so i thought i would give the new priest a few masses before i blogged about him. as i have saud a few times, our parish was in need of a new priest, and the one that we have may have made some controversy as he was previously married and the converted. but he is really good. he really engages you with what he says.

todays readings were about love...a word which he correctly says is used far to often in our language, that in some ways it may have lost its meaning - its true. i think it has. i am one of those people, i really am...i love this, i love that, i love this person, i love that person. we should be like the ancient greeks who have four different types of love, and then maybe this word will not get thrown around so often, and regains its meaning.

yes, that is a little rant, as i think that it is true that the word gets used too much, and i completely agreed with the priest - who is damn good, and is alreadt bringing in little changes and trying to get to know us.

am starting to write my talk about lesotho that i am giving next week, i have updated my cv with my masters mark, and have asked for some application for some jobs. am disappointed that my temping placement fnishes tomorrow, but it has been good experience for qualitative data analysis, and hopefully i may have something a bit more permanent, so i dont have this i have no job insecurity.

lastly, i have been down the second half of this week, little things are bothering me and niggling me, and some big things are as well. have been talking to some about it, and thanks for the help that you have given me. it has been mucho appreciated.

today my boss sent me home from work an hour earlier then i would normally go (at five not six) because i was literally beginning to fall asleep at my desk. i have been trying to work out why there are so many errors and balnks on the spreadsheet, and changing one thing had huge impacts on other spreadsheets - grrr..my boss agreed with me that this was harder then he first thought.

basically what i am doing is some qualitative analysis on a report by Lord Carter wanting to change the way that legal aid is given in this country. lots of people respnded, and now the LSC are doing the analysis (well i am doing thr crime analysis), that is being fed back to the DCA, to be then re-drafted, and published on the 28th of Novemeber and argued in Parliament by Lord Falconer i think! so i am doing something very different from usual temp work, but it is very challenging, but i am learning a lot about legal aid etc so very interesting. on monday my boss said that he wanted me to read the draft response to see if there was anything that needed adding, or if it could be worded better. monday might be my last day... i hope to work there a little longer as although every friday i am so exhausted (getting uo at six to run in the morning might not be helping), i do enjoy it there, i have a laugh with people in the office, have seen all my old work mates, and have earnt some much needed money.

i had to put war paint on this morning - i hardly ever wear make up but the rings under my eyes were just awful - it was as if i had been punched in the eye!

anyways, time to relax tonight...am going to hunt around on the net for some dance classes too, as i would like to improve on my salsa that i learnt at variuos parties in notts!

have a nice evening everyone
xx

TIRED!

Today at work i made a not so happy spreadsheet look happy again, by finding out why there were many errors, and filling in all the incompletes! only another 5 to do! and these ones are harder - but i am officially a star, although my boss laughed at the heading of one of my sheets "errors, but not really errors"...he suggested something more sensible "these responses are to be labelled as crime", i guess that is why he is the boss and i am just the temp - but it gets us laughing!

not much else really - oh yeah there is, my agency realised they got my tax band wrong and so this weeks pay cheque also included my rebate, so that made me happy...

work has been extended till monday, but i hope it goes on for longer, i like working there, the people are ace!

xxx

as predicted my mood had come down with a big bang - it started yesterday evening, and i have been mardy today too - although the lady next to me at work today made me laugh till i nearly wet myself.
the other temps are a bit funny with me sometimes as i talk to other people in the office, and when the boss wants something done, he will ask me to do it - thats not my fault. i have been extended for an extra day there too.
but yeah, i was talking to someone, and i found out they had just got married, and they asked me how long i had been going out with my boyfriend (quite presumptuous)and i said i was as single as can be (well i might as well be honest) and she looked shocked basically! well what can i do? i dunno give up?

anyways, dead dogo i am sorry for stressing out on you, i promise that i shall stop doing it from now on...i really will - but you have this amazing calming influence! good jobo!

and i heard from my tutor, a lovely message in fact, about me and how she saw me develop throughout last year - so yay to me!

will try and be more happy again soon. got a hectic few days at work to get through first - but i wore my new jumper and trousers today, and for the first time this morning, i said - zosh you look good - i was a bit happy.

xxxx

i am now wifi! a wohoo!

after a joyous and sometimes champagne filled weekend, work today was good - really good! my boss was away all afternoon, so it was my job to bring him back to speed with things! for some reason i have been finding criminal responses not logged or put on the spreadsheet as crime, but printing them anyway - steve (my boss) stated that i had extra special super powers! but the problem file is getting bigger, with me out of the temps only realsing that such problems are occurring (its not hard, error comes up on the spreadsheet!). anyways to cut a long story short he is extremely happy with my work, trusts what i am doing completely and is going to give me all the problems to sort out, with my aforementioned extra special super powers!

am in quite an excitable mood even though i am very tired...but a wohoo - i want this good mood to continue - its been a long time coming, and i just hope it will continue, but usually when this happens it ends with a bang!

take care all of you
xxx

lets just say, that today i am very very happy, and it has been a brilliant way to start the weekend....

i am chuffed, and well now i know that i can take on battles and suceed! a wohoo! my bro in spain got a loud phone call (well he was out so Dav did), and andy (other bro) got a loud message to listen to when he got off the plane! and my nan, well hers was the loudest of all!

and today i got a new watch!

xxx

the end of my working week - i am very tired, but i am enjoying my work, its interesting and i really get on with my boss, and he is really appreciating the work that i do, as i find some mistakes which are quite important, and he makes me check the work of the other temps...basically he knows that i am quite good at qualitative analysis, and wants me to help him do that.

i found out why i had been taxed so much - i have been put on the emergency tax rate...i have to ring my agency to tell them to re-imburse me...i need the money!

um, not much else going on - am tired but ok. yeah - i am feeling ok today. i had a laugh at work and yeah...next week i am working to a tight deadline though, so may have to work a bit later.

and i went late night shopping last night, got some jeans, some work trousers, two work jumpers, two work tops, three casual tops and a two hairbands for £30! i met my mum and nan after work, and my nan knows where the clearance rail is in M&S, and even before i had got there, they had got me a top and a skirt, so it was fun!

will pay my work cheques in tomorrow...

and to all the nottingham boys - am missing you all!
xxx

work was goooood today

i get on really well with my new boss, and he trusts me with new stuff, and knows that i work well, so he gives me his stuff to do - i dont mind cos we have a laugh and a joke about it! was called one in a million today by him as well - as i found a way to speed up the other temps up as they are slow...a way that he hadnt thought off... and he wants me to help him with extra analysis as he saw my cv and that i have done analysis before...so all is well. am going to be helping out with the other temps, and probably more joking with the other members of staff. the other temps still dont talk - i talk lots! oh and he came over to ask me whether the heating was a good temperature for me, if it wasnt then he would turn it up! i like my new department, pity i only have a week to go

running was good this morning - got really sweaty!

tax man took so much of my money this week - am really not very happy.

oh well - dress down day tomorrow, but that makes choosing what to wear hard

note to self:

must charge mini-disc player at night so i have music for the train - i was lost without this morning.

worked like a bitch at work today, analysed 120 report responses, and helped out another temp - go me. after yesterdays fuss my supervisor asked me if i was warm enough in the office today! oh dear. but i was joking around with him - i wish the other temps would talk sometime too - it makes me look a bit too chatty, but i think that its nice to at least say hello to the people that you are working next to!

am still very tired...need a bit more energy.

i do have to say, that i think that i suit smart clothes...i always try my damndest to look good for work, and i scrub up pretty well. i love my new trousers and skirts that i got for work, and yeah, i love getting dressed up for work - and its fun!

um, not much else to say, lifes a bit dull and down, but trying to put a positive spin on things!

and well done jonathan on your job...good news! oh, and i saw a really nice light that we can have in our flat! and i went into curry's digital in my lunch half hour and looked at tellys! oh i am sad
xxx

knackered - very knackered.

am the only temp that talks i realised today - making jokes with the supervisor, inputting in group discussions, and i must be the only temp that staff use to train other temps - oh the state of the commission. but a fuss was made around me, as i was so cold that my finger nails actually went blue! that was fun! so i was moved to a place where i wasnt next to a double window with air conditioning on me, and they put the heating in the office on! they then went to sit where i was sitting - and described it as sitting outside - i concurred.

um, apart from that, just hellishly tired, and working hard, and trying this continual lets try and be positive stance that is proving difficult. but i am trying. work ends in about a week, but once again i have tarted up my cv in the hope of getting a job. am going to be giving a talk to people aboti africa soon, word on the grape vine is that they are recruiting, so am going to give them pre-viewing of my cv...

anyways, bed, or i will never get up for work tomorrow
xxx

am feeling so tired today still - even though i am exhausted sleeping is a problem...oh well. work this week is really daunting. i have just been speaking to my brother about it, and he has been really good. but i bet that it will be really stressful.

church today was really good. i had a good time to think on the walk down, and just some things that were said in the sermon struck a chord - my priest talked about prayer life, and letting faith grow, and one needs the other, and that is so true as i have been finding out recently. i did get soaked walking back home though...but i got some "shock absorbing" plasters that will hopefully sort my heals out as they are in such a state from wearing my new shoes (damn them).

um, so yeah. yesterdays post...may have been an out of the blue for some, for others may be not. am sorry. maybe it was too open and honest - but i have always let my blog be open and honest. for most people they can read it without seeing me, so they dont have to see my face when i say such things, and many peopl - i dont know, maybe they dont know me, or maybe they are having similar feelings, but are just as scared - well its just to know that other people feel the same way. but really, honesty has always been this blogs way, and honest it will continue to be.

and lastly...i am quite excited, as my bro and i are trying to book tickets to see the live mitchell and webb show at brixton academy in december. he is just going to gte back to me to see which day is best for him, but this is something that would be totally ace to see, so i hope he decides soon, so it can be finalised.

take care everyone, and i hope its not tipping it down with rain where you are...the weather isnt really inspiring at all.

a bit of a thoughtful post coming up - not a very happy one, so if you are in a happy mood and want to stay that way - i wouldnt read this just right now.

yesterday i was well and truly knackered after a somewhat stressful day at work, and even though i have been asked to work there two more weeks, i feel those weeks are going to be very stressful, as the work that i and two other temps will be doing is very hard, and based a lot on criminal law.

but anyway, last night i read an article in a newspaper magazine that really hit home. It was called "the scissor sisters", and no it wasnt about that band - it was about self-harm. it was talking about how more women are now doing this, and starting at alarming ages...basically, the age when i started doing this to myself, about a year ago now. although i havnt done it for about 3 months now, i would agree with the girl in the article who answered to the question "are you still a self harmer?" - "well, i do still find myself really wanting to do it"

in all honesty this is true. i can tell you straight away where the particular instrument i use to do it is, without a doubt, i know. why do i do it - as with many people i dont know. i know that when i do do it i am incredibly angry, whether its because if what somebody has said to me, or because i have done something that i didnt like, or because i have found another thing that i dont like about myself, but because i am so angry it doesnt hurt. that is the one thing that i have control over, how far, how deep and how many cuts i do. but it does hurt the next day, it does make me feel pathetic and you do then think to yourself why. i just agreed and really empathised with everything the girl in the article said, and i did really hit home, and has been on my mind all night, and all this morning.

you maybe wondering to yourself why i am suddenly talking about this. well over the past few weeks as i have said before i have been doing a lot of thinking, and thinking especially about my last year of my life, what i have done and how, or maybe more appropriately if i have progressed at all. this was one thing that i started doing at uni, and to me that doesnt show progression, it still shows a lot of hurt. but then i think about the wonderful people that always kept me going when i was having a rough day, and because of that i can smile.

i am now working so hard to remain positive about everything, but it really is sapping up a lot of my energy, and that is why i am feeling low today...it is very labourious trying to say to yourself everyday that things are really looking up, and you will get to where you want to be, and just trying to be happy, when deep inside you feel like you have been kicked in the belly. but i am going to continue to try and smile and be happy - well i have to i guess. it is hard, its very hard but i do have to do it. i am finding that my music really helps - i have to have music with me, i am finding that some songs are just speaking new things to me that i have never thought of before, and that is the wonder of music i suppose. i guess really, that i am at that point where i have so many directions to chose, that i am lost, and this sense of being lost just doesnt help.

i am thankful that i do have people that i can rely on to text when i am down - yeah granted jonathan - you have been getting them - moany i know, but cheers. and where was your tubo ticket in the end?

will go on a run later, that really helps, and may go to my local town just to have some time out

three things to say before i cook my tea

1: i have really sore feet

2: i hate the tax man

3: i can listen to rob thomas' sexy voice all day, and will never fail to stop being moved by some of the matchbox 20 songs - mad season is just an amazing album.

hello dear blog readers.

am very tired...today i didnt run in the morning, i ran when i got back from work as i was so tired yesterday i thought the extra half hour of sleep would be good...but really i felt like i should have had my run...i am going to do it again in the morning. my little trampoline is great for this as it is so dark at 6 in the morning, that it would be horrid to go outside....but it really made me feel a lot better in the morning, so although i am knackered, will be back doing it tomorrow.

well my agency thinks that i have work for another two weeks after this one at the LSC, my mate at the LSC is not too sure - we shall see what happens...its good to see all my old friends again...i have a laugh with caroline, and when in the family kitchen today - i saw my postcard that i sent them from Lesotho! um, another temp that started is a lad from my church which is cool, but all the other tenps are doing the envelope stuffing that i was doing, while i have been given more of an analysis of the data role which is much better...i reckon its because caroline knows that i am a reliable worker and she can trust me - hurrah!

not much else going on...i really think that omega 3 is having a good effect on me as i have been feeling good recently, a lot more energy, and more awake...and what is really good is that i have found on one of my mini-discs 2 albums i have not listened to for ages, and so they are making the travel too and from work really really good...yay!

not much else to say, although i am going to bed now as six o'clock wake up awaits me!

today, i got up at 6 oclock so that I could get my run in before work - and it is such a good way of waking yourself up in the morning - will be doing it again tomorrow. today at work i had an interview for the hr job i told you all about - only that i found out in the interview that it wasnt really hr, but pa, something i certainly DONT want to do, so i didnt really sell myself in the interview, in fact i threw them bringing in psychological terms, and i was very honest when they asked me what i thought of the job (basically i said not a lot, but in nicer terms). if i do get the job i will say no, and if my consultant at the agency rings me up to ask him how it went, i will say that its not for me. it wont give me any extra hr experience at all, so bullocks to that! what makes me think that i havnt got the job was when they said at the end, that i am obviously very pationate about occ pscyh (that is true), and i should really persue that! but funnily enough that is also what the head of birdseye said, and he also said that I was obviously a very competent and intelligent young lady, that I can stand my ground, and came across very well!

i had been feeling a lot better yesterday - it may be a combination of my running, earning a wee little bit, and i gave been taking omega three..and of course meeting some old friends of mine. but like i said the other day i have been thinking a lot about my life, and although i am so scared about so many things, i think that at the mo, i can be ok...

and finally - my nan who always speaks the truth went against my mum and said i was not fat! hurrah!

the last few days have been a change on my usual day of do nothing. on thursdauy i has just had a run, and was writing an application form, when i get a call from my agency: "Zofia, get into London now" so i threw on some work clothes, and got the details as to where i was working, when i was on the train into town...luckily, it was the LSC again, different department, same organisation, same pay! so that was thursday, and i worked there yesterday as well, and will be working there this week. but what is more exciting is that i had a phone call from the same agency, saying that a position had arisen in the HR department at the LSC too, and they had sent my CV to them, and so I may be working there for 2-3 months...and that department has more pay, but all that is not finalised yet!

on thursday night, i met the head of birdseye frozen meals ( a friend of my dads, who had looked over my Cv), and he gave me an interview practice session in a wine bar! it was bizarre, but he picked up on what a lot of people say about me - eye contact! the good thing about that is the net-working opportunity that it gave...as he was very impressed about my first, as he has very rarely seen firsts in psychology, and on leaving he told me to keep that in mind.

yesterday at work, i went up to see my old department and chat with them which was really good as i got to see my old work mates. my boss fernando wasnt it, so i will go up and see him on monday, as it will be soo cool to see him again as he was so much fun. the girl i work next to is really nice, and i have been chatting with her a bit too, as she works for the same agency as me.

yesterday evening was also really cool. i met up with a friend of mine in town who i havnt seen for ages and it was just such a pleasant evening. just lots of catching up and laughing which was just awesome. three hours just flew by as we both had stuff to say and yeah, it was just a really really good night out. best thing was - although admitting he was stingy - he offered to get the third round without wanting me to pay half - amazing! we came up with some new slogans for london, and i was trying to perfect my scottish accent, whilst trying to aid his London accent - but the scottishness kept on creeping in. the best thing about it was that conversation was just so comfortable, both talking about stuff that was on our minds, maybe bothering us and we both listen to what we have to say which is something that i really admire and like. its not often that i feel very comfortable in peoples environments so quickly...so yeah i had a really good night, and whatever people may say about him, i dont care...he is a friend of mine and for that i am grateful.

so all in all the last two days have been looking up. this morning i have been at my nans fillig up her skip with crap from her garden and loft - a much needed job! and i have just had a chat with jonathan which is always good, as he can always put a smile on my face and understands just where i am coming from - when other people may quite not! (even though he is conjuring up an evil plan to take my job away from me!)

i have had a lot of time to think this week about a lot of things, that are difficult to explain to myself as well as to others...just some realisations as to where my life is, where my life is going, and just a lot of issues about what, where, when and who might be with me. sometimes it has been quite hard and it is true what they say, the truth may hurt...but in other ways, some decisions have been very easy to make. although i am not in a relationship right now, i am becoming more ok with that, as i can meet up with mates (male and female) and just have a good time, just chat and be cool. although it would be nice to be in one, its ok that i am not (for now anyways). people can see me for me that i want to portray, and it means that i dont judge others (which sounds bad but i dont look at them thinking about potential), i can just be comfortable in myself. so there, i have been using my head more than people think that i do! go me!

today was re-registering at the doctors...it was something that needed to be done, but also this morning something that had to be done. my eye was watering like mad this morning...non-stop running...i couldnt see anything in it, nor could my mum, so down to the doctors we went. i had to see the nurse to re-register - she couldn't see anything either, but she did all the checks...and she found that my blood pressure was a bit low...so when i eventually got to see the doctor, i have an inflamed lining of my eye...cuased by an infection - hurrah! and all my other problems - ie trouble sleeping, continuous headaches, my low blood pressure, dizziness, and even to some extent my weight gain, is to do with the S word...brilliant! but she was a lovely doctor, and talked me through some stuff. (by the way thats stress, not any other s words that probably have entered peoples minds at the moment).

am now writing many cover letters and cold calling companies to get work/ experience/something. this will be a long process, but we shall see.

hope things are ok elsewhere...
xxx

yesterday, unfortunately, many tears came from my eyes. the stress and fed-upness just got to me, as well as my mum letting out an unfortunate sentence that hits a touchy spot with me.

I, as many young girls/women worry about my weight, and was getting slightly worried when clothes that used to fit me, appear to be not fitting me any more. so when out shopping with my mum, and having to go for a size bigger then i used to, she said that i was fat. that upset me so much. later on, she was trying to say that i had just got broader hips etc but that still didnt take away the fact that she saif it to me. but thank you for those who i have already gone upset to telling me that i look fine, that means a lot to me

that on top of going round agencies looking for jobs and they not even looking at my CV before telling me that they have nothing suitable for me, and me just getting so fed up, and feeling away from a lot of uni people just made me feel so upset, that i spent the evening in tears...zosh was an unhappy bunny (not a naughty bunny this time Han).

so my mum tried to calm me down, telling me that i had child-bearing hips, and a bigger frame, and that I had grown ( i have actually grown, i am an inch and a half taller from when i was last measured), and she said that all these things have an effect on how you look...still yesterday was just a bit of an i feel sorry for myself night.

today, i tried more agencies, today, one agency (the same i was with before) took my details, and then i got some smart clothes and a pair of shoes for when the jobs do start rusing in! I have also contacted somebody at the Division of Occupational Psychology asking them how you get experience in firms so that you can start the path to becoming chartered...maybe they will help. oh and i have asked for an application form for the department of work and pensions....but that has to be done straight away as it is in for friday.

so...i am going to try and pull info out of any other connections i can think of that maybe able to help, but yeah, i am not that happy at the moment, but we shall see.

on a different note altogether i am maybe meeting with scottish teacher dan on friday, that will be a bot strange as i havnt seen him for an age - and i got a pair of practically new red leather boots from a charity shop for £4.50 (well done British heart foundation)

i am in a not so nice way really looking forward for our new priest to come to our parish. it is so sad when you just look around a church and see people looking bored and uninterested in a service. our parish certainly needs a kick up the proverbial arse.

i would really like to see some more youth events happen...having gone to two Cathsocs and bein surrounded by young catholics, usually quite eager to partake in a service, but also prayer groups etc, to come home and to having nothing like that available does anger me greatly. and that is something i really miss about uni.

um apart from that, went to my nans today which was nice, and we watched our favourite soap together (its a Polish one!), and my bro went back to his flat - it was good to see him again.

going round temping agencies again now - this time to sign up and not trying to gain participants for study! but hearing some of what was said about them...i really dont want to go through all that again...bloody just a temp - i am worth so much more now. grrr.

now, i am quite an emotional young lady when it comes to films and sometimes telly, but it takes a lot to get me a bit teary for books (apart from Le Petit Prince, it gets me every time). So yesterday, when i was reading the book that Ben got me for Christmas (What Mr Darcy does next), which usually reads like jane austen porn, I was shocked when i had tears rolling down my cheeks due to what had just occurred in the book, and the amazingly brilliant way that Darcy dealt with it - well done Darcy. so that was my bloggable event.

not much else is going on. andrew has graced us with his presence tonight, it is nice seeing my brother...i may go to his flat this week sometime, as a bit of an escape from home, that is still to be decided upon.

other than that have a few niggles on my mind, nothing that a good chat with one of my girly friends wont sort out, and have decided, well always knew that i am on a bit of a weight loss exercise at the moment...my new piece of equipment is amazing (I have got myself a mini trampoline), and i use that everyday, as well as walking and i am being very careful with what i eat...and most importantly, i am not drinking as much either - well hardly anything in fact...so all those things put together will be a big help.

hmm, will be tea soon, so had better go.

take care one and all

xxxx

today has been a day away from the usual tedium of using the net to search for jobs - i was actually proactive and went to a careers fair in Earls Court with Jonathan - but to be honest we neednt have bothered - it was crap - although we did get free mints and a Guardian newspaper....

so after escaping the fair we went to sloane square to visit all the posh shops, and i got a prada bag (and if you dont believe me i will blog it tomorrow, or you can ask jonathan, who has seen it with his own eyes!), and then we went into Gucci - oh yeah we were call. Burberry was next (i was wearing their perfume today too), followed by a trip into Harrods, and even their good hall didnt have pistaccio ice-cream - what is wrong with this country.

By this time i had wet feet - i wasnt even wearing flip flops today, although my shoes may not have been the most appropriate, so the stop at Starbucks was most welcomed, and a lovely hot chocolate sustained my chocolate cravings...

next was the national portrait gallery and a look at nelsons rather large column, and then back to paddington so that i could wave jonathan off as he went back to frome! we were both disappointed by the fact that even thoguh we had ventured into all the posh shop area of London we still did not spot any famous people...gutting infact! i then met up with my dad after half an hour on the circle line to blackfriars, a quick drink, and then home...

riding the tubo was indeed fun, and seeing and chatting to jonathan was great as it always is. pity no-body wants to employ us, we are damn employable i tell you! i laughed a lot today, even though my feet were soaking, and when i got in, they looked like they do when you have been in the bath for too long! i wonder if jon got dead dog for dinner?

well will probably be making a trip frome ways soon, especially after jonathans mother has msnd me - that was funny!
good telly on tonight - extras followed by the mitchell and webb show - cant get much better - now jonathan - i hope you will be watching too!

xx

I hope that jonathan doesnt come dressed to London like this tomorrow, otherwise he will be searched by the anti-terrorist police again, and that just wont do when he is with me!

careers fair should be good...hope jonathan remembers his registration form - will see you in Paddington! now have to go and decide what train i am going to catch...will be one after nine thirty as then i will have a cheeper fare!

just been teaching my mum msn so that she can chat to my bro in madrid too - it was so funny to see her type and laugh when bantering with him! i think she really did enjoy it though

xxx

well orpington has been in the news recently, but for no good reason...it appears that one of the weekends four stabbings happened here - brilliant! lets just hope that the girl who is in a serious condition continues to improve.

am back on the old job hunt, and its not going very successfully. will start goung round the temping scene again, but will have to specify HR as this then at least will have some help for the future. but really i am a bit stumped with what i actually want to do. maybe the careers fair tomorrow will help me.

not much else to add, apart from a congratualations to James and Ella if i havnt already said that on my blog!

I would just like to take this chance to thank everyone in Gordon Road for their complete lovliness that they showed me these last few days. I always have so much fun when I go to Exeter, and all my worries that I have are always left behind as you are all so great and welcoming.

Thank you for...silly drinking on thursday, towning, cream teas, and arena on friday, magic and gospel and chatting on saturday, chaplaincy, shopping and belmont on sunday, walking to the bus station this morning! thank you so much for a fun weekend...love you all.

xxx

when talking to Jonathan on the phone yesterday, i realised a mistake! as Dave had already left cloister before the last day, he was not photographed, and therefor I could not put a photo of him from that day up....but Dave was also a member of the cloister gang...



This is Dave and I on my birthday in the Johnsons, or as Dave started calling it "the Johno's!" Dave was a constant reminder to us of Wallace due to his lovely smile as displayed. His tribute to the blue power ranger kept us constantly amused, but we all aspire to be like Dave, he was the official race doctor for the tour of britain dont you know! Dave was a great supplier of taste the difference apple and rhubarb crumbles and custard...and even though he is a doctor, he always astounded us when he got the medical questions of the pub quiz....wrong!

anyways, am off to exeter in a few hours...am just about to finish packing my shampoo etc and once i have straightened my hair my hair straighteners...i presume han has a hairdryer!

hope all is well

xx

the success of my job hunting so far is waking up and checking my emails to get messages similar to that as i got today:

"you do not have much experience I do not think you would be suitable for this role."

well hopefully, after next thursday when jonathan and i go to the guardian event we will have networked enough for people to see what fab hardworking people we truly are!

oh man...am just going to have to snap out of this down spell soonish. i just get so fed up at home, and not being able to find a job is getting to me, and i just feel in no mans land a bit. My brother rang me from spain and told me to get used to the feeling as that is what it is going to be like for a while (not in a horrid way, he was being sympathetic with it). will be temping again soon, so at least i can get a wee bit of money in. i just feel stuck, and there are also other things bothering me, but thats enough for now, must snap out of it completely. have to be in a good mood for exeter....am really looking forward to that no-end

the beauty of blogs, well any kind of journal is that you can look back at what you thought at these points last year. well, this time last year, i was so scared about starting nottingham, i was scared that i would not make any friends, and that i would not cope with the course. a year on, and i am done....and hopefully i have made some friends that will last for a very long time. it is strange how quickly this year has gone. this time last year i was in my room thinking, i dont like this, i havnt met any english people and i went to bed at a stupidly early time (i now know that the lads were in the pub, and jonathan knew that i was in the building as he had seen me come in, and he described me to everyone else as being 'quite fit'!). so thats it a year has gone.

went to babcias again today - we found some old videos of us when we weree children which was quite funny, they were taken 15 years ago, i was young and i had terrible teeth, and it was in a phase where my mum and my aunt attempted to dress my cousin and i in the same clothes but different colours...oh dear. on the way home i chatted to my mum, and even though this year has gone so fast, it hasnt even been six months since dziadzio died, and that does feel like ages ago. i suppose it is because he was so ill for so long. When getting myself a glass i found that my nan had been put on the same a-ds as i am on, but a lower dose. they have helped as she is not crying all the time, but my mum says my babcia doesnt want to stay on them. I can understand where she comes from, i didnt want to stay on them either, but they have helped me so much this last year..if i dont take my full dose in a day i can feel a difference, but now i hope that I can come off them slowly, I am sure that it will take some time, but i really do hope that this can happen.

anyways, enough of my ramblings now...

the readings at church challenged me a bit today. especially the part about prayer, and not getting what you want. so many times this year, i have heard myself and many many others say "God just isnt giving me what i am praying for, i obviosuly cant be praying hard enough". I am going to have to read the passage again, but it was quite challenging anyways.

i am going crazy at home...i dont know - i think that I have moved on more than my parents recognise, and i do just feel really claustrophobic, and i am not very happy. but finding a job that i like is going to take time, and that also really sucks and upsets me a lot.

anyways, it was my nans birthday yesterday so i spent the afternoon with her which was really good, and my cousins and uncle and aunt also made an appearance - its nice to see my nan smile - she has had a hard few months. i know where i may get my covering up and masking of emotions from now though.

not much else going on...exeter shortly should be good fun.
xxx

i am sick of being at home already, seriously it is doing my head in. i just cant be here for much longer - its not doing any good for my health. i saw what i thought would be a really good job, an occupational psychology assistant - so I emailed the guy, and told him what I have already got and done - it turns out that i am too qualified, as they would have wanted to teach me some of the stuff that I have already done, and then when looking at the professional developments they wanted me to do, i already had them...so most places i dont have enough experience, but this one, i have too bloody much.

as ben has already blurted out to everyone that i am going down to exeter - yes, lukcy exeter will see me once again next thursday, so it is a surprise no longer...never mind...will be good to see everyone again, and go to a chaplaincy mass...

and now for some photos...but i dont know how well this is going to work:



This is me mike and jonathan, on the last night in cloister. jonathan has been great to me all year, how many times i have whined to him about so much zosia shit is untrue, and he just sat through it...he may have got pissed off once or twice..."Zosia, you just have to say it...how hard can it be?", but jonathan - thank you. we have very memorable trips to Sainsburys, have a love for thorntons ice cream, have tried many bottled ciders, and listen to a lot of shit and cheesey radio! jonathan, you are a star.

Mike was the new cloister recruit for the last one and a half months, and provided a fair bit of laughs...especially in one memorable for me (not for him) walk back home from town....as mike is the new recruit we didnt get to know him that well, but we did manage to taste his apple pie and carrot cake offerings - it was a brief but pleasant opportunity, but still, contact via many means is amazing these days



this is adrian...adrian is a very special man...he is lovely! he cooks well, he is polite, charming, and he already knows that I think that he is good looking! sometimes it can be hard to understand what adrian says, as he just uses vowels, but we got used to that. but never get a backy on a bike with him...it can lengthen a short trip home by several hours and an ambulance ride, and x-rays! but adrian is a dude...



This is gareth...now gareth and i dont see eye to eye on some things - that is putting it politely, but gareth has taught me a lot, and has made me have to stand up for myself. he also covered me in leaves, and for a while i was his personal hair stylist...he did have some excellent hair straighteners however which came in handy on many occasions. essentially gareth provided us with an irish accent and somebody to laugh at - especially when he pissed all over his computer...



Andy is in this photo - he left in the morning of last friday, and so was not there in the evening - oh dear...andy provided us with lots of laughs, and his love for football was overwhelming. he introduced me to some new music this year, and let me listen to a lot of his matchbox 20! andy plays the guitar very well indeed, and when salsa-ing has a tendency to knock over bbq's...but overall a great suppiler of chocolate biscuits, chocolate and haribo - thank you andy.



this is enrique...or known to me as anrikay! he is the lemon meringue supremo - it was truly delightful...the only bad thing about it was that i faliled to get a slice last thursday...evil enrique! enrique has amazingly put up with such poor pronunciation of his name all year, and often very excitable me times. i have a lot ot thank for enrique as he was able to understand many of my relationship dilemas and fears, and was a good person to chat to.

they are just some of the wonderful people that made my year in Nottingham bearable and really helped me through it. i have such admiration and love for each and everyone of them, as each in their own way made me laugh, cry and so happy through the year...guys you are all amaizing, and i miss you dearly, and we will have to have many reunions even though we are all supposed to be getting jobs!

and lastly:


this is everyone at the cloister party last friday - it was a good way to end off a good year. although i did spend a lot of time with the afore mentioned guys, the people in this photo lived in cloister and shared the cloister experience if annoying fire alarms at stupid times in the morning, and captain jack sparrow, parties, bbqs, stresses of exams, broadgate and just general cloister niceness...they also made my year.

miss it all, and the sooner i get out of home and a job the better.

hopefully by the end of tonight i will have better internet, or at least internet capabilities on my laptop which means i will have msn restored hurrah! have been doing some job hunting - found something today which looks quite good, and is in kent, so have asked for more information on that - my mum got quite excited too. have been using my new piece of exercise equipment - its quite a good bit fun! so hopefully the pounds will be falling off so ben doesnt look in disgust at me when i finally arrive....

um, not much else going on, am a bit down, but i think that may be because i am back home, and i dont have the banter of flat 2 to keep me going, or anything like that. i am missing the notts people - they were truly fabo! will put some photos of the last night up when the net is on my laptop - some truly funny ones are there...and lots of peoples heads!

take care

xxx

am already getting bored at home - and job hunting is hard as the net is crap...am not happy. heard from my supervisor today which was strange, will tell more if anything develops. will be going to exeter soon to see ben, am slightly worried about it knowing that i have a few people that hate me without even meeting me down there, and so that will be an experience, but one which at the moment i am quite scared about. got a new piece of fitness equipment today, that will be fun, and have also renewed my passport - but that is a bloody expensive thing to do.

am a bit sad to be back at home - there are very few people around anymore - my cousin and I are thinking about doing a Salsa class so that we can have some kind of fun activity to do.

anyways, not much else going on...have now unpacked all my clothes, my cuttlery and crockery, but still my huge piles of work have to be put somewhere!
xx

so the cloister days are over....

friday night was great - cleaning kitchens, and then salsa-ing! loves it - fell into bed about four, up at 7 to clean my kitchen and flat and finish packing...amazingly everything managed to fit into the car so wohoo! am home again now...like the sofa - but kindof wnat to move onto somewhere else and be with young company...having meen with people my age for the last 51 weeks, am going to miss that hugely.

oh - am having to use the shit internet at home and the computer doesnt agree with msn...grr...we are going to hopefully upgrade so that i can get wifi net on my baby laptop soon - hurrah! and then i will have msn again...so nottingham people use my yahoo email to contact me (its on facebook), or the text or phone! andy - you missed a good night on friday - i will forward you the photos when i can....

nottingham was great...i loved all the people that i met with a passion and you are truly fab...unpacking is going to be a mare - everyone who saw how packed the car was - well that is now blocking the entrance to my house...missing you all greatly

xxx

i think that i should also thank my lovely housemates too. we had a house meal last night, and it was all laughter, and now we are all so sad. you were great girls,and made flat 6 a lovely place for me to live...

so thank you tracy, cathy, ritah, agatha, biibi and gharima you are brilliant flat mates and i also love you sll so much

xxx

right, i hate goodbyes, so this is what I am going to do:

to adrian, gareth, jonathan, andy, dave, enrique, tom (now back in New Zealand) and the latest recruit Mike - thank you all for looking after me this year in Cloister, it has been an amazing time, and you are all wonderful fabulous people who have made me laugh till i nearly wet myself on many occassions.

i love you all dearly, and thorugh many means of communication must remain in contact

xxxxxx

sometimes i feel like i am banging my head against a brick wall. at least in my room when i am packing all my stuff up i can sing out really loud as that makes me happy.

sometimes i feel like i am banging my head against a brick wall. at least in my room when i am packing all my stuff up i can sing out really loud as that makes me happy.

two days of crap sleep...makes me a tired girl. went to the grove last night, and saw Kev which was good. we got back and watch some spaced which is ace - reminded me of Monks Road watching it with Amy and having a giggle and a laugh.

only a few days left now, am quite sad about it - have a few things that i want to do, but whether i have the opportunity to do that or not i do not know...

well, am going to go to one of my favourite places on campus and read my book...and maybe do more writing

so last night was an interesting affair. it turned out to be a bit of a bar crawl in Nottingham, and annoyingly nothing was having an effect on me, when everyone else was getting wasted. so much so kris and rhioni (dont know how to spell his name) went mid evening,the rest of us carrying on a lot longer (maybe for some not wisely) and i had a lets say "interesting" walk home, with Mike being the pissed egit he is thinking he knows best attempting to guide me the sober one home - we walked up and down the same road three times!. he doesnt remember the walk home - i certainly do...and he doesnt remember me putting him to bed either - putting water by his bed, the bin with a plastic bag next to him, and closing his curtains, turning off the light- oh dear.

i felt fine this morning, as i didnt even feel drunk last night - bet you when i next drink it will hit me straight out.

and well done to gareth, adrian and enrique who handed in today...
xx

this morning i have been trying to be a bit more pro-active about sorting out post-uni plans. i have been on a few job web-sites and found one or two possibilities (but i am being very picky), and have also been on the BPS website looking up all the occupational psychologists that would be in driving distance for me, and am emailing them to see if I can get some work experience with any of them...we shall see if that gets anything.

now i am going to look for flights so that I can go and visit my brother and have a mini break abroad which will be coolio...

not much else, am waiting for andy et al to finish up - should be soon, and then will be going for a wee little drink to celebrate their end of degree - this week will see a lot of drinking i fear...and i am dreading saying goodbye to people. it will be well and truly very sad

ok, so my day has been really good, bar one event. on the way to katy's a man drove up and stopped by me, and beckoned me over... i went as i thought he might be needing directions...instead he opened his door, and said "i know that i dont know you or anything, but do you want to get into my car, and i will drive you into town and take you for a drink". i said no abruptly, gave him a disgusted look, and ran into Katy's house. why do men do this to us...it was horrible. urgh. i was dressed nice as i was going to the theatre -(just a smart pair of jeans, a top, and a black 3/4 length black top over that), but urgh it was horrid.

seeing katy again was cool, we had a good chat, and grease was just bloody brilliant. the dancing was soo good, and the singing was amazing - absolutely amazing it really was. i give it high recommendations to go and see.

got back from the theatre - Mike was making an apple pie...the filling was yummy! and he even got custard - brilliant. captain jack came into flat 2, he freaks me out, and i have developed this habit of just zoning out when he talks to me - its not that good, so i made my escape. am going to a watch dvd i think, as i am not tired enough to go to sleep, but i can watch it in bed which is ace.

even though Jonathan came knocking on my door this morning, and i had a heavy night drinking - i am in such a good mood today - i hope that it lasts!

so yesterday i had my first proper celebration of giving in the masters as mike had finished him, so a quick pint in the johnsons, turned into two pints and three gin and tonics...then when we got back in, some wine and a mug of mainly gin with a wee bit of tonic! Jonathan kindly provided potato wedges when we got back in as (well i) had the munchies! i found out that Jonathan and mike are both very ticklish - can provide hours of entertainment now!

anyway, this morning i had my photo taken with darth vada and a stormtrouper - it was brilliant - i gave darth vada a huge hug - brilliant!

am going to see Katy in a few hours, followed by Grease the musical - i am very much looking forward to this indeed - how brilliant will it be????!!!!!

well, it is sunny too, cant beat today at the moment - laughs all the way!

This here is Gareth. a few weeks ago i dedicated a whole post to him as he complained that he wasnt mentioned enough - last night he complained again - you can never make some people happy can you? Anyway, this is a picture of Gareth - this should make him happy, but knowing Gareth it will probably make him annoyed - why put such a silly picture of me up??

Anyway, there is another reason why I am mentioning Gareth this morning - it is Gareths 22nd birthday - I know he looks 12, but really he is now 22. so happy birthday Gareth.

when you need a bit of comfort and cheer, what can be better then to pick up your book and read away merrily - so three cheers for Jane Austen and writing her brilliant Pride and Prejudice - a book that i know will always put a smile on my face when i read it, and gets me out of a terrible mood. thats a good book indeed.

i woke up with a bit of a strange dream going through my head...i was still tired and wanted to go back to sleep, but for fear of returning to that dream - i didnt - i got up, and i was glad that I did as it is very sunny today, so much so i dont have to wear a top with sleeves! i had a rant at the post office when sending jons post...the new prices have gone crazy! i collected my Grease ticket so I am all set for saturday now. i leant gareth my computer last night with the proviso that no type of defacation occurred on it! i dont want my computer dying a death also.

am feeling a wee bit ill now, but have just hoovered my room, and put on my washing, so i feel like i have had a productive day

may watch a film this afternoon - watched 21 grams yesterday - what a thought provoking film - sure had me thinking all afternoon about things - doesnt chage much...

anyways better go have to put my softener in my washing machine

for people who know me really well i dont get angry very often, but at the moment i am so fucked off its untrue. if people who dont even know me want to make up lies about me, then thats fine, they can use their sick and twisted heads to do so, but if at the same time, they want to try and tell me that they are a Christian..then really i dont fucking believe them. if they were Christian "love one another as I have loved you" should be on their mind, not lets see how much hurt and anguish we can cause somebody. some people are so calous and calculated it makes me feel sick - physically.

and to somebody else:

"who helped you the most?....someone who was there whenever needed, who listened more than talked, who didnt keep glancing down at a watch, who hugged, and touched a cried. in short, someone who was available" (Where is God when it hurts?)

If i could have done anymore then i would have, but if that means shit to you, then i just dont know anymore - i really dont. i have done my best and tried, and i dont know what else to do or say - i am literally lost for words through anger

its nice to wake up in the morning and to have the sun shining into your bedroom - sure put a smile on my face this morning. am quite looking forward to church this morning, have been doing some quite good prayer recently...well i do need clarity on many issues at the moment, and the prayer is giving me the comfort that I need. Last night having seen adrian and mike make awful dinners for themselves as they are still doing dissertations, i rashly agreed to cook for flat 2 (which will include jonathan as well) tonight, which means a trip to sainsburys, but i dont mind, they have each looked after me this year in their own little ways, now its time to do something back, and also when i couldnt sleep last night i planned what i was going to cook for them....

anyways, better straighten my hair before i leave for church...

well, the last few days have been quite relaxed in not doing any work terms, but my head has still been whirring with thouhgts, anxieties, and things. today i booked myself a ticket to see Grease next week in Nottingham at the theatre, i am going on my own so i can have some good Zosia time and just enjoy a film that i love without having to worry that the other people i am with are not enjoying it...so i am looking forward to that next week - and it was very cheap with a student card, so that was fab too!

um, not much else to say, am job hunting now which is a long hard task, am really wanting to be a research assistant but i am not finding places. um, the others all still have their dissertations to finish, so i would like prayers for them, so that they can do that well, and then we can all have some fun! wohoo!

have been getting some help some friends on some matters this week which has been very helpful and insightful also.

take care my petals
xxx

i am writng this, it is currently 3:35 am...i have had an amazing night. it was rebeccas birthday, But i think it is spelt Rebeka because she is mexican...it was brilliant. the thing about cloister house it that we come from so many different countries, i mean tonight we had mexican, spannish, english, irish, venezualan, dutch, german, indian, ghanian, ugandan, french (i think), and greek people, and it was brilliant,...i mean thanks to cesar my salsa has come on in leaps and bounds this year - he is an amazing dancer it is unreal...and it was funny when blowing out the candles on the birthday cake set the fire alarm off, and then broadgate had to come back again to tell us to turn the music down. johan was gutted as we couldnt do the moulin rouge routine - another time - eleni my downstairs neugbour is a grover, and it was altogether a brilliant night, and the best thing is, i can stay in bed for as long as i want tomorrow, and it doesnt matter. brilliant! I think a good night was had by all! i certainly enjoyed shaking my bootie on the dancefloor of flat 5! eh la!

at 9:45 this morning, i handed in my dissertation - that was it - a culmination of a years work, and my masters was over in that one movement of giving in the two spiral bound versions of my work...180 creduts done and dusted.

i treated myself to a thorntons ice-cream - it was gorgeous, and some underwear - thats pretty nice too!

other than that i am taking ben's advice of just having me time for a fort-night - i am not taking his advice on continual drinking

just to say, project is printed, bound and the cds are bunrt ready to give in bright and early tomorrow morning. when printing it out i was shaking - this now means no changes can be made, and i cant do anything now!

relief...now all i have to do is wait for the results....

xxx

today i did my slides for a presentation i dont have to give, but had to sum up my project with, executive summary is complete, and so is my project management report..and so i think is my project. the scary thing is, i still have four days to go! whats going on? i am stressing about being done early.

well in fact i am stressing about other things, but pouring that out into my work. one thing on my mind i cant talk about, but i just ask for prayers for some one who really needs them right now.

the other thing is just me and my usual lame low confidence self in getting off my butt and actually doing something that could make me happy...hence the quote about fear the other day.

anyways....speak soon

xxx

its always the little changes that you want to make in your project that always take so long...and i am now going through it with a fine comb, checking referencing, quotes, spellings and making sure temping or temp hasnt slipped in anywhere - that would be annoying! but am nearly done...just a few other bits that arent graded but just pass/fail to do...executive summary has taken me two days and am still not happy with it, but you never really are with these things.

Other news - since mike has joined cloister there has been more physic/science talk, and less critical theory, but i still dont get some of it...there is never any oss psy talk? then i would be a font of knowledge! never mind...am learning a lot - yesterday it was the stars and galaxies and gravatational pulls and satelites - what a riveting friday night we have here in nottingham!

take care one and all
xxx

good news is that I have just heard from my supervisor...only a few changes to be made to my project, with generally good comments...a few grammatical points that I dont see, and nor did my parents which is a bit confusing - will send it to jon maybe!! then things like page numbers and ketwords which is somethings that I knew i had to do anyways. and i am presenting at a conference in january, my abstract was formally accepted which is good news...so looking up now

if anyone knows their bible, they will know that quote comes from ecclesiasticus and not wisdom - i apologise.
its late, i am tired and upset.

wow, three posts in one day, how can you tell that i am bored? i hope my supervisor gets back to me tomorrow...well today i did loads of reading, finished the Life of Pi

Although I didnt like the official end to the book - the interview transcripts was a lame way to end, his farewell with Richard Parker seems to be mirroring something with me at the moment. Throughout the year I have had ups and downs, as has just about everyone, but I have always had someone that I contacted on about a daily basis, not just God, but a close friend. but as near the end suggests : "i wept as a child...I was weeping because Richard Parker had left me so unceremoniously" later it goes on to say "it's important in life to conclude things properly. Only then can you let go. Otherwise you are left with words you should have said but never did, and your heart is heavy with remorse".

at the moment a goodbye has been forced upon me. for me with no clear conclusion, leaving me indeed weeping like a child.

but i just want to remind my Richard Parker one thing from another great book that I read:

"a loyal friend is a powerful defence: whoever finds one has indeed found a treasure. a loyal friend is something beyond price, there is no measuring his worth"
(wisdom: 6:15-16)

i hope that is clear.

well as my tutor has not got back to me about my project (either a very good, or a very bad sign), i have been doing lots of reading, and have found another brilliant quote from the Life of Pi:

"Faith in God is an openning up, a letting go, a deep trust, a free act of love..."

having spent the last few months burried underneath interview transcripts and psyhcology journals i have found a book that I started to read, and am now reading to finish...but I have just read a few sentences that sums up what i think amazingly...

so thanks to Yann Martel and the Life of Pi:

"I must say a word about fear. It is life's only true opponent...It has no decency, respects no law convention, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unerring ease. It begins in your mind, always"

I fear a lot. This is a brilliant description of how I often feel.

today has been quite a strange day, from some quite malicious emails, leading to tears down a phone, and having to ask questions of people that i knew were not true anyways...am sorry that i did that - you're a very special person

it took me seven hours to edit my project today - but now it is in a form that i can send to my tutor to proof read, and i only have to do a few little bits and bobs now, which is good. still all i want to do is sleep, which is what i am going to do now...although i have one thing bothering me a lot at the moment, do i do an eye for an eye, or do i offer the other cheek to be slapped? thats my conundrum.

nice way to start a sunday morning, with a fire alarm...it started just as i was coming out of the shower, i was not going to go out in a towel - i managed to survive the horrid noise enough to clothe myself and go downstairs - obviously thete was no fire, someone just carbonating their breakfast it appears....i am now wide awake and in about 1o minutes will be heading off to campus for church. not much is happening this way, its work and sleep - i am so looking forward to the day when i can just lay in bed for as long as i want without feeling guilty that my project isnt being done...that isnt long now - hurrah!

got a bit stuck on my discussion yesterday - read lots of discussions from other journals to give me some ideas, it has worked! yay! will see what i can do today, and hopefully send it to my supervisor. am looking forward to writing my warts and all management report with all the problems that I have had with my project, the fact that the method changed, the number of participants chnaged, the area the participants were from kindof changed, and most importantly my research questions chnaged (the supposed beauty of qualitative research!), so there is a bit to write up.

um, really not much else has been happening - most people are heads down to get their projects/dissertations done. really need to shop - my fridge shlef has on it a yoghurt, half a block of cheese and some celery! will shop with jonathnan when he returns today!

take care my pumpkins
xxxx

yesterdays work day in terms of my project went absolutely crap - i had a complete mind block, so instead i changed all the mistakes in my transcripts - something that needed to be done, but didnt need much thought in it. but today all that changed! i wrote and finished my results section, so have discussion and abstract left to do, and then my supervisor (as i found out today can then read a draft of my project) can have a read through it! then i will have about a week to make chnages, write my executive summary, and my management report which shouldnt be too bad - bound and given in - masters done. prayers please - have been stressing and been a bit panicky - this is a big thing, and i want to do the best that i can, so prayers for strength and motivation will be fab please

jonathan comes back on sunday - that will be good - have missed him a bit - even all the banter that i usually get from him! but that should be nice. oh and we at cloister have a new addition to our gang - his name is mike, and he has joined flat 2...he seems to be fitting in well, already taking the piss out of me, so he has slotted in fine really.

not much else going on - really just going to get typing on my discussion tomorrow - have just over 1,000 words to do it in! oh how you love the word count!

take care my pickles
xxx

once again, it seems that I have not blogged for a while - my apologies, i have been quite busy for one reason or another. the last weeken saw the wedding of Rachel and Oli - the service was absolutely lovely, the worship, the prayers and the Bible passages were all very special, and obviously meant so much to the happy couple, and I wish them all the best for the future, they deserve all the happiness in the world, and I am sure that God wiill guide them in the right direction - they both have very strong faith, and so that will guide them in any decisions to be made....the only bad thing about the wedding was the no single men at the reception - my beautiful dress went to waste!



The other thing that has been taking up my time is obviously my dissertation. this is going ok actually, i am getting there and so I am doing better then i ever thought that i would be doing at this time. I do sometimes get that feeling of panic, but hey ho, that will never stop in me, so what can i do?

we had a full flat for one night on tuesday..Bibii came back from Ghana, and Cathy came up from london for the day, and so we had a flat meal which was just great - spending time with the girls was fun, and meant that i could talk about girl stuff like hair, and my latest crushes and feelings, that the men sometimes seem to shy away from...have been getting on a lot better with my housemates recently - i think that we all realise that we are going to miss each other so much when we leave - we have learnt to rely on each other this year, even if we dont realise it at the time...

men has been a good topic of conversation to get me close to some housemates in particular. they understand just how shy i am when telling certain men how i feel about them, and so can empathise with me about the struggles that I am currently having, but we try and laugh through it, so we shall see...

anyways, must get back to the dissertation now

xxx

the write up for my project has begun, and i have three weeks before the nasty things is given in, and then my masters is over, and i will have just over two weeks in nottingham left for enjoyment and job hunting before my year in nottingham will come to a sad end, and we will all be going our seperate ways - am already beginning to feel very sad about this.

keep on emailing my supervisor with questions about my write up and how things should be as i dont want this to bring my mark down, so we shall see how it goes. but am waiting to see another member of staff regarding my results as i have never done qualititative analysis before, and i have found quite an exciting result which is more a development of some kind of theory then just say content or thematic analysis, and so she doesnt know how exactly i should write how my results were analysed and thus how they should be written up, so this part is still up in the air.

have a wedding to go to this weekend. Rachel from my course is the bride, and she is getting married to Ollie on saturday. can we just pray that this is a good day for them, and that they can grow in the love of God together. They are a young christian couple, and so prayers for them would be great. I have got to get a pashmina and a bag to go with my dress, and i had my haircut yesterday for the first time in over a year so that it looks nice for the weekend, even if andy, mike and enrique didnt notice that i had over an inch off the length, and my sweeping fringe put back in....men!

other than that, have been having some quite vivid dreams recently which have been quite funny and making me laugh, but have been sleeping a lot better which is very good.

take care

this blog post os just for one person who was complaining last night about not being mentioned enough....so here it goes:

Gareth, Gareth, Gareth, Gareth, Gareth, Gareth, Gareth, Gareth, Gareth, Gareth Gareth, Gareth, Gareth, Gareth, Gareth, Gareth, Gareth, Gareth, Gareth, Gareth....





.......is a ...?

xfour weeks exactly today, and my project gets handed in...that time is going to go sos quickly as well, but its coming on ok. today i wrote a summary of my project as i may be presenting at the POP (post-graduate occupational psychology) conference in january, and that was really helpful as it meant that i had a chance to read through notes that i hadnt read through in a while and it also meant that i could get some idea of the direction that my project is going in as well. but it has been sent off to two tutors to check for me now so fingers crossed. anyways, apart from that not much is happening, am battling on, am trying to be over happy to make up for my downess which is freaking a few people out here...may have to bring it down a bit now! oh well. what can you do. johnsons beer festival going on at the mo, the ticket i got last night means that i can ask for three more pints and dont have to pay any money - always good news. thanks to adrian and gareth last night who allowed me to test all the ales that they got - still not an ale liker i am afraid - will stick to the cider!

anyways, speak more soon

xxxx

my tearfulness just has to stop - one minute fine, the next minute i am not...oh dear, its all not good, but i will battle on regardless and be fine hopefully - no i will be fine - before ben starts worrying when he doesnt have to. its just been a hardish month where i have found out stuff and its not what i had prayed for, so i am angry with me and with God which is never the way to be...prayer has been hard, but i have just continued with it, as i know that it does help in the end, and God will be around me when others go.

but work is going on ok, am cutting and pastign my interviews into themes which is quite fun, but i can see it getting frustrating towards the end of it. but finished up my stupid consultancy things now which is good news.

have actually slept a bit better in the last few nights, which is good, but i have been having quite horrid vivid dreams, and they are really vivid, the one last night made me cry - i dont know why, i woke up in tears - wasnt very good.

although i have a few worries at the moment, some new, some old, most are due to my stupidity, it is quite surprising that i have been able to sleep - really it is. am feeling that a do need to escape for a bit again, but i cant...oh well, we shall see how it goes at the weekend, as we have the cloister bbq tomorrow, and that may be fun

ok, last night, i was boiling! really boiling. my body was being silly though - i had to go into the loo not once but twice in the night! now i was really thirsty still - now i thought the body was clever...it should have made sure that i wasnt thirsty, and not having to get up and pee twice! oh it did rather disrupt my otherwise ok sleep!

analysisng qual data is a long task, but it will start involving cutting and pasting and coloured pens which i am really looking forward too, but i will probably go mad with it later. my supervisor was very helpful, and i will be sure to discuss all my ideas with her before they go on paper....

its stupidly hot - i dont like it..its not fair that i have to do stupid work as well...that makes it even hotter of that makes any sense. you would not believe how long it takes to read through interview transcripts and analyse them - and i have to do this loads and loads of times. am seeing ninna my supervisor tomorrow so she can help me

i hope that i am sweating off excess weight in this heat! got a dress for my friends wedding...from the lads i got a few "i would" responses, and a wohohohoohohoho! so think all round its a thumbs up - its a strapless number, kind of turquoise, blue, green and cream, corsetted so it very nice, and had a ribbong across the middle - shoes are going to be the same as the ones i got for james and ellas wedding as they match, and need to get a pashmina and bag!



um, praying for good stuff to happen for me, its not been going so well lately...some people know why. just pray really, as i need some good news for once.

time for bed - which meand just lying on top of it, the thought of going under a duvet just freaks me out in this weather!

i think that i have too much contact with ben (thats not a bad thing i would just like to add ben, i love hearing from you - you total dude), but today just proves it. i am reading the Life of Pi at the moment, and i come to the end of a chapter, and there is a really good quote. all of a sudden i remember that Ben had read the book, abd blogged about it, so i spent an age going through the archive of his blog, to find that he had already blogged the quote - great minds think a like!

um...had some really good me time on campus today, sitting in the bandstand by the lake so not to get wet in the rain...made a bit of a tit having a little tear in public, and the cutest little kid with his gran and mum looked at me strangely cos of it when they came to feed the ducks! oh well.

anyways, am so tired - sleep has been poor due to weather.


xxxx

its time to write about what happened when i was at home recently, as with these hot summer nights that we have been experiencing, when i cant get to sleep, or when i wake up, i have had time to think about a few things that happened.

in general, my time at home was quite good - you know, i got 9 interviews done, i spent the day with my babcia, i went shopping in bromley and on oxford street, and we had a family meal (well without peter who is now in madrid) - and so that was all great.

what really has made me think, was what happened on the first evening back. i was talking to my mum, and she was asking me about role models, after she had read an article in the paper. i said, as i always have done, how my babcia is the best role model that i could have, with everything that she has gone through, and dealt with in her life, and her amazing strength and faith really does inspire me, and males me think that i have been well a truly lucky in comparison. i look round, and my mum is in floods of tears, so i go and rush over to her. she starts to tell me that she feels really guilty that because she has spent so much time looking after babcia, that she has forgotton to spend time to think about her dad, and all the things that he did for her, and that she just isnt over his death at all because she has not thouhgt about him. she told me that she felt terrible about this. i just didnt know what to say, i hate seeing my mum cry, and there i was in floods of tears too, telling her to stop crying.

it turns out, that my mum is just really sad that nobody seems to talk about my dziadzio anymore, as all they talk about is how strong babcia is. i just want to say, that i have a few good and really strong memories of my grandad, but he had dementia from when i was seven, and so a lot of what i remember is him getting worse, and how that terrible illness took over him. but that doesnt mean that i dont have happy memories. i love my grandad to bits. his illness did completely baffle me, i found it heartbreaking and confusing, how he could be suffering so much, and how all of us knew that he would have been hated to be seen like that, yet he kept on battling on. i suppose, that shows his strength and his battle. but, i love my grandad to bits, and he was such a kind and gentle man, and even though he was in pain, he would still always give you a little smile, and that is how i have to remember him. sorry, i am getting all emotional, but this is what i spent three hours crying with my mum about last weekend.

She then went on to tell me, that she was really worried about me, cos she just wanted me to be really happy and fall in love with somebody. if only she knew that my biggest fear isnt of spiders on anything like that, but it is growing old alone - i am petrified of that more then you would ever believe. just the thought of not having a husband who loves me is just so painfullt scary. its even worse that is in the last year, i found two people that i really have liked more than anyone else in a long time, and the feelings that i have had for them have not been returned, and i just feel so stuck, and empty. its the worst feeling. it means that i have to start all over again, to build up the courage, and i just get so fed up that there is something so unloveable about me. i see and hear how badly some people treat each other, and it makes me angry, when if i had something like that then i would treat it as gold dust.

anyway, so my time at home was actually quite emotional. i hate seeing my mum cry, and the fact that we just spent three hours or even more in each others arms crying has been on my mind for a while. i love my mum more than anything in the world, and seeing her so down, and hearing all her worries just made me so sad. i wish that she could be happier, and i really pray for her. she is a brilliant mum to my two brothers and i, a great daughter to my babcia, and sister to my aunts, and wife to my dad. the time that we spent last saturday was very sad, but i a way also very special.

and that has been what has been on my mind for a while, something like that just doesnt go that quickly.

four interviews yesterday - well done me!
ben - i never got my drunk phone call - disappointed!
i took a leap into the great unknown yesterday - well done me!

am off home for a few days now - internet connection will be intermittent...but have 7 interviews confirmed, with maybe a few more!

have left room in my bag to buy clothes (or have clothes bought for me!), and for food!

take care me loves

and ben, rachel and tesa - saw the film of your graduation - seeing you guys do that made me all emotional - very proud of you all my loves, you all looked so happy and lovely...well done, congratulations, and big hugs and kisses from me! love you all, and may God make your next journey a happy and good one!

xxx

its been a strange few days in my world. from having no participants - i finally have some. yesterday i still hadnt heard back from the nottingham branch of the commission, and so i had almost given up on that...last night i dreamt that i was there, and today they called me back saying that they had four people who had agreed to do my interview - i couldnt believe it - its strange that isnt it!

am going home to escape for a bit, but also have some interviews lined up there too which should be be good, but transcription will be a bit of a mare, but they have to be done, and then its just reading them over and over again, as what qualitative research involves!

so yeah, will have some data, and then my project can get underway.

something else nearly happened, but it didnt - wow great insight by me!

well, as i enjoyed being out of nottingham on saturday, i am making my next escape this weekend, as i am going home for a few days - but there is another reason for going home - that is i have some interviews to do in London for my project which should help with the participant total - but i never ever realised just how long transcription takes - i did two interviews yesterday, and the longer one just took ages to do! man! may have some interviews on friday too (please Lord!), as have used another connection that i forgot about - really am praying loads about this.

um, have been feeling a bit of a captive to my desk with the amount of work that i have at the moment. i am currently trying to finish my consultancy reports that are taking longer then i could ever imagine...

not much else to report really, not much else fun has happened in the world of me right now - its all work orientated. hurrah!

yesterday i had a much needed day out of nottingham, and away from the lads at cloister - i had a day with a great bunch of girls for Rachel's hen day, and it was so appreciated. as i had gone to be with a headache from crying about various issues, it was so good just to get out and in some ways i wish i could have escaped for longer - that would have been great.

so yesterday we made our way down to sollihul to rachels house, where we had some lunch, then went to stratford upon avon which was beautiful, and we got a row boat, and 9 of us went rowing - it was great fun - we stopped for a while as we had champagne and strawberries to celebrate with rachel. we had fun rowing, we got really good! when we got back onto dry land - we had yet more champagne and some lovely ice cream!

we made our way back to Rachels, and got changed and we went out for a really lovely meal in the evening. it was so pleasant...i had such a good time. everyone was just so lovely and kind and it also means that we will know more people at the wedding.

it was quite a shame to come back - as i said i would have quite liked to have escaped from the stress of everything for a while - my project, my personal problems, some people here - just everything that is stressing me out at the moment...but unfortunately we had to come back. but i have had many chats with people now, and they have calmed me down which is what i was really needing, as i was on exploding level, and my health is being effected, and just i was and am still feeling shite.

and the last bit if good news, i have my first interview with somebody tomorrow, this could be a long slow process, but at least i will have one person, and there are more possibilities to ring tomorrow

hello dear blog and fellow blog readers...

sign of a stressful day - when you come over all faint, at the job centre and make a tit out of yourself, as you semi fall onto the chair behind you. well that is what happened today! yep - hurrah! took another morning of walking around beeston and nottingham looking at temping agencies, once again i got some direct no's, other i got maybes, one firm were helpful but am not keeping my hopes up....we shall see. next week i am camping out in one and grabbing people to interview there and then which should be fun...oh man, i can just see this going horribly wrong, and i am stressed, hence the fainting. got back in, and had a lie down and then some lunch, and this afternoon i have been working on my consultancy project which is hard, but a little and often is the approach i am taking with this little baby.

anyways, lets just pray that something good happens soon

oh dear.
well on monday i had a bit of a zosia tantrum, i was juts getting so upset with the lack of responses about temps, that i burst into tears in my room...it is just so frustrating that for this part of my project its all in other peoples hands, and i cannot do anything about it, no matter how hard i try.

yesterday i met up with course people to go over the consultancy skills module - this was helpful, as it resolved a few issues i have, and we are going to meet up in a week or so's time to see where we have all got with this. and then it was back to reading journals and still getting no where with the old temps.

have woken up with a sicky feeling this morning as i am that worried about it, the fact that i have worked so hard for the rest of my masters, and then my project is going arse over tit just really isnt fair.

right, excuse me one moment....

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


i think that may have released at least one per cent of the frustration i am feeling at the moment - have shed a few tears after a company were rude to me down the phone - that isnt necessary, at the end of the day, i am being very polite, and only need a bit of help....some people just have got to me today, and i just feel like giving up as i do not seem to be getting anywhere.

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

i know i should be really into my project right now, but gaining access is becoming such a bitch - my supervisor is urging me to keep going, but its so gutting, when you are doing everything you can, but getting nothing. have done letters, emails, went to visit some in person, and now i am ringing up - oh the persistance. i really hope that i do get some interviews out of this...i really do.

um - its very hot in notts at the moment, and am not used to it at all. sleep has been bad for the last few nights, not just because of the heat but have things flying around in my head thats keeping me awake.

well, the football yesterday was somewhat disappointing, but we had a damn good evening at Cloister, and i had a good time. we had a bbq in the cloister garden which was cool - sarah, dan, johann, alistair came to join the motley crew, and gareths friends sarah and james were here for the evening too. it was a really pleasant evening, lots of laughs, jokes and banter, and just general all time good fun...i almost did something that i have been meaning to do for ages, but began to feel physically sick at the thought of actually doing it, so didnt - yup true zosh stylee!

i got a cushion and lay on the floor whilst andy played guitar and sang - unfortunately due to all the stupid light in nottingham, you cant see the stars which is very disappointing - was gutted.

the night ended pleasantly - i think i could have laid there all night. it was sure warm enough to, but i decided to go to bed instead - not that i could really sleep due to the stupid heat

damn me and stupid inabilities to speak what i feel - its tres crap

i am going to burst, i just cant hold some things in for much longer, it is becoming so hard for me. i have been coming quite emotional these last few days, yesterday i went to church at the cathedral - i got there early for some good God time, and i was just thinking about all the people that i said i would pray for, and i got a bit teary, and today when i was working, a song came on my computer, and once again i dissolved. this time of the year is always hard, as it the anniversary of my grandads death, that i am not really over, as in my head he is still in spain on his holiday, and i still cant get over the fact that i never got a proper goodbye. with the grandad that died this april, although i didnt get to say goodbye, there was a funeral, an ending, but for the other there wasnt, and thats been really hard for me.

there are just a few things really getting me not down, i would say just more frustrated with myself, and my stupid worries, and pathetic nature - damn it. i wish i wasnt like this, and can just bite the bullet, but i cant and it sucks

good news is that i dont have anaemia so all those who said i should go back to eating meat - hahahahaha! but the other news is that the reason i had to have more blood is that they are quite concerned about my constant lethargy - not like me, usually have a lot of energy, and that i had low white blood cell count, and so they want to check this out...interesting.

um, big brainstorms about project are still going, its actually being really helpful as i am picking out new info that i hadnt seen before which is fab. i hope that the footwork i did yesterday actually gets me somewhere, am getting a bit concerned that i havnt done any interviews yet. might do some consultancy skills stuff this weekend - seems like time to do that.

really need a wee, so thats it for now

xx

congratulations to ben - he maybe a cockey gimp sometimes, but he deserves a well done for his degree - he has put up with lots this year, and so this is well deserved...well done tessa and rachel too - you are all clever monkeys, and i am ever so proud of the three of you

the last few days have been up and down. have been workign hard doing brainstorms for my project and consultancy skills things, and today after going to the cathedral for mass (its a nice cathedral on the inside, but i was very disappointed with the lack of catholic youth in Nottingham - i gave the old ladies and men a shock turning up to go to church). after church, i did some work, but it may not seem like work. cos i went round and round nottingham trying to find the temping agencies and trying to get them to take part in my project, some were very helpful, some were awful, so we will see.

had no lunch though, and now its 7:42pm, so i am going to make my scrambles eggs with courgettes, mushrooms and garlic wrap...mmmm

xxx

well, last night, luckily i wasnt the only one who needed a drink, and so a few of us in flat 2 had a few drinks - i knew that the lads would do me proud. i even managed to get a nectarine (i am out of fruit which i hate as i tend to live on fruit, will go to sainsburys tomorrow)

i found it really hard to get asleep, have loads on my mind at the moment. ,y work is going so slow at the moment - its very frustrating. i spend the mornings trying to gain access to temping agencies, trying to find their email addresses so that i can contact them. then in the afternoon, i do literature reviews, or i try and so my consultancy reports. yesterday was consultancy reports, but i am not happy with what i have done so far - oh well, never mind

anyways, back to emailing temping agencies.

am so cold today. am sat in my room, with 3 layers on (the top one being my comfort jumper that my brother gave me that i wear when i am having a particularly shit day), and i am even using my blanket that i have on my bed. I think its because i may have a little cold (have been sniffling a lot), and just because in general i have had quite a shit day. i normally take one a-d in the morning, and one in the evening, but today i took them both in the morning, as i needed to, but have not really felt much affect which is disappointin

after a stomach churning morning, i finished reading some journal articles, emailed more temping agencies to try and get help with my project (although my supervisor is so relaxed about this, saw her after church yesterday). i went to campus to book a doctors appointment, but the computers were down so will go back again tomorrow. but the walk was much needed, gave me time to think about all kinds of issues, like whether i should apply to some of the jobs that I was sent this morning, and that was making me think about what i really did want to do in the future, what direction i should follow, and who was going to be in the future with me, and have tried to get down to writing the first part of my consultancy workshop assessment - the consultancy report, but i am finding this quite difficult - probably more difficult that it should be, but i dont want this to bring down my average, as i am quite happy with my merit, and want to remain on that level.

need some big cheering up - will see what the lads have to offer later, they usually come up trumps in these situations - maybe they will suggest pub, havnt been to the pub for a while, and that would be nice. but hey ho, back to the work - will i hit the 1000 word mark today? lets see.

its been quite emotional chez zosia recently. On friday, i was happy that i got my level a and b qualifications, but that was put aside, as i found out that Biibis dad had died back in Ghana. It was a hard evening, you can hug and try and control tears as much as you can, but whatever you say sounds so lame. It was so hard for all of us, we were all in a bit of shock, we just stayed strong for her. I got a bit teary with her, just all my emotions came out. Biibi is a Christian, so I prayed for her and her dad, i felt that was the only thing that would make sense in this situation. saturday was a day i had been looking forward to, as i was going to birmingham to see Sbosh from Lesotho. this was as good as i thought it would be, it was amazing to see him again, and we had a reflect about africa, had time to chat about our lives, and i cried on the coach home, as i really dont know when i will see him again, which is really hard.

yesterday, i was just mega tired. from having the accident last week, to working really hard all week to get my level b, to having a really emotional saturday and friday i was just worn out, and so whenever i tried to get down to some work, i just fell asleep, so it was not as productive as i thought it would be.

and this morning, well its not even worth trying to write down what i am thinking about, and what has just hit me. just as i thought that things were looking up for me, and that i was getting somewhere, i get slapped in the face, and this one really stings. i cant describe how i am feeling - to be honest i feel a bit sick, emotionally and physically

just to let you know, cos i know that you are all interested - i am now level A and B qualified, which means i can administer, score and feedback on personlity measures (the NEO P-IR), and psychometric tests - go me!