i just want to say thank you for these two people for making the last month bearable for me...i feel like i have known you for much longer then i have had..here are some of our laughs!

this is on the ferry on the way back from taize - limited sleep for a week, and a 4am ferry, yet we still laughed till we wet ourselves and shared my throw for warmth...love you

and sleeping on daves shoulder for a lot of the journey home - twas quite comfy - even though they did mimick picking my nose!

oh, and i should also say thank you to the toilet cleaning crew - you were stars

hello
i am feeling a lot better now...i had a very emotional friday and saturday, but i am feeling better. saturday afternoon i had spent with babcia, we saw joseph and his technicolour dreamcoat, and we had fun beforehand, but she said some stuff that made me think, and when i got home, i thought, and thought, and yeah, it went downhill...damn thinking - its not good for me.
sunday, i went to church - much needed, had a chat with scripture after, popped to the shops, drove home, drove to my nans and drove home. my bro from madrid rang me for an age which was amazing - i love speaking to him, and so that was really good.
on monday, i picked up dave and susan and we voyaged to brommers, and we went wedding outfit shopping, as dave is off to a wedding, and so am i! i purchased a dress, and now i have two to choose from....we had a wonder and a chat, and i drove them back, arranging a time for the evening. i was in my element in the afternoon - making stuffed courgettes, cous cous salad, garlic bread and then angel delight cake for pud! dinner i should say went down a treat. dave and susan gave me empty plates in return...and we had good conversation and funness, and then drove them home, having a good God chat with Dave before letting him escape my car!
work today has been a bit of a chillsome day, but hey sometimes you get days like that!
three day week next week, and a haircut in my "lunch break"...very excited

so yeah, i still have many issues to overcome for me and God, but i now know i have some awesome support to help me
thanks guys
x

at the moment of writing this, i am in floods of tears. i have had such a hard week - work has been manic, and my emotions are going on over-drive, and at the moment i just feel so alone.
some people who are still close to me will probably know what is going on for me right now - others probably dont care. over the past year, i have had my ups and downs, but i have always tried to be the best friend i can to people - always, and just now, i feel used and it really hurts...it really does.
work provides a haven for me - somewhere i can just be professional for 9 hours, and then go home.
home becomes a stressful place
I am having God issues - i am trying to unmask, knock down barriers that i have had for almost ten years of my life, and this is so hard for me - actually now having to face what i have been putting off in my life - and it is scary and it hurts, and i am scared, and i dont know what to do.
i cant think anymore,
i guess in the future i just have to be more careful

i have had quite an emotional week this week - but hey ho - things go like that sometimes. It doesn't surprise me, as my promise to myself was to be more honest with myself and how i am feeling - so I am allowed to be down, and not cover it. It is helping...i need to get the nasty stuff out of my system. I need to get the people and the issues that are currently getting me down out of my way, so I can let the nice things in! new philosophy.

i had a lovely evening on thursday when i met a friend fo dinner - it was just what i needed - a good religion talk, and a good man problem talk. we are both having some troubles in some parts of our faith, and it is so helpful to have people to chat things through with...loved it.

have had a busy weekend, and it seems as if the dizzy/fainty spells are coming back again, as there have been a few times this weekend where I have had to stop what I have been doing to regain a bit of composure - was not liking that.
have also been doing some deanery duties today, so that should be coming along. this week is going to be a busy week, with the release of my report at work, and so we shall see how this one is taken - i cannot say too much -

have got new glasses (will be collecting them next week) - i have to wear them when using the computer...they have cost quite a bit but hopefully i will get my voucher from work to cover the vast majority of the bill - they already paid for the test - good old government! hopefully that should stop the headaches I have been getting...have to wear my old ones until nexy week though!
have a few people to be meeting with this week, keeping me very busy, some people i have not seen in a while, some i have seen recently - should be good stuff...

i am going to write a little bit more about taize - sorry if this bores people, but it has had a huge effect on me, and it is so important to me.
my taize day started at 7am...usually after a not a very much sleep as the tent was generally quite noisy. i made my way to the main site to wash, and then went to 7:30 am Catholic eucharist. that finished at 8, and then the main church was opened up for 8:15 morning prayer, that lasted until about 9. i then met up with the others, usually dave, matt and susan, and we queued up for breakfast...a bowl of hot chocolate, a bread roll and a stick of chocolate (sometimes 2 or 3 if you were lucky). after that it was chore time - cleaning the toilet block out by the church for me. then it was shower (after cleaning toilets it was needed). usually just chatted to randoms, dave, susan, and at 12:15 it was time for mid-day prayer. that went on to one, and then we queued for lunch. after lunch, we went to the lake/sat in the garden/did some quiet time...and at 3:15 we had a bible study/workshops/discussion groups - i went to the Luke workshops, and how it challenges us in our everyday lives. we then had taize tea at 5:15, and then had a break or optional workshops...i went to some on Christianity and Islam, Violence within us, we had a meeting with Brother Mark, and a meeting with the English groups with brother Paulo. tea was at 7pm, after which at 8:15 was evening prayer. after that we went to Oyak or did a prayer session, chatted, and did bible discussions. on thursday, Brother Aloisi did a reading of a letter to all the people in Taize. On friday there was a veneration of the cross - i wanted for ages to do this, and this was one of the most beautiful moments of my time out there. I felt such a release of emotion/pressures when i did this - it was a powerful moment of prayer and i feel very blessed to have had the opportunity to have done this. on saturday we had the candlelight service which was just beautiful, no words can describe this - it was just...(fill in appropriate word). usually, i would stay in the church for a while after evening prayer, i talked to some of the brothers of the community about some of my problems, some of the challenges that arose from the Bible discussions, and some of the emotions that were running through me. i would pray for a bit, and i spoke to the English Bishop about relationship problems, and things connected with that, and my greatest fears.

i met some amazing people - if i came out of the church crying, a random would come up and hug me. one day i went down to the lake, after having had a challenging bible group - i sat in one of the prayer shelters, and just cried...some people came up to me, hugged me, and said i could chat to them if i needed them....i became very close to two of the petts wood people, dave and susan - they began to read me very well. i was very open and honest with them, about my life, my faith and my worries. it was very rewarding and very open. i was able to cry when i wanted to, laugh when i wanted to, talk about my faith and not be shot down or questioned, sing songs, or worship songs, talk about loving God, and not get laughed at, but most of all I had the chance to develop my relationship with God which is something i most sincerely wanted to do.

Taize was such a small community, but the ability to find silence was amazing - i loved just being able to sit and have time to muself to read my Bible, and think a lot about what is going on in my life. and i did do a lot of thinking. i thought about the last few years - people who have made and broken me, friendships that i have developed, people i have met, what i have achieved, and what i want to do next - yes, some of these thoughts are still in my head, and some of the things that have happened in the last few weeks, have given me some answers. but now i have developed a relationship with God that is stronger then it has been for a while, I realise that some of these fears are passable, and even not really fears at all, and that to me was special.

i know that many people will not understand this, and i dont blame you, but this holiday was so special for me, for all the relationships that I made, the glimmer of hope that i received, and the little scratch that i began, that will soon get deeper so the real me can come out to more people, so they can get a greater understanding of me. i really have to thank everyone who went with me for the effect they had on me, and the friendship and the love and appreciation they showed me - what a blessed week it was.

i just have to say another thing about Taize - i have made some unbelievably close friends - and i have to say a huge thank you to both David and Susan who made my time out there so special, who looked after me, who cuddled me when i was crying, and who laughed with me when i laughed, and to david for giving me a shoulder and an arm to sleep on all the way back home. These two people have had a huge impact on my life in the last fortnight, and we contact each other everyday, and only go a few days without seeing each other. I pray that my relationship with these two can stay like this, as they have given me more support then they know.

Taize has a very special place in my heart, and I am very greatful for God, and the people there for that

i think i should do a quick update about Taize
it was in a word - brilliant. I had such an amazing time - and such a spiritual time. yes, it was very emotional, there is no getting away from that, and the fact you could just break down in tears at any time...but I think the point I have to make most whole heartedly is that my relationship with God did grew so much stronger. I really felt God work in me, and take away so many of my anxieties and worries. so much so, I am now on half of my dose of anti-depressants. it was like a huge weight had been removed from my shoulder, and i really have to praise God for that. I made some amazing friends....i really did. the group of us that went have all really bonded amazingly and i know that we will remain close for a long time. and we are going to go to Taize in Geneva for the New Years, and there will be many Taize times to have.

I really do thank God for everything...it was just such a blessed week.

Taize today!
am very excited, a wee bit nervous, but very excited...hope to meet some absolutely amazing people, and have some time for contemplation and just a wee bit of a relax

hopefully my contract will be extended after my appraisal yesterday...HR have to agree first...a strong business case has to be put in....but they are very happy with me, and told me not to look for a new job! i was pleased, and will be getting a wee bit of a payrise now! yay!

finished my court report, its off with vicky now to do her little section to it...she has received a 27 page monster from me! hehehehehe...was good having a wee little slam of the court system. we may have a very new interesting project in the pipeline now....just have to finalise the funding!

august in turning out to be a very busy month for me, work wise and social wise! should be fun!

better go to the shop and get coach food now....leaving in a matter of hours.

take care, and i will speak to you all on my return...will try not to leave it so long next time...have been very busy with work, youth club stuff and trying to sort out the bromley deanary!

have just finished packing - think i have taken way too much as per usual! but am ready for all weathers!
xxx

once again, it has been an absolute age since i have last blogged, but i have been very busy. work has been keeping me very much occupied. i am now writing up a comparison between the two magistrates courts i have been observing - its very hard. but qualitative analysis is taking ages. work has been very enjoyable, lots of laughs, and quite a few drinks after work recently...which i do love, but i do get annoyed when i am sometimes not allowed to buy a round! i am very glad that places are now smoke free - hurrah! i wont smell when i go out now! yay!

um, rain - obviously has made a huge impact on the country at the moment. luckily floods of the dramatic scenes that have been seen (see james' blog) have not happened in London - but we have had rain, and indeed we have also had bomb threats. on friday i didnt know that much about it on my way to work, but now i am getting quite scared about my commute into town - that is exactly what they want, and i hate that, but hey...i hope that it goes ok.

i have been doing some youth type stuff - yesterday i had a youth training and resources day - it was very good, very informative, and also introduced me to the people who rub breaking opeb the word which i am going to try and go to from now on, as it does sound fab! have meetings galore this week, another youth group one, and a taize meeting also! very very busy, but good!
met up with susannah recently - hadnt seen her for two years - crazy! but just great - was cool to see her, and nice catch up. so yeah...

um, rain broke off for long enough for me to do an hours run - am cream crackered now! but it was a good run - always what the doctors had ordered...and it is true - it makes me feel so much better, and the happy hormones do go like crazy. talking about that, my mood has been up and down. two things in particular are making me down, not wanting to divulge too much, a few people know what they are...one i think will get sorted, but the other, well i dont know at all.

anyways, enough for now
take care
xx

yet another week has passed before i have been able to blog...not much has changed. work has been very busy...saw an awful court last week, and could not believe that this was it - shocked me. have booked a meeting with vicky and steve tomorrow to talk about the court research we have done...vicky = very enthusiastic, steve = very enthusiastic...i wonder if i will be able to get a word in edge ways! oh man..never mind, we shall see. should be a good meeting though, and it will really help me with the project that I am currently doing so that is always good.

um, work has been fun...on monday it was catching fruit in the mouth thrown over from the other side of the office - oh yeah...blueberries were easier than orange segments, and i was trying to compose a proper email to steve at this point...obv it turned silly, but hey, work emails generally are.

i have been doing some SPSS training with Tania so that I can deal with the diversity requests that we are dealing with at the moment...i did one all on my own this afternoon - wohoo. yesterday i did one with supervision, i got a high five! made me smile.

my nan came over on sunday - said i was looking thin, which was good. my priest told me that taize had been booked - 11 of us going - yay, and i am now going to a youth training day which will be fun, so that i can help out in the parish. i did some running but it had to be on my trampoline as the weather was shit.

all in all things are very much samey. missing notts people, and some exeter people too, but hey, that is always the case. its been three weeks since something, and that has calmed me down which is nice, well not nice, but am getting there

it has been a bit of a strange week - i will try and explain. monday last week i left work late as we had some much needed work to finish, and as i was highly involved in it, i couldnt just go. on tuesday, i have to admit, even though i had so much work to do, and really had to concentrate when i was in court, i was thinking about what was happening after work - and that was i was meeting up with dan, who the week before had asked me out again. i was thinking about what to do an what to say for a long time. stayed at work later than usual as i was meeting dan quite near to work, and by the time i had met him, i had made up my decision. we had a drink, and skirted around the issue...but i said to him no. basically i saw it as a step back, and not a step forward, and with a crush on someone else i couldnt go out with him...and from what i have now been told about him, i am glad about the decision i made. i slept very well that night. on wednesday, i told work, and they were happy for me. to make up for tuesday i worked hard, but played hard too...and in the evening, Nigel, Ash and I went to the Duke for a quick drink, and four hours later we decided to go home...they made me laugh until i cried...the best type of laughing! thursday was court, but a normal day, until tania and i went to collect ants for our antfarm...friday, my brain was not working at all...tania, ash and i had a huge fucking laugh in the office, dares, stupid eyes, ant collecting, dancing, juggling - it was just really really silly! not much was done, but we had just had such a laugh! steve came up to see our antfarm - one of the only people we have told about it that actually likes the sound of it - and he was actually fascinated..he wouldnt put it down...it was so funny!

by the end of the day i was so tired...just laughing loads!

so my week was knackering, but by the end of the week i was a bit blue, which turned to very blue at the weekend. on sunday at our church was the first holy communion for 26 little 7-8 year olds, and i had a tear in my eye - it was beautiful..i remember my communion loads, and it was just so sweet - beautiful service....

today at work - i was grumpy - i told ash as soon as i got into the office - but he didnt mind - he is great like that...nigel noticed too - but they were happy when i showed them my popping candy and wham bars i had found them! at four this afternoon, Tania suggested the park, so we downed tools and went to the park...ash was very enthusiastic with my poi - resulting in them needing some love and care - we shall fix them tomorrow, nigel was perfecting his handstands, and then twisting me round on the swings...this is what 24-30 odd year old people do at work obviously! that made me feel better, and some other bits of information that I received today also made me feel a lot lot better about things! oh and a lopt of our ants have died, but we are going to start again

tomorrow, i have court, and then a busy day, and in the evening i am having a meal with some ex-monks and priests and the deanary forum....should be good, but it means that i have to leave work dead on 5! should be exciting!

well, that has been going on in the little world of me...we shall see what else will happen...my mind is relieved

ok
so this week of work had flown by, because i have had laughs - ash is back - hurrah! we have been sampling the delights of chocolate covered crisps (not so good), and just been having office fun, although i didnt do a dare they were desperately wanting me to do, even though the dare money was the highest it has ever been (£13.50), and i would have earnt a few points doing it also. my sweet-talking i did for steve was noted, and he said i should have a point, but my office said it could only come from them - robbed. we went out on wednesday night, just spur of the moment - as i found my trains home were cancelled, and so it was going to take me an age to get home, so i thought that i might make ot a bit longer...we had a lot of work drinking fun, with nigel trying to teach me magic tricks, and them finally realising that i do indeed have large hands for a girl. we also planned some summer lunch time fun, including frisbee on the street and park, juggling, football, and a sponsored run between the london buildings. on my eventual way home, i was thrown into a poetic whirlwind of confusion.

on friday at work, tania came in late in the afternoon, just as my brain was beginning to stop working completely, and i had a much needed girlie chat. she was telling me about the difference between american and british men, and sometimes that she found it really hard to relate to british men...she then asked me about my relationship status, which at the moment is very complicated, as well, lets just say that it is. anyway, i told her about a huge crush that i have at the moment, and admitted who it was. she found it very funny, as she thought that the person in question was gay! hehehehe! she understood my position very well, and understood that it sometimes could be a bonus, especially when it has been a slow day at work. so i have a lot of thinking to do over the next few days, but thanks to tania, my secret is out, and unlike other things in the office, this is going to stay between the two of us, otherwise my life would not be worth living (in the office anyway). but it was a big relief off my shoulders, and made me feel a lot lighter, which was very good. i did say a big thank you afterwards, and then helped her learn mack the knife for her drama class! and i may even have offered to help her find ants for her ant farm

we have had my ciocia from canada over for a few days this week which is nice, and she took the whole bajorek clan, and my babcia out for a meal which was lush. she is a lovely lady.

and on an end note, i have been covering a different court recently, and it has been much better, and justice is actually served! shock horror i know, but it was nice to see...and they even gave me a court list to have, so i knew what was going on. thanks camberwell!

well, as you read on saturday, i was feeling blue...well soon after that post, it got worse. i got so down, i basically made myself ill...not sick...well i was sick, but not like that. basically i had cried so much on saturday that i gave myself a huge migraine, my head felt like it was going to explode, and my eyes felt like they were being pushed out of my head. it was because of my migraine i was ill, it wasnt pretty...and well that was saturday evening - how i love bank-holiday weekends. yesterday, my mum for the first time in me having depression for about the past 7 years, said to me the word depression, and how worried she was about it all...that must have been a bit of a breakthrough for her i swear. and today, well i have no migraine, and i havent been crying...yet, but i am still not good.

i just feel let down by myself and other people. they probably dont even know who they are, but man...i have been so mucked around by so many people in my life, that i just cant stand it anymore. it hurts too much. people who know me, know that usually i put so much effort into everything, and that includes friendship, and on many times i just feel that i get slapped in the face. well i am not taking it anymore. if people want to treat my like shit, then they should not be surprised when it comes back at them. i cant be putting 100% into trying to maintain contact, and trying to be happy, and trying to do all i can to save things i once believed was worth saving anymore. i just dont physically have the mental strength to do it. its not fair, and its impossible.

i am not the strong, happy out-going person that everbody seems to think i am. gosh no. i am so weak, feeble, so unsure of myself, my looks, my personality, constantly critising every last little piece of me that you would not believe. i worry about me, i worry about those around me. i found my diary for nottingham last year...every paragraph was at the moment i am worried about people x, y and z. my friends meen everything to me, they kee me going more than people realise...so when something is up with them, i take it on personally aswell - i guess its lucky that i never did become a counsellor - i would not be able to get up for work in the morning would i?

anyways, that is it. i am a person who suffers from depression, and at the moment, things are not going exactly the way that i planned, but i know that i have to keep on going, and trying to resolve issues, and i am going to put 100% into making me better for a change.

at the moment i seem to have entered an incredibly down phase. i have spent most of today crying - even whilst shopping, and i just cant seem to pick myself up...there are a few things making me feel like this. work is the only thing that is keeping me going at the moment - as i always seem to be cheered up by the people around me, and i get appreciated for the work that i do, and the comments that i make. on thursday i had a hugely busy day at work - i had to run from court to work, and when i got in i bumped right into steve, and usually i would stop to chat, and i really wanted to, but i had 20 minutes to eat lunch and print out the documents that i needed for a meeting i was the minute maker at..me no time to talk - shows how busy i truly was. on firday i had to do steves dirty work, as he left the office early without contacting a member of my team...he rang in from the train..."zofia, ive been a fool", was very funny! have been really into my court work at the moment, and i am changing courts for the next month, so i will have to get to know the prosecutors all over again. i had to stand up in open court the other day and explain to the court what i was really doing there...eek! it was very nerve-racking! but i managed to blag my way into staying in court...thank goodness.

so, yeah, my work is really keeping me sane at the moment...the only thing that is actually doing that. home is making me go insane...am looking on flat share websites for places i can afford...but there are not that many. i want to stay aroundish this area as i am getting more involved in my church stuff, and i dont want to leave it in the lurch now i have got stuck in.

but, man, i really need a boost in the old happy hormone at the moment, as its not looking good at the moment. in fact, its the worse i have been in a bloody age, at a time when i thought that things were getting better for me as i had been feeling so much better. i have regressed about a year i reckon. have just done a 50 minute run as i think i have put on some weight, just as i had reached my target weight as well...so more exercising is going to have to happen to me to maintain that, and lose a little bit more as i still am not happy....but almost a stone lost now, so it is coming off slowly.

not much else to add. dixie chicks playing - good tune.

Wow - i never meant to leave it this long until i blogged...here we go!
the deanary meeting went really well from my perspective - i was the feedbacker from my group, so i managed to add a few of my things too! a few priests from around the area took my name so that i can get involved in things, and my priest asked my to do a write up for the parish news letter which i duly did, and even got a mention in church too! so that was all good!

work has been going..my work remit seems to have grown, but i dont mind...i have been having a laugh with people, and steve came up last week too, and we had a good chat, and he met my new boss! he was much liked by my office - not hard really as he is so easy to get on with! court is becoming very interesting...i have prosecutors throwing info at me, just wanting to get a lot of stuff off their chest, which is brilliant for my research. today 36 cases in less than three hours - how can that be providing justice? my question exactly? one more day at thames magistrates, then i start at camberwell - i feel like a dirty women cheating on my court...i have become quite attached to thames court 7!

my weekend was good, it was dans birthday so i met up with him, and his new teacher friends (i was the only one who didnt really know people), but it was really good. i was able to mingle and fit in well, his friends, and even him were lovely, and a good time was had by all! i had to leave earlier then the others to run for my last train home, so i missed dan getting thrown out - it doesnt surprise me as he had to drink everything we got him - it wasnt pretty!

and well...things are just going on, i am having a bit of fun, and a laugh, and just plodding on....now i have to go and get some stuff ready for work tomorrow!

quick summary of the weekend as my bed time is approaching fast - it was good.
saturday i tried to get my haorcut, but booked an appointment at the hair dressers instead for next week, and so just chilled at home, until gone fourish when i got ready to go to my bros for a joseph and eurovision night - a night of campness - bloody fantastic. eurovision - well uk sang ok actually, but i had pulled out serbia in the sweepstake so i was pretty chuffed with the result...i claimed greece on the night, and they came up good too! but andy won on the claims - he claimed russia! many gin and tonics, some guitar heroes, and maltesers later, tim and i made our way back to brixtom station for the last train home!

today has also been good. we had three baptisms at church this morning - i think that these were my first baptisms i had seen - and we had some damned good hymns too - so i had a very gppd church time today, and at the end i lit a candle for little madeleine - it is so sad, and i really really hope that she is found alive. made my way home - got a bit drenched in the rain, but hey ho...watched a film - the magdelene sisters - very very sad but a brilliant film, and then went to my nans...but she was very down and sad, so it didnt put my mum and i in the best of moods.

tonight i have packed a few clothes for birmingham, as tomorrow, i am one of two people representing my parish at the diocese meeting...at 24 i am glad that i am still seen to be the representative of the youth! brilliant!

anyways, had better finish my kiwi and make my way to bed...work is going to be very busy this week!

helloo dear blog!
well, this week court has been very interesting. some cases have not been nice at all, and actually made me shiver sometimes in my seat...thankfully, i do not sit in crown courts, as i would have heard the horrid details. as a result i have had some very interesting conversations with my team, and judging people and the society that we live in. thats why i love my work...we are quite open and open to discussion, and i feel appreciated which is even better. have been doing a lot of reading at the moment - train helps. at the moment i am reading the five people you meet in heaven, but a few times, i have had to stop for nearly crying...its a very moving book, it really is.
this next week is going to be busy too..two days in court...and trip to b'ham for the annual staff conference, and i am staying overnight the night before in a hotel with a double bed....little things! hopefully i will see ady too, which will be fab.
um, not much else to say. congrats to ben on getting a job...i am glad that one has finally come for you...good luck when you start.

wow - two posts in one week - what the hell is going on?
well, i have a bit of time before some family come round in an hour or so, so i decided to do some webbing, add some songs to my radioblog, and i thought that i would update my blog too.

today at church we had a reading about barnabasm, the name meaning son of encouragement, and we were asked to think about all those who have encouraged us in different positive things. and oh my word my list seemed to be never ending, and so i thought that i would mention a few...

first - jonathan - indeed, you were right when you said that i would get this job, and all the help that you gave me in nottingham last year - thanks!

all the rest of the nottingham boys - indeed the cloister boys kept me going, and allowed me (a girl) to hang out with them - brilliant!

ben - for a person that i have only met a few times in my life you too helped me through last year. i think that both of us know that things are not nearly the same anymore, and i do kindof miss that sometimes, but it is totally understandable i guess...but hey, you were a great support to me

james and mark - my third year in exeter would not have been so fun if it wasnt for you two just making me laugh so much and being there for me for a shoulder to cry on, and save me from my manic revision schedule, and introduce me to the wonders of monkeyball!

ellie and the occ psych girls - ellie - the first english person i spoke to in nottingham - hehehehehe! thanks you for last year, swapping notes, and drinking gin, and wine soc, and stuff.

han - like ben - wow we have only met each other a few times, but the amount of laughter i do when you are around is just silly - almost wetting myself laughter - the best type. you are a special lady, and in subtle ways you encourage me in so many ways...you naughty bunny you.

lesotho team - wow the amount of encouragement i get from you guys is amazing...when i need as prayer - i know exactly who to turn to....with my unobtainable crush - you get me, and laugh it through with me, and understand what i mean...lesotho 2005 - with us forever dudes.

katy - cathsoc katy...grassu slope, biscuits, pub career sessions, avoiding goose poo - what a star.

tess, rachel, and maltese rachel - such special ladies...you guys also made my third year at exeter - how much of a good time did i have...so much fun, and you guys were such a big part.

amy and ali - the girls i lived with for so much time at uni...brilliant lovelies...love you.

fr paul...had to be there...greatest landlord fo all time!

so as you can see loads of people have given me encouragement, and this is without family, and people at work who have given me a huge boost recently....

so i have done a lot of thinking indeed...
tomorrow, museums and art galleries i think it is!
xxx

well, in this last week work has become quite hectic...i have been observing court quite a lot, and having to take notes. I am now recognised by some of the Crown Prosecutors and court clerks, who say what they think are passing comments, but are in fact very interesting and informative. but a lot of what i see a) makes me quite scared about some of the people in society and b) makes me scared about the criminal justice system and some of the workings of the court. But having said that it is very interesting. Vicky is away on fieldwork at the moment, and when she comes back we are going to start going through all our notes, and picking out themes...qualitative analysis - oh yeah! I am still making lots of report summaries to put around the commission, and maybe to the public on the website, and am doing a briefing for the commissioners of our latest work too. Ash has gone on leave so i proof read his article for him, and sent the changes for big nigel to go over...

other things...soon our diocese is doing its final towards a vision session, where five people from every catholic church go to one church for a meeting. at church last week, fr bryan told me that i was one of the chosen ones from our church! wohoo...another time to get my voice heard about how to get youth back...

in other things...well having not had my a-ds for a few days, and then going back on them again, my body has been a bit mucked up, and doesnt really know if it is coming or going. this has stressed me out a bit, it has made sleeping not very good, and has also made me a bit emotional. jonathan has been getting the train home with me which has been good, as it means i can talk things over with him....and monday lunch was a really nice time, as adrian was around, and so after giving him details as to how to get to the office, jonathan and i met him and chatted in the park for an hour for our break which was fantastic! it was so good to see him again, it had been 7 months since the last time! wohoo! that cheered me up a lot, its so good to see a good friend after a long time. anyways, am doing my best to do things to cheer myself up....dares in the office had me laughing till i nearly wet myself. i now know that i cannot eat a fairy cake from between my elbows!

in the last few years i did a running count down to my birthday, but this year I am too old to do stuff like this, so i have just let it pass this year. but i did do something different, and that was to go to madrid to visit my brother and my sister in law. I left work half an hour early on thursday, got to gatwick, and found that my phone had broken...great way to start the holiday! i arrived in madrid to be welcomed by both of them. i basically had a great weekend. i managed to spend a lot of time with my brother and talk so much through with him. i had so much that i wanted to talk to him about, so many many things. it gave me time to think about what has happened to me in the last few months, and he was able to give me a lot of wise words, and i realised just how much i missed him not being in the same country as me. i was spoilt so much by them, rounded off on my actual birthday with a three course meal cooked by davina. i flew back home yesterday evening, and got home at 11, way past my bedtime!

today was back at work which was good, i had a laugh, and then did some more fieldwork at court. i had so many emails to sort through it was silly, but i managed to do it all which was good, and now i am concentrating on the paper i am helping to co-write. I always wanted to get some work published in a journal, and if this goes well, then it looks like it might.

the only bad thing about the weekend, was that i forgot to take my medication, and towards the end i started to feel ill, proper withdrawal symptoms as it is almost like cold turkey. i am back on them now, as over the weekend, unfortunately, i realised that however much i tried and try, i realised that i need them.

this week has been a very strange week as it has only been four days at work - next week will be three and a half what with me going out to Madrid for my birthday weekend. i love my work...this week i have done my perosonel development plan and chatted through it with alexy, and i have some very interesting things coming up. we have gone out for team drinks which was lovely, and yeah, i have been knuckling down, and having a much needed laugh with some members regarding some of my nick-names....and at the pub after a few glasses, they made me say out loud in front of my boss how i had been dared to end some of my emails...luckily the funny side was seen by all those around me!

other things have been getting on my nerves a lot this week, but i am just trying to forget about such things, and say sod them if it happens again, as at the end of the day it just isnt worth it. i am not 100% with how things are going in my life at the moment, but i dont have to be laughed at by others.

and just to say, am soooo glad peep show is back on channel 4....it makes staying in on friday worthwhile....many laughs came from me - hurrah

what a strange easter weekend i have had. It started on thursday, after work i got home, rushed down some tea, then headed to church as i had to be there early as Fr Bryan had asked me if i could be one of the people having my feet washed in the service, so I was basically a server for the service. it was a lovely service though. i then waited up to see peter and davina, and went to bed feeling normal. however, on friday morning, i was anything but normal, and infact i have bee descrived as limp, weak, feeble, and very yellow looking, and had an ambulance called for me and everything. 5 hours of being on a drip, and having various medicines injected into me at hospital, and having to drink re-hydration solution, and waiting for my very low blood pressure to increase, and racing pulse to decrease, i was released from hospital armed with some tablets, and spent the rest of friday passed out with a temperature on the sofa at home! saturday morning, i was still not great but a lot better then friday morning, but ihad to go to confession and get a few bits and bobs for my bros and davina for easter. by the evening, i had some of my strength back, and we went to the easter vigil.

easter sunday, i was feeling much better again, and now able to keep food and water down - hurrah! helpful, as Polish easters are very plentiful food wise! we had a lot of family round, and a lot of fun was had....

the result of all this is, I have finally reached my target weight that I have been wanting to be for about two and a half years! i have lost almost a stone since leaving nottingham now - feeling better for it, but some of what i have lost on the past few days, are easily going to be put back on again, especially as i can eat chocolate again...but i havent really done so due to awful stomach bug!

so this will be one interesting story to tell work tomorrow! i have a brusied hand from where my drip was, but i am feeling much better now...it would have been very interesting to have seen myself with a yellow face....but i am reliably informed that it wasnt really very pleasant!

i hope everyone else has had a very lovely easter - the weather has been lovely! and i am glad that it is a four day week at work this week - as i will be having my "talks" with my bosses about what new projects I can get involved with.

Take care everyone
xx

work the last few days has been a bit crazy...not busy, totally the opposite. i have had nothing to do. my boss has been ill, and so I have not been able to help her in her research, and as we have just published three documents, and its coming up to easter, its all been on a bit of a go slow. i have been doing some background reading of old reports that we have published, and also i was that bored i started tidying the office. also completed some lame dares set by some team members, and now i am 1 1/2 points ahead on the point bored, owed some glasses of wine, and won fifty pence. "hang loose, my career rock already, rock on, laters, and peace out to the max" i would like to say now are not appropriate signing off's for emails I do recognise, but to when dared to do some things (quite lame really) i am well up for it...and the person i was emailing to seemed to like it, as i had some just as bad responses!

a four day week, this week is going quickly, and next week is a four day week too - should be good. and hopefully, by then i may have something to do

on the by, i have a monthly check up tomorrow...am not looking forward to it much. it has been a bit of an up and down month, not that people would notice as i am hiding things better than ever before - i consider it a talent of mine, not one of which i am proud, but a talent nevertheless. i am making a joke of one thing in particular, when it really is bothering me a lot, and i could really kick myself sometimes.

but hey, at least work is good

there must be something in the exeter water...maybe i should move down there! i dont know...are they putting love in the water....?
well congratulations mark and monica, i am sure that you are exceptionally happy and i wish you all the luck and love in the world.

me wise...yup you guessed it still very much single...hey...whats new

long time, no blog

here we go...weekend went far too quickly, and i was more tired after the weekend then before...if people have facebook and have seen my photos then they will understand why. but dave and andy thankyou for lending us your house to kindof destroy....i had a lot of fun...but your sofa isnt the most comfortable to fall asleep on!

on monday i was a victim of crime - i had my mp3 taken - great!

tuesday i had a church forum meeting - i am really hoping to get a 18-25 thing going, and its looking positive with a trip to taize...another meeting about that on sunday! alexy was on the radio today discussing our research which was a lot of fun

wednesday - met up with jonathan and ellie after work...only had two glasses of wine, but i felt quite tipsy...was a good day at work for some reasons, that some know about. 'nuff said

today - i learnt nigel's way of doing graphs...my introduction to excel with nigel - it was good, we had a laugh, and yeah, i liked it. this evening alexy said that i could have a lazy day at work tomorrow as i have worked so hard in the last two weeks! need to sleep.

also found these that i think that i will end on:

"fear is a useful tool for self-protection"

"Exasperatingly, we're all pretty much restricted to learning what people are like with the permanent confound of our own presence, which is why those chance glimpses of someone you love just walking down the street can seem so precious"

its been a busy busy busy week at work this week! Have been minuting in meetings, helping to write press releases, sorting out our publications, doing some research....and also going on my first training day (bad time to have a 24hour stomach bug, but timely breaks helped). So, i am now very well introduced into project management thanks to the national school of government. if you go to www.lsrc.org.uk/publications then you will see our two new publications that went out today - wohoo! and also on the lsc website our links and mini summaries that alexy and i were finishing off at 5:30 should be there! wohoo!

had my nearly two month review today - alexy is exceptionally happy with my work ability and the work that I have produced, and likes the working attitude that i have, so it was pretty positive. on tuesday i met the research administrator/assistant before me, and she was lovely, so i have met me predecessor and my pre-predecessor...all good. ash, alexy and i had a weird conversation about what women women fancy, and what men men fancy....i love my work.

this weekend should be fun..shopping tomorrows, then after church i am going to jons, and then to andys for his not a housewarming party. on sunday there is a penitential service in the afternoon which i am going to...and this week there are some parish forums, and a meeting about taize next weekend which fr bryan has already told me he wants to see me there...would have gone anyways...would give an arm and a leg to go to taize.

me wise - its a bit up and down. my parents are telling me that i am not eating enough, although i am eating until i am full...havnt done as much running this week as i would have liked, so i hope i havnt put any weight on. will do a longer run tomorrow and sunday. am going to have to train a bit harder as work are determined to get me to do a 10k, and half marathon, which i am up for doing, but need to train as nigel and ash are quite good runners. but mood wise is still very unpredictable, i still have many issues that need to be sorted, so its going to take a long time. who knows....

anyways, relaxing and trashy tv watching to do

please please please can you donate to comic relief....i was eating my tea and felt so uncomfortable for not donating, i had to stop phone and donate. i am tearful when watching it as i just remember my own little children i looked after and cuddled in lesotho. Such a small amount can save a life - it really can....so please

well...

first and foremost, i want to give my upmost congratulations to ella and james - absolutely fantastic news....a little preece - how exciting! and ella, with gas and air, smiling throughout! amazing!

feeling kindof broody - first things first...a boyfriend!


and now...well yesterday i had a headache, twas bad indeed... it started at work, and continued and continued... i fell on the sofa as soon as i got in, and after tea it was even worse...lame little me i went to bed at 9:15! a brilliant nights sleep (something that i have not had in a long time), and when my alarm went off at 6 this morning, i was well up for my run...and so run i did! work was good today...various projects going, and then i get another paper to read...and start to proof read. its all very exciting...

and finally...am planning my trip to madrid to see my brother soon...maybe even the weekend of my birthday.

well, my babcia is back in hospital, she went in on thursday. it appears that she has had some kind of chest or lung infection, and was in an absolutely dreadful way. i went to see her today - she looked better. i tried to make her laugh, but that was a bit sore for her. it was good to see her though, i really hate it when she is very poorly...i really hate it. i have been feeling a bit eeeked by it

i was so tired at work on friday - it didnt help that i was staring at a lot of spss output, and trying to work out what is going on with what seems like very random data..but hey. i didnt get much done, so i even brought it home to look at over the weekend. i havent done that yet, but there is always tomorrow. i am enjoying it though. i still feel very intimidated by the absolute cleverness of some of the people in my office, but that is always the way it will be, as there are always going to be cleverer people out there than me.

and finally....me wise. well, it is still all very up and down i am afraid. i have a lot on my mind at the moment...there is a lot going on in some ways, and not so much in other ways. i know that i am holding back from a lot of things, and there are many other things that i am not admitting to myself though. it seems strange that a lot of people that i know are moving on in leaps and bounds in their lives...ben getting married and james and ella becoming parents some time this week (hopefully), and i just feel like i am standing still, and in some ways even moving backwards. i hate that feeling.

comic relief is showing films of africa and projects that are going on. i sit and think of baby jozefa ( i say baby, but he will be about 6 years old now), and just how wonderful, and beautiful that he is, and it makes me so teary. maybe one day i will get a job where i can be sent out to africa and help HIV affected children. maybe

hmmm
thats just how i am feeling at the moment....its not that i am feeling terribly down, but i am not feeling terribly happy either...you know, i think the doctors the other day entered a space i dont like. i also got an email today from somebody that has made me a little worried about a few things, and them, but i am sure that it will all be ok...i just sent a little message back as i didnt know what i could say in reply.

workwise....the memory paper that i started has changed somewhat as tania and i want to make it less dry and more involved in policy implications...so i have to so a new literatur search...i am currently doing a literature search for marisol about rational decision making and justiciable events, and i am yet to start some consumer journals for work that nigel wants me to do...at least its all very interested...but i am also very excited about court observation work that i will also be doing for vicky - its all very varied but good.

taize last night was just absolutely brilliant - something so simple is just do effective and emotional and - oh just fabulous....i loved it...it made my mum and i quite teary. i was at the front so i could see fr bryan lead me into my cantor line...and this was after in the mass i had already given my two minutes worth of views....go me! i am going to big myself up one minute, when people came over to me, and then to my mum to say that i should sing more solo, and that i had a lovely voice...it did make me smile inside a wee bit... love to sing. really hope taize does happen in the summer - am very excited.

its quite sad that i am happy about this, but i have completed my first month of employment - wohoo...and i have enjoyed it.
this week has been a bit hectic, what with babcia being in hospital, going to a vision meeting about my church parish and being made a group leader at the last moment, meeting an old research assistant from the lsrc with ash, and then tonight going out with some people from work and jonathan.

i had a doctors this week - it was a bit strange. we had a chat about my depression, and what could be done to help me with it. but then conversation changed to some other things that have been bothering me for a long long time and this was termed as an obsessional neurosis...a phrase that i dont like, and has been bothering me a little bit...

this weekend i have got a taize service where my priest has asked me to cantor a bit during venne sanctus spiritus...its an ecumenical petts wood parish taize service, but what is exciting is that i may have the chance to go to taize this year. also on sunday i have been given a little slot to talk about what happened on tuesday night and to get people to come to the next meeting...who says the youth of today dont get involved....

just a quick update as i am off out in a few mins after i have had my soup for my tea...

babcia had had her op - she is now in the high dependency ward at the hospital...very weak obviously. i havnt seen her as you can only go in there for 8 mins at a time...

work is good, went to a seminar at the DCA yesterday - i thought it wasnt very good - ash agreed. when work is fun...work gets done...oh yeah

hey people

for those of you who read my blog, and really do believe in the power of prayer, please can you pray for my nan - her quadruple by-pass is planned for monday - it was that urgent. obviously i am very scared and worried as everyone knows just how much my nan means to me. unfortunately this is making me very snappy and not very nice to be around...

so prayers for my nan most wanted, and i thank you all for your help

xxx

this is my 500th post...but not good news.
my gran has to have an emergency quadruple by-pass - not good. she has been put on the emergency waiting list...we have to wait a few days before we find out the date.
we are all quite anxious
its not nice

but, am doing a taize night at my church..i went to the choir re-hearsal, was the only one under 40! but it was good...love taize and for once didnt cry
x

well hello
something that i have not done for a while i see. january wasnt a good month for me (lots of job-rejections, a lot of zosia hating from myself, a lot of crying, the doctor saying that i was very stressed and very concerned), but february is looking up a bit. I have been working for two weeks now, and settling in ok... have done lots of proof reading fo articles that are to be published by my department, and am hopefully going to be helping to write one about memory (first and second year cognitive psychology needed, and a lot of help with the stats from tania and nigel), and all in all am enjoying it...have time to see my old friends in cds and meet up with jonathan sometimes soon, and my about me is now on the website (www.lsrc.org.uk).

well wednesday...yep it was valentines day...a day that was described to me by somebody the day before on the phone as "social graveyard day", and then went on to say to me "i was counting on you not be going out with anyone!"....well i was very sorry to be letting them down....because indeed i was meeting up with someone...an ex! yep...i met up with dan...it was supposed to be for a quick drink...but it ended up as a five hour chat...dont know what we talked about for so long, but i was doing a lot of laughing, and being shot down for my attempt at a scottish accent...i tried my hardest...but before people tell me that i am being dangerous and silly...nothing happened, just a hug and a kiss on the cheek at the station when we departed...it was a good end to a lovely and enjoyable night! for having had less then 6 hours of sleep that night, you can bet that match sticks were needed at work the next day to keep my eyes open

obviously, i still have loads to go...that goes without saying. i am not stable at the moment - i have so many ups and downs (more downs then up), i had to beg my doctor not to up my dose of ad-s, and on my bed side table my nasty habit apparatus lies. i still get paranoid about lots of things, and i still feel insecure about a lot of things...having not run so much this week i thought i would have out on weight...but i hadnt...i had lost a bit more...so i am getting closer to my target weight, but still dont like the way i look...so hey...lots to work on, but i am trying.

one last little thing..my babcia goes into hospital on monday for an angiogram...prayers for her would be amazing as we are all a bit worried as to what the results of this will be.

take care everyone
xxx

well, week one has been completed. it has been good - they have been quite slow in giving me stuff, as they a keen on having me settle in well. I have been reading old reports that have been published by the department, and project evaluations that I will be working on the next stage on, and yesterday Tania who works in the centre with me asked me to help he co-author a project on memory decay and how this can have an effect on the law. So we shall see. On monday I am going to be alone in the office for some of the day...we are a team on 8...two people are on annual leave, my manager is working from home, one of the senior staff works part-time in Brighton for four days of the week....Tan will probably come in some time during the day - she is cool, and so we might have a chat about the paper we are working on. Yesterday I went back down to CDS to have a nice long chat with some of my old friends from CDS and was laughing a lot...I dont really want to be seen as disruptive! In this next week I should be getting my swipe card - i do have one at the moment, but it doesnt work - luckily Tony the security guard knows me by now to let me in! I have been told by Alexy my line manager I am to order myself a To Do list book, and as I said to Claire, everyone knows that to do lists have to be colour coded, so i am going to get coloured pens too! we were the colouring in twosome in CDS! I have written my about me for the LSRC website, and so hopefully that will be put up soon! hehehehe! Ash is away this week - he has been my font of all knowledge this week...he is away this week - lets see how i cope.

topics of conversation in the office this week: smear tests, venus fly traps, the brain, bob dylan, films, indo-european languages, cbe's, mbe's, obe's, sesame snaps, fitness, phil collins, yoghurts and snowfall

this is how random my office is - i think i will fit in quite well.

so...all in all, am back at the LSC, be it their independent research centre, and its nice. am back with my old friends, meeting a lot of new people and old friends.

first day at work today....did nothing! seriously - read my handover notes, looked at the website (both lsc and lsrc) but already knew them...read the lsrc leaflet (very much like the website), half read the book they have just published....and then they remembered i did some psychology...so read some of the psych journals that they had written...chatted, laughed, joked...even at one point found myself saying out loud "can i do anything to help anyone"...and when i left, finding that my induction wasnt till tomorrow afternoon i said that i will be willing to do all that i could tomorrow morning to help people..i feel that may be needed, as i saw my old boss on the way out and he said he was going to be sending up a lot of work for us! great...doubt that i will be involved in a lot of it..but hey!
team seem very nice - its very small, and they are hardly ever all in which will be quiet, but means that i can pop to see old friends!
not much else to say...back to early nights and early mornings as i like to do my running before work...oh an i wore my sexy new boots today, but they were not as sexy as they could have been as they were very much hidden by my trousers...but they were very comfy
xx

well, its february already - cant believe january has gone so quickly - its does scare me when time flies by like this...i start work tomorrow, am quite scared cos its a new department, but they cant be too harsh on me on my first day...well i hope anyways...we shall see. i will be close to my old department anyways so always have them to comfort me....

todays sermon at church really struck me today, as well as singing one of my most favouritist hymns ever, i nearly shed a tear, but managed to control myself - phew! but it was a real good sermon...i do like the new priest..he is doing a good job.

yesterday arvo i popped over chez jonathan for a chat, and help him do some errands, and we then went to the cinema to see this spannish film which if i was that young girl i would have been crapping my pants always...but the comedy moment, didnt come from the film, it came for the indivudual evidently very desperate for the loo, and fell quite dramatically up the stairs...keeping my laughter sustained was quite hard especially as the people sat next to me were wetting their pants. we then wondered around london which was really nice...up the mall to chez queenie, a bit of covent garden and leicester square, and then back to victoria for home....

so work starts now, will finally earn a bit of money, and i am looking at what to apply to next, as i need to get that sorted quite soon.

xxx

hello again

i feel a mini update is needed...

well, I have accepted my job at the legal services research centre, so that is something to be positive about, and i am also looking for what i can do afterwards as the nine months will go really quickly. have told my old friends in children and family and i cds, and they are all very excited which is really nice, and the good thing is I am in the same building as them all. i really missed them, especially those at cds as they really looked after me.... but i am a bit nervous about starting, but i am sure that it will be fine. I have spoken to a few people in my department now, and they sound friendly...i just hope that they are nice to me, and dont see me as the second choice person...we shall see.

ben - i have been listening to the cds that you made me last year - and they are really good - so i thank you greatly for them...they are now on my music machine so that i can listen to music on the way to work. talking about music..i got the first scissor sisters album for a pound today, and the jose gonzalez album for a pound too - the wonders of charity shops...

having a few thoughts buzzing around my head at the moment...but i am getting there
xxx

well, everything has taken an interesting twist in the last few days...it all started on thursday - i had been pretty miserable during the day...when you have no heating and its literally freezing outside then you find yourself very cold, even when wearing a stupid number of jumpers. the engineer couldnt fix the boiler, someone more senior has to come in...my mum and i then went to my nans so that we could be warm...we got back quite late...it was coming up to 7 when i got a call from an unknown number on my mobile...it turned out it was the people who rejected me from a job last week now offerin me the job if i wanted it. i didnt except straight away i had so mnay thoughts going around my head.

i emailed steve and claire from my old department to see what they thought, and i had a conversation with jon (thanks, i really needed that and to have something sensible said), and my parents. the result is, on monday i will formally accept the job. its a 9 month contract job at the legal services research centre (same org as i temped at before, but the independent research section), and it assistant and admin.

i am going to take the job, but at the same time look for graduate schemes, as they start later in the year, and apply to them as i will then have something more long term to look for. so, that is the plan...formally accept on monday, as they want me to start asap...but grad schemes will be applied to also. so that is what is happening in the world of me. a few things helped me make this decision...claire helped, jon helped, i know the organisation pretty well, and already have friends there, i will be working a floor above my old department, so very close to the people who i really liked, i will see jon lots as he works just round the corner, i am going to earn more then i would just doing stupid temping and gain more experience, and its not going to tie me down forever and i can continue to look for other things...so there are quite a few positive things about the placement.

so its a bit more cheery, and a bit better news for me now. my mobile bill is going to be a bit big this month, but never mind...i have a secure placement for nine months in a place where i know, where hopefully my work will be varied, and i will make new friends, and get to see my old friends...am very excited at seeing claire again...and obv steve!!! (Hehehehehe). but yeah, i know its not permanent, but it can be a stepping stone to something permanent, or i can do a grad scheme after...so prayers that this will go ok will be very lovely, and prayers that i can get onto a grad scheme after will also be very lovely as that will be very handy.

now all we need is the heating to be fixed....

peter and davina went back home today. it was so good seeing my brother again - he is one family member that i can cry on, and he doesnt mind. i did that a few times these last few days, just because i am so fed up employment wise. he understands and sees how mucb it has upset me, and i am going to miss him again now, but its not so long to easter when he will next be coming home again.

i went to the doctors yesterday - she was really nice. i told her all my sleeping/eating troubles/stress/headaches/crying fits that i have been having recently. she just sat and listened until i had got it all out of my system - it was much needed. i am still on my meds, i didnt want my dose to be increased, it would just mean longer to come off them. i have been given a number to ring if it all gets too stressful again which is nice...

employment wise...well am still not employed, i am looking around at what is available, but it does get me really upset when i think about the jobs that i have missed out on. but am trying to remain cheerful about it.

mmm...it was fun on saturday with jonathan and others, i really had to run to get the last train home, and only just made it...peter and davina in a different location, had to get the dreaded night bus home!

thats all for now, my world aint half fun....it did snow this morning though which was nice, but not so nice when the boiler is broken and its very cold in the house
xxx

oh - i forgot to mention...happy 24th birthday jonathan - i hope that you have a lovely day...

and just as a huge cold spell grips us...our heating breaks - tis very cold chez us!

well, as some people know by know, the world of me in the last few days has not been very good at all. basically i have been in the last round of a few jobs, and i didnt get any of them. the one at the LSRC i was down to the last 2 and i was told on friday i didnt have it - i was devastated i really was...i emailed steve and claire in my old department straight away and they said that they really missed out not employing me. steve was especially gutted, and threatened me to keep in touch with him - like i was going to stop! but they were so lovely, saying the norm...like you are so lovely, stay confident we loved you, and miss you etc...bless them, they were gems to work with.

anyways, that was sad. because i am stressed i cant sleep, because i am not sleeping i am more stressed. because i am stressed i am feeling sick, because i am feeling sick i am not really eating, because i am not eating, i feel sick. what a nasty vicious circle i am in.

went to jons on saturday for his birthday, it was lovely seeing him again, and he cheers me up as always. met up with some notts people too.

peter and dav are back for a few days too - well its their last eve today, so we are having a meal for them. its been brilliant spending time with my brother...its been 9 months, so its juts about time!

anyways, have to look forward and not back!
xxx

all this waiting is becoming very stressful upon me...i have now lost over half a stone in weight - granted that is because i have also taken up running, but i run to de-stress. over christmas i had no appetite, and i dont really have a huge appetite anyways. good news is that i am now quite close to my target weight of the last few years...so there is always a bonus out of some situations. am weighting again at the moment - i am verging more on the negative side of things at the moment...but it was funny, when i knew the code for the floor level i had to do my personality test on, and the HR person didnt...well i have worked on that floor before...its not my fault they dont change the code.

well its been awful shitty weather so i have been trapped inside today..meant that my mini trampoline got an hours use, my book had many pages turned, and i got to watch old er on more 4! but i need to get out the house cos i feel quite claustrophobic.

for all the people who read my blog who do pray - some prayers for reduced stress would be great, and that employers actually see my potential and want to hire me cos i am good a wee bit clever and will do my best in any employment that i go to....

so all in all have been waiting and waiting and waiting, with some running, and personality testing in between
xx

so here we go:

POP
So the POP conference was good, i did enjoy it. The bonding and gelling session was very much like your average christian event, but the keynote speakers were excellent, and seeing other peoples presentations were very interesting, and just having the opportunity to meet some occupational psychology companies, and network was very important.

DOP
As i had paid for POP plus i went to the first day of the DOP, by this point i was very tired and was reaching sautuaration level of talks and presentations, but I went to the symposium regarding equality and diversity in the work place held be Pern Kandola which was very interesting indeed, and the level of presentation was amazing compared to the POP.

one of the funniest moments of my time in Bristol was when Jason tried to get us into a strip club, and later on finding out that Sarah talks in her sleep.

Yesterday

Now yesterday a few hours before i had a job interview i found out that i was rejected from another job....i cried uncontrollably for a while, but then had a flash of inspiration. the interview was at a company i have temped at so i emailed my old boss, told him that i was coming down his way...and he told me to see him so he could tell me what to say in my interview. steve was great - he could see i was upset, told me on many occasions that i was great and wonderful (not just professionally but also personality wise), and he gave me many hints as to what to say in the interview, as he has dealt with the person doing my interview, and as i was leaving he shouted that my personality would shine through...what a gem...a boss that i had for four weeks as a temp so keen to help me...never usually happens...thats why he was a great boss. The interview went actually went ok, i had a laugh with my interviewers, took part in some banter, and name dropped a bit, and put in some of the crucial info that steve told me...so we shall see. i did my written report...and then went back to cds to tell them how it all went.

jonathan came up to meet me, and we did a bit of a grays inn road pub crawl which was quite nice, he cheered me up as i just could have gone home and cried some more...got the last train home - we did leave it quite tight jonathan...

so we shall see what now happens. i know that i should not be that sad about job rejections, but the tears were just a culmination of many many many things and i was just so upset and yes to the persom who left the post...the company are giving me feedback this week, but to be honest the advice that steve gave me yesterday was the best thing that i could have got at that moment...and he filled me with confidence "Zofia you are wonderful, and we really miss you here", what a nice thing for an old boss to say....and i was just a temp.

hey everyone
will talk about pop some other time, just need some mega cheering up right now, cos this week i have found out that i have missed out on two jobs that i was going for - one which i was down at the final round too, and i am feeling really shit to put in bluntly and correctly...but i have to pull myself together as i have another interview in a few hours, so had better go and get ready.

my 1x2 m poster is now completed and currently occupying a lot of space in the lounge - tomorrow, it is coming with me to bristol so that i can put it up in the POP conference - i hope to take a photo of it up at the conference to put on the site!
hope this conference is worth it - its costing enough...am going to go smart as i will be networking, have copies of my CV and the journal paper to sell myself with! ah...what fun!
um....have had quite a slow weekend, been very much poster based, and thats it...waiting to hear from some people about some news which should be fun, and may be popping to see CDS sometime this week too, which should be fun, if i have time to do it...well if not will email them again - they are being very nice to me still - very unusual for a temp - but hey - i was special!
well, have made some directions from maps as to how to get to the backpackers from the bus station. i hope the people who i am sharing with on my first night are nice, and the second night it will just be sarah and i so that will be fine!

anyways, not much else to say

xxx

well, my poster is all laid out, but needs to be stuck down on the actual card now - so it will be done on time - hurrah!

over christmas i was talking to some people in my family about reality telly - now i was in love with strictly, while extended family were in love with the x-factor (many people will be shaking their heads). now i didnt watch the x-factor, but heard (well how can you not have) that leona won - and yes she does have a good voice, but i thought..hmm not to much emotion. i was then told my said family that if i could watch when she rang somewhere over the rainbow if you want to see emotion. with the wonder of youtube (which also has lots of strictly on it!) i found when she sang it yesterday, and boy i was in tears - i really was. obviously this wasnt just her singing it was lots of things, but wow - i was very shocked with myself! it really was superb. however, for someone who went to acting school and has been in recording studios, and already made a cd and has had plenty of experience its not actually THAT surprising that she won!

but the point of that was just to say that yesterday i was very emotional and so it was lucky that i was alone in the house for a lot of the day - cos after i sang to my hearts content which is what i do when i feel pooey!

anyways, better go and do something useful!

wohoo!
accomodation for the POP is now booked. Thanks to bristol backpackers, i am getting two nights in bristol for £32! one night in a shared dorm and another night in a private dorm that I share with sarah as she is driving up very early on tuesday...so what with funfare rates for coaches, travel and accomodation is only costing my £40 - bargain.

now all i need to do is make the bloody poster - i so did not realise just how big 1x2m in poster form is - the answer is huge! i have some printed sheets already, and tomorrow i buy the card to mount it all on, and play around with what i have! will be fun (she says in a semi-sarcastic way). its kindof a nervy thing - to think my peers will see this, and potential people who may want to hire me - its a big thing! oh well, i suppose its an extra thing to have on the cv!

well...thats all for now, not much else to say - weather is crap, but have done my running for the last two days, our windows have been fixed, our boiler has been fixed, so our house is a bit more healthy....and my presents for my two african sisters have been purchased and will be sent tomorrow - i wish i could see their little faces when they open them. i miss them so

am still waiting to hear a few things, its getting a wee bit frustrating now...but who knows what is going to happen.

am now trying to prepare my poster for the POP, i have booked my coach down to bristol and back, and now i am just waiting for sarah about accomodation, but if i have not heard by tom, then i am going to book the back-packers that i found which is pretty cheap...oh well.

anyways, just have my fingers crossed.

have had to wear certain clothes over the christmas and new year period for various reasons, but i got away with it - hurrah!

I feel really bad about what i wrote about my gran on my last post, but its true. yesterday it was the same, more tears...i know she is sad, and i know it must be terrible for her, but when i am going through such a low patch myself i cant handle it and it is driving me crazy. we are having her over for new years tonight, and i just really want to escape it, but i cant, and its making me mad. i love her to bits, but when i am so low, having someone else crying around you just doesnt make you feel any better - it just makes you become more introspective and find yourself hating yourself more...and that is why i just cannot cope, and why my christmas this year has been very subdued - good news is that i have lost a pound in weight though!.

so like every year, i do a look back and a look forward. this last year has been hard with masters, and dziadzio dying, peter moving to madrid and not seeing him for nearly nine months now and other events in my life, but it has also been great - my word I passed my msc, i have graduated, i have secured some amazing friendships with people, and have managed to smile a little...

but i do want 2007 to be better - i want my career now, not just to get me going, but it will also give me an income so i can finally leave home...i want to get rid of mt meds (going to be hard, but i want to do it), maybe find my man who will whisk me away - or at least i can share good times with, lose that last little bit of weight to get me back to my target weight, and make even more friends to share good times with....so not much then.

i just want to say thankyou to everyone for making this year what it was - to my fabulous nottingham (especially cloister friends) who made up such a big part of my life this year - you are all truly fabulous...to people in exeter who i know i have for my support, to my bros who care for me, and to anyone else that i have forgotton (including my fit boss).

i would like to wish everyone a happy new year, and may it be truly fabulous and full of joy and goodness for you!

take lots of care
xxxx

this is going to sound so not like me, but i am finding it so hard to be with my nan at the moment - it is so depressing. I know that it must be terrible for her especially at these special times, but i cant hear about how much he suffered anymore - i know that my grandad suffered tremendously, i know that and i feel for her terribly, but its so hard for me to try and get better myself when all i hear is that. i feel so bad for thinking like that - i feel really selfish for feeling like that, but its getting me more down then ever....i really need a break.

i have just had four brilliant songs play in a row - when you get those shivers down the back of your spine - you know its a good song - at the moment, listening to music is the only escape from a lot of things that i have. well i have been reading lots too - finihed sense and sensibility yesterday - good, but not as good as P&P obviously - that book will always excite me, and i always find birlliniant quotes in that book everytime i read it...i am reading a new book at the moment - i have only just started so i dont really want to pass judgement yet - but some segments have described me to a tea - in fact its quite scary...it has summed up my worst fear in the world which is ever so scary...

not much else - oh am planning my poster for the POP, am excited to have seen the brochure on the web with mu abstract in it! sad i know, but its there - my name and everything. might watch series three of peep show to cheer me up - hey jonathan, for christmas i got the mitchell and webb show before they did peep show! very excited to watch it!

Christmas has been pretty subdued this year...i always thought that it would be, babcia was a bit teary during both wigilia and at our house on christmas day...that was sad to see, and all she could say at the end of the day was that she was glad that christmas was over...so yeah, it wasnt the most jolly christmas in the Bajorek household. that has also shown in the amount that i have been eating - very little. on christmas day..yeah my veggie alternative was disappointing, but i could only manage one roast potato and a handful of veg, and hardly any christmas pudding...oh well. i suppose that when things arent so cheery then you dont eat so much.

i also really miss peter not being here, or even in the country as i get on really well with him, and i dont even have my brother to talk to.

New years will probably be much of the same as that is likely to be spent cheering up nan who would have celebrated her 56th wedding anniversary the day before...oh what a joyous way to bring in the new year...dont you all wish that you were with me! bet you do!

today i went to a different church then my usual parish in petts wood...i went to the polish service at the old peoples home in Chislehurst. This is because my babcia had asked for a mass to be dedicated to dziadzio who died in april, so my mum, aunt and myself went with her for support. I hate it when my mum cries - it always sets me off, a few blinks, and some hard swallows, and i kept the tears in. my nan was very composed, but there will be tears tonight at wigilia for sure, no doubt about that.

am sad that my brother peter is not going to be with us this christmas - he is having christmas in madrid with the in-laws...it will be strange with out him here..i miss him more then i let on. I am very close to him.

but, i am happy that mark and karen won strictly last night...i hope that a dvd of the series comes out.

and this time, i would like to wish everyone a merry christmas - this year it will be hard, noot just with dziadzio not being with us, and peter being in madrid, but because it has been quite a hard year for other reasons...and i sure miss so many people in mhy life right now...

take care all, and to any other polish people reading this - have a lovely Wigilia...stuff yourself with all the goodness that it brings.

have a merry and blessed christmas everyone
xxx

well, it has been a poorly, busy and stressful few days...but i have survived, and even did all my christmas shopping in four hours...now, i have gotton my parents something a bit drastic, shant reveal it for a while, will see if they like it first, and this afternoon, i have made some mince pies...

anyways, i think i will see if blogger will allow me to put any graduation photos up...and then some people may be able to see me with my dark hair! nope, i am not originally blonde - i promise you



this is me in my suit that we got for graduation - tis a nice suit...this is after the ceremony has been, as we were being rushed out of the building



this is in front of the trent building, and the lake, and at the major gates of the university - coolio



Well, if i was paying £50 for the hire of the gown, then i am going to make the most of it



and some of the girlies before the ceremony - they helped me throughout my year..it was sad that i graduated at different times to me and different days to my boys who really did help me, but i suppose its the memories that I have in my head that are the most important...

anyways, have to make my next batch of mince pies now

xxxx

i always thought that it was my adrenaline that was keeping me going for a while now, and it proved correct. as soon as my graduation was over yesterday, on the drive home my cold began to show itself in its true colours, and today i have done nothing but lie down, cough, and refil my hot water bottle as i have been so cold...but i have a lot to do before wednesday and so I am getting a bit concerned as to when i am going to get everything done, but when there is a will, there is a way, and there certainly is a will.

graduation was indeed very good. it was great seeing my friends again - not everyone was there, but a lot of the lovely girls were, all very congratulatory, all very lovely, and all very smart! graduation service itself was all very formal as they get, but what i did like about nottingham is that they take photos of you when shaking hands with the chancellor, so i smiled my way on stage, and we got that photo...

the buffet was good, and i was so so pleased like you would not believe that my babcia was able to come...that made my day like you would not believe.

but now i am poorly, and must shake it off before wednesday, and do some hard graft before then too

ok, its been a while since i have blogged, soryy, have had a few busy days

monday and tuesday - my last two days at SDG - thankfully! no more photocopying, on the last day the manager had only just caught a glimpse of my CV and said sorry to me that they had not used my skills at all! never mind.

then on tuesday night i met my brother and some friends and we went to see Mitchell and Webb live which was very good - i had much enjoyment!

yesterday - i got my newly coloured dark brown hair cut and styled all ready for graduation on friday - i will then be certified a little but clever! i then cokked an amazing vegetarian lasagna - it was so yummy i was very proud! and it was my mums birthday yesterday - so happy birthday mum - love you to bits, but you already know that!

today i have a wee bit of a busy morning...have an application to do, and packing to sort out!

got such a lovely message from Lineo from Lesotho - it nearlt made me blubber all over my breakfast - she is such an inspiration - i love her to bits.

yesterday i received some scary info about something that i have to do next week - my weekend will be packed now...but i am to forget about that until after graduation - i dont want anything to ruin that day

so long people, so long
xx

this weekend has been quite busy but good fun. i met jonathan after work on friday, and he came back to mine, we had tea, and chatted, and looked at train times for when we had to get into london and distances between places. on saturday jonathan went for his first house viewing, whilst my mum and i went to find a suit for me to graduate in on friday. I got a merit in my masters overall, a distinction in my actual research project, but a merit overall. that is more than i ever thought that i would get, so i cannot grumble at all. suit got, and an jacket that i had been wanting for a while, i dropped back home, made a sandwhich, and got into London to meet jonathan. we went to tuffnall park to see one possible flat, and then went to honor oak park (and not hollyoak park jonathan), and that is where the flat was that jonathan is now going to live in - and it is lovely. to celebrate, we made our way back to victoria, enjoyed a lush pint of strongbow - its funny how it does change slightly...and then enjoyed a lovely meal in ASK in Victoria, where i would flirt with the waitors and pizza makers...no joke! we then made our way back home so that jonathan could watch match of the day...and then i let my weary head rest.

this morning, jonathan stayed in whilst i went to church (couldnt get the atheist out of him), and then we chatted and watched telly till it was time for jonathan to get back home....it was a good weekend...very good!

i have coloured my hair...now a lot of people in my life who i consider to be very good friends, and a lot of my work colleagues, have never seen how dark my original hair colour is. Now my hair is now very dark...it was a bot of shock at first, but then i have been blonde for over two years, so i have to get used to dark hair again...!i think many people are going to get shocked with it....

anyways, two more days of work to get through, and on tuesday i get to see mitchell and webb live which should be wicked...i need a hair cut and then i graduate...and then who knows? i sure dont
x

it has just passed my bedtime, and i am not near bed...wont be getting up to run tomorrow morning! have just finished one of the longest application forms i have ever had to do...it will get there a week before end date..fingers crossed - it sounds like a good job.

good news - today i got a stool, other good news - jonathan is coming for the weekend! only three more days at work now - wohoo!

um, not much else to say really - going to do a quick tidy of ma chambre, although jon has alreadt witnessed the state of my room, so he is immune to it! must go to bed cos i am tired

xx

just a quick post as i am so tired its untrue - morning runs although helping me, also tire me out tragically...this morning i almost missed my station, and did one of those jump when you wake up moments - oh dear.

no stool was given to me today - manager wasnt very happy! never mind, only got 4 more days. Steve my old boss has said its fine for me to put his name on about four application forms that i have been doing - he is so cool, he was chuffed that i emailed to asj, and says he is going to hunt me out in the building - will be nice to have a catch up.

throat kills, and have had a wee little cough today, good litle msn chat with dear Katy, and now i am off to bed, as i am tired....

good night
xx

an exciting thing happened at work today - shock horror i know! i am getting a stool so i dont have to stand on my feet everyday for the 8 hours that i work! hurrah! a stool! i could have even had it today, but for health and safety reasons i could not carry it up the stairs, but health and safety dont care that i have very little standing room, and have been on my feet for a fortnight with no-where to sit - oh well!

anyways, jonathan - looking forward to you coming down this weekend...i will be outfit shopping for the day....wohoo! will leave the dying of hair till you have gone!

hmm, am really addicted to chocolate money at the moment - it is so good! love it - so if you want to be my friend...you know the way to go!

its strange how in my old department i was really wanting to be extended, but for this one i am counting down the days i have left - yep - only 5 now...next week mitchell and webb live, and graduation - fabo!

today i have felt a bit poorly...it feels like a thousand people have gone down my throat with forks...ouch. work was the same old same old..only 6 days left wohoo! a few more applications to fill - its tiring work.

well done jonathan - congratualations - you deserve it, a little help from inside too - but well done! will be good to have you in London and closer so that I can have somewhere to escape to when i am going crazy with parents and still jobless cos nobody wants me!

and finally, I have been having such vivid dreams recently - really vivid - some have been mirroring what has actually taken place in my day, but others have been metaphorical - a few have driven me to tears, so its all up and down....

anyways, jonathan is on the phone

xxx

as most people know, i visit my gran every sunday - she lives close by, and i always see her then to tell her what i have been up to in the week, and to see that she is ok. today was like no other. i went over to Jonathans jealousy to watch a Polish soap opera that we always watch together, and we then started to have a little talk about christmas, and where we going to have midnight mass, as we love midnight mass, its what makes my christmas eve after wigilia. anyways, it all got very tearful, and i held my nan as she was in tears talking about dziadzio and how much she missed him, and how its going to be so sad this christmas, and how she doesnt think that she is going to cope through it. it was so sad to hear and see, and its so true. i dont know how i am going to do it, as i am still very sad about it, and it is something that i havnt really got over too. my grandad being ill has been such a major part of my life, and the fact that he has no gone is very sad, and with everything else that has happened this year, i havnt thought or prayed about him as much as i should, and for that i feel bad. it has been a tough year for me in mnay ways, with my mind, my work, my job hunting, my relastionships with people, my future paths - everything is all so up in the air, and this has taken me away from the simple act of grieving for my grandad which i still have to properly do. so all in all i have had a bit of a tearful evening, as i hate seeing my nan cry, and it really hurts me to know that she is in so much pain and i cant do anything about it. i wish that i could take away some of it for her...although i have all my own troubles that are stopping from sleeping all night, i wish i could just take away a bit of it, and help her as she has helped all of our family throughout her life.

i am a bit blue and teary - sorry

well, last night, i made a huge sacrifice! i didnt watch strictly come dancing (and that usually does make my whole saturday night), and instead i went out to Leicester Square to meet up with Sir teacher Glasbey! it was a nice night - although I think the next time we meet up we have to choose somewhere slightly less busy as it was like a needle in a haystack....and i was so happy when he said to me "you look a lot slimmer than the last time a i saw you...not to say you were fat last time, but have you lost weight?", he has a lot of scottish tact! well in fact i have lost 2.5 kilos - so i know that my early morning running is working, and i am now going to continue with it!

we got out tickets for the Bond movie, and then went to have some drinks and a long chat about lots of stuff which was just really cool and chilled, and then we went to watch the film - definately a Bond movie for the women (daniel craig looks lush in some scenes), and there are plenty of comedy lines...dan managed to guess who the good and bad people were - i didnt understand how he did, but apparently it was easy! on the way out, i tolf him the story of when jon and tom managed to convince me that 007 was actually 006 - he laughed a lot. we both had to run quite fast, i he had to get the last tube home, and i had to get back via two tube lines to get the last train home - i only just made it...but a very pleasant night was had and hopefully we will be doing it again soon.

it was a much needed night out with pleasant company who always manages to give me a smile and a compliment.

just means i will have to watch the catch up show of strictly tonight! oh well, it was worth it.

not happy about the work i have to do this week, but i only have 7 days left as i am going to graduate soon, so that will be that, and the week leading up to christmas is going to be hectic and scary for other reasons