.
am nearly on exploding point about an issue - am surprised it hasnt become public knowledge yet, but its driving me a bit crazy as i just dont know what to do. i am really cold today, hot water bottle for me tonight.

finished my stats notes - they were a mare, have just got to learn it all now. reading the notes i photocopied from ellie now - its so much quicker to read someone elses notes...i just hope that she can read my handwriting....

not much else is happening...we still have not got the frisbee back, but we hope that it will be back soon. the fridge in our flat had been fixed, noe the light in our hallway has broken...

am not in the best of moods today, am just annoyed with myself for being a bit of a loser about certain things...i say loser i really just mean scared....

right, these last few days have done nothing but stats, but quantitative and qualitative, and they have nearly killed me. i have one more lecture to go for quantitative and thats a killer...today i have done two, and seriously its been a struggle, gosh man, this exam is going to be a killer.

also, this weekend the cat was almost let out of the bag about something, and i got quite moody about that, i didnt mean to get moody, but it was so close to happening. well, i know its only my stupidity, but hey never mind.

yesterday, my tiredness hit me big time. i was so tired, and when my brother rang me in the evening i was dozing when trying to listen to what he was saying...so i went to bed, but couldnt sleep for a while. am still quite tired today, so may try and get another early night, will see if it works. something else upset me yesterday, but that is on the way to being resoved too, so fingers crossed.

take care my darlings