the success of my job hunting so far is waking up and checking my emails to get messages similar to that as i got today:

"you do not have much experience I do not think you would be suitable for this role."

well hopefully, after next thursday when jonathan and i go to the guardian event we will have networked enough for people to see what fab hardworking people we truly are!

oh man...am just going to have to snap out of this down spell soonish. i just get so fed up at home, and not being able to find a job is getting to me, and i just feel in no mans land a bit. My brother rang me from spain and told me to get used to the feeling as that is what it is going to be like for a while (not in a horrid way, he was being sympathetic with it). will be temping again soon, so at least i can get a wee bit of money in. i just feel stuck, and there are also other things bothering me, but thats enough for now, must snap out of it completely. have to be in a good mood for exeter....am really looking forward to that no-end

the beauty of blogs, well any kind of journal is that you can look back at what you thought at these points last year. well, this time last year, i was so scared about starting nottingham, i was scared that i would not make any friends, and that i would not cope with the course. a year on, and i am done....and hopefully i have made some friends that will last for a very long time. it is strange how quickly this year has gone. this time last year i was in my room thinking, i dont like this, i havnt met any english people and i went to bed at a stupidly early time (i now know that the lads were in the pub, and jonathan knew that i was in the building as he had seen me come in, and he described me to everyone else as being 'quite fit'!). so thats it a year has gone.

went to babcias again today - we found some old videos of us when we weree children which was quite funny, they were taken 15 years ago, i was young and i had terrible teeth, and it was in a phase where my mum and my aunt attempted to dress my cousin and i in the same clothes but different colours...oh dear. on the way home i chatted to my mum, and even though this year has gone so fast, it hasnt even been six months since dziadzio died, and that does feel like ages ago. i suppose it is because he was so ill for so long. When getting myself a glass i found that my nan had been put on the same a-ds as i am on, but a lower dose. they have helped as she is not crying all the time, but my mum says my babcia doesnt want to stay on them. I can understand where she comes from, i didnt want to stay on them either, but they have helped me so much this last year..if i dont take my full dose in a day i can feel a difference, but now i hope that I can come off them slowly, I am sure that it will take some time, but i really do hope that this can happen.

anyways, enough of my ramblings now...

the readings at church challenged me a bit today. especially the part about prayer, and not getting what you want. so many times this year, i have heard myself and many many others say "God just isnt giving me what i am praying for, i obviosuly cant be praying hard enough". I am going to have to read the passage again, but it was quite challenging anyways.

i am going crazy at home...i dont know - i think that I have moved on more than my parents recognise, and i do just feel really claustrophobic, and i am not very happy. but finding a job that i like is going to take time, and that also really sucks and upsets me a lot.

anyways, it was my nans birthday yesterday so i spent the afternoon with her which was really good, and my cousins and uncle and aunt also made an appearance - its nice to see my nan smile - she has had a hard few months. i know where i may get my covering up and masking of emotions from now though.

not much else going on...exeter shortly should be good fun.
xxx

i am sick of being at home already, seriously it is doing my head in. i just cant be here for much longer - its not doing any good for my health. i saw what i thought would be a really good job, an occupational psychology assistant - so I emailed the guy, and told him what I have already got and done - it turns out that i am too qualified, as they would have wanted to teach me some of the stuff that I have already done, and then when looking at the professional developments they wanted me to do, i already had them...so most places i dont have enough experience, but this one, i have too bloody much.

as ben has already blurted out to everyone that i am going down to exeter - yes, lukcy exeter will see me once again next thursday, so it is a surprise no longer...never mind...will be good to see everyone again, and go to a chaplaincy mass...

and now for some photos...but i dont know how well this is going to work:



This is me mike and jonathan, on the last night in cloister. jonathan has been great to me all year, how many times i have whined to him about so much zosia shit is untrue, and he just sat through it...he may have got pissed off once or twice..."Zosia, you just have to say it...how hard can it be?", but jonathan - thank you. we have very memorable trips to Sainsburys, have a love for thorntons ice cream, have tried many bottled ciders, and listen to a lot of shit and cheesey radio! jonathan, you are a star.

Mike was the new cloister recruit for the last one and a half months, and provided a fair bit of laughs...especially in one memorable for me (not for him) walk back home from town....as mike is the new recruit we didnt get to know him that well, but we did manage to taste his apple pie and carrot cake offerings - it was a brief but pleasant opportunity, but still, contact via many means is amazing these days



this is adrian...adrian is a very special man...he is lovely! he cooks well, he is polite, charming, and he already knows that I think that he is good looking! sometimes it can be hard to understand what adrian says, as he just uses vowels, but we got used to that. but never get a backy on a bike with him...it can lengthen a short trip home by several hours and an ambulance ride, and x-rays! but adrian is a dude...



This is gareth...now gareth and i dont see eye to eye on some things - that is putting it politely, but gareth has taught me a lot, and has made me have to stand up for myself. he also covered me in leaves, and for a while i was his personal hair stylist...he did have some excellent hair straighteners however which came in handy on many occasions. essentially gareth provided us with an irish accent and somebody to laugh at - especially when he pissed all over his computer...



Andy is in this photo - he left in the morning of last friday, and so was not there in the evening - oh dear...andy provided us with lots of laughs, and his love for football was overwhelming. he introduced me to some new music this year, and let me listen to a lot of his matchbox 20! andy plays the guitar very well indeed, and when salsa-ing has a tendency to knock over bbq's...but overall a great suppiler of chocolate biscuits, chocolate and haribo - thank you andy.



this is enrique...or known to me as anrikay! he is the lemon meringue supremo - it was truly delightful...the only bad thing about it was that i faliled to get a slice last thursday...evil enrique! enrique has amazingly put up with such poor pronunciation of his name all year, and often very excitable me times. i have a lot ot thank for enrique as he was able to understand many of my relationship dilemas and fears, and was a good person to chat to.

they are just some of the wonderful people that made my year in Nottingham bearable and really helped me through it. i have such admiration and love for each and everyone of them, as each in their own way made me laugh, cry and so happy through the year...guys you are all amaizing, and i miss you dearly, and we will have to have many reunions even though we are all supposed to be getting jobs!

and lastly:


this is everyone at the cloister party last friday - it was a good way to end off a good year. although i did spend a lot of time with the afore mentioned guys, the people in this photo lived in cloister and shared the cloister experience if annoying fire alarms at stupid times in the morning, and captain jack sparrow, parties, bbqs, stresses of exams, broadgate and just general cloister niceness...they also made my year.

miss it all, and the sooner i get out of home and a job the better.

hopefully by the end of tonight i will have better internet, or at least internet capabilities on my laptop which means i will have msn restored hurrah! have been doing some job hunting - found something today which looks quite good, and is in kent, so have asked for more information on that - my mum got quite excited too. have been using my new piece of exercise equipment - its quite a good bit fun! so hopefully the pounds will be falling off so ben doesnt look in disgust at me when i finally arrive....

um, not much else going on, am a bit down, but i think that may be because i am back home, and i dont have the banter of flat 2 to keep me going, or anything like that. i am missing the notts people - they were truly fabo! will put some photos of the last night up when the net is on my laptop - some truly funny ones are there...and lots of peoples heads!

take care

xxx

am already getting bored at home - and job hunting is hard as the net is crap...am not happy. heard from my supervisor today which was strange, will tell more if anything develops. will be going to exeter soon to see ben, am slightly worried about it knowing that i have a few people that hate me without even meeting me down there, and so that will be an experience, but one which at the moment i am quite scared about. got a new piece of fitness equipment today, that will be fun, and have also renewed my passport - but that is a bloody expensive thing to do.

am a bit sad to be back at home - there are very few people around anymore - my cousin and I are thinking about doing a Salsa class so that we can have some kind of fun activity to do.

anyways, not much else going on...have now unpacked all my clothes, my cuttlery and crockery, but still my huge piles of work have to be put somewhere!
xx

so the cloister days are over....

friday night was great - cleaning kitchens, and then salsa-ing! loves it - fell into bed about four, up at 7 to clean my kitchen and flat and finish packing...amazingly everything managed to fit into the car so wohoo! am home again now...like the sofa - but kindof wnat to move onto somewhere else and be with young company...having meen with people my age for the last 51 weeks, am going to miss that hugely.

oh - am having to use the shit internet at home and the computer doesnt agree with msn...grr...we are going to hopefully upgrade so that i can get wifi net on my baby laptop soon - hurrah! and then i will have msn again...so nottingham people use my yahoo email to contact me (its on facebook), or the text or phone! andy - you missed a good night on friday - i will forward you the photos when i can....

nottingham was great...i loved all the people that i met with a passion and you are truly fab...unpacking is going to be a mare - everyone who saw how packed the car was - well that is now blocking the entrance to my house...missing you all greatly

xxx

i think that i should also thank my lovely housemates too. we had a house meal last night, and it was all laughter, and now we are all so sad. you were great girls,and made flat 6 a lovely place for me to live...

so thank you tracy, cathy, ritah, agatha, biibi and gharima you are brilliant flat mates and i also love you sll so much

xxx

right, i hate goodbyes, so this is what I am going to do:

to adrian, gareth, jonathan, andy, dave, enrique, tom (now back in New Zealand) and the latest recruit Mike - thank you all for looking after me this year in Cloister, it has been an amazing time, and you are all wonderful fabulous people who have made me laugh till i nearly wet myself on many occassions.

i love you all dearly, and thorugh many means of communication must remain in contact

xxxxxx

sometimes i feel like i am banging my head against a brick wall. at least in my room when i am packing all my stuff up i can sing out really loud as that makes me happy.

sometimes i feel like i am banging my head against a brick wall. at least in my room when i am packing all my stuff up i can sing out really loud as that makes me happy.

two days of crap sleep...makes me a tired girl. went to the grove last night, and saw Kev which was good. we got back and watch some spaced which is ace - reminded me of Monks Road watching it with Amy and having a giggle and a laugh.

only a few days left now, am quite sad about it - have a few things that i want to do, but whether i have the opportunity to do that or not i do not know...

well, am going to go to one of my favourite places on campus and read my book...and maybe do more writing

so last night was an interesting affair. it turned out to be a bit of a bar crawl in Nottingham, and annoyingly nothing was having an effect on me, when everyone else was getting wasted. so much so kris and rhioni (dont know how to spell his name) went mid evening,the rest of us carrying on a lot longer (maybe for some not wisely) and i had a lets say "interesting" walk home, with Mike being the pissed egit he is thinking he knows best attempting to guide me the sober one home - we walked up and down the same road three times!. he doesnt remember the walk home - i certainly do...and he doesnt remember me putting him to bed either - putting water by his bed, the bin with a plastic bag next to him, and closing his curtains, turning off the light- oh dear.

i felt fine this morning, as i didnt even feel drunk last night - bet you when i next drink it will hit me straight out.

and well done to gareth, adrian and enrique who handed in today...
xx

this morning i have been trying to be a bit more pro-active about sorting out post-uni plans. i have been on a few job web-sites and found one or two possibilities (but i am being very picky), and have also been on the BPS website looking up all the occupational psychologists that would be in driving distance for me, and am emailing them to see if I can get some work experience with any of them...we shall see if that gets anything.

now i am going to look for flights so that I can go and visit my brother and have a mini break abroad which will be coolio...

not much else, am waiting for andy et al to finish up - should be soon, and then will be going for a wee little drink to celebrate their end of degree - this week will see a lot of drinking i fear...and i am dreading saying goodbye to people. it will be well and truly very sad

ok, so my day has been really good, bar one event. on the way to katy's a man drove up and stopped by me, and beckoned me over... i went as i thought he might be needing directions...instead he opened his door, and said "i know that i dont know you or anything, but do you want to get into my car, and i will drive you into town and take you for a drink". i said no abruptly, gave him a disgusted look, and ran into Katy's house. why do men do this to us...it was horrible. urgh. i was dressed nice as i was going to the theatre -(just a smart pair of jeans, a top, and a black 3/4 length black top over that), but urgh it was horrid.

seeing katy again was cool, we had a good chat, and grease was just bloody brilliant. the dancing was soo good, and the singing was amazing - absolutely amazing it really was. i give it high recommendations to go and see.

got back from the theatre - Mike was making an apple pie...the filling was yummy! and he even got custard - brilliant. captain jack came into flat 2, he freaks me out, and i have developed this habit of just zoning out when he talks to me - its not that good, so i made my escape. am going to a watch dvd i think, as i am not tired enough to go to sleep, but i can watch it in bed which is ace.

even though Jonathan came knocking on my door this morning, and i had a heavy night drinking - i am in such a good mood today - i hope that it lasts!

so yesterday i had my first proper celebration of giving in the masters as mike had finished him, so a quick pint in the johnsons, turned into two pints and three gin and tonics...then when we got back in, some wine and a mug of mainly gin with a wee bit of tonic! Jonathan kindly provided potato wedges when we got back in as (well i) had the munchies! i found out that Jonathan and mike are both very ticklish - can provide hours of entertainment now!

anyway, this morning i had my photo taken with darth vada and a stormtrouper - it was brilliant - i gave darth vada a huge hug - brilliant!

am going to see Katy in a few hours, followed by Grease the musical - i am very much looking forward to this indeed - how brilliant will it be????!!!!!

well, it is sunny too, cant beat today at the moment - laughs all the way!

This here is Gareth. a few weeks ago i dedicated a whole post to him as he complained that he wasnt mentioned enough - last night he complained again - you can never make some people happy can you? Anyway, this is a picture of Gareth - this should make him happy, but knowing Gareth it will probably make him annoyed - why put such a silly picture of me up??

Anyway, there is another reason why I am mentioning Gareth this morning - it is Gareths 22nd birthday - I know he looks 12, but really he is now 22. so happy birthday Gareth.

when you need a bit of comfort and cheer, what can be better then to pick up your book and read away merrily - so three cheers for Jane Austen and writing her brilliant Pride and Prejudice - a book that i know will always put a smile on my face when i read it, and gets me out of a terrible mood. thats a good book indeed.

i woke up with a bit of a strange dream going through my head...i was still tired and wanted to go back to sleep, but for fear of returning to that dream - i didnt - i got up, and i was glad that I did as it is very sunny today, so much so i dont have to wear a top with sleeves! i had a rant at the post office when sending jons post...the new prices have gone crazy! i collected my Grease ticket so I am all set for saturday now. i leant gareth my computer last night with the proviso that no type of defacation occurred on it! i dont want my computer dying a death also.

am feeling a wee bit ill now, but have just hoovered my room, and put on my washing, so i feel like i have had a productive day

may watch a film this afternoon - watched 21 grams yesterday - what a thought provoking film - sure had me thinking all afternoon about things - doesnt chage much...

anyways better go have to put my softener in my washing machine

for people who know me really well i dont get angry very often, but at the moment i am so fucked off its untrue. if people who dont even know me want to make up lies about me, then thats fine, they can use their sick and twisted heads to do so, but if at the same time, they want to try and tell me that they are a Christian..then really i dont fucking believe them. if they were Christian "love one another as I have loved you" should be on their mind, not lets see how much hurt and anguish we can cause somebody. some people are so calous and calculated it makes me feel sick - physically.

and to somebody else:

"who helped you the most?....someone who was there whenever needed, who listened more than talked, who didnt keep glancing down at a watch, who hugged, and touched a cried. in short, someone who was available" (Where is God when it hurts?)

If i could have done anymore then i would have, but if that means shit to you, then i just dont know anymore - i really dont. i have done my best and tried, and i dont know what else to do or say - i am literally lost for words through anger

its nice to wake up in the morning and to have the sun shining into your bedroom - sure put a smile on my face this morning. am quite looking forward to church this morning, have been doing some quite good prayer recently...well i do need clarity on many issues at the moment, and the prayer is giving me the comfort that I need. Last night having seen adrian and mike make awful dinners for themselves as they are still doing dissertations, i rashly agreed to cook for flat 2 (which will include jonathan as well) tonight, which means a trip to sainsburys, but i dont mind, they have each looked after me this year in their own little ways, now its time to do something back, and also when i couldnt sleep last night i planned what i was going to cook for them....

anyways, better straighten my hair before i leave for church...

well, the last few days have been quite relaxed in not doing any work terms, but my head has still been whirring with thouhgts, anxieties, and things. today i booked myself a ticket to see Grease next week in Nottingham at the theatre, i am going on my own so i can have some good Zosia time and just enjoy a film that i love without having to worry that the other people i am with are not enjoying it...so i am looking forward to that next week - and it was very cheap with a student card, so that was fab too!

um, not much else to say, am job hunting now which is a long hard task, am really wanting to be a research assistant but i am not finding places. um, the others all still have their dissertations to finish, so i would like prayers for them, so that they can do that well, and then we can all have some fun! wohoo!

have been getting some help some friends on some matters this week which has been very helpful and insightful also.

take care my petals
xxx

i am writng this, it is currently 3:35 am...i have had an amazing night. it was rebeccas birthday, But i think it is spelt Rebeka because she is mexican...it was brilliant. the thing about cloister house it that we come from so many different countries, i mean tonight we had mexican, spannish, english, irish, venezualan, dutch, german, indian, ghanian, ugandan, french (i think), and greek people, and it was brilliant,...i mean thanks to cesar my salsa has come on in leaps and bounds this year - he is an amazing dancer it is unreal...and it was funny when blowing out the candles on the birthday cake set the fire alarm off, and then broadgate had to come back again to tell us to turn the music down. johan was gutted as we couldnt do the moulin rouge routine - another time - eleni my downstairs neugbour is a grover, and it was altogether a brilliant night, and the best thing is, i can stay in bed for as long as i want tomorrow, and it doesnt matter. brilliant! I think a good night was had by all! i certainly enjoyed shaking my bootie on the dancefloor of flat 5! eh la!

at 9:45 this morning, i handed in my dissertation - that was it - a culmination of a years work, and my masters was over in that one movement of giving in the two spiral bound versions of my work...180 creduts done and dusted.

i treated myself to a thorntons ice-cream - it was gorgeous, and some underwear - thats pretty nice too!

other than that i am taking ben's advice of just having me time for a fort-night - i am not taking his advice on continual drinking

just to say, project is printed, bound and the cds are bunrt ready to give in bright and early tomorrow morning. when printing it out i was shaking - this now means no changes can be made, and i cant do anything now!

relief...now all i have to do is wait for the results....

xxx

today i did my slides for a presentation i dont have to give, but had to sum up my project with, executive summary is complete, and so is my project management report..and so i think is my project. the scary thing is, i still have four days to go! whats going on? i am stressing about being done early.

well in fact i am stressing about other things, but pouring that out into my work. one thing on my mind i cant talk about, but i just ask for prayers for some one who really needs them right now.

the other thing is just me and my usual lame low confidence self in getting off my butt and actually doing something that could make me happy...hence the quote about fear the other day.

anyways....speak soon

xxx

its always the little changes that you want to make in your project that always take so long...and i am now going through it with a fine comb, checking referencing, quotes, spellings and making sure temping or temp hasnt slipped in anywhere - that would be annoying! but am nearly done...just a few other bits that arent graded but just pass/fail to do...executive summary has taken me two days and am still not happy with it, but you never really are with these things.

Other news - since mike has joined cloister there has been more physic/science talk, and less critical theory, but i still dont get some of it...there is never any oss psy talk? then i would be a font of knowledge! never mind...am learning a lot - yesterday it was the stars and galaxies and gravatational pulls and satelites - what a riveting friday night we have here in nottingham!

take care one and all
xxx

good news is that I have just heard from my supervisor...only a few changes to be made to my project, with generally good comments...a few grammatical points that I dont see, and nor did my parents which is a bit confusing - will send it to jon maybe!! then things like page numbers and ketwords which is somethings that I knew i had to do anyways. and i am presenting at a conference in january, my abstract was formally accepted which is good news...so looking up now

if anyone knows their bible, they will know that quote comes from ecclesiasticus and not wisdom - i apologise.
its late, i am tired and upset.

wow, three posts in one day, how can you tell that i am bored? i hope my supervisor gets back to me tomorrow...well today i did loads of reading, finished the Life of Pi

Although I didnt like the official end to the book - the interview transcripts was a lame way to end, his farewell with Richard Parker seems to be mirroring something with me at the moment. Throughout the year I have had ups and downs, as has just about everyone, but I have always had someone that I contacted on about a daily basis, not just God, but a close friend. but as near the end suggests : "i wept as a child...I was weeping because Richard Parker had left me so unceremoniously" later it goes on to say "it's important in life to conclude things properly. Only then can you let go. Otherwise you are left with words you should have said but never did, and your heart is heavy with remorse".

at the moment a goodbye has been forced upon me. for me with no clear conclusion, leaving me indeed weeping like a child.

but i just want to remind my Richard Parker one thing from another great book that I read:

"a loyal friend is a powerful defence: whoever finds one has indeed found a treasure. a loyal friend is something beyond price, there is no measuring his worth"
(wisdom: 6:15-16)

i hope that is clear.

well as my tutor has not got back to me about my project (either a very good, or a very bad sign), i have been doing lots of reading, and have found another brilliant quote from the Life of Pi:

"Faith in God is an openning up, a letting go, a deep trust, a free act of love..."

having spent the last few months burried underneath interview transcripts and psyhcology journals i have found a book that I started to read, and am now reading to finish...but I have just read a few sentences that sums up what i think amazingly...

so thanks to Yann Martel and the Life of Pi:

"I must say a word about fear. It is life's only true opponent...It has no decency, respects no law convention, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unerring ease. It begins in your mind, always"

I fear a lot. This is a brilliant description of how I often feel.

today has been quite a strange day, from some quite malicious emails, leading to tears down a phone, and having to ask questions of people that i knew were not true anyways...am sorry that i did that - you're a very special person

it took me seven hours to edit my project today - but now it is in a form that i can send to my tutor to proof read, and i only have to do a few little bits and bobs now, which is good. still all i want to do is sleep, which is what i am going to do now...although i have one thing bothering me a lot at the moment, do i do an eye for an eye, or do i offer the other cheek to be slapped? thats my conundrum.

nice way to start a sunday morning, with a fire alarm...it started just as i was coming out of the shower, i was not going to go out in a towel - i managed to survive the horrid noise enough to clothe myself and go downstairs - obviously thete was no fire, someone just carbonating their breakfast it appears....i am now wide awake and in about 1o minutes will be heading off to campus for church. not much is happening this way, its work and sleep - i am so looking forward to the day when i can just lay in bed for as long as i want without feeling guilty that my project isnt being done...that isnt long now - hurrah!

got a bit stuck on my discussion yesterday - read lots of discussions from other journals to give me some ideas, it has worked! yay! will see what i can do today, and hopefully send it to my supervisor. am looking forward to writing my warts and all management report with all the problems that I have had with my project, the fact that the method changed, the number of participants chnaged, the area the participants were from kindof changed, and most importantly my research questions chnaged (the supposed beauty of qualitative research!), so there is a bit to write up.

um, really not much else has been happening - most people are heads down to get their projects/dissertations done. really need to shop - my fridge shlef has on it a yoghurt, half a block of cheese and some celery! will shop with jonathnan when he returns today!

take care my pumpkins
xxxx

yesterdays work day in terms of my project went absolutely crap - i had a complete mind block, so instead i changed all the mistakes in my transcripts - something that needed to be done, but didnt need much thought in it. but today all that changed! i wrote and finished my results section, so have discussion and abstract left to do, and then my supervisor (as i found out today can then read a draft of my project) can have a read through it! then i will have about a week to make chnages, write my executive summary, and my management report which shouldnt be too bad - bound and given in - masters done. prayers please - have been stressing and been a bit panicky - this is a big thing, and i want to do the best that i can, so prayers for strength and motivation will be fab please

jonathan comes back on sunday - that will be good - have missed him a bit - even all the banter that i usually get from him! but that should be nice. oh and we at cloister have a new addition to our gang - his name is mike, and he has joined flat 2...he seems to be fitting in well, already taking the piss out of me, so he has slotted in fine really.

not much else going on - really just going to get typing on my discussion tomorrow - have just over 1,000 words to do it in! oh how you love the word count!

take care my pickles
xxx

once again, it seems that I have not blogged for a while - my apologies, i have been quite busy for one reason or another. the last weeken saw the wedding of Rachel and Oli - the service was absolutely lovely, the worship, the prayers and the Bible passages were all very special, and obviously meant so much to the happy couple, and I wish them all the best for the future, they deserve all the happiness in the world, and I am sure that God wiill guide them in the right direction - they both have very strong faith, and so that will guide them in any decisions to be made....the only bad thing about the wedding was the no single men at the reception - my beautiful dress went to waste!



The other thing that has been taking up my time is obviously my dissertation. this is going ok actually, i am getting there and so I am doing better then i ever thought that i would be doing at this time. I do sometimes get that feeling of panic, but hey ho, that will never stop in me, so what can i do?

we had a full flat for one night on tuesday..Bibii came back from Ghana, and Cathy came up from london for the day, and so we had a flat meal which was just great - spending time with the girls was fun, and meant that i could talk about girl stuff like hair, and my latest crushes and feelings, that the men sometimes seem to shy away from...have been getting on a lot better with my housemates recently - i think that we all realise that we are going to miss each other so much when we leave - we have learnt to rely on each other this year, even if we dont realise it at the time...

men has been a good topic of conversation to get me close to some housemates in particular. they understand just how shy i am when telling certain men how i feel about them, and so can empathise with me about the struggles that I am currently having, but we try and laugh through it, so we shall see...

anyways, must get back to the dissertation now

xxx

the write up for my project has begun, and i have three weeks before the nasty things is given in, and then my masters is over, and i will have just over two weeks in nottingham left for enjoyment and job hunting before my year in nottingham will come to a sad end, and we will all be going our seperate ways - am already beginning to feel very sad about this.

keep on emailing my supervisor with questions about my write up and how things should be as i dont want this to bring my mark down, so we shall see how it goes. but am waiting to see another member of staff regarding my results as i have never done qualititative analysis before, and i have found quite an exciting result which is more a development of some kind of theory then just say content or thematic analysis, and so she doesnt know how exactly i should write how my results were analysed and thus how they should be written up, so this part is still up in the air.

have a wedding to go to this weekend. Rachel from my course is the bride, and she is getting married to Ollie on saturday. can we just pray that this is a good day for them, and that they can grow in the love of God together. They are a young christian couple, and so prayers for them would be great. I have got to get a pashmina and a bag to go with my dress, and i had my haircut yesterday for the first time in over a year so that it looks nice for the weekend, even if andy, mike and enrique didnt notice that i had over an inch off the length, and my sweeping fringe put back in....men!

other than that, have been having some quite vivid dreams recently which have been quite funny and making me laugh, but have been sleeping a lot better which is very good.

take care

this blog post os just for one person who was complaining last night about not being mentioned enough....so here it goes:

Gareth, Gareth, Gareth, Gareth, Gareth, Gareth, Gareth, Gareth, Gareth, Gareth Gareth, Gareth, Gareth, Gareth, Gareth, Gareth, Gareth, Gareth, Gareth, Gareth....





.......is a ...?

xfour weeks exactly today, and my project gets handed in...that time is going to go sos quickly as well, but its coming on ok. today i wrote a summary of my project as i may be presenting at the POP (post-graduate occupational psychology) conference in january, and that was really helpful as it meant that i had a chance to read through notes that i hadnt read through in a while and it also meant that i could get some idea of the direction that my project is going in as well. but it has been sent off to two tutors to check for me now so fingers crossed. anyways, apart from that not much is happening, am battling on, am trying to be over happy to make up for my downess which is freaking a few people out here...may have to bring it down a bit now! oh well. what can you do. johnsons beer festival going on at the mo, the ticket i got last night means that i can ask for three more pints and dont have to pay any money - always good news. thanks to adrian and gareth last night who allowed me to test all the ales that they got - still not an ale liker i am afraid - will stick to the cider!

anyways, speak more soon

xxxx

my tearfulness just has to stop - one minute fine, the next minute i am not...oh dear, its all not good, but i will battle on regardless and be fine hopefully - no i will be fine - before ben starts worrying when he doesnt have to. its just been a hardish month where i have found out stuff and its not what i had prayed for, so i am angry with me and with God which is never the way to be...prayer has been hard, but i have just continued with it, as i know that it does help in the end, and God will be around me when others go.

but work is going on ok, am cutting and pastign my interviews into themes which is quite fun, but i can see it getting frustrating towards the end of it. but finished up my stupid consultancy things now which is good news.

have actually slept a bit better in the last few nights, which is good, but i have been having quite horrid vivid dreams, and they are really vivid, the one last night made me cry - i dont know why, i woke up in tears - wasnt very good.

although i have a few worries at the moment, some new, some old, most are due to my stupidity, it is quite surprising that i have been able to sleep - really it is. am feeling that a do need to escape for a bit again, but i cant...oh well, we shall see how it goes at the weekend, as we have the cloister bbq tomorrow, and that may be fun

ok, last night, i was boiling! really boiling. my body was being silly though - i had to go into the loo not once but twice in the night! now i was really thirsty still - now i thought the body was clever...it should have made sure that i wasnt thirsty, and not having to get up and pee twice! oh it did rather disrupt my otherwise ok sleep!

analysisng qual data is a long task, but it will start involving cutting and pasting and coloured pens which i am really looking forward too, but i will probably go mad with it later. my supervisor was very helpful, and i will be sure to discuss all my ideas with her before they go on paper....

its stupidly hot - i dont like it..its not fair that i have to do stupid work as well...that makes it even hotter of that makes any sense. you would not believe how long it takes to read through interview transcripts and analyse them - and i have to do this loads and loads of times. am seeing ninna my supervisor tomorrow so she can help me

i hope that i am sweating off excess weight in this heat! got a dress for my friends wedding...from the lads i got a few "i would" responses, and a wohohohoohohoho! so think all round its a thumbs up - its a strapless number, kind of turquoise, blue, green and cream, corsetted so it very nice, and had a ribbong across the middle - shoes are going to be the same as the ones i got for james and ellas wedding as they match, and need to get a pashmina and bag!



um, praying for good stuff to happen for me, its not been going so well lately...some people know why. just pray really, as i need some good news for once.

time for bed - which meand just lying on top of it, the thought of going under a duvet just freaks me out in this weather!

i think that i have too much contact with ben (thats not a bad thing i would just like to add ben, i love hearing from you - you total dude), but today just proves it. i am reading the Life of Pi at the moment, and i come to the end of a chapter, and there is a really good quote. all of a sudden i remember that Ben had read the book, abd blogged about it, so i spent an age going through the archive of his blog, to find that he had already blogged the quote - great minds think a like!

um...had some really good me time on campus today, sitting in the bandstand by the lake so not to get wet in the rain...made a bit of a tit having a little tear in public, and the cutest little kid with his gran and mum looked at me strangely cos of it when they came to feed the ducks! oh well.

anyways, am so tired - sleep has been poor due to weather.


xxxx

its time to write about what happened when i was at home recently, as with these hot summer nights that we have been experiencing, when i cant get to sleep, or when i wake up, i have had time to think about a few things that happened.

in general, my time at home was quite good - you know, i got 9 interviews done, i spent the day with my babcia, i went shopping in bromley and on oxford street, and we had a family meal (well without peter who is now in madrid) - and so that was all great.

what really has made me think, was what happened on the first evening back. i was talking to my mum, and she was asking me about role models, after she had read an article in the paper. i said, as i always have done, how my babcia is the best role model that i could have, with everything that she has gone through, and dealt with in her life, and her amazing strength and faith really does inspire me, and males me think that i have been well a truly lucky in comparison. i look round, and my mum is in floods of tears, so i go and rush over to her. she starts to tell me that she feels really guilty that because she has spent so much time looking after babcia, that she has forgotton to spend time to think about her dad, and all the things that he did for her, and that she just isnt over his death at all because she has not thouhgt about him. she told me that she felt terrible about this. i just didnt know what to say, i hate seeing my mum cry, and there i was in floods of tears too, telling her to stop crying.

it turns out, that my mum is just really sad that nobody seems to talk about my dziadzio anymore, as all they talk about is how strong babcia is. i just want to say, that i have a few good and really strong memories of my grandad, but he had dementia from when i was seven, and so a lot of what i remember is him getting worse, and how that terrible illness took over him. but that doesnt mean that i dont have happy memories. i love my grandad to bits. his illness did completely baffle me, i found it heartbreaking and confusing, how he could be suffering so much, and how all of us knew that he would have been hated to be seen like that, yet he kept on battling on. i suppose, that shows his strength and his battle. but, i love my grandad to bits, and he was such a kind and gentle man, and even though he was in pain, he would still always give you a little smile, and that is how i have to remember him. sorry, i am getting all emotional, but this is what i spent three hours crying with my mum about last weekend.

She then went on to tell me, that she was really worried about me, cos she just wanted me to be really happy and fall in love with somebody. if only she knew that my biggest fear isnt of spiders on anything like that, but it is growing old alone - i am petrified of that more then you would ever believe. just the thought of not having a husband who loves me is just so painfullt scary. its even worse that is in the last year, i found two people that i really have liked more than anyone else in a long time, and the feelings that i have had for them have not been returned, and i just feel so stuck, and empty. its the worst feeling. it means that i have to start all over again, to build up the courage, and i just get so fed up that there is something so unloveable about me. i see and hear how badly some people treat each other, and it makes me angry, when if i had something like that then i would treat it as gold dust.

anyway, so my time at home was actually quite emotional. i hate seeing my mum cry, and the fact that we just spent three hours or even more in each others arms crying has been on my mind for a while. i love my mum more than anything in the world, and seeing her so down, and hearing all her worries just made me so sad. i wish that she could be happier, and i really pray for her. she is a brilliant mum to my two brothers and i, a great daughter to my babcia, and sister to my aunts, and wife to my dad. the time that we spent last saturday was very sad, but i a way also very special.

and that has been what has been on my mind for a while, something like that just doesnt go that quickly.

four interviews yesterday - well done me!
ben - i never got my drunk phone call - disappointed!
i took a leap into the great unknown yesterday - well done me!

am off home for a few days now - internet connection will be intermittent...but have 7 interviews confirmed, with maybe a few more!

have left room in my bag to buy clothes (or have clothes bought for me!), and for food!

take care me loves

and ben, rachel and tesa - saw the film of your graduation - seeing you guys do that made me all emotional - very proud of you all my loves, you all looked so happy and lovely...well done, congratulations, and big hugs and kisses from me! love you all, and may God make your next journey a happy and good one!

xxx

its been a strange few days in my world. from having no participants - i finally have some. yesterday i still hadnt heard back from the nottingham branch of the commission, and so i had almost given up on that...last night i dreamt that i was there, and today they called me back saying that they had four people who had agreed to do my interview - i couldnt believe it - its strange that isnt it!

am going home to escape for a bit, but also have some interviews lined up there too which should be be good, but transcription will be a bit of a mare, but they have to be done, and then its just reading them over and over again, as what qualitative research involves!

so yeah, will have some data, and then my project can get underway.

something else nearly happened, but it didnt - wow great insight by me!

well, as i enjoyed being out of nottingham on saturday, i am making my next escape this weekend, as i am going home for a few days - but there is another reason for going home - that is i have some interviews to do in London for my project which should help with the participant total - but i never ever realised just how long transcription takes - i did two interviews yesterday, and the longer one just took ages to do! man! may have some interviews on friday too (please Lord!), as have used another connection that i forgot about - really am praying loads about this.

um, have been feeling a bit of a captive to my desk with the amount of work that i have at the moment. i am currently trying to finish my consultancy reports that are taking longer then i could ever imagine...

not much else to report really, not much else fun has happened in the world of me right now - its all work orientated. hurrah!

yesterday i had a much needed day out of nottingham, and away from the lads at cloister - i had a day with a great bunch of girls for Rachel's hen day, and it was so appreciated. as i had gone to be with a headache from crying about various issues, it was so good just to get out and in some ways i wish i could have escaped for longer - that would have been great.

so yesterday we made our way down to sollihul to rachels house, where we had some lunch, then went to stratford upon avon which was beautiful, and we got a row boat, and 9 of us went rowing - it was great fun - we stopped for a while as we had champagne and strawberries to celebrate with rachel. we had fun rowing, we got really good! when we got back onto dry land - we had yet more champagne and some lovely ice cream!

we made our way back to Rachels, and got changed and we went out for a really lovely meal in the evening. it was so pleasant...i had such a good time. everyone was just so lovely and kind and it also means that we will know more people at the wedding.

it was quite a shame to come back - as i said i would have quite liked to have escaped from the stress of everything for a while - my project, my personal problems, some people here - just everything that is stressing me out at the moment...but unfortunately we had to come back. but i have had many chats with people now, and they have calmed me down which is what i was really needing, as i was on exploding level, and my health is being effected, and just i was and am still feeling shite.

and the last bit if good news, i have my first interview with somebody tomorrow, this could be a long slow process, but at least i will have one person, and there are more possibilities to ring tomorrow

hello dear blog and fellow blog readers...

sign of a stressful day - when you come over all faint, at the job centre and make a tit out of yourself, as you semi fall onto the chair behind you. well that is what happened today! yep - hurrah! took another morning of walking around beeston and nottingham looking at temping agencies, once again i got some direct no's, other i got maybes, one firm were helpful but am not keeping my hopes up....we shall see. next week i am camping out in one and grabbing people to interview there and then which should be fun...oh man, i can just see this going horribly wrong, and i am stressed, hence the fainting. got back in, and had a lie down and then some lunch, and this afternoon i have been working on my consultancy project which is hard, but a little and often is the approach i am taking with this little baby.

anyways, lets just pray that something good happens soon

oh dear.
well on monday i had a bit of a zosia tantrum, i was juts getting so upset with the lack of responses about temps, that i burst into tears in my room...it is just so frustrating that for this part of my project its all in other peoples hands, and i cannot do anything about it, no matter how hard i try.

yesterday i met up with course people to go over the consultancy skills module - this was helpful, as it resolved a few issues i have, and we are going to meet up in a week or so's time to see where we have all got with this. and then it was back to reading journals and still getting no where with the old temps.

have woken up with a sicky feeling this morning as i am that worried about it, the fact that i have worked so hard for the rest of my masters, and then my project is going arse over tit just really isnt fair.

right, excuse me one moment....

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


i think that may have released at least one per cent of the frustration i am feeling at the moment - have shed a few tears after a company were rude to me down the phone - that isnt necessary, at the end of the day, i am being very polite, and only need a bit of help....some people just have got to me today, and i just feel like giving up as i do not seem to be getting anywhere.

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

i know i should be really into my project right now, but gaining access is becoming such a bitch - my supervisor is urging me to keep going, but its so gutting, when you are doing everything you can, but getting nothing. have done letters, emails, went to visit some in person, and now i am ringing up - oh the persistance. i really hope that i do get some interviews out of this...i really do.

um - its very hot in notts at the moment, and am not used to it at all. sleep has been bad for the last few nights, not just because of the heat but have things flying around in my head thats keeping me awake.

well, the football yesterday was somewhat disappointing, but we had a damn good evening at Cloister, and i had a good time. we had a bbq in the cloister garden which was cool - sarah, dan, johann, alistair came to join the motley crew, and gareths friends sarah and james were here for the evening too. it was a really pleasant evening, lots of laughs, jokes and banter, and just general all time good fun...i almost did something that i have been meaning to do for ages, but began to feel physically sick at the thought of actually doing it, so didnt - yup true zosh stylee!

i got a cushion and lay on the floor whilst andy played guitar and sang - unfortunately due to all the stupid light in nottingham, you cant see the stars which is very disappointing - was gutted.

the night ended pleasantly - i think i could have laid there all night. it was sure warm enough to, but i decided to go to bed instead - not that i could really sleep due to the stupid heat

damn me and stupid inabilities to speak what i feel - its tres crap

i am going to burst, i just cant hold some things in for much longer, it is becoming so hard for me. i have been coming quite emotional these last few days, yesterday i went to church at the cathedral - i got there early for some good God time, and i was just thinking about all the people that i said i would pray for, and i got a bit teary, and today when i was working, a song came on my computer, and once again i dissolved. this time of the year is always hard, as it the anniversary of my grandads death, that i am not really over, as in my head he is still in spain on his holiday, and i still cant get over the fact that i never got a proper goodbye. with the grandad that died this april, although i didnt get to say goodbye, there was a funeral, an ending, but for the other there wasnt, and thats been really hard for me.

there are just a few things really getting me not down, i would say just more frustrated with myself, and my stupid worries, and pathetic nature - damn it. i wish i wasnt like this, and can just bite the bullet, but i cant and it sucks

good news is that i dont have anaemia so all those who said i should go back to eating meat - hahahahaha! but the other news is that the reason i had to have more blood is that they are quite concerned about my constant lethargy - not like me, usually have a lot of energy, and that i had low white blood cell count, and so they want to check this out...interesting.

um, big brainstorms about project are still going, its actually being really helpful as i am picking out new info that i hadnt seen before which is fab. i hope that the footwork i did yesterday actually gets me somewhere, am getting a bit concerned that i havnt done any interviews yet. might do some consultancy skills stuff this weekend - seems like time to do that.

really need a wee, so thats it for now

xx

congratulations to ben - he maybe a cockey gimp sometimes, but he deserves a well done for his degree - he has put up with lots this year, and so this is well deserved...well done tessa and rachel too - you are all clever monkeys, and i am ever so proud of the three of you

the last few days have been up and down. have been workign hard doing brainstorms for my project and consultancy skills things, and today after going to the cathedral for mass (its a nice cathedral on the inside, but i was very disappointed with the lack of catholic youth in Nottingham - i gave the old ladies and men a shock turning up to go to church). after church, i did some work, but it may not seem like work. cos i went round and round nottingham trying to find the temping agencies and trying to get them to take part in my project, some were very helpful, some were awful, so we will see.

had no lunch though, and now its 7:42pm, so i am going to make my scrambles eggs with courgettes, mushrooms and garlic wrap...mmmm

xxx

well, last night, luckily i wasnt the only one who needed a drink, and so a few of us in flat 2 had a few drinks - i knew that the lads would do me proud. i even managed to get a nectarine (i am out of fruit which i hate as i tend to live on fruit, will go to sainsburys tomorrow)

i found it really hard to get asleep, have loads on my mind at the moment. ,y work is going so slow at the moment - its very frustrating. i spend the mornings trying to gain access to temping agencies, trying to find their email addresses so that i can contact them. then in the afternoon, i do literature reviews, or i try and so my consultancy reports. yesterday was consultancy reports, but i am not happy with what i have done so far - oh well, never mind

anyways, back to emailing temping agencies.

am so cold today. am sat in my room, with 3 layers on (the top one being my comfort jumper that my brother gave me that i wear when i am having a particularly shit day), and i am even using my blanket that i have on my bed. I think its because i may have a little cold (have been sniffling a lot), and just because in general i have had quite a shit day. i normally take one a-d in the morning, and one in the evening, but today i took them both in the morning, as i needed to, but have not really felt much affect which is disappointin

after a stomach churning morning, i finished reading some journal articles, emailed more temping agencies to try and get help with my project (although my supervisor is so relaxed about this, saw her after church yesterday). i went to campus to book a doctors appointment, but the computers were down so will go back again tomorrow. but the walk was much needed, gave me time to think about all kinds of issues, like whether i should apply to some of the jobs that I was sent this morning, and that was making me think about what i really did want to do in the future, what direction i should follow, and who was going to be in the future with me, and have tried to get down to writing the first part of my consultancy workshop assessment - the consultancy report, but i am finding this quite difficult - probably more difficult that it should be, but i dont want this to bring down my average, as i am quite happy with my merit, and want to remain on that level.

need some big cheering up - will see what the lads have to offer later, they usually come up trumps in these situations - maybe they will suggest pub, havnt been to the pub for a while, and that would be nice. but hey ho, back to the work - will i hit the 1000 word mark today? lets see.

its been quite emotional chez zosia recently. On friday, i was happy that i got my level a and b qualifications, but that was put aside, as i found out that Biibis dad had died back in Ghana. It was a hard evening, you can hug and try and control tears as much as you can, but whatever you say sounds so lame. It was so hard for all of us, we were all in a bit of shock, we just stayed strong for her. I got a bit teary with her, just all my emotions came out. Biibi is a Christian, so I prayed for her and her dad, i felt that was the only thing that would make sense in this situation. saturday was a day i had been looking forward to, as i was going to birmingham to see Sbosh from Lesotho. this was as good as i thought it would be, it was amazing to see him again, and we had a reflect about africa, had time to chat about our lives, and i cried on the coach home, as i really dont know when i will see him again, which is really hard.

yesterday, i was just mega tired. from having the accident last week, to working really hard all week to get my level b, to having a really emotional saturday and friday i was just worn out, and so whenever i tried to get down to some work, i just fell asleep, so it was not as productive as i thought it would be.

and this morning, well its not even worth trying to write down what i am thinking about, and what has just hit me. just as i thought that things were looking up for me, and that i was getting somewhere, i get slapped in the face, and this one really stings. i cant describe how i am feeling - to be honest i feel a bit sick, emotionally and physically

just to let you know, cos i know that you are all interested - i am now level A and B qualified, which means i can administer, score and feedback on personlity measures (the NEO P-IR), and psychometric tests - go me!

At the time of writing this I am both angry and bored for two seperate reasons

will deal with the bored first: i have spent all of today (bar from a trip to boots on campus to purchase a few necessities) writing up my reports and necessary documentation for my level B professional developments. it has just been so tedious. i am currently in the process of writing my third personality feedback report of the day, and if i have to write "as in accordance with the data protection act" again, i will scream. anyways, it all gets handed in tomorrow which is a big relief.

now the anger: this has to be dealt with a bit more sensitivity - well it doesnt really, but for my sake it does, because to be honest i dont think that i can deal with one more confrontation about my beliefs, the fact that I am a Christian and believe in God. The thing that gets me, is that my belief is personal, i dont go about advertising and shouting from the roof tops that I am a Catholic, no i keep it to myself, and try as hard as I can to live my life in accordance with my beliefs, but i certainly do not enforce these on other people. Yes I believe in God, and yes, sometimes i do slip up, i do make mistakes, and i do things that i am not proud of, but i do feel sorry for the mistakes i make, and its not as if i think i get off lightly when i have slipped up. all I have to say is - why should anyone else care about my beliefs? why do i have to constantly battle to defend them? i shouldnt - thats right, when i dont i get told that its because i am insecure, am doubting my own faith, that i dont believe as i cant defend it, but when i do try and defend it - in a contradictory manner, i get told off for being insecure enough to have to try and defend my faith and that its wrong anyway. whatever way - i seem to fail.

at first i put up with the constant banter about it, but now, not only has it crossed the extremely rude barrier, it has also upset me a lot - on more then one occassion i have been reduced to tears as a result of this confrontation, and this is not fair. I may not agree with everyones beliefs, but i dont say that someone else is wrong for what they believe in, and i certainly would never call someone insecure for believing in what they do - that is not fair, and I know that I have no right to say things like that - so why other people believe they have the right to do this baffles me. the fact is, i have put up with it long enough. i just dont see why somebody just cant agree to disagree, like i have done with their beliefs...oh yeah its because some people are just more arrogant then others, and are not content until everyone is living in line with their beliefs, and completely disregarding an individuals free will to believe in what they want to. the irony is, the same individual believes that everyone should be able to do what they want to do, without the constraints of the society/economy/organisation puts upon them....so according to that - i should be able to believe in what i want to?

anyways, that has put me in an awful mood, i just cant hack the barrage of insensitive questions, banter, confrontations, abuse that i get anymore. as if i need anymore stress. its rude, hurtful, arrogant and upsetting.

as promised, i am now going to tell you about my weekend, and why i am in a lot of pain - and ben its not funny - it really hurts, and you putting your hand in boiling water was your fault - you rang me remember, how dare you say i distracted you.

ok, friday has nothing to do with it, but i think i should just mention that it was on this day when i found out i had passed my exams - wohoo!

on saturday, my parents and my nan came up to visit, so i got up really early so that i could tidy my room - i really was needed! we went around the lake, to the downs, and the millenium garden, and then went to a really nice pub for lunch, where babcia rediscovered her liking for cider! they then took me to sainsburys where i took the opportunity to really stock up on the things that i needed.

they soon left, and then i heard about a critical thoery gathering that was occuring, so i went with the intention that they were not to talk about critical theory as i dont understand it at all, its all long words that i just dont get...so my plan actually worked, and i havnt laughed as much as i did for a really long time, and i really had a good night, even though i did fall asleep for about an hour at the end, as i was just so tired.

it was my tiredness (and resulting laziness) which means that i am hurting a lot. i really didnt want to walk home, so decided to get a backy on adrians bike - and that lasted for about 30 seconds, until i landed in the middle of the road. the last thing i remember is bashing my chin, then waking up in a wee bit of shock, and crying cos i was in pain - it was the really snotty type of crying too. an ambualnce came, and they were not going to take me to hospital until they noticed that my little finger on my right hand was hanging at a strange angle! so to a&e in the ambulance with adrian and andy i went - have to add here that andy was very excited about the whole ambulance ride, and that paramedics thought that backy was some type of drug and not a lift on a bike (just to say that i dont take drugs and dont smoke - hate them both).

in a&e i had an x-ray of my hand, and they did various checks to make sure i had no broken ribs or breatbone (as dramatic bruising had started to develop), and as i had dislocated said little finger i had gas and air while they popped it back into place! so now i just have nice bruising on my chin and mouth (lucky no teeth were knocked out), and even a great bruise in my mouth which really hurts when i eat. i have a nice bruise on my breastbone, and very saw ribs, a bruised hip, grazed shoulder, and various bruises on my legs. finally got home at 7:30 sunday morning - it would have been quicker to walk! but one thing i learnt from this, other than not to be lazy is that the inside of your mouth bruises - i so never knew that!

yesterday was so tired as the pain killers given made me very drowsy, and just general lack of sleep, but adrian made me a lush tea - mmm!
today i think the actual pain is coming through...my bones really hurt, it really hurts when i laugh, sneeze, have to breathe deeply, and it really hurts when i move my arm above a certain height which sux as it makes tying my hair back quite hard, and even showering is a right pain.

as i said almost didnt go to my assessments today, but did in the end, had warned my supervisor steve that i may not be able to go, but i did, and when he saw me he did have a laugh, until he saw the extent of my bruising and that o was actually in a lot of pain.

have done some of my homework for my assessment tonight - the main thing i need for tomorrow is done
and some other good news is that one of the temping agencies that i wrote to about gaining access to their clients, has very helpfully agreed to help me in my search which made me very happy indeed!

i just want to say thanks to adrian and andy for coming to the hospital with me, and keeping me sane there...adrian for the choc and the yummy food - it seriously was yum - the pasta was amazing (just to let everyone else know, adrian makes his own pasta), enrique for the yummy cheesecake- had another bit today, and God really for being there looking after me on my fall so i didnt bash my head, or do any seriuos damage to myself.

will blog more about the weekends events later, just to say that this morning i woke up in a lot of pain, and felt very sick and sore, and even contemplated missing my assessments today (and for someone who has never missed a lecture thats huge), but am going even though i nearly vomitted in the shower- side effects of pain killers...

am feeling very lethargic the whole time - i do nothing, and yet still feel the need to nap! oh well.
have now reached the 30 article mark for the project - yep i have read 30 articles regarding temporary workers and agencies! i feel quite proud which is good! have also been looking at some of the assessment for the consultancy workshop that I have to do, and have been brainstorming a few ideas for one of them, hopefully will be meetign with people from my team, to go over the ideas that we had developed so that we can write it up. this week is the level A assesement week, which is going to be hardcore, but worthwhile when i fingers crossed pass it!

good news - it made me cry, sbosh (my team mate from africa), is in england, and i spoke to him on thursday night which was just amazing, and i was so happy to speak to him, that i did cry, and it was just so surreal, but absolutely awesome..will be teary when i meet him aswell, but hey thats the way it goes!

bad news - the doctor wants some more blood from me - have asked dave why this could be, he seems to think that it may be because they want to do some more tests about my iron levels, as i may have anaemia - its not confirmed, but its most probably - and would provide an explanation for my lethargy...

other than that, not much is going on, just have to battle through these next few months, and hopefully gain a qualification at the end!

Oh my gosh, my mood has been so crazy recently its just silly, I may have to do what somebody texted me, I think that it will help big time. well, the second day of the workshop yesterday, I actually really enjoyed, I think that i may have got more out of it then I thought that I would, and found ot very interesting, and the ideas that we came up with as a group were really good. And I had a smile on my face all the way home, as the facilitator said to me at the end that she had been very impressed with my contribution and once again came up with very interesting and relevant points, so that made me happy.

have had other things on my mind, and so have been keeping myself to myself and not imposing my hormonal mine field onto other people in Cloister - i dont feel its fair, i just have to get over my stupid insecurities myself, and tell my stupid head not to think in certain ways as it really is pissing me off more than i can ever imagine. and its strange, as its not the same thing tha has been annoying me over the last few months, this is something new.

Have got a meeting with Katy and Jess today, as they are not going to be at church on sunday, and so Izzy and I are taking over their singing roles, but they are amazing (and i actually mean amazing - they are music graduates), and so feel a tad scared, as my singing is like karaoke in comparison to theirs! oh well never mind! we shall see what happens on sunday...

um, so new flower/tree must have unleashed all its pollen recently as i am sneezing like there is no tomorrow which is not very pleasant. anyways, back to work now.....

ok, well i have passed my ethics which is good - i can get going with my project which is good - time to send out letters to temping agencies.

thank you to Ben - that was such a lovely surprise, and sure made me smile when i was having a bad day - it was brilliant, and some of the words are beautiful.

today, we had a workshop today about consultancy skills, it was being run by my tutor, who knows me as being a retard and so was surprised when she saw it was me speaking out loud - so much so, during the lunch break she came up to me, and said well done for what i had said, so i was quite pleased with that.

but other things have been on my mind today, and since being home i have been very teary and crying and then the stupid fire alarm went off cos my retard housemates dont close the door when they are cooking so it stinks out everything. am just in a mood, i will snap out of it i know, but at the moment, something different to what i have normally been going on about has just got to me today, really badly.

just so you all know, and are not at all worried - blood pressure is fine, pupil reactions are fine, the rash on my arms is predicted heat rash, but four little bottles of blood were taken from my arm checking for things like iron and stuff (my mum told me off for turning veggie and not looking after myself properly!)

so we shall wait and see.

my tutor is all of a sudden randomly contacting me and making sure i am ok - will be seeing her this week anyways, as she is running the module workshop thinh! hurrah!

anyways, work time
xx

its been a busy week, and i havnt blogged any of it - sorry.

well i have completed 110/180 credits of my masters - a wohoo! i wrote an essay this week - it wasnt the best as after exams i was just beyond the point of caring. i also gave in my proposal..i saw my supervisor at church today, and she said that she really liked the sound of my project which is cool, and they are just checking the ethics tomorrow which will be cool. if anyone is interested - my project is "why do people undertake temporary work? an exploratory study into the nature of temporary agency work", so i will be having to do focus groups/semi-structured interviews, and my analysis will be all qualitative...which is why it may shock people that this week i also completed an spss workshop. i wasnt going to go, but then decided that it may be worth my while, and a good thing to have on my cv. i actually really enjoyed it - steve and iain ran it which was jolly good, and i had a laugh with them, especially on the last day as there were only a handful of people there - but it was good, and i actually remembered loads and i havnt used spss for over two years! once learnt never forgotton!

yesterday was quite exciting - for all the wrong reasons. i was working in the morning, and then worked while the football was on, and then after i went to sainsburys - all fine, nothing exciting i hear you cry!!! until that is when i got to the checkout, and fainted whilst packing my bags, i kindof collapsed onto my shopping...the next thing i knew was that i was being guided by a few members of staff to some chairs, and there was a lot of calling for first aiders! i felt very stupid, as when asking for my address i couldnt remember some of it, and i was shaking, and i was apologising a lot. still dont know what caused it, but dave and andy very kindly came to get me and take me home, and then i slept for a long time. i then made an appearance at lauras leaving do, and just laughed a lot about what happened - it is funny looking back at it! the funny thing was they said my ankles looked puffy and had water retention, so after finding out that I am not pregnant, stated that it may just be because of the hot weather, or that i just had fat ankles! i like to think its just because it was hot! and i seemed to have been quite happy that they gave me a free glass of water!

have been doing some reading for my literature review part of my project, as cant do much until i get the afore mentioned ethics clearance, and i have another module this week, and then my professional assessments! brilliant!

this week, God answered some of my questions, but He gave me the answer that I didnt want, and i did get quite angry and moody for a bit, but its all ok now, i have chatted it over with a few people, and its all good, just why i didnt get this answer a few months ago still confuses me, but hey.

and also, i was talking to the self-proclaimed only male catholic catch in exeter this week, who told me that he wouldnt blog some of my comments, but then went to tell people anyways...oh you, well just for pay back time, if there are other catholic men in exeter, you can abuse him back, as your faces are offensive apparently!

thats about it, am job hunting too, need to find something occ psych related...and just have to make sure i stay healthy - have a docs tomorrow anyway, so will see what happens

have not blogged for a while, so will give a quick update as to what has been occuring in my life recently. i dont like the new self-scan things that they have in sainsburys, it takes away the poitn of people being paid to do that kind of thing. i felt that i should have a name badge saying zosia on it...am quite gutted as i missed out on a cd that i have been wanting for ahes on ebay yesterday - it was by rebecca st james, and is usually quite expensive, but it was going for really cheap, but some bastard got in there just before it timed ot, so i was quite angry about that yesterday. have been doing good old essay research, which has been as fun as you can imagine - i keep on having dreams that the answers that i wrote in my exams wer all wrng which hasnt been very good for the old stress and depression i am telling you, and i know that i cannot live by these type of dreams but it does get me down a bit. i just hope that human factors in vr does include presence....some of my arguemnets would work, as i mentioned a study that was about attention and presence, and so human factors of attentions would effect the virtusal environment, and sickness takes away the enjoyment thought needed to take part in vr! but its all just a mess really.

apart from that the usual stuff has been on my mind, and still no outcome ahs been seen - I am really praying taht God will give me someguidance about this issue soon, as i am going slightly crazy abut it all. went to town the other day and got some earrings which i have been beeding recently, as i have seemed to have lost quite a few pairs recently which is annoying. i had a picnic with my cell group on firday, we kindof got rained on though, so we had to move it inside, but we looked like right troffers with the number of biscuits and dougnuts that we had! but i was good - i only had onr dough ut and that was it! i think i have put on some weigth over exams, so i am trying to be carefull for a bit. thast all for now i think...oh i have just finished my proposal and ethincs for my project which was supposed to be given in three weeks ago - what a shame...its done now, and they will get it on wednesday..its not very exciting, so they will just have to read pages of boredome.

take care evreyone i hope that you are all fine and dandy, am off to start writng an essay - maybe after i have watch an episode of er!

at the moment i am going crazy...last night i had a really vivid dream about my stats exam and that people were ripping my research design to shreds, and now i am just full of doubt as to what i suggested as my research design, and have just excepted the fact that i will be back in september doing that paper which is just making me feel so sick...i am desperately trying to remember if i actually wrote some of the stuff that i think that i wrote - like i sure hope i wrote about the practical problem of conducting focus groups in the population that i was researching....anyways, i just want to forget about it now, and just move on to the next bit of work that i am workign towards now...it is juts driving me crazy - i hate it when i have such vivid dreams that make me go crazy, it just upsets me that i take these things to heart so much - i know that stats was my weak point, i really do just hope that i have done enough to scrape a pass because i will be so gutted if i have to resit - so upset,

anyways back to essay research, but there are other things that are upsetting me at the moment also, and its all to do with me and my uselessness at sorting things out for myself, as i am too damn lame, and its just beginning to piss me off more than i can even imagine.

yesterdays exam was a shocker...really bad. when talking to ellie yesterday on msn in one essay i went on about presence for half of my essay when i dont know if it even should have been mentioned! oh well...i just thought that it was a challenge to human factors on virtual environments as we dont know how to measure it and how people experience it...oh well never mind....

today is my worst exam, quantitative and qualitative research collection and analysis methods - awful! ita going to be a killer of an exam so we may have to see this paper in september again! still revising it! anyways, better get back to it...see me at 3:30 i will be asleep somewhere as i am so tired its untrue..late nights and early mornings due to revision doesnt make zosia happy.

not in a good mood this morning, keep on having mental blocks as to information and i am very scared....at one point i couldnt stop physically shaking for a long while, and i was crying...not so good. i knew this last night, why dont i know it now??? oh dear, looks like this will be a waffly exam for sure...can we pray that nice questions regarding participatory ergonimics and virtual reality come up please

today i realised just how boring participatory ergonmics was, and how in the exam i may just fall asleep when answering the question because it is soooo dull! and it just doesnt want to stick in my head, so i may be waffling somewhat! virtual reality is slightly more interesting, and thats only because i imagine what i would look like wearing one of the silly head mounted displays....oh my life has just got incurably sad.

changed into my pjs at five, so have stayed in my flat! our kitchen was a work room for agatha biibi and i, and then gharima made some lovely pakoras for us which were really yummy!

um, really not much else - am glad i have tomorrow morning to go over these topics - i really need it, and for once i am not just saying that!

i have been trapped in the bedroom of statistics hell today, and i havnt enjoyed it! its been awful! but hey ho, by tuesday it will be done. tomorrow will be an ergonomics hell, but at least that kindof has a point (somewhat limited but a point is there somewhere!).
nothing much interesting has happened..although flat four had an egg explosion after ocean put his eggs on to boil and then left them...for a long time. i was on an exploration of cloister to figure out where the burning smell was coming from! its good to know that the smoke alarms work so well, as none were activated..

anyways, tea time, before back to the stats
xxx

botched up the timing in my exam, was gutted, am feeling pretty crappy about it...damn it.
um, have just had a massive throw out of stuff in my kitchen as there were six of us in there, so we went through the freezer fridge, stuff on the table and in cupboards - we then moved out the washing machine to find belongigns behind there, so with the help of an umbrella i got them out.

decided am not going to dan the grandads birthday ( he is 26 today), but i gave him an IOU birthday drink to which he has already responded that he is going to hold me to it...typical of the tight scottish bastard!

other thing have gotton me a bit down recently, but three down two to go, the end of exams are in sight...till resits in september anyways!

am tired, but am still doing qualitative stats tonight, and i want to read through ergonomics tonight too...might go to the chippy for some chips for tea - i am really craving them

xxx

have been revising since eight this morning, finished at just gone 11 last night...am tired and stressed as i have had two awful nights sleep in a row, even though i am exhausted...am beginning to think it may be the lucozade i have during exams, as i dont usually intake any caffeine into my system...anyways, feel nervius about this one - its more a timing issue than an info issue i think, for both topics i have revised there is so much i could say thats interesting and useful. um, tonight you would think that i was resting, but no, am going to be doing qualitative revision for stats, and looking over my ergonomics notes for monday...

anyways, back to revision, have about 90 mins before i leave for campus....

God is doing me proud at the moment. came out of todays exam with a smile on my face - if i had a bit more time then i could have written a bit more for both, but i was quite happy with what i have done - managed to display extra reading for both, and i like the way that in nottingham they encourage you to put headings in essays, as that really does help with my structure of my essay so i dont just ramble about any old point.

right, prayers for tomorrow - well its a 1:30 exam so i have less time to cram in the morning, but can we pray that training evaluation comes up, and that 360 degree appraiasal comes up (this one still needs a wee bit of work on the morning!)

cheers..the end of exams are nearly in sight...my handwriting is becoming less legible as the exams go on - pity the fools on tuesday who will be marking the last exam!

take care to anyone else doing exams etc - they are a bugger but we will get through them! and hey - there are always re-sits!

so exam number two at 4:30 today! please pray that teams come up (well teams will come up - in fact two questions about teams will come up) but please can we pray that the questions will be nice, and that i will be able to make the right decision about which one to answer, and that a nice question about models of chnage come up. am doing some cramming now, as i have to, but i am liking this topic more than yesterday, and so do become more engrossed into it.

anyways, better get back to the old revision, feel a bit sick but i know that they are just nerves feeling, but this is not a s bad as i feel when i am outside the room, and waiting to turn over the page...

but hey ho...its nearly over then i can sleep...slept awfully last night, really awfully and i hate rubbish sleeping

1 done, 4 to go, have been revising for the one tomorrow. todays was ok, i know that i could have written better answers if i had the time to, but hey, i have shown evidence of extra reading and stuff that he didnt mention in lectures, so we shall see what happens. had a very nice invigulator too (dont know how you spell that word). um...and i popped down to chapel and cell group were still there which was mega cool, so had a quick pray with them, and they all prayed for me and my exams which was truly fabo...

and to top off the day - dave got us rhubarb and apple crumbles which were very yummy, especially as mine was swimming in custard! it was just what zosia's belly had ordered!

anyways, back to revision - can we pray that a nice question about models of change and teams come up tomorrow please - then i will be a happier bunny.

xxx

scared, scared scared. have just managed to eat something, but i feel very sick...still over three hours before the exam begins - its sux man! anyways, will read over my notes a few more times,but i am in the mindset of if i dont know it now, i never will!
anyways, hate exams - not a test of knowledge, a test of memory. and ben call me a whimp if you want, but these exams a biggies for me...and five in a row sux

first exam tomorrow, am pooing my pants really as its the topic that is crazy - but also saw my tutors about an exam next week, came home and cried about that for two hours as its a mare...right guys, prayers for tomorrow - can we pray persomality assessment comes up, ethical selection comes up and assessment centres come up as they are the three topics that i have prepared and i only need to do two! so lets pray. and while we are here, will ask you to start praying for stats next week that in section b, grounded theory and interviews or focus groups come up...

um, its not till 4:30 tomorrow so i have all day to get worked up and also to get the last pieces of knowledge in my head

well better get a good nights sleep
thanks for the phone call benjamin - it had been far too long

take care
xxx

its going to be a hectic week, with exams wednesday thursday and friday, i am kind of dreading this week happening. seeing more tutors on tuesday to go over a wee bit of work that i am having some trouble with which will be very helpful. just prayers please, that my risky revision strategies will have paid off, thats the most important, as somebody said to me today - its all in Gods hands (well done katy!)

have had two days of awful revision which have not made me happy - i keep on getting awful headaches and trying to battle through them - today i gave up and went to sleep for an hour, and did feel better for doing so. all i can do is try my best at the end of the day - i am not going to put high expectations on myself, i cant - i dont want to be disappointed come results. am just really worried - prayers please!

also, have been trying to figure out another awkward situation i am in, and the more i think about it, the more confused i get, and i am going round in circles, but at the end of the day i dont want to hurt the people involved, and i dont want to hurt myself either, so its not too good.

um, thats all for now, bed time now, church tomorrow, and then hopefully that prayer will have me all fired up for the rest of the day

was scared by my stats lecturer today - very scared, so am knuckling down - have just done two hours of reading as to how to do good research,and made some revision notes - this is officially the worst exam i think...

anyways, what doesnt kill you makes you stronger - have been learning that in many ways over the past few days.

a line from a hymn:

Will you love the 'you' you hide if i but call your name?
Will you qwell the fear inside and never be the same

loved it when we sang it ages ago, and have my prayer book with me on campus today, and so thought it was relevant to how i have been feeling recently

the last few days we have been having revision lectures, and sometimes i wish that people would gag me when i am in these, as i feel the need to say things, even though it makes me look like a prawn, or that i know the topic really well...the thing is i read my notes just before going into these lectures and so i make myself sound intelligent, when really i am not.

have been upset my a few things recently. my emotions are silly - can laugh a lot, then i cry a lot, its all up and down. am fed up, bored of revision, bored of things on my mind just going round and round, and just having a bit of a down time at the moment. most people are being very kind and understanding even though i am being a moody fuckwit at the moment, and for them i am truly thankful. my worst exams revision lecture at the moment, and so i am going to be very quiet in that lecture, and soak in all the knowledge that i can get.

am defering the handing in of my proposal for sure now. Iain - the dude - he is a dude has okayed it with me and the department - and for that i am truly thankful. so that allows me just to focus on the old exams. i am going to see steve some day this week too - that should be helpful.

other than that, just a bit down...just trying to battle on, have got stuff on my mind - the same stuff as before that i have to think about and really decide what i want, and what will be good to me, some people have given me advice on this, mixed advice, mixed support and annoyance, and i know i am going to have to make my mind up, its not the easiest things for me.

anyways, enough criptic shite, back to ethics in selection

ok - its stupid how fast time is just going? i cant believe it - the phrase says time flies when your having fun - but i am not having that much fun, so time just shouldnt be flying like this! i mean, now its only ten days till first exam...my mum told me tonight to not work so hard that the work is stale - i assured her that would not happen, as some things i am literally reading for the first time - which is not clever but the way things go!
so in this last week - nottingham has finally seen some sun and a sense of spring - although its rained this week, its been the summer rain, and even smells of summer rain which is ok! i have been doing 9-6 days in the library - i find the Hallward a nice library to work in, and there are some fit men in there too!
um, i was also offered the chance to defer some of my exams - not a choice that is as easy as it sounds...i decided not to defer any of the exams, but i have asked if i can defer the handing in of my project proposal so that I can just focus on my exams for now...i shall hear back soon, the only problem with that is the ethics decision, but we shall wait and see. but, during that meeting with the disabiloty officer, i also had the chance to show him the revision notes that i had done, and he said that they were ok, and now its just a chance to learn it! am now on beta blockers again too - have changed to a nicer doctor who actually listened to what i was saying which was a blessing.
had cell group outside this week which was really nice...really nice actually. i look forward to that part of wednesday, it really relaxes me...great company, biscuits, good conversation and prayer, cant get much better than that! and then the next few days after leaving the library, i have gone to sit on the bank above the lake for half an hour on the evening sun, having a pray and a think, and just some time out which has been lovely - couldnt do it today because of the rain!
have a few things on my mind, and some situations that i am trying very hard to resolve, but am not getting much help from anybody about them, which is very hard...even God doesnt seem to be doing much (well He maybe is telling me to be patient, and wait and see - but i am ignoring that), and so that is hard. my gran cried down the phone again today, i really dont know what to say when that happens, and it saddens me a lot. i have asked my parents that when my exams and essay are done, that they bring babcia up for the weekend to see me, as she never got to visit me at my last uni, so she can now.
speaking of exeter, am missing that now too. am thinking of all of you in your last year - i know that it really sux to leave the place, especially the chaplaincy, you are all in my thoughts. ben your tops, but get your house phone fixed my darling, and ed and han, i hope that things are both looking good for you too - thinking and praying for you all
take care, back to the old revision for me now!
what joy!
oh - i did win a series of ER on ebay yesterday - am very happy about that - what a treat for after exams
xxx

what a stupidly hard day of work i have done today...was in the library at nine, had some time out for lunch with ellie, and then worked till five - checked my emails and did some research on campus, came home foe simpsons, revised, and after tea instead of watching telly, i got down to writing my research proposal for my applied research project this summer - if you ask me its sounds interesting, but then i have turned boring at the moment, and am a bit of a work whore...want to get these exams done and dusted now, i can see this really dragging on in a very boring fashion. but only 22 days to go, and have promised myself a treat for when exams are over - a series of er on dvd - the ultimate treat! and hopefully it will be deserved...what my treat will be on the 31st of august is as of yet undecided, but september the 1st will be a hangover to look out for!

anyways, time to make me bed up and go to bed...last lecture (excluding revision lectures) tomorrow!