as promised, i am now going to tell you about my weekend, and why i am in a lot of pain - and ben its not funny - it really hurts, and you putting your hand in boiling water was your fault - you rang me remember, how dare you say i distracted you.

ok, friday has nothing to do with it, but i think i should just mention that it was on this day when i found out i had passed my exams - wohoo!

on saturday, my parents and my nan came up to visit, so i got up really early so that i could tidy my room - i really was needed! we went around the lake, to the downs, and the millenium garden, and then went to a really nice pub for lunch, where babcia rediscovered her liking for cider! they then took me to sainsburys where i took the opportunity to really stock up on the things that i needed.

they soon left, and then i heard about a critical thoery gathering that was occuring, so i went with the intention that they were not to talk about critical theory as i dont understand it at all, its all long words that i just dont get...so my plan actually worked, and i havnt laughed as much as i did for a really long time, and i really had a good night, even though i did fall asleep for about an hour at the end, as i was just so tired.

it was my tiredness (and resulting laziness) which means that i am hurting a lot. i really didnt want to walk home, so decided to get a backy on adrians bike - and that lasted for about 30 seconds, until i landed in the middle of the road. the last thing i remember is bashing my chin, then waking up in a wee bit of shock, and crying cos i was in pain - it was the really snotty type of crying too. an ambualnce came, and they were not going to take me to hospital until they noticed that my little finger on my right hand was hanging at a strange angle! so to a&e in the ambulance with adrian and andy i went - have to add here that andy was very excited about the whole ambulance ride, and that paramedics thought that backy was some type of drug and not a lift on a bike (just to say that i dont take drugs and dont smoke - hate them both).

in a&e i had an x-ray of my hand, and they did various checks to make sure i had no broken ribs or breatbone (as dramatic bruising had started to develop), and as i had dislocated said little finger i had gas and air while they popped it back into place! so now i just have nice bruising on my chin and mouth (lucky no teeth were knocked out), and even a great bruise in my mouth which really hurts when i eat. i have a nice bruise on my breastbone, and very saw ribs, a bruised hip, grazed shoulder, and various bruises on my legs. finally got home at 7:30 sunday morning - it would have been quicker to walk! but one thing i learnt from this, other than not to be lazy is that the inside of your mouth bruises - i so never knew that!

yesterday was so tired as the pain killers given made me very drowsy, and just general lack of sleep, but adrian made me a lush tea - mmm!
today i think the actual pain is coming through...my bones really hurt, it really hurts when i laugh, sneeze, have to breathe deeply, and it really hurts when i move my arm above a certain height which sux as it makes tying my hair back quite hard, and even showering is a right pain.

as i said almost didnt go to my assessments today, but did in the end, had warned my supervisor steve that i may not be able to go, but i did, and when he saw me he did have a laugh, until he saw the extent of my bruising and that o was actually in a lot of pain.

have done some of my homework for my assessment tonight - the main thing i need for tomorrow is done
and some other good news is that one of the temping agencies that i wrote to about gaining access to their clients, has very helpfully agreed to help me in my search which made me very happy indeed!

i just want to say thanks to adrian and andy for coming to the hospital with me, and keeping me sane there...adrian for the choc and the yummy food - it seriously was yum - the pasta was amazing (just to let everyone else know, adrian makes his own pasta), enrique for the yummy cheesecake- had another bit today, and God really for being there looking after me on my fall so i didnt bash my head, or do any seriuos damage to myself.

will blog more about the weekends events later, just to say that this morning i woke up in a lot of pain, and felt very sick and sore, and even contemplated missing my assessments today (and for someone who has never missed a lecture thats huge), but am going even though i nearly vomitted in the shower- side effects of pain killers...

am feeling very lethargic the whole time - i do nothing, and yet still feel the need to nap! oh well.
have now reached the 30 article mark for the project - yep i have read 30 articles regarding temporary workers and agencies! i feel quite proud which is good! have also been looking at some of the assessment for the consultancy workshop that I have to do, and have been brainstorming a few ideas for one of them, hopefully will be meetign with people from my team, to go over the ideas that we had developed so that we can write it up. this week is the level A assesement week, which is going to be hardcore, but worthwhile when i fingers crossed pass it!

good news - it made me cry, sbosh (my team mate from africa), is in england, and i spoke to him on thursday night which was just amazing, and i was so happy to speak to him, that i did cry, and it was just so surreal, but absolutely awesome..will be teary when i meet him aswell, but hey thats the way it goes!

bad news - the doctor wants some more blood from me - have asked dave why this could be, he seems to think that it may be because they want to do some more tests about my iron levels, as i may have anaemia - its not confirmed, but its most probably - and would provide an explanation for my lethargy...

other than that, not much is going on, just have to battle through these next few months, and hopefully gain a qualification at the end!

Oh my gosh, my mood has been so crazy recently its just silly, I may have to do what somebody texted me, I think that it will help big time. well, the second day of the workshop yesterday, I actually really enjoyed, I think that i may have got more out of it then I thought that I would, and found ot very interesting, and the ideas that we came up with as a group were really good. And I had a smile on my face all the way home, as the facilitator said to me at the end that she had been very impressed with my contribution and once again came up with very interesting and relevant points, so that made me happy.

have had other things on my mind, and so have been keeping myself to myself and not imposing my hormonal mine field onto other people in Cloister - i dont feel its fair, i just have to get over my stupid insecurities myself, and tell my stupid head not to think in certain ways as it really is pissing me off more than i can ever imagine. and its strange, as its not the same thing tha has been annoying me over the last few months, this is something new.

Have got a meeting with Katy and Jess today, as they are not going to be at church on sunday, and so Izzy and I are taking over their singing roles, but they are amazing (and i actually mean amazing - they are music graduates), and so feel a tad scared, as my singing is like karaoke in comparison to theirs! oh well never mind! we shall see what happens on sunday...

um, so new flower/tree must have unleashed all its pollen recently as i am sneezing like there is no tomorrow which is not very pleasant. anyways, back to work now.....

ok, well i have passed my ethics which is good - i can get going with my project which is good - time to send out letters to temping agencies.

thank you to Ben - that was such a lovely surprise, and sure made me smile when i was having a bad day - it was brilliant, and some of the words are beautiful.

today, we had a workshop today about consultancy skills, it was being run by my tutor, who knows me as being a retard and so was surprised when she saw it was me speaking out loud - so much so, during the lunch break she came up to me, and said well done for what i had said, so i was quite pleased with that.

but other things have been on my mind today, and since being home i have been very teary and crying and then the stupid fire alarm went off cos my retard housemates dont close the door when they are cooking so it stinks out everything. am just in a mood, i will snap out of it i know, but at the moment, something different to what i have normally been going on about has just got to me today, really badly.

just so you all know, and are not at all worried - blood pressure is fine, pupil reactions are fine, the rash on my arms is predicted heat rash, but four little bottles of blood were taken from my arm checking for things like iron and stuff (my mum told me off for turning veggie and not looking after myself properly!)

so we shall wait and see.

my tutor is all of a sudden randomly contacting me and making sure i am ok - will be seeing her this week anyways, as she is running the module workshop thinh! hurrah!

anyways, work time
xx

its been a busy week, and i havnt blogged any of it - sorry.

well i have completed 110/180 credits of my masters - a wohoo! i wrote an essay this week - it wasnt the best as after exams i was just beyond the point of caring. i also gave in my proposal..i saw my supervisor at church today, and she said that she really liked the sound of my project which is cool, and they are just checking the ethics tomorrow which will be cool. if anyone is interested - my project is "why do people undertake temporary work? an exploratory study into the nature of temporary agency work", so i will be having to do focus groups/semi-structured interviews, and my analysis will be all qualitative...which is why it may shock people that this week i also completed an spss workshop. i wasnt going to go, but then decided that it may be worth my while, and a good thing to have on my cv. i actually really enjoyed it - steve and iain ran it which was jolly good, and i had a laugh with them, especially on the last day as there were only a handful of people there - but it was good, and i actually remembered loads and i havnt used spss for over two years! once learnt never forgotton!

yesterday was quite exciting - for all the wrong reasons. i was working in the morning, and then worked while the football was on, and then after i went to sainsburys - all fine, nothing exciting i hear you cry!!! until that is when i got to the checkout, and fainted whilst packing my bags, i kindof collapsed onto my shopping...the next thing i knew was that i was being guided by a few members of staff to some chairs, and there was a lot of calling for first aiders! i felt very stupid, as when asking for my address i couldnt remember some of it, and i was shaking, and i was apologising a lot. still dont know what caused it, but dave and andy very kindly came to get me and take me home, and then i slept for a long time. i then made an appearance at lauras leaving do, and just laughed a lot about what happened - it is funny looking back at it! the funny thing was they said my ankles looked puffy and had water retention, so after finding out that I am not pregnant, stated that it may just be because of the hot weather, or that i just had fat ankles! i like to think its just because it was hot! and i seemed to have been quite happy that they gave me a free glass of water!

have been doing some reading for my literature review part of my project, as cant do much until i get the afore mentioned ethics clearance, and i have another module this week, and then my professional assessments! brilliant!

this week, God answered some of my questions, but He gave me the answer that I didnt want, and i did get quite angry and moody for a bit, but its all ok now, i have chatted it over with a few people, and its all good, just why i didnt get this answer a few months ago still confuses me, but hey.

and also, i was talking to the self-proclaimed only male catholic catch in exeter this week, who told me that he wouldnt blog some of my comments, but then went to tell people anyways...oh you, well just for pay back time, if there are other catholic men in exeter, you can abuse him back, as your faces are offensive apparently!

thats about it, am job hunting too, need to find something occ psych related...and just have to make sure i stay healthy - have a docs tomorrow anyway, so will see what happens

have not blogged for a while, so will give a quick update as to what has been occuring in my life recently. i dont like the new self-scan things that they have in sainsburys, it takes away the poitn of people being paid to do that kind of thing. i felt that i should have a name badge saying zosia on it...am quite gutted as i missed out on a cd that i have been wanting for ahes on ebay yesterday - it was by rebecca st james, and is usually quite expensive, but it was going for really cheap, but some bastard got in there just before it timed ot, so i was quite angry about that yesterday. have been doing good old essay research, which has been as fun as you can imagine - i keep on having dreams that the answers that i wrote in my exams wer all wrng which hasnt been very good for the old stress and depression i am telling you, and i know that i cannot live by these type of dreams but it does get me down a bit. i just hope that human factors in vr does include presence....some of my arguemnets would work, as i mentioned a study that was about attention and presence, and so human factors of attentions would effect the virtusal environment, and sickness takes away the enjoyment thought needed to take part in vr! but its all just a mess really.

apart from that the usual stuff has been on my mind, and still no outcome ahs been seen - I am really praying taht God will give me someguidance about this issue soon, as i am going slightly crazy abut it all. went to town the other day and got some earrings which i have been beeding recently, as i have seemed to have lost quite a few pairs recently which is annoying. i had a picnic with my cell group on firday, we kindof got rained on though, so we had to move it inside, but we looked like right troffers with the number of biscuits and dougnuts that we had! but i was good - i only had onr dough ut and that was it! i think i have put on some weigth over exams, so i am trying to be carefull for a bit. thast all for now i think...oh i have just finished my proposal and ethincs for my project which was supposed to be given in three weeks ago - what a shame...its done now, and they will get it on wednesday..its not very exciting, so they will just have to read pages of boredome.

take care evreyone i hope that you are all fine and dandy, am off to start writng an essay - maybe after i have watch an episode of er!

at the moment i am going crazy...last night i had a really vivid dream about my stats exam and that people were ripping my research design to shreds, and now i am just full of doubt as to what i suggested as my research design, and have just excepted the fact that i will be back in september doing that paper which is just making me feel so sick...i am desperately trying to remember if i actually wrote some of the stuff that i think that i wrote - like i sure hope i wrote about the practical problem of conducting focus groups in the population that i was researching....anyways, i just want to forget about it now, and just move on to the next bit of work that i am workign towards now...it is juts driving me crazy - i hate it when i have such vivid dreams that make me go crazy, it just upsets me that i take these things to heart so much - i know that stats was my weak point, i really do just hope that i have done enough to scrape a pass because i will be so gutted if i have to resit - so upset,

anyways back to essay research, but there are other things that are upsetting me at the moment also, and its all to do with me and my uselessness at sorting things out for myself, as i am too damn lame, and its just beginning to piss me off more than i can even imagine.

yesterdays exam was a shocker...really bad. when talking to ellie yesterday on msn in one essay i went on about presence for half of my essay when i dont know if it even should have been mentioned! oh well...i just thought that it was a challenge to human factors on virtual environments as we dont know how to measure it and how people experience it...oh well never mind....

today is my worst exam, quantitative and qualitative research collection and analysis methods - awful! ita going to be a killer of an exam so we may have to see this paper in september again! still revising it! anyways, better get back to it...see me at 3:30 i will be asleep somewhere as i am so tired its untrue..late nights and early mornings due to revision doesnt make zosia happy.

not in a good mood this morning, keep on having mental blocks as to information and i am very scared....at one point i couldnt stop physically shaking for a long while, and i was crying...not so good. i knew this last night, why dont i know it now??? oh dear, looks like this will be a waffly exam for sure...can we pray that nice questions regarding participatory ergonimics and virtual reality come up please

today i realised just how boring participatory ergonmics was, and how in the exam i may just fall asleep when answering the question because it is soooo dull! and it just doesnt want to stick in my head, so i may be waffling somewhat! virtual reality is slightly more interesting, and thats only because i imagine what i would look like wearing one of the silly head mounted displays....oh my life has just got incurably sad.

changed into my pjs at five, so have stayed in my flat! our kitchen was a work room for agatha biibi and i, and then gharima made some lovely pakoras for us which were really yummy!

um, really not much else - am glad i have tomorrow morning to go over these topics - i really need it, and for once i am not just saying that!

i have been trapped in the bedroom of statistics hell today, and i havnt enjoyed it! its been awful! but hey ho, by tuesday it will be done. tomorrow will be an ergonomics hell, but at least that kindof has a point (somewhat limited but a point is there somewhere!).
nothing much interesting has happened..although flat four had an egg explosion after ocean put his eggs on to boil and then left them...for a long time. i was on an exploration of cloister to figure out where the burning smell was coming from! its good to know that the smoke alarms work so well, as none were activated..

anyways, tea time, before back to the stats
xxx

botched up the timing in my exam, was gutted, am feeling pretty crappy about it...damn it.
um, have just had a massive throw out of stuff in my kitchen as there were six of us in there, so we went through the freezer fridge, stuff on the table and in cupboards - we then moved out the washing machine to find belongigns behind there, so with the help of an umbrella i got them out.

decided am not going to dan the grandads birthday ( he is 26 today), but i gave him an IOU birthday drink to which he has already responded that he is going to hold me to it...typical of the tight scottish bastard!

other thing have gotton me a bit down recently, but three down two to go, the end of exams are in sight...till resits in september anyways!

am tired, but am still doing qualitative stats tonight, and i want to read through ergonomics tonight too...might go to the chippy for some chips for tea - i am really craving them

xxx

have been revising since eight this morning, finished at just gone 11 last night...am tired and stressed as i have had two awful nights sleep in a row, even though i am exhausted...am beginning to think it may be the lucozade i have during exams, as i dont usually intake any caffeine into my system...anyways, feel nervius about this one - its more a timing issue than an info issue i think, for both topics i have revised there is so much i could say thats interesting and useful. um, tonight you would think that i was resting, but no, am going to be doing qualitative revision for stats, and looking over my ergonomics notes for monday...

anyways, back to revision, have about 90 mins before i leave for campus....

God is doing me proud at the moment. came out of todays exam with a smile on my face - if i had a bit more time then i could have written a bit more for both, but i was quite happy with what i have done - managed to display extra reading for both, and i like the way that in nottingham they encourage you to put headings in essays, as that really does help with my structure of my essay so i dont just ramble about any old point.

right, prayers for tomorrow - well its a 1:30 exam so i have less time to cram in the morning, but can we pray that training evaluation comes up, and that 360 degree appraiasal comes up (this one still needs a wee bit of work on the morning!)

cheers..the end of exams are nearly in sight...my handwriting is becoming less legible as the exams go on - pity the fools on tuesday who will be marking the last exam!

take care to anyone else doing exams etc - they are a bugger but we will get through them! and hey - there are always re-sits!

so exam number two at 4:30 today! please pray that teams come up (well teams will come up - in fact two questions about teams will come up) but please can we pray that the questions will be nice, and that i will be able to make the right decision about which one to answer, and that a nice question about models of chnage come up. am doing some cramming now, as i have to, but i am liking this topic more than yesterday, and so do become more engrossed into it.

anyways, better get back to the old revision, feel a bit sick but i know that they are just nerves feeling, but this is not a s bad as i feel when i am outside the room, and waiting to turn over the page...

but hey ho...its nearly over then i can sleep...slept awfully last night, really awfully and i hate rubbish sleeping

1 done, 4 to go, have been revising for the one tomorrow. todays was ok, i know that i could have written better answers if i had the time to, but hey, i have shown evidence of extra reading and stuff that he didnt mention in lectures, so we shall see what happens. had a very nice invigulator too (dont know how you spell that word). um...and i popped down to chapel and cell group were still there which was mega cool, so had a quick pray with them, and they all prayed for me and my exams which was truly fabo...

and to top off the day - dave got us rhubarb and apple crumbles which were very yummy, especially as mine was swimming in custard! it was just what zosia's belly had ordered!

anyways, back to revision - can we pray that a nice question about models of change and teams come up tomorrow please - then i will be a happier bunny.

xxx

scared, scared scared. have just managed to eat something, but i feel very sick...still over three hours before the exam begins - its sux man! anyways, will read over my notes a few more times,but i am in the mindset of if i dont know it now, i never will!
anyways, hate exams - not a test of knowledge, a test of memory. and ben call me a whimp if you want, but these exams a biggies for me...and five in a row sux

first exam tomorrow, am pooing my pants really as its the topic that is crazy - but also saw my tutors about an exam next week, came home and cried about that for two hours as its a mare...right guys, prayers for tomorrow - can we pray persomality assessment comes up, ethical selection comes up and assessment centres come up as they are the three topics that i have prepared and i only need to do two! so lets pray. and while we are here, will ask you to start praying for stats next week that in section b, grounded theory and interviews or focus groups come up...

um, its not till 4:30 tomorrow so i have all day to get worked up and also to get the last pieces of knowledge in my head

well better get a good nights sleep
thanks for the phone call benjamin - it had been far too long

take care
xxx

its going to be a hectic week, with exams wednesday thursday and friday, i am kind of dreading this week happening. seeing more tutors on tuesday to go over a wee bit of work that i am having some trouble with which will be very helpful. just prayers please, that my risky revision strategies will have paid off, thats the most important, as somebody said to me today - its all in Gods hands (well done katy!)

have had two days of awful revision which have not made me happy - i keep on getting awful headaches and trying to battle through them - today i gave up and went to sleep for an hour, and did feel better for doing so. all i can do is try my best at the end of the day - i am not going to put high expectations on myself, i cant - i dont want to be disappointed come results. am just really worried - prayers please!

also, have been trying to figure out another awkward situation i am in, and the more i think about it, the more confused i get, and i am going round in circles, but at the end of the day i dont want to hurt the people involved, and i dont want to hurt myself either, so its not too good.

um, thats all for now, bed time now, church tomorrow, and then hopefully that prayer will have me all fired up for the rest of the day

was scared by my stats lecturer today - very scared, so am knuckling down - have just done two hours of reading as to how to do good research,and made some revision notes - this is officially the worst exam i think...

anyways, what doesnt kill you makes you stronger - have been learning that in many ways over the past few days.

a line from a hymn:

Will you love the 'you' you hide if i but call your name?
Will you qwell the fear inside and never be the same

loved it when we sang it ages ago, and have my prayer book with me on campus today, and so thought it was relevant to how i have been feeling recently

the last few days we have been having revision lectures, and sometimes i wish that people would gag me when i am in these, as i feel the need to say things, even though it makes me look like a prawn, or that i know the topic really well...the thing is i read my notes just before going into these lectures and so i make myself sound intelligent, when really i am not.

have been upset my a few things recently. my emotions are silly - can laugh a lot, then i cry a lot, its all up and down. am fed up, bored of revision, bored of things on my mind just going round and round, and just having a bit of a down time at the moment. most people are being very kind and understanding even though i am being a moody fuckwit at the moment, and for them i am truly thankful. my worst exams revision lecture at the moment, and so i am going to be very quiet in that lecture, and soak in all the knowledge that i can get.

am defering the handing in of my proposal for sure now. Iain - the dude - he is a dude has okayed it with me and the department - and for that i am truly thankful. so that allows me just to focus on the old exams. i am going to see steve some day this week too - that should be helpful.

other than that, just a bit down...just trying to battle on, have got stuff on my mind - the same stuff as before that i have to think about and really decide what i want, and what will be good to me, some people have given me advice on this, mixed advice, mixed support and annoyance, and i know i am going to have to make my mind up, its not the easiest things for me.

anyways, enough criptic shite, back to ethics in selection

ok - its stupid how fast time is just going? i cant believe it - the phrase says time flies when your having fun - but i am not having that much fun, so time just shouldnt be flying like this! i mean, now its only ten days till first exam...my mum told me tonight to not work so hard that the work is stale - i assured her that would not happen, as some things i am literally reading for the first time - which is not clever but the way things go!
so in this last week - nottingham has finally seen some sun and a sense of spring - although its rained this week, its been the summer rain, and even smells of summer rain which is ok! i have been doing 9-6 days in the library - i find the Hallward a nice library to work in, and there are some fit men in there too!
um, i was also offered the chance to defer some of my exams - not a choice that is as easy as it sounds...i decided not to defer any of the exams, but i have asked if i can defer the handing in of my project proposal so that I can just focus on my exams for now...i shall hear back soon, the only problem with that is the ethics decision, but we shall wait and see. but, during that meeting with the disabiloty officer, i also had the chance to show him the revision notes that i had done, and he said that they were ok, and now its just a chance to learn it! am now on beta blockers again too - have changed to a nicer doctor who actually listened to what i was saying which was a blessing.
had cell group outside this week which was really nice...really nice actually. i look forward to that part of wednesday, it really relaxes me...great company, biscuits, good conversation and prayer, cant get much better than that! and then the next few days after leaving the library, i have gone to sit on the bank above the lake for half an hour on the evening sun, having a pray and a think, and just some time out which has been lovely - couldnt do it today because of the rain!
have a few things on my mind, and some situations that i am trying very hard to resolve, but am not getting much help from anybody about them, which is very hard...even God doesnt seem to be doing much (well He maybe is telling me to be patient, and wait and see - but i am ignoring that), and so that is hard. my gran cried down the phone again today, i really dont know what to say when that happens, and it saddens me a lot. i have asked my parents that when my exams and essay are done, that they bring babcia up for the weekend to see me, as she never got to visit me at my last uni, so she can now.
speaking of exeter, am missing that now too. am thinking of all of you in your last year - i know that it really sux to leave the place, especially the chaplaincy, you are all in my thoughts. ben your tops, but get your house phone fixed my darling, and ed and han, i hope that things are both looking good for you too - thinking and praying for you all
take care, back to the old revision for me now!
what joy!
oh - i did win a series of ER on ebay yesterday - am very happy about that - what a treat for after exams
xxx

what a stupidly hard day of work i have done today...was in the library at nine, had some time out for lunch with ellie, and then worked till five - checked my emails and did some research on campus, came home foe simpsons, revised, and after tea instead of watching telly, i got down to writing my research proposal for my applied research project this summer - if you ask me its sounds interesting, but then i have turned boring at the moment, and am a bit of a work whore...want to get these exams done and dusted now, i can see this really dragging on in a very boring fashion. but only 22 days to go, and have promised myself a treat for when exams are over - a series of er on dvd - the ultimate treat! and hopefully it will be deserved...what my treat will be on the 31st of august is as of yet undecided, but september the 1st will be a hangover to look out for!

anyways, time to make me bed up and go to bed...last lecture (excluding revision lectures) tomorrow!

today, i have been revising at home - i mean in my room - its been ok, i got sick of my room in the afternoon so went to jons to revise in there. also popped to i-who to give my deposit for my level a and b assessments, and to campus to get a paper.

today, lesotho has been in the news again! a wohoo! Harry has set up a charity to help all the orphans there - fab! this is really what the country needs. I wish people would look past the royal aspect of it, and see what he is actually doing for the country. when i was there last year, and spent my time with those children, and really feeling for them, i wished that i could just do more. when i get down i still think of baby josefa and his little smile and his infectious giggle that was so good to hear. even if it was just a little one it would make me smile, and when he proudly went over to the staff st SU and said - this is Nthabiseng when i was carrying him, was a moment i will never forget - the same as when he told me when i was saying goodbye to him for the last time and trying no to cry - when he said "nthabiseng no go home", you just get touched by things, and it makes you realise that something has to be done so that these children can have a life and have someone love them - surely everyone deserves that? what is really scary is if AIDS contibues at the rate its going, then in ten years time then there wont be a Lesotho - that is a shocking fact. Its a beautiful country, with so much to offer, the people actually have time for you and welcome you, and we have so much to learn from that nation...

was sad this evening when i rang my nan and she cried down the phone to me telling me that she was sad and lonely - i just wish i could have been there and hugged her. we are doing this thing that when we see the stars at night then we say one of them is grandad looking down at us...it just reminds me to the end of the little Prince where the stars remind the pilot of the princes laugh - that bit brings a tear to my eye everytime

anyways, long enough post today...better go and cook some tea soon, good telly is on tonight

today has been a kindof ok day actually, and i feel kindof happy as i write this tonight - ahh, sigh of relief.
this morning got off to a good start, i actually got out of bed when my alarm went off, and didnt put it on sleep for an hour! my meeting with my project supervisor ninna was so productive - i know have clear objectives and my research questions, and more of an idea as to the samples that i will need, and how to collect and analyse my data - and that is now blue tacked to my wall, nicely felt tipped with scented pens!
then i did some revision in the library for five and a half hours, and the topics were quite interesting - i had a few breaks before i am told off - i like the Hallward as you can eat your lunch in the cafe they have there - ingenious! exeter never had a library with a cafe!
then i met Katy, Tom, Angela, Helena, and we had two new people Angela and Sam for prayer group today. this was so cool - we sat and chatted and at chocie biscuits, we had a prayer, read todays reading, and then just had our time, and i felt so relaxed after that, and they are just such nice people, it was the first meeting aftre easter so hugs all round, and just a great time.
then when i got home, my indian flat mate presented me with a traditional Indian scarf handmade from her home town - and it is lush, its maroon(various shades), with the traditional village pattern in silver - its beautiful.
the apprentice was good today, but i couldnt be bothered to wath the apprentice your fired bit, as tom i have to go to IWHo to hand in my retard form, and then to the library to revise something before our lecture...
so good day...good people, good me time, good God time, good telly time....
xxxx
oh - and tessa, i hear from Katy that you do a good micro-wave impression, in the kitchen implement game! no secrets in these small christian circles we live in!

Last term of lectures started today, thats scary..but i think i said something similar two years ago! but hopefully i can get some proper routine going now, where i hope to be on a campus by nine to do revision...i am doing some somewhat risky revision tactics, but there is no way i can do everything. the department are being very helpful which is ace. i usually complain about my tutor but she is being lovely. havnt done everything i wanted to do today...i would have done i think, but i went to counsellling which was very helpful today, and so i am pleased that i went. um, not much else has happened - oh i think that this is the first day in a while that i havnt shed a few tears which is a bonus. my brother spoke to me today which cheered me up a lot, as i like talking to him, and he makes me laugh and is truthful with me, which is what i really admire in him.

anyways, bed time, have a presentation and a busy day of work ahead tom!

at the moment i am one complete emotional mess. I just find myself crying..like walking to church today, i had a few tears running down my cheek, but when I got to the service then it was full on crying, and i couldnt even sing the last hymn as i was crying, and it was horrid. i am just so emotional and so confused about so many things that are going on in my life at the moment. i feel so lost, i feel so confused, and my head is just full of crap that i really have to get sorted. I am worried about many people at the moment, it just seems like the last few weeks have been the weeks of doom, and it has really thrown me back so much, and i just feel so exposed at the moment. i am not a good person to be around at all, either crying, trying not to cry, or putting on my false happy face to try and seem happy.

little things are setting me off - like when i opened my card from my nan, it was just signed from nan, instead of nan and grandad, and things like that really just makes it hit home, that grandad has actually died and isnt with us anymore. and i feel when i talk to my nan that i really have to restrain myself from asking how grandad is, as it is almost like second nature to say that, or this morning when i woke up and looked at my photos on my wall, there is a photo with me and my grandad on my 18th birthday, and even though he was ill then, he was still physically able to do things, and just the life that the illness took from him is horrid.

i just feel shitty, and i feel like i am letting people down, and like i am trying to explain how i feel about issues, but i cant even understand them myself, let alone explain them in a way that makes any sense to other people. I am so tired as I am not sleeping well, as these thought buzz around my head, and i am also trying to revise and get in my project proposal, and live a life, and it all just seems so hard. and well, all i can say is i am sorry for being shit, and i can only hope that people can see that its been a horrid few weeks/months and its really taking its toll on me and i cant just seem to get a grip on it at all.

statistics on my birthday????!!!!! yes - as sad as it sounds, that is what i have been revising today! i have three more pages to go, but, then i will start drinking downstairs in flat 2 with the other lads, and hopefully continuing to throw juggling balls at Jonathans head!
will be going out later - nottingham watch out!

thanks to everyone who has sent messages/cards - u are all stars, and i love you all hugely
xxx

i said i would blog when something exciting happened and it did - well exciting and made me cry...i have just had an email from Lineo - my "mother" when i was in africa, and it is so cool. She said that rari and khottie talk about me all the time and that they have a bed made up for me waiting for my return to africa, and, oh it just made me cry as Lineo got me through the hard times, and there is so much i have to thank her for...she is a wonderful women, and it was such a nice surprise...this is a photo of Lineo and me on my birthday last year in Lesotho:



the only thing is it comes up the wrong way round and blogger wont let me chage it as it is doing something strange with the photos and i dont like it

i turn older tomorrow...why cant i be 22 forever?
have worked ok today, was in the library early - in fact i was the only student in tbe library for a while - geek i know.
my department have been very nice to me, my tutor who i have often complained about is being very nice which is good.
um, not much else to say...will post if anything interesting happens, doubt it will!

am almost at bursting point...i really am - and thats not because i have eaten so much chocolate after lent has finished (have actually been very good, as not eating chocolate helped me lose weight last term),but about something else that has been on my mind for ages...
work is going, revision is one of the dullest things you can do, but am trying my best to get things done. today i revised my training mosule, tomorrow its ergonomics - oh the joy is almost crazy..
birthday on saturday...the big 2-3. so much has happened in the last few weeks that celebrating feels almost wrong.

yesterday was the first time that babcia had been to our house in five years, so it was really nice to have her with us for easter sunday, as it is a very familial affair in Poland. I sat next to her during the meal, and she was telling me stories about dziadzio, and we both had a good little cry over dinner together which was sad, but we both needed it, as we actually havnt had much time to get used to the idea, what with the funeral arrangements, revision (for me), and then easter. so we had a good cry, and that was special.

my mum did us all proud with lovely food once again - i think it was also because I missed out on easter last year, and so this year it was so much more yummy.
today i have said goodbye to both my bros and davina, as they have gone back to respective flats, and i have been doing stats revision, although not much is going in, and tomorrow i am returning to notts to get my head down in the books and do hardcore revision that is really needed.

its been an emotional time at home, and babcia is going to be sad for a very long time, so i really must make more of an effort to write and to ring her so she doesnt feel alone. am also going to send her a copy of the little prince - a book so lovely everyone should read it....

happy easter everyone

i just wanted to put a quick post on. first off, thanks for the continuing messages of support that I have received from people - it really is special for me, the fact that people are praying and thinking for my family and i is just so lovely, and i truly know that I am so lucky to have such wonderful friends. The funeral the other day was very hard indeed, and it was a tough but beautiful service. we gave my grandad a special service, for the strong and special man that he was to us.

Easter sunday will be hard this year, with everyone still sad about grandad, but i hope its more of a time to celebrate life and the time that we can spend with each other.

i want to warn nottingham people that I am still quite teary at the moment, i try not to be, but i do find that some things set me off a lot, so if you see my cry i am sorry...but i will be doing hardcore revision when i get back anyways, as it has been hard to revise whilst helping to sort out funeral arrangements

and to ben - well my love, congratualtions, and enjoy the spiritual journey that you are now embarking on. i am glad that yesterday went well for you, and of course i would have contacted you on this special day...i am shocked you would have thought otherwise.

so happy easter my loves, and take care all of you, and thank you once again for all the support i have received, it s a huge blessing, and i am very thankful for it all

xxx

the last few days have been pretty tough. i have tried to put a brave face on - especially for my mum and for my babcia, but its been hard to and has used up a lot of my energy. I went to babcias as soon as i got back from Nottingham. It was strange going into the house, and not turning left to go and kiss dziadzio hello, and say in a cheery Polish way - i hope that he was well. Instead my babcia hugged me like she has never hugged me before, not letting go, and just repeating in my ear, he is with God now, he is not suffering anymore. a few tears came, but i just took some deep breaths, i didnt want to cry obviously infront of my nan.

When we went to church on sunday, it was just after communion, and the choir were singing a really nice song, and we had just finished a hymn that i love but havnt sung for a while, and my mum and i just sat and cried. We both lit a candle at the ned of church for dziadzio, to show that he is with the light of God.

Today, was the day when if we wanted to we could go to the chapel of rest. This may sound really weak and pathetic, but I just couldnt go. The last time i saw dziadzio was when i said good bye to him before going to Nottingham in january. As i sais bye and held his hand, there was a little sparkle in his eye, and a little smile on his face, and i dont want to forget that, and so seeing him there would have just been to hard. my mum understood when i told her yesterday, and said that was fine. I am trying to be string for my mum too, she is covering up a lot of sadness - its only just beginning to sink in for all of us.

Its the funeral tomorrow afternoon - a chance for us all to say goodbye to him fully. its going to be a hard and emotional day, and so prayers from people will be appreciated. My brother andrew and I will be doing the readings, i just hope that I will be strong enough to get through them. It is going to be tough, and i will be sad for a long time, so if i get tearful if i am around people for a few weeks then forgive me now...especially all the nottingham people who will probably bear the brunt of it.

I have been trying to do some revision to take my mind of it all, and get some of the information into my head for the exams as time is slowly ticking away, but it has been hard as you can imagine.

I would also like to take this time to thank everyone for the amazing support that they have given me, its been so good to have people around me and taking care of me, and just offering support - you are truly very good people, and just thank you a lot. it means a lot and i am very thankful

forgive me if i get very emotional during this post

as many of my regular blog readers will know, and all my closest friends will know my grandparents mean the world to me, and i love them dearly. also, many of them will also know, how much i have struggled with my grandads dementia, and how much it upsets me that he has struggled and suffered with this terrible illness. Unite two years ago was very tearful for me, as that night at the end of october he was given just 24 hours to live. Well, today, this morning he is struggling no more, he has joined the angels in Heaven, as very sadly he died. Apparently he didnt suffer, he had extra oxygen, but his heart was too weak, and he left this world, to go to some better place where he isnt ill anymore, and he feels no pain.

At the moment, I am distraught. I tried to speak to my mum, but no words could come out of my mouth, and i couldnt even bring myself to talk to my babcia as that would have been too hard. My grandad was a brilliant man. He really was. Battling on till the last moment. none of us could comprehend where all his strength was coming from...his longing to live was just amazing. but today, he must have realised that it was too much.

I would really just want everyone to say a prayer for him, to allow him to be happy with God, and let him be peaceful and pain free.

Also, can people pray for my Gran. She has been with him all through this illness, and has given up everything to be with him, even at times compromising her own health. my nan is a women i aspire to be, so strong and resilient. This is going to be so hard for her. they had been married for 55 1/2 years, and i know that she loved him so much. please can you pray that she has the strength to overcome this, and that she knows that we all love her so much.

the next few weeks are going to be very emotional, and i apologise now to all the people around me if i just cry on them, or get moody or emotional.

Dziadzio, i love you so much, and I really hope and pray that God has taken you into his arms, and you are looking down on us now, and guiding us. i pray that you are pain free and no longer have to struggle and suffer, and that you are full of Gods love and goodness.

have just had a mullerice pudding thing - and have to admit i was very surprised by it, it was very tasty.
am nearly on exploding point about an issue - am surprised it hasnt become public knowledge yet, but its driving me a bit crazy as i just dont know what to do. i am really cold today, hot water bottle for me tonight.

finished my stats notes - they were a mare, have just got to learn it all now. reading the notes i photocopied from ellie now - its so much quicker to read someone elses notes...i just hope that she can read my handwriting....

not much else is happening...we still have not got the frisbee back, but we hope that it will be back soon. the fridge in our flat had been fixed, noe the light in our hallway has broken...

am not in the best of moods today, am just annoyed with myself for being a bit of a loser about certain things...i say loser i really just mean scared....

right, these last few days have done nothing but stats, but quantitative and qualitative, and they have nearly killed me. i have one more lecture to go for quantitative and thats a killer...today i have done two, and seriously its been a struggle, gosh man, this exam is going to be a killer.

also, this weekend the cat was almost let out of the bag about something, and i got quite moody about that, i didnt mean to get moody, but it was so close to happening. well, i know its only my stupidity, but hey never mind.

yesterday, my tiredness hit me big time. i was so tired, and when my brother rang me in the evening i was dozing when trying to listen to what he was saying...so i went to bed, but couldnt sleep for a while. am still quite tired today, so may try and get another early night, will see if it works. something else upset me yesterday, but that is on the way to being resoved too, so fingers crossed.

take care my darlings

although dell and andy kindly fixed my computer today, i have still found myself up on campus. jubillee today - was getting sick of the hallward,a nd fancied a walk as it was sunny. have been married to a photocopier for about an hour - it was being tempremental - it must be something to do with me and technology, we really dont seem to be gettin on well at the moment - never mind. so am on campus...am trying to find some books to help me with the old stats component...thats going to be my next few days of fun - will be lucky if i emerge alive i tell you...very lucky. has been a quiet day...have only seen andy (and one of my housemates), and so when a librarian came to talk to me when i was having photocopier struggles, i had a good natter with him which was good. although cloister is not empty, it is very quiet, more so than usual.

what ive been up to: wednesday night we went to see stand up comedy - and laughed...and last night Laura taught us an argentinian drinking game, which we seemed to make very complicated....and then played quite a heated game of articulate from which tom, adrian and i emerged victorius - the victory was indeed sweet.

still havnt been sleeping well - i am surprised i havnt just collapsed in one big heap yet...is a nights sleep really too much to ask? and went to go and see a module conveynor the other day, adn she was helpful, and finally it seems as if my undergraduate project on prosopagnosia, is making its way around the prosopagnosia accademics without my even knowing about it...is that allowed? i am not sure....

hello dear readers
have been doing revision notes and its dull. am currently using jons computer as mine is still dead, although by the end of this week it should be up and running by the end of the week!
today has been leadership and change which is quite a chunky topic, and have read the journals for.
um, not much else to say...am getting there slowly - my meeting with the module conveynor went well which was good, i understand a few more things now which is handy.
really not much exciting to report - such is the excitement of my life

my computer at home has died an untimely death, and i am actually proud that i have not cried about it yet...i am praying that nothing has been lost, and will be gutted if everything has been lost - but its a crap time for it to go, as i need it for journal searches and stuff - especially as jonathan has just introduced to me google scholar which is brilliant!
well yesterday i had a very pleasant day with james and ella being in nottingham - it was nice to see them again - its been ages since i last saw them - just after their wedding in fact and so that was great. and the view from the castle was brilliant, and i think they enjoyed the ye olde trip!

friday i had a very nice time at the cloister meal - lots of yummy food from different countries...and thanks to anrikay (enrique) to organising it all!

and many a nasty and somewhat upsetting comments are being left on my blog at the moment. personal attacks from people who have actually met me and seen, but from people who havnt its just plain unfair and not nice

today might be a hard day today. i am sticking it out for the time being, and today i see my supervisor for the first time, and i have to tell her about how i feel (my disability officer has tild me to do that), and then after that I have a meeting with the disability officer to talk things over, and that is going to be hard and there may be a few tears involved in both meetings. this afternoon i am meeting up with katie and going to chapel and then having a pray together so that we can help each other. this should be good. but yeah its going to be hard, and so lads in cloister if i am moody tonight then i apologise now, but i will try my best not to be.

and could people on bens blog stop saying that we are destined to be together. apparently when we spend time together (bearing in mind i have spent time with ben about 4 times in my life), we are obviously an item. that person obviously doesnt know me... i generally find it easy to get on with all lads so easily (it helps having two older brothers), and i have 5 lads here that i get on with well too. and so all this speculation is stupid...

anyways have to get ready to get to campus for 9!

church today was good, but in a bad way. I got to church, and for some reason i was crying a bit on the way, but i tried to put on a happy face, but it didnt matter today, as katie was also sad, and we were sad together. we had a natter about our God issues, and work issues, and just how everything was generally sucky at the minute which was good, and I am meeting up with her on wednesday to see how we are which is nice. so i am feeling a bit eeked at the moment, may go and see the old disability rep again, and tell him all my worries, and my thoughts about leaving. its just sometimes i dont think that all this stress is worth it, but then i dont know what i would do instead if you know what i mean. anyways, we will see how the beginning of the week goes, and then will think about it again. havnt told my parents about this yet, am a bit too scared to, seeing they are helping me a little with paying for this course....oh man, will just have to battle in, only 5 1/2 months to go anyway, and it will probably go so quickly...and i have met some truly fab people and i dont want to look like a failure and a loser in front of them.

anyways, back to the old work, and try and achieve a bit of understanding!

so ive been pretty low this week, i have seen the return of the panic attacks, have found out all my exam dates which are very stressful, i have been thinking very seriously about giving up my course....and then to really top it off, someone comments on my blog that i am ugly. well, how to kick somebody when they are down. thanks a lot.

today ellie and i went through our modules going over the reading that we had done, and what we still have to do, and this afternoon, i have been filling in the gaps of the reading...but i have just had a panic attack, about getting everything done - as in revision notes and actual learning - i know that i have done it before, and will be able to do it again, will get tired and stressed doing it, but will be able to do it, but just thinking about the tasks ahead of me just seems insane at the moment, but i suppose that i do have to just keep on battling on. i have chosen which topics i am revising and which ones i have slacked off, and kindof have done a timetable for when the notes for them are to be done...which kindof gives me something to aim for i reckon, and then it will be proposal writing and revision. and i think i have a rest after the old exams - oh no, i will have an essay, and then straight into the old project - hurah! bring on august 31st.

actually, thinking about giving up is seeming to be a lovely option right now...really good.

ok, so for the last few days, i have been experiencing a bit of doom. the re-appearance of the panic attacks fucked me off greatly, and so i wasnt very happy. yesterday i had probably the worst revision session you could probably imagine, when i even said to the course conveynor that i felt like i knew nothing and it was awful and it has made me feel really panicked - i think she may have heard the panic in my voice, and the fact like i felt like i was going to cry. after this i went to student services as i had rung to say that i kindof really needed to see my advisor, and i got to her office and just cried, saying that i wanted to give up, that i was so stressed and that i wasnt coping and the support from my tutor was non-existant. i showed her the letter from my counsellor, and she was shocked that my tutor hasnt even emailed to see if i am ok, and i told her i was worried about the project and stuff, and she was ace. she has spoken to my department, which is good, and i just hope they are going to be there a bit more for me now.

and today, doom continued..we got our exam dates - may is officially the month of doom...revision basically has to start now, and its going to have to be selective revision and question spotting - thats what its all about...and so i freaked out about that - in fact as jonathan kindly said, my pancreas exploded over his wall! the other dooming thing was that i was supposed to be going on a date with someone tonight, but i got a text from him this meaning saying that he has started seeing someone else...bloody brilliant. well, dont really know what to say...it doesnt make me feel great, but hey, life goes on

anyways, so am going to go into revision note mood soon - i want to have them done over easter, so i can then just concentrate on revision and the remaining lectures afterwards.

prayers would be much appreciated, so that i dont actually explode from stress...seriuosly this is so much work - i know its a masters, but never thought that it would be this hectic and hardcore if you understand...its mega tough....interesting but tough... so yeah prayers from all you lovely people would help me...its all about positive love!

am annoyed with myself....last night i had my first panic attack since before my exams...and its all because i keep thinking that i am not doing enough work, and that i am scared about the next lot of exams, and i keep looking at the past exam questions, thinking that they are hard. oh dear. and i am a bit upset because it wasnt nice, and i feel foolish. well i am seeing student support today after my revision lecture - hopefully they can sort me out, or at least help my department give me the bloody support i need.
man i feel miserable. i am trying my hardest to the work that i need to do, but feel like i am getting no-where and it sux almighty.

today, i am working in my room in the morning, and on campus in the afternoon - the two mian reasons for the change of loaction - i get bored in my room if I am in it all day, and begin to go mad, and the walk to campus gets me out of the building and exercising, and this can help me lose some weight! so works well in my opinion.

well, we won the quiz on sunday - getting something for team name "is that a pint in Kev's pocket or is he just pleased to see me?", and winning the actual quiz which is very satisfying! thats two weeks in a row, and i think 6 times in total which os good - and five bottles of wine were given to us.

yesterday had lectures - i like the lecturer he is good and is quite interactive, but he is very sparse on giving key names, and then gives us a list as long as our arms of things to read - as if we have time to read them all...so that kindof worried me about the exam - kindof - is really - it worries me loads...
counselling was hard again yesterday, but good in a way. i was having really big rants about things, and i was asked if i was really angry about what was going on, but i am not, i am just upset about it, but as i dont like showing that i am upset, it comes out in anger, which was very interesting...so when i get angry it is usually because i am upset ok...

but i am angry about something in the department at the moment, but dont/cant really say much more...but it does just take away the whole "fairness" of certain methods of doing things which is annoying.

anyways, as promised here are some photos from pancake day:



me cooking pancakes, with a gin and tonic polly strength



i was glad when emily came in the correct theme for the night, so i didnt look like a prick

wohooo....essay is coming along which is good, there will be some cutting and pasting occurring, but its getting there, and sadly i am getting more and more interested in the topic as i get into the essay, and discovering more problems that makes me go oohhh!

but am pissed off with my housemates. there were three bags of rubbish in the kitchen today, one was leaking something and they were all in front of my cupboard....am i a bloody dustbin lady? i just dont understand why they dont take the rubbish out as soon as they remove the bag? thats what i do? is it too hard to ask??? so then i mopped the floor as well, as i dont want to die due to the amount of crap there is everywhere....its not f-ing fair. well at least my housemates shut the door when they go to the loo - thank goodness for small mercy hey jonathan? anyways, i just mumbled under my breath and swore a few times to get it out of my system.

play tonight, should be good, have heard good things about it, and so i have elevated expectations!

and i hate not having post on saturday here, it just annoys me, checking the post gives me something to do when i get up, but i am always robbed of that at the weekend!

anyways...back to the essay methinks

i am very disappointed in myself this week. I have never used the fact that i have depression to excuse my work being bad until this week, when i was so ashemed with the whole apathy i have for my work and project in particular that i just really couldnt bring myself together to write something at least half decent for my project outlines...so i emailed the disability officer to warn him, and hopefully my tutor should have got her letter from the counsellor, and next week i am seeing student support.

am trying now though - am doing research for the essay that I am going to start writing tomorrow, have just found three more articles that i am going to read tonight, and that should be enough...i dunno though its one of those essays that can cover many things....

anyways, tonight i am going to be in my room, doing essay plan, and sticking post-its on journals! oh what fun i have planned for my friday night!

last night was wine tasting - this morning, well for some of it was hangover of doom - a stupid amount of wine was drunk, it really was silly, but good coversation was had, lots of laughing was had by all, but this morning was a different story!

have been working on my war trauma reading today, i think that i am going to write the essay this weekend, well i have to because it is in soon, and so needs to be done. am going to work in the library tomorrow. have been in my room all day today, so need to get out. on saturday i am going to adrian's play - looks good.

anyways, not much else to say

seriously dont know what is wrong with my mood at the moment, its crazy. i was feeling fine when i left the lecture room, but on the walk home i just found myself crying - why? i just dont know - its bizarre and i dont like it one bit. am still in a mardy mood, i hope that wine tasting with the girlies will help that...am less anxious about something now for the time being anyways, my housemate has just helped me by saying to me "nobody is too good for you, you are too good for them", and i have been told that i have to remember that...we shall see.

anyways, my food is ready so am going to eat

have been in a right mardy mood, it started yesterday, and i thought that it would go after a nights sleep, but it hasnt. I had some vivid dreams that didnt make me happy, and i am still in a very mardy mood. am just going to go to sainsburys to get some grapes for the wine tasting tonight (the other girls are bringing cheese methinks), and i also have to give in my project outlines today, but what i havw written is a pile of poo. but i went to see the disability officer the other day, and told him stuff that has been on my mind, and my counsellor has sent a letter to my tutor too. so they are not kindof expecting a lot of stuff too.

otherwise - we won the quiz again on sunday that was good - both team name and the intelligent part which was quite rewarding.

but i heard some news on monday which has kindof upset me a bit, and worried me too, and i dont know what is going to happen now, and that has been on my mind, along with many an other stuff that was brought up in counselling, and just stuff that is happening in my life at the moment...i am very anxious at the moment - which is probably what is contributing to the mardy mood.

anyways, sainsburys is calling - will i get there before nine - doubt it

oh and photos of pancake party are very drunken and embarressing - so when blogger fully sorts itself out i will put them on!

oh and cloister lads - 20ps anyone - i need to do a clothes wash

note to self: next time i organise a party, make sure i dont have a nine o'clock the next day....

good night had by all....but the number of cans and bottles there are to recycle is silly!

will post more later

well, have just got back from the quiz...a team "won" with a suspicious 39/40 - we got 30, and we are damn clever - a bit of mobile phone action may have been happening. but the quiz was good and we always enjoy a night at the grove. am currently updating my blog in andys room. who i thought was commenting on my blog was not the person, and this is getting quite confusing and also frustrating for me, but hey, i suppose life goes on.

only a few days to eat chocolate before lent starts on wednesday, so i am going to get it all in, and then lose some weight during lent! not that that is the main aim, but it could be an added bonus.

and just to re-emphasise something, just because me faith is the lowest its been for a long time at the moment, it has not gone completely, i still believe, but i am finding it hard to be a good witness, and i am finding it hard to have a relationship with God, and to keep it consistant. its just because everytime i turn a corner, it feels like i am slapped on the face with a fish and get pushed back way more than i have worked up, and its hard to think why God will constantly do this to me.

anyways, and so to bed, want to do some work before i go to campus tomorrow

tara and good night
and just for Gareth - uhhh duh

just wanted to say a few things:

1: adrians home made pasta is lush - may have to start putting in my orders
2: i can be easily fooled by jonanthan and tom (too easily)
3: if gareth does not come to the quiz with us he is a loser - for sure
4: have got my outfit for the hawaaiin themed pancake party sorted


ummm..just had some news - my brother peter and his wife dav are going to be moving abroad because of her job - am gutted, as seeing him in England is hard enough, so seeing him abroad is going to be even harder, and i get on with him so well, so feel a bit bummed about that.

and once again found it really hard to get close to God in church today, an finding it hard to really maintain my faith at the moment, and many things are becoming a battle, and i dont like this feeling at all. i am feeling that there is something missing from me, and that if only i can get my faith back to its strength, then i will be able to feel a bit complete again.

and finally - ohh duh

here it goes...
well, have been feeling a wee bit delicate and stupid for having run out of a lecture crying, but hey. its just strange how things can build up and the little things trigger it all. but i am trying my best to look at the happy things that are going on and put things into perspective, i suppose my research that i am doing on war trauma is helping me on this.

yesterday i completed one of those huge samurai sudoku things, and i was very happy about that. was watching trashy tv in flat two, and watching how slowly the guys were getting increasingly pissed of with it! that made me chuckle.

am a little annoyed with my housemates...all this week they have been telling me to defrost the freezer (like its all my fault of course), so i say that I am going to do it today, and they tell me thats a silly idea - went to post a letter whilst muttering a few expletives under me breath (copying Adrians way of dealing with rage)..... so who knows when the freezer will be defrosted, but we cant have a chair keeping it shut for much longer....

well today has been interesting to say the least...

i only just arrived to the said stats lecture in time, and it was quite an interesting lecture as i have never really been taught quantitative data analysis before, and so learning about IPA and grounded theory was quite interesting....until he wanted us to do a data analyisis - the topic that he had chosen for our transcripts...looking at people with depression, who were finding it hard to find partners and feeling isolated and believing that they had no-one to talk to, and in some cases turning to self harm. now at first i just had the swelling up of tears, but i read one transcript that just summed up exactly how i was feeling, and burst into tears, and ran out of the lecture room...Ellie swiftly followed me, and then a few seconds later the lecturer was also there...oh zosia. he was very apologetic...Ellie was my spokeswomen saying that he had picked quite an insensitive topic for the lecture - poor Neil, he was very apologetic, and even said that i didnt have to go back into in the lecture, but after i had calmed down, i did go in for the last part. then i had a tutorial, and Kisane asked me if i was ok...the tears started again, so i turned to ellie and aksed her to explain (thank you ellie). Kisane was very nice, and spent a good 20 minutes with me today helping me decide what to do for me research project over the summer...my main topic is temp working, as i was a temp for ages last year, and either will be focussing in on what motivates an individual become a temporary worker, or whether they receive the adequate training for the job, and if not then why not, and what should be done to improve the situation.

anyways, so today i have been feeling a little bit delicate, and had another cry in my bedroom this evening. i do feel a bit stupid for crying in public ( i hate doing it), but sometimes when things get too much - and they have been getting really bad recently then it does just reach to boil over point, and thats it...there is only so much you can hold in, and today i think that i reached that point. i think some people on my course have noticed my right arm, even though for lectures i have been wearing longer sleeves...

but i have been getting so much support...in fact this afternoon, one of my Christian course mates sent me this: "i think you're great and so does God". that is the first time i have had like a christian messgae sent to me from somebody in nottingham, and at a time when i am feeling quite spiritually low, i really appreciated that loads.

anyways, a few more minutes working and then its attempt sleep time for the zosh, as she has a busy day tomorrow...

oh and dan asked me out with him on monday, but i was strong enough to say no - it was hard, but i did it. I dont want him to think that I am at his beck and call. there must be someone out there somewhere that will see me for who i am, and accept me faults and all....

on a lighter note, my pancake party is all set for next tuesday, and the date for next postgrad wine tasting has been set, and we have roped in more occ psych people, so it should be a blast

ok, so my blog the other day was a bit low but that is how i am feeling at the moment with my faith, but it is getting a bit better, and i am not feeling as low as i was, but still not as strong in my faith as i would like to be. well, i am going to have to do a lot of work because i am feeling a bit behind this week, and i dont like feeling like that, but have my nine oclock stats without maths in an hour, and then i have a tutorial. Oh yeah, last term results...two distinctions, and three merits, but one of the marks i am disappointed with, and so want to know what i have done wrong. but todays tutorial is about our research project which is good seeing as i dont know what to do yet.

anyways better get ready for campus

this weekend sure has had its ups and downs. last night was a great evening, i had a lot of fun, and probably made a tit out of myself in many ways, but leading up to last night, i had been in my room, working my arse off, not because i wanted to as i am behind, but it was because work all i could do to stop myself from thinking about other things that have really been upsetting me recently and just trying to keep my mind off things.

this morning was choir...the people in choir are lovely, and just let you be yourself, so if you feel shitty you say that. today, fr chris's sermon was very similar to the email that Fr Paul sent out on thursday. it was a good sermon, and gave me a bit of a much needed spiritual kick, but i just still cant help thinking that at the moment i feel very isolated in my faith. i miss the cathsoc community in exeter, and the very christian team that i had in africa, that i could talk about my faith freely with without being laughed at, or strongly debated against, and in some way i feel ridiculed for believing and having a faith. i am finding it really hard, and i know that it says in many places in the Bible that there will be people like this, and God is seeing what I am doing, and going through for just believing in Him, but at this moment it is making me feel very spiritually weak and isolated and alone, and when i used to go through a low point in my depression, God was one person i could always rely on, but at the moment He is feeling very distant and I am feeling freaked out. so today at church, it was quite appropriate that we sang "come back to me" as a hymn. even though we think that we are strong, we dont have the strength that we would have if we were with God, and so we have to go back to Him, and God who is there always waiting for us, will accept us back.

this afternoon this was playing on my mind, and i was tearful, and this made work hard. this and the added worry of getting exam results, and so this evening i have just spent a quiet night in, in my room watching a dvd, and now i am hoping to get a good nights sleep as i have six hours of lectures to endure tomorrow

must get to sleep. i am really missing my counselling, i thought that i would begin to explode a bit without it. I cant make it this week either which is going to be hard, but next week it should be back to normal.

ok, so some days this week just have not been the best for me mood wise, and i was up and down, and crying in my room whilst trying to work, and it was because i had run out of a-ds, and one day without them whilst waiting for my prescription was enough to make me feel awful. at least now i know that they actually make me feel a bit better as sometimes i do doubt this. and so this week has been quite hard, with it being my week of work also. yesterday i fell a bit as i was reading but it just wasnt going in, and so it was getting a bit hard. am going to do some more today, and this evening i have a bring and share meal at chateau raleigh park so that should be fun.

um, not much else to say, apart from robin hood and little john were walking through the forest......

reading bens blog last night i got jealous...oh how i loved the catenians quiz when i was in cathsoc, and we whopped their arses in my last year...so i was wishing i had a good healthy cathsoc around me every wednesday night again, and that i could sit in my lounge with a pint of cider that only cost me one pound, with james, lisa and mark (and sometimes others who stayed a lot later), and just be my own stupid self and nobody cared. and i just miss it and it made me sad...so then i looked at all my cathsoc photos, and found some of the catenians quiz, so i am going to blog them to remind me of the good old days....

some good team thinking and probably good team banter going on here

oh the days of the blue room

and cathsoc reign victorious, and with money out behind the bar i had a lot to drink that night!

anyways, enough of me thinking about the good old days, time for me to continue with my week of work! hardcore it is

although this is my hardcore week of work, i feel that at 10:40pm is a suitable time to finish work, and the thought of starting to read another journal does just fill me with a lot of dread! so stopping i am! have done alright though, have written my lecture notes up (all but stats, but am going to have a stats day and get it all done!), and have read three chapters for ergonomics from a book i had on request, and it was a really good book, it really explained stuff in easy to read language, and have just read a journal evaluating training - was good. did a lot of photocopying today too

and i didnt go food shopping straight after my lecture for various reasons, but i went this afternoon. when i left it was still light, but on the walk back it was getting dark. this usually wouldnt panic me, and didnt as much as i thought it would, but i did have a heightened sense of awareness of anyone that i thought may look a little dodgy around me...and this was raised when a police car went zooming past...but its ok really, you just have to be careful....

and my day today was brightened up by some post that came for me, and that i have been listening to this evening whilst doing my work. thank you my dear, that was such a nice thought of you, and i am enjoying it very much, and it will make my week of hardcore work more interesting having some new music to listen to whilst i have my head in books and papers. i love getting post - everyone does, but this post was cool!

oh and i had to buy yet anothe text book today, the library only has one of these books, which is insane especially as over 40 of us have been recommended to read it...anyways, thought i would bankrupt myself more

i think that i am going to rest my weary head, so some more hardcore work can be done tomorrow!
take care my lovelies
xxx

well, my hardcore week of work is continuing, and i have worked really hard today, and i am just taking a quick break now as my hand hurts for they have been writing loads recently. i was going to go shopping today, but by the time i had finished one piece of work that i was particularly wanting to do, it was dark...normally i would have gone out, but with the shooting of the police woman near here last night, and there being nobody to go with, i just ate something from the freezer, and i will go to the supermarket straight after my nine o'clock lecture tomorrow. but i have done my washing which is what i really wanted to do, as that was getting to be a dire situation too, but it means that i have to make up my bed before i can flop into it.

i hope that people who are in couples have had a good day - i do realise that it can be good for them...hopefully i will have my heart touched by my mr darcy soon..but for now i will just sit and work and be content in the fact that at least i am getting my work done in my hardcore week of work....oh yeah and on the way to campus there was the first signs that spring is on its way...i saw loads of crocuses (croci??) and it was so pretty.

am now just waiting for the tumble dryer to finish ( i am my worst own enemy here), and then i am going to make my bed, and then bed, and i do have the nine tomorrow!

not that i am bitter or anything- but i hate this day....really do. have got my usual pity valentines day card from my dad, brilliant.

my week if work is going ok, i have been working since 8:30 this morning...will be working tonight but also have to go shopping, my fridge shelf has on it half a cucumber a small block of cheese, an apple and a yoghurt..so food situation is a bit dire

anyways, am going to continue working and hating today!

for those who live or intend to visit nottigham, the grove in Lenton is one fine public house which never fails to disappoint. although we didnt win the quiz - one point off thanks to "dont worry, i know the answer" jonathan (gnu right back at you), we still did well when it came to prizes...two t-shirts, two grass skirts, two hawaiian garlands (ellie and i have our fancy dress outfits made up then), CD, and a bottle of wine!!!! brilliant! our quiz name today was quite good...having already used a question i am often asked (in jest i hope) by the lads "Do catholics believe in phone sex before marriage?", today we used Gareths oddity (he wasnt here), in "Do vegans spit or swallow?" now i know these names may sound horrid to the exeter lot, but swearing.
/ sex jokes and peadophilia always seem to win...so we are just jumping on the band wagon....

anyways, my week of work will continue tomorrow, with six hours of lectures, and a lot of work to be done in the evening.

so visit the Grove - big Kev is indeed a fine manager, and i dont know if i have said this, but i did finally get my cuddly toy last week, and i have named it.......................................................................










well it had to be Big Kev.


take care you crazy kids....bed time now!

works gone alright today, have read a few chapters, read a journal article, and am just reading abotu Factor analysis (when i say reading i mean reading and note-taking). have just printed off the notes for tomorrows lecture, its a long one, but looks quite interesting.

mass today was odd - i really needed a spiritual kick, but just didnt get one. every time i tried to focus for a prayer my mind just wandered, and it felt like i couldnt focus, even though i really wanted to...as i do have quite a few things and people that i need to pray for, and so i hope that i can have some time to pray and just get everything off my chest

now its time for dinner, fmaily have just rung, and then its quiz

oooohhh, and i heard from sbosh again today - it is exciting!

well, i was excited about going to bed last night, as to what my dreams will have for me, but they were dull dreams, dreaming about all the work that i have to do...as today i entered my hardcore week of work. it has to be done, so that i can get a lot of reading done..today it has gone quite well and so i am proud, but this week i can see myself doing some late stays on the library - my week of work proved successful last term, so we will see if it can be repeated. also it means that i get to work right through valentines day without having to really think about it...i have been trying to deny its existence but its a bot hard to. um....yeah so this week is going to be jolly i can tell...

have been doing some heavy thinking recently, and have come to some conclusions which is good, at last is all i can say. and i have no counselling for two weeks, so might explode...we shall see about this too. and in the last week i seem to have got a huge belly on me, and so that has to go too, its horrid, i dont know how it has happened, but i am shocked and appauled by it.

a bit of have i got news for you before i go to bed, as i have to go to choir tomorrow, am actually looking forward to church, i feel as if i need a bit of a spiritual kick.

according to my horoscope for today, i am going to have exciting and erotic dreams tonight, and that i am going to get some good financial news (the latter i particularly want, as i feel quite skint at this present moment of time).

am struggling through lecture notes at the moment, exeter people will know what i am like with my notes...oh how annoying i am with this!

anyways, not much else to say, am quite tired, a bit urgh today, but otherwise ok

well, postgrad wine tasting society was a great affair. it started off with being told how to taste wine properly, ie identifying colour, looking at the legs, the aroma and then the testing, and then we blind tested many a wine from south africa...and it was so much fun. ellie, emily and i went and met some very nice people, and obviously by the end of the night we were all bladdered. the thing was they were expecting 50 people, but only 30 came, so do the math, there was a lot of wine. oh yeah, next time we are going to take a cheese board (they provide crackers), but my green and browns chocolate went down well - it was quite sophisticated...up to a point. (lalalalalalala)

it took ellie and i a long time to walk home (We cant actually remember emily leaving), and this morning we had a presentation to do...it was....great.

have just come back from a meal with the girls, as we decided that we dont do this enough - the food was lovely...and we are going to make it a regular event, but not so expensive next time (even though we were doing buy one get one free meals, student deal - brilliant). and it was a very pleasant evening...justified by the fact that i wanted to get to a certain stage with my work by tonight and i reached that stage just before we had to leave...

zosia is going to have a rant - forgive me

i just get pissed of when people just complain about the lecturers all the time...i mean we are doing a masters course, the lectures are going to be hard, and its up to us to do the extra reading for the lecture so that we can confirm our understanding of things...if you dont do that, then there is no reason to complain. and if you go into a lecture that you think you wont understand, then with that attitude, you are not going to listen and thus completing the self fulfilling prophecy. this week i did find a lecture hard, but i have done some of the reading, and i can understand why the lecturer found it hard to lecture on the topic. and today, the lecturer that we had is not the best, and people have a hate for her, but i think that she really does try, and does her best, and todays lecture was really good, so i made an effort to go up to her afterwards and told her, and she was really pleased.

and now just another little rant about my housemates, i am now having to hide my condiments, as they are using them all the time which is so annoying. and yesterday for my tea i was having sugar snap peas, and i was having them with humous. one of them just said - give me...and i gave her one straight away...but next time (and she has done this in a few occassions) i am just going to say no, because i dont get a please or a thank you, and that really annoys me, and she uses my food from my shelf in the freezer - i saw it with my own eyes, and was so shocked....

anyways enough of a rant, have just got the latest tearcraft brochure and some of the stuff in there is beautiful...if i have a good weeks work, i might treat my self to two things that i really like, and at the end of the day, its a good cause. wine tasting tonight, have got green and blacks chocolate for ellie and i....mmmm

well, have finished my two chapters for ergonomics, and have understood it a bit which is good - just hope ellie understands the way that i have summarised it! just going to do my few slides for my presentation, and then bed as i have a nine o'clock tomorrow...but tomorrow evening i have postgrad wine tasting society which sounds really cool, but i have a cold, and so i just hope that i will be able to taste the wine!

ummm, have had a bit of a rant at housemates...yesterday they watched me clean the fridge without asking to help, even though they saw me remove mouldy items from their shelves....it was so horrid, and there was a bottle of mile in there with the best before 9th of january - it was foul. they havnt got toilet role, and i am fed up of providing it, and they dont take out the rubbish. they change the rubbosh bag, but leave it in the kitchen, and always infront of my cupboard, so whenever i want anything from my cupboard i have to move the rubbish to get to it, and that pisses me off like something chronic. so i ranted...but i have cracked and will be buying loo roll tomorrow for us all.

apart from that, my meeting with ausi boites (cathy) on sunday was cool..it was quite emotional and we had so many memories and little phrases and stuff, and we talked about the team, but it was so nice to see her again, and yeah, it was kindof emotional, but those guys and i went through so much those four months and so it will be emotional when you meet up with those special people and recall the times when we just had to put all our worries to God, and learn so much from each other. i spent some time in town alone after just to think, and not show that i had gotton emotional.

anyway, nine o clock tomorrow, so had better get on with my slides...they are going to be crap, but frankly i just dont give a damn at this time if night

i didnt want to get up at 7:30 this morning, but i had to because i had a nosebleed, and it didnt stop for 40 minutes - great, a good start to the day u thought. have just had a lecture which was very interesting, and i was able to apply it to my africa trip in the way that our team developed, and we have just had a little planning group for our presentation on thursday...and now i am going to make notes on ergonmics from Cox and Cox...not very exciting - sorry...

have had a bit of a busy unsuccessful day which in some ways has pissed my of chronically, so i am not in the best of moods, thats why i am in my room, and writing up my lecture notes, as i have lots to do, and one of my lectures was so poor today, i came out feeling incredibly thick and just argh....

and to top it all off some loser has just put their tumble drying on - its nearing 10:30, and this is just wrong - its lucky that i am still working and not trying to sleep, but i still feel like turning it off just because of the priciple of it. its so bloody annoying.

but counselling was quite good today, luckily i can carry on with the group even though i cannot make the next two weeks meetings, so that is good, but its going to get harder as we start doing cbt stuff which seems very daunting, although i know that it has a good record.

anyways, really want to finish this lecture, but i doubt i will

was just about to go to bed, and thought would check my emails, just in case, and i am soooo glad that i did, cos I had an email from Sbosh, which was juts totally great - he is a dude and a half, and we (lesotho guys) miss him so much - he was part of our team too, and we will never forget the man....so that has made me happy...its a bit of a lesotho weekend actually, as i am meeting ausi boithatelo tomorrow for lunch which will be great, havnt seen her since july!




oh oh oh de sbosh is in the middle - i on my last day as ausi nthabiseng am on the left, and ausi kananelo is on the right - this was on the morning we left....the glasses - we were crying, and its not good in Lesotho to show such emotions - its a sign of weakness.....

what a good way to end the day

Was reading the times 2 part of the newspaper over tea, and there it was, something that made me happy, a quote from Antoine de Saint-Exupery himself, from one of the best books i hav ever read - Le Petit Prince:

"Men have forgotten this truth" said the fox. "but you must not forget it. You have become responsible forever for what you have tamed".

Brilliant

have had a few nosebleeds today which is not so strange as i do get them sometimes, but usually when its summer, and my hayfever is bad, not when its really cold...so that has made today strange.

went to sainsburys on my way home from campus today, and i was only supposed to get a few things, but my basket was getting fuller and fuller of stuff that i didnt need but wanted - it was that type of shopping, but i got grapes and they are lovely.

dont know whats happening tonight if anything, may try and get another article read...

saturday is going to be stats day - fun!

it is very strange to think that this time last year it was my last day at working at the LSC before i took time out to get ready for Lesotho - the year has gone so quickly its insane...i cant believe that i have had that africa experience. i was on the bbc website yesterday looking at the famine crisis in africa, and they had a series of photos showing the problems in Lesotho, and i recognised some of the areas which was so bizarre, and when my team mates ring up and we speak out limited sesotho to each other its strange.

anyways, i seem to have developed a small smarties addiction which is not very good. work on participatory ergonomics is as about as thrilling as it sounds. am going to go to campus this arvo, and then will pop into sainsburys on the way home - i really want some grapes but dont have any...but this has been an expensive week as have paid my hall fees, and so dont want to think about the state of my bank account.

finished my peep show dvd last night - i recommend it to everyone - v funny

what a busy week of lectures, but it has ended now - this week we have started five different modules - thats a lot....and it has been hectic getting all the writing up of my notes, and the reading done, but i have been getting there...
i was supposed to be getting up quite early this morning, but when the news waking me up was saying that it was -2 outside, i thought that it would be safer (for my health), if i stayed in bed for that little bit longer.

am having a huge craving for chocolate and things that are generally really bad for you, which is annoying, but i am wearing a pair of jeans ive not worn for a while as i can fit into them at the mo, and i want to keep it that way.

am determined to finish this bit of work i am on at the moment, so had better get back to it....

and lastly, ausi thato, am soooo sorry that missed your call last night, my phone was on silent, and i had just fallen knackered into bed...but the version of reaohle boha was lovely, kealeboha and i will speak to you soon....you cant escape nthabi that easily!

according to my horoscope today, its a good day for learning and retaining information - so had better get working a bit harder so that I can learn some more things...

didnt sleep great last night, but better then the night before, so interesting isnt it!?

nowt much else has happened