well, yesterday, it was the last day of term, and i had just given in many essays, and after reading journals and napping in the afternoon, and cooking a meal for jon and andy in the evening, and watching the last in the series of the excellent peep show, we decided that it was time to go out, and so go otu we did. we went to a place we had never been to before, but it was too busy, and so instead we went to The Grove - one of our favourite pubs.

(Me Kev and bar staff behind
bar)

Now a few weeks ago at the quiz, i managed to blag two bottles of wine free! yesterday i attempted to see if the magic could work again! we got there, and got in a round of drinks, and when i saw our Kev, i went for a chat, and the blagging began (as I still have not received my cuddly toy that i won in the quiz aaaagggeeesss ago), i even got to stand behind the bar. Anyway, to cut a long story short, after chatting to Kev, all the staff and the landlord, they gave me a present from the christmas box - this provided us with a lot of joy - it was an inflatable traffic cone! when two o'clock came, it was time to depart, and on the way out, i was given a bottle of red wine! now that is what i call a good night! thanks Kev - you are indeed a great manager, and the Grove is a great pub - recommend it to anyone who goes to Nottingham! so that was my night



Oh will you look how happy i am! Persistance pays off! So does wearing a pretty skirt, kitten heals, and a pretty black top!





Well, today, i have been doing another essay. I had gotton myself a bit confused in what i was trying to say however, so after siitng down and re-reading plenty of journals - i am there. Apparenlty socially desirable responding does not effect criterion validity (in that it doesnt effect how the measure of personality is made), but it does have an affect on construct and predictive validity (in how decisions are made, and how well and individual will perform at the job). and thanks to the boys, I have new music on my computer, from really cool people that is stuff that i like.

anyways, after my essay breakthrough i am quite tired, but the ability to scribble and spider diagram is amazing, and i now have all the ideas to write, and only 1000 words to write them in! (as i have done 1000 words already) - that will be sunday then, and monday tuesday, wednesday - revision! wohoo!

mmm...left over christmas dinner is sooooo good. just had some roast potatoes, sausages and stuffing and it was lush....and this was because last night we had our flat christmas dinner, and it made me realise just how much i love my flatmates - seriously we had such a good time, and it was sad when we all went to bed at the end of the night

the food - which i really have to thank Cathy for was absolutely gorgeous - i mean top quality, and the mulled wine - fabulous too. I dont think i have told you about my flat mates so here we go - Cathy and I are the two English girls, Tracy is Chinese, Agatha and Garima are from India, Ritah is from Ghana, and Beebee is from Uganda. we had a really fun time, dancing, singing, hugging, playing stupid games and taking lots of photos that i will now display:



Isnt this cool! its like 7 heads looking down at you - well it is 7 heads looking down at you, but i think that this is such a clever idea!













The seven of us in our lovely kitchen - ok
back row: Me, Ritah, Garima (left to right)
Front row: Cathy, Tracey, Beebee, Agetha (left to rigt)

and these are my girlies who put up with me day in day out - and i love them







just given in fifteen credits of work, its the last day of term, and i am going to finish reading the journals for my essay i am starting tomorrow!

hello dear blog and blog readers...

i would like you to think back to last month, when I was sitting at this desk going - what the hell was the positivist contribution to psychology, and that it was driving me mad...(if you cant remember look on my backdate post thing)

well today, i got the essay mark back. now, i really didnt think that this essay was good, i would have been happy with a 60/62 something like that, at masters level, i wouldnt sniff at that...but to get 78% was just ridiculous - i mean crazy - just insane! i nearly cried, i still cant believe it. Now i was told the department now has high expectations of me - i told them not to...! i have never, and probably will never get anything like that again!

so that put me in a good, if not somewhat perplexed mood

BEWARE.....BAD BAD BAD MOOD RANT IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN....IF YOU DONT WANT TO READ THEN CHANGE THE PAGE NOW.....

right, now there are some things that are fair in the world, like when you pay for sic packets of crisps you do actually get 6 packets, and when you buy a chocolate bar, you get a chocolate bar....

so why is it then when you pay an extortinate amount of money for a one year course from a university that has supposedly got an amazing reputation for teaching standards - you do not get what you paid for????? i mean this is crazy, and i am so angry it is untrue. we gave in an essay - 18th novemnber - feedback and result meant to be last week - we didnt get them - reason being "we havnt marked them"...now if students say we havnt done them, immediate penalty for us...so why dont the tutors get a penalty for doing the same to us - why cant we get some of our money back? now whilst the rest of the occ psych people get there results and feedback today - i dont get mine till tomorrow - giving me under 24 hours to chnage 3 essays if i have to - dependent on the feedback i get...i mean, that is totally crazy

i am so pissed off with this its untrue. i have sent stinking emails to the student reps and to student support, but nothing is changing.

seriously, i am in such a bad mood. the anger is creating steam coming out of my ears....and i hate getting like this, but the amount that i am paying for this years education, and this stupid amount of work that I am doing, it would be good if the uni stuck to their side of the agreement and gave us the support that we were promised.

i am just ****ed of, and its really getting to me...the person who i do go for feedback with tomorrow is really going to get an earful i swear...and my poor computer has heard such foul language today, that if it was a human, i would have received several slaps in the face

i have warned people around me of my bad mood...am going to work till its out of my system.

have been very disappointed with my lack of work today...i found some journals in the morning, then went to a revision lecture...after that i came back home, and did some more journal searching,. and then read 8 journals about social desirability, and have finally got a bit fo a feel as to what this essay may be about - hurrah! i then went to the Festival of Lessons and Carols at a church in town - it was run by the uni chaplains, and it was great...if i didnt have a stinking cold, and hadnt had a nose-bleed during the service, i would have gone for a drink somewhere in the lace market , oh and the fact that i hadnt been so teary during the service too - there is something very moving about christmas carols
but i do have a sticking cold - the dizziness has gone, and so has the blocked ears, but i cant really breathe and my throat is soooo sore....stocked up on boots imitation lemsip (for me and ellie who is also poorly), and lockets etc, to get me through this last week of term

rang my mum up for her birthday - my bro and his wife did her a birthday meal, and my other bro (whos birthday it is next week) was also there - she happily told me that she was so happy she had all her children around her....i then pointed out that i wasnt there hence the phone conversation - boy at that moment - i felt so loved.

anyways, am just finishing my lemsip to make me cosy for bed, have a 9 o'clock tom (revision lecture) and then more journal reading - and hopefully less lempsip consumption will be needed.

and just a photo to make my blog entry pretty:




ah the grove pub after a quiz, the night i flirted two bottles of free wine...and a lot of christmas tree appreciation was going on....tis a good pub.

why isnt lemsip working? i am feeling so miserably ill, and the research for my essay is hard...am feeling pooey...but our flat is doing a christmas dinner on thursday which is mega exciting, and so that will be nice!

was sent some photos of thursday today, and this was a nice one that made me smile...so here it is...one of the girls



















why was i smiling so much all that night - thats a size 8 dress i am wearing! no way am i an eight, but a well placed shawl hid a mulititude of sins!
a little more research and then bed for me i think!

i hate being poorly...but i well and truly have a cold. and i have been lemsipped up for the last few days. today my ears feel all blocked. yesterday i was very husky voiced, but as only two of us knew the magnificat (all you exeter guys will know it), i had to duet it - brilliant...that was the end of my voice yesterday. but work continues. have just done the abstracts and key words for the essays i am to give in this week, and formatted them in the way that the uni wants, and now i am back on the essay journal hunt for the role of social desirability in personality assessment - its a joy i tell you.

anyways, have to buy more cold and flu relief, i had the last sachet this morning, and i am almost out of kiwi fruits too - the world is a vitamin c reduced place at the moment

i love it when a plan goes right.
today i was to get up early, go to the library and write my essay...and that is what has happened, and i am happy, cos thats another one done! i was also surprised when in the afternoon dan came into the library, the only available computer (i kid you not) was the one opposite me, and so he sat there. Now at that time, i was doing a mini-dance to the song on my mini-disc to make polly sat next to me laugh! but after he came over and chatted to me which was nice...

anyways, as promised some pictures of thursday to prove that i do have female friends here at nottingham, and that i have not turned into a ladette completely




This is Vicky, Rachel and Me! Vicky does occupational health psychology and first spoke to me because she liked my scarf! Rachel is the girl who has gotton engaged and who's wedding we will be attending next August.







This is me Rhian and Blonde Polly. They both do occupational psychology with me. They are both lovely girls.







This is dark haired Polly (yep there's two Pollys), Emily and me. Polly does research methods and so we dont have many lectures, but she shares my love for Narnia, and has me in stitches (and ate a whole pot of Nutella on thursday afternoon). Emily does Occ Psych like me and is lovely, and we always do the same essays, and love planning them.






This is Ellie and I under misletoe obviously. Ellie is the first english person i spoke to in Nottigham, and is in my tutor group and the best person to moan to over a bar of chocolate...she is also the girl i set up with Jon, and doesnt care that Jon and I spend all our time together, and is just lovely, and best of all always up for sitting in on friday night drinking wine, watching ace friday night telly!



there are more, but not that i could photo, as by then we were all a wee bit merry and things were getting silly, oh if only you could see all of my photos....

anyway i am going to find people, and be happy that i am another essay down

my homeowrk this week is a nightmare - just tried to do it, but failed...
found some good articles for my essay i am writing tomorrow, am now going to go home to plan it
am coming down with a cold...my throst feels like someone has walked up and down it with spiked shoes on
last nights do was good - will put photos on soon, to prove that i do have female friends too - although got quite emotional about lots of things, but especially when people kept sayin "if only dan saw you now, then he will see what he left behind" - gutted, i am truly gutted, but life goes on.

chatted to gareth this morning, it was great and he gave me a huge hug as ever - the ever reliable hugger he is

hometime!

zosh

spend all your time waiting, for that second chance, for the break that will make it ok. there's alwyas some reason to feel not good enough, when its hard at the end of the day.

some beautiful words, from a beautiful song

i am worried about a few people at the moment - obviously Norris, I pray that he hangs on in there through this especially tough time for him at the moment. I pray for Ben too. Now Ben and I are very good friends, but he needs all those around him to really support him right now. There is only so much i can do over the phone. Now, i have tried to contact a few people in Exeter who i thought would help him, but some people havnt responded to me which is sad - not just about this but about many things, and i dont know what i have done to upset them so that they dont respond. i hope that these two people are supported in exeter

people keep on asking me what i want for Christmas, i want my friends to be happy, and have the support that they need for this.

have a ball tonight which should be fun - ben, i was half asleep when i spoke to you last night, and so i may not be able to phone you tonight my love as i will be out - am so sorry to let you down. but i am looking forward to the ball, it should be a good night. havnt quite decided what i am wearing yet, but i hope that it will be nice whatever it is. ellie and polly have said that stupid dancing will occur - ace i am queen at stupid dancing! and i sent an essay plan to a lecturer this morning, she said that it looked ok which is pretty cool! i like that!

anyways, better get back to the reading

look after yourselves, but most importantly also each other

well, i was going to say how my mood has been quite good over the past few days, and that i had been feeling a lot more posotive about things, and on sunday i was scarily happy, that the lads were wondering what was wrong (i even managed to flirt two free bottls of wine from kev), and on monday my researcyh about violence in the work place was quite successful so this cheered me...
but i knew it wouldnt last long, yesterday i heard some news that shocked and upset me, and i found it very hard to sleep last night, and i am knackered today - am going to go home and nap. got a formal tomorrow, i hope that i get in the mood for it.

anyways, better go

i dotn know why, but over the last few weeks i always seem to be a little emotional at mass, i alsways feel like i am going to cry, i dunno, maybe cos its like i am much closer to God then...its kindof like a nice safe emotional place to be in though which i think can only be good
have been going over lecture notes...and saying to people its not revision just a memory guider! i feel a bit essayed otu at the mo, so have done some research, but hardcore research will start again tomorrow
am workin jons room - he is the biggest procrastinater ever - so i am making him work - we if he doesnt finish the essay, he is not doing the quiz - both way we lose!
tara my crazy kids

CLOISTER HOUSE PANDEMONIUM RULES AS EVER

Well last night, as i had told a few people, as all my assessed essays for the end of term have been written, was a time for drinking...and as usual it was in flat two, as friday night telly is a must to watch, what with Have I got News for You, the Peep show, and Johnathon Ross and Jules Holland...its great. Ellie came round, a trip to the Spar was had....and then havoc wreaked as always with the crazy cloister house brigade.....



Now a month or so ago, i was challenged by Dave to the Pringle challenge - his friends did 17 - i mathched them...but this picture shows just how much pain managing 18 pringles at one time can be! I nearly choked, Dr Dave was getting ready to Heimlick manouver me, but i did the girls proud and perservered and beat Daves mate! oh i was proud - i was nearly crying i was laughing so much, and with a mouth full of pringle you can see why i nearly choked!


The reason (and some not shows) as to why pandemonium occurred yesterday night! and why i may have accepted the pringle challenge - but the spar did us proud!








Nearing the end of the night - Dave was showing us the he belived that he had flying skills, Gareths hair looks like he has been electrocuted(but that is what it always looks like), Jon was trying to convice us that he was Chris Martin (all in his head), Ellie was telling us about her par-vegetarianism (damn those sausages), Laura was letting us play with her amazingly long hair, and I - well i was still recovering from pringle stuffing. Adrian was the only one i trusted with the camera!

And that was my friday night! a good night had by all...and my body still woke me up at 7:30 - damn it...but i have found some good articles about workplace violence (my next essay), and now i am doing some revision notes, for stress! brilliant!

take care my loves
remember - drinking this amount of alcohol is not recommended and i do not support such behaviour...i recommend staying in the government recommended weekly intake (spreading it across the week obviously), and detest the binge-drinking culture that students are asssociated with...but as is our line "We are not students.....we are post-grads" - oh yes - there is a difference!

hurrah!
i finished the essay this morning! well i can tweak it next week, but 2000 odd words are on a page! well done me!
have just gone to a cv workshop which was very helpful indeed, as my cv was crap, and i am now going to do my home work for my work book, which seems full of calculations - luckily i have found my calculator and no longer have to use my phone - which was poo cos it doesnt have a square route!
anyways, i think there might be some drinking tonight, but not in the same measures as our benjamin - provided me with plenty of laughs!

well i left the library at 8:40 this evening...i was so determined to get the essay finished, but i didnt, as my stomach was rumbling so audibly people were turning to look and see where it was coming from...so i made my way home and got soaked, and kind jon let me use his toastie machine as i couldnt be bothered to cook anything proper...i have just opened my chocolate advent calendar and i get a crunchie celebration each day - yum!
so will definately finish essay tomorrow, have got to finish explaining grounded theory as an alternative to the quantitative experimental method, and conclude saying that researchers are always going to be influenced by the paradigm that they are working in...!brilliant! am also getting my cv checked tomorrow, and doing my homework! the life of a masters student is fun indeed!

got up early this morning so that i could get a good chunk of essay done before camous today, but this had failed..am just having writers block, and its really infuriating...having said that, i have now reached the half way 1000 words which is nice, and i do kind of know what i am cncluding now, its just all that stuff in the middle that I have to get in. having described causality and the experimental method, i have now said that forms of selection bias can occur, meaning that the researcher can bias the causal relationship in relation to the direction they want the results to occur....and now i should be talking about the interpretation of results...i can see that this is really thrilling to the rest of you!
and my head ache has gone which is good, and my neck isnt hurting that much today either - result.

anyways, am going to see if i can bash out a few more words now

having a headache for nearly four days is not really a good sign is it? and this morning when i got up i had no balance, and nearly fell over in the shower three times....oh its not good...granted this morning it was seven when i got up, and that is never good, but the workshop that i went to was very good, and i did enjoy it.

at the moment i am nearly 300 words into my killer essay that is going to be the most shocking essay ever written - but hey. i just dont really know where i am taking it. at the moment i ahve done an intro saying that if we understand the nature of causality then we will be able to have the ability to predict and control behaviour, and the best way to study casaul relations is through the experimental approach...but then there are some buts that i am going to get onto...but now i am defining cauality, with a bit of philosophy, and then i will be describing the afore mentioned experimental method...and then on who knows! as you can probably tell, as i started it at 5:30pm, i am not going attempt to do this one in one long stint...will sleep on it, and hopefully have it done by friday...then on to the next

but its not a good thing to try and do when you have had a long throbbing headache. but it has to be done sometime. i thought that it could be done to de-hydration but having drunk at least 6 pints of water today, it really cant be...maybe i will just take a stronger pain killer. am having my cv checked on friday, maybe that will help me get a career sorted...and we are all stressing as our exams are in the first three days of exam fortnight, minimising our revision time....looks like i wont be having much of a christmas break this year, as a lot of the time will be spent essay writing/workbook doing/revising! let the fun begin!

take care my loves, missing you all, and i hope that you are enjoying life, or enjoying it as much as you can

xxx

i hate just how long writing the references at the end of an essay takes...it has just taken me an hour and a half - well i did use 20 references...but still that was ridiculous.
my week of not spending any money has started appaulingly. well i had to buy a drink, newspaper, and milk on campus...but the wine gums were not necessary, and nor were the 3 posters for five pounds (although i have been wanting If for ages, and there was a gorgeous sunset poster, and i love sun-rises and sun-sets they are beautiful). and today before my careers interview there was a jewellery sale (everything £1), and i have lost a few ear-rings recently, and so i brought three pairs...so basically have spent a tenner, and its only half way through tuesday...oh zosia.

have had a headache for three days now, that cant be a good sign, and my neck hurts, i reckon the two are connected somehow.

my research for the essay is going a bit better now which is good, i have a few ideas that i can get down on a page, but whether its 2000 words is a different matter - but having said that i will probably end up over the word-limit.
have i got news for you was very funny last night, i only got two questions on uni challenge (9 is my highest), and i had a lovely chat with our benjamin who always makes me laugh no matter how crap i am feeling.

on with the work now i am afraid
but i have an advent calendar (well two, a religious one and a chocolate one - and i know a little taste a life time on the waist - jonathan reminds me enough).

now as i alluded to yesterday, in the evening we walked into town to watch the live battle of the bands final, as Andy and Emily had come through the heats to make the final...and i had a really good time! andy and emily were amazing....they had to do one of their own songs, and a cover of something - they did Semisonic - Secret Smile (good song, infact brilliant song, and amazing cover by them), and their own song was called "wont go away", and they sang it better than on their cd recording of it that i have on my computer. They were brilliant...Unfortunately they didnt make the top three even though they should have....although the winners were absolutely amazing. but they have managed to pick up a few gigs from people who were there which is always good news, and the winners actually asked them to do a gig with them which is fab!

have read a few good articles this morning, but i now have a lecture that is going to happen, and i want to get a paper too.

so long - will put a photo of the performers on later, as i am on campus at the mo

after a hefty day of reading, and popping to the supermarket to avaoid cabin fever, an evening at the local was thought to be a good idea, and this also gave us a chance to meet Gareths girlfriend Laura, and get to know her a bit...as always, i took the camera as these type of trips inevitably lead to some craziness from the cloister lot to occur...and last night it was beer mat flipping, with both Jon and Andy beating the previous record of 17, and managing to flip and catch 20! amazing! now that means, that the pringle in your mouth in one go record also has to be broken again!

anyways, we got a group photo (minus Lee, as we hardly ever see Lee at the moment), and well, the other girl in the photo is the afore mentioned Laura....




So from Right to Left we have:
Dave, Adrian, Me, Jonathan, Andy, Laura and Gareth....and we are the crazy gang, at our lovely local the Johnson Arms!









Have been to church this morning, and i have been reading some more journals today which has been ok. Andy is in the final of battle of the bands tonight, so the quiz is not happening as we are giving him our support instead - thats the nice bunch of people we are.

better get back to reading about the experimental method

take care you crazy kids you

after a hefty day of reading, and popping to the supermarket to avaoid cabin fever, an evening at the local was thought to be a good idea, and this also gave us a chance to meet Gareths girlfriend Laura, and get to know her a bit...as always, i took the camera as these type of trips inevitably lead to some craziness from the cloister lot to occur...and last night it was beer mat flipping, with both Jon and Andy beating the previous record of 17, and managing to flip and catch 20! amazing! now that means, that the pringle in your mouth in one go record also has to be broken again!

anyways, we got a group photo (minus Lee, as we hardly ever see Lee at the moment), and well, the other girl in the photo is the afore mentioned Laura....




So from Right to Left we have:
Dave, Adrian, Me, Jonathan, Andy, Laura and Gareth....and we are the crazy gang, at our lovely local the Johnson Arms!









Have been to church this morning, and i have been reading some more journals today which has been ok. Andy is in the final of battle of the bands tonight, so the quiz is not happening as we are giving him our support instead - thats the nice bunch of people we are.

better get back to reading about the experimental method

take care you crazy kids you

ahhh mini break through

with the help of Mr Hume and Mr Kant, have had a bit of a break thorugh with my essay, throw in a bit of Grounded theory, observation bias, and quasi-experimental method, and the jobs a good'un! well not really, but it might be....thats what i have been doing today anyways, and some of it seems like it may be related to the question, and i interupted jon from his Mr Gramsci essay to see if it made sense to him..it did!

ahh saturday mini-breakthrough day!

might pop round to the johnsons later...see if its got extended hours! but got to be up early for choir tomorrow morning!
have a good saturday eve to you all!
no snow here...and its north of a lot of you...
and i just had to climb out of jon's window as he and andy would not let me out...i had no shoes or socks on, its cold outside!

Hurrah!


“underlying causal mechanisms
hold the key to our understanding of the world”

there we go - the essence of my essay....now i just have to relate this in relation to experimental method in psychology....and this quote - "what counts for causality depends on the context and the interests of the investigator" - but at least i have got why causality is important - yes?

well i said i would block when i had a mini break-through

no proper smile yet...but thats because this is day three, and this is all I have!

ok, so i lied on my blog yesterday....
i went home feeling very sorry for myself at 12:45...it was just so deflating not finding anything. i was mega fed up. so i tried all afternoon, and still didnt find anything either - i just hate this..and it looks like the same is going to happen today, and i just dont know if i can face it today if you know what i mean....
in the evening, i was sat a bit tearful in my bedroom, and so gareth msnd me down and we had a laugh in his bedroom putting up some posters - he couldnt put them up straight, and then we talked about a lot of crap...gareth has the ability to make me laugh so much by winding me up...i dont know how he does it...well i do...he says stuff that he knows is going to wind me up, but yesterday i was saying stuff that wound him up, and i just know to say "Gareth i am not answering any of your silly questions"...
well better continue with my fruitless research...if i find anything i will be sure to blog about it..it will be a break through i assure you...i may even crack a smile you never know

you would not believe how unbelievably deflating it is, to have been researching an essay for over 10 hours (yesterday and today), and to still have found nothing of any relevance. i am trying to do my second philosophy essay, and its a nightmare - it really is. tuesday i did an essay in a day again (still needs tweaking but 2000 words are on a page).

saturday, i did see dan when on the night out, but it wasnt as bad as i thought. i found out the reason he dumped me which is not what i thought it was, which was kindof relieving, but at the same time still gutting. but ellie and i did relationship mathematics and i won! but we chatted for ages, and after he let me rant at him for a bit, we had a laugh and a giggle, and a huge hug which was nice.

anyways, better get back to the research...i have told jon that i am not going home until i have found something, and at this rate i may be here all night!

my evening of just me was much shorter then i thought it would be, as the lads and there mates didnt go out until after 11, and they wouldnt let me leave before they did...but i still manged to watch robin hood even though i was knackered and did some of the thinking that i wanted to do. tonight is the big night out as lots of people have mates up, and there is a birthday in the pgce lot as well...i hope that i dont see dan out tonight as i think that might put a wee bit of a dampner on what i am hoping is going to be a good night, after me week of work. its my weekend of work too, but i am going over notes of the module i dont understand, as the lecturer is taking me for coffee to go over the concepts that i am too thick to get.

anyways, back to validity...oh the joy
oh and if anyone texts me at night i wont reply cos i have my phone on silent, and when i am snug in bed i dont really want to invite people into my room for chats....unless i am already a wake, and at four in the morning, i try to be asleep.

just to say 5/180 credits are now handed in! not much left to go then really is there?
burnt my throat on soup last night - its very horrid for me to swallow, am going to ask the doctor this afternoon what the best thing to do is.
researching for essay as have just spent three hours doing my homework, have a few calculations left to do, and a graph to draw.
me time later, mush needed. one of the lads is away this weekend which is annoying as i chat to him loads, but then the others are here so that will be good.
week of work is nearly done, good cos i am knackered

my week of work has been very productive - i have one day left, and i hope it goes as well. today was the latest that i have ever left campus, at just before 7, but i was wanting to make sure that my essay was as good as i could make it before i give it in

Just chatted with Gareth about a number of things that have happened recently, and basically i have been told i am not allowed to sit in my room miserable and alone anymore...i have to go to his. and he has just given me a treat for tomorrow evening - its the ultimate treat - its the Disney version of Robin Hood to watch when i have my me time tomorrow evening - i just cant wait!

essay in tomorrow, and then doctors too, with my day of work inbetween of course!

well....
after the events of friday night, i worked hard all saturday, (well i watched the second half of the football, whilst getting wound up by Gareth). Anyways, in the evening, i was just going to go to the cinema with Jon, but gareth and adrian invited us to a critical theory flat party, and to Albion House we went. it was a good evening, i did the required amount of mingling, and both gareth and jon found out that i was ticklish.














The last time Gareth invites me to a Jon and i take tickling very seriously
crtical theory party

now albion house is right next door to sainsburys, and on the way out, jon and gareth found a trolley - and students and trolley - you can guess what happened!













Jon and Gareth and trolley Ok, so i pushed the trolley as well

then they found a huge pile of leaves. Gareth, in touch with his nature decided to dive in them, and then tried to get me to...i said no, but it seemed like i had no choice - i was rugby tackled into them (i put up a good fight first), and then was completely smothered in leaves by jon and gareth.

Even had a slug on the face - Gareth oh dear...leaves everywhere....
moved it for me

gareth and i had a long chat whilst in the leaves, and ended up crying to him about all my problems...he and jon were very sweet, and held my hand and hugged me the rest of the eway home

sunday - worked
monday - lecture and worked, and then uni challenge, where i got a surprising number of questions right
today - worked

oh - this week is my week of work, not going out till saturday!
have fun all of you....i am going to cook tea and try and ring our benjamin

so the last few days have just flown past.
thursday i did an essay in a day...its for a months time, so i can tweak it - as it does need tweaking, but the basis of an essay is there! I finished it at 9:30 in the evening. also on that day i raided andys cd collection, and found that he had all three matchbox 20 albums which was fab, cos i copied them onto my compueter, and they are just so good to listen to (ben i suggest them for you).

yesterday i had a group meeting about the essay wrote - everyone is on the same lines which is good, and then i started researching for my next essay - the psychological contract, then i had a panic attack so i told my tutor who is lovely, and she is going to talk to my lecturers about things for me. and then i got books out to do my homework (yep we were set homework)
i was doing said homework in the evening, until jon came up at 9:15 - told me to stop - and we went to spar to buy cider, and sat in flat two (neither jon or my flat - its adrians, gareths daves and anmars flat), and watched great friday night telly! then had a deep and meaningful chat about stuff, and then came up with the genius idea of swapping the kitchen around (only with the stuff we knew belonged to dave, gareth and adrian though). so we swapped their food cupboards, we moved the microwave, hid all the cuttlery, turned the table upside down, put the newspapers in the freezer, along with the collander, put the washing powder on the outside window ledge, and put the washing up liquid in the fridge, and turned the posters upside down, and put frying pans and kettles in the washing machine, and mugs in the grill, and oven! bloody brilliant. havnt seen them yet today, am waiting for my partner in crime before i venture to the flat.

have finished my homework this morning, and have read a really good journal about the psychological contract, whilct listening to fab music!

good luck for unite guys, will be thinking of you
x

yesterday i worked for seven and a half hours in the library - and on the way home i got really wet...it rained so much....and i did more work when i got in, and in the evening i feel asleep whilst reading, to wake up surrounded by all my journals, and finally i crawled into bed, as i had a nine this morning to get to.

anyways, am gutted as my mini disc doesnt appear to be working this minute - i dont know why, and andy doesnt know why either..hmm its an annoyance cos i have to have music when on campus to keep me occupied whilst working...at the moment i am doing a detailed essay plan so i can get writing on whether goal setting theory is a complete theory of work motivation (it isnt is the simple answer, but why....you really dont want to know). having been given three more essays this week, it brings my total to seven...having already done one that six to go! bring it on, an essay a week it looks like, not even thinking about revision!

anyways, i thought that i would put some photos of the people i keep on talking about so you know who they are for future reference:



this is me and andy at a quiz we won! andy got me chocolates when i was down, fixes my computer, cooks good stir fry and plays and sings in a band.







This is jon(athan) and i - jon is my style guru and is the quiz genius, and is very good at looking after me! he also is the man to go to when you need an appropriate quote, and makes me laugh, and came to walk me home when i was dumped - could i ask for anything more?






This is me and Adrian at the post-grad party - adrian is a very good cook, and also often goes Hey in a cool jazz club kindof way - love it!







this is me and Gareth, and teeth. gareth is great, he has longish hair, hes a vegan, uses insence, and has the best irish accent ever. i have good long chats with him - he is second in my styling to jon, and gives bloody good hugs when i need them.






This is me and Dave - Dave was a doctor, and so has answered many of my medical queeries. dave also gives me peppermint tea, sometimes drives me to Sainsburys and gives us all a fatherly figure. we love dave.






i do have girlfriends too i have to say, but these are the people in my block i hang with most often. my flat mates are lovely, but i dont have pictures of them, and i do have some course mates but i will put their photos up soon, so i dont overload this post with photos!

so, now you can put faces to names. now i was going to leave my essay to the weekend, but i do think that i am going to start it tomorrow, so i can start researching the next one at the weekend..no rest!

well, i have been reading non-stop recently. friday evening i did some work, before it was time to go for a quick pint in the Johsons our local 30 seconds away. gareth, adrian, andy, jon and dave were on top form with their jokes today, and after i had tea in falt two, and then said goodnight - it was time for sleep.

saturday i read journal articles for a large proportion of the day,a nd did my washing (it was getting bad), and then went into the country for a drive with dave, jon and gareth, and saw Ken Clarke in Sainsburys! got home and did some more work, before watching the firework display from my room. i had a pants tea of a fried egg and a carrot, and the gareth and jon chose my outfit for the night (big girls). andy had mates up so we were having a night in town - at one point it was nine men and me - proportions zosia likes! but then we bumped into the occ psych girls which was good (well they hunted us down).

sunday - i went to mass which was really nice - it was the international mass! i then read journals all afternoon, and it was the pub quiz in the eveningl - we were one point down from the winners this week, and i am afraid that it was my fault - i made a huge mistake that the lads wont let me forget for a long time. had a good chat with gareth on the way home, and he gave me a huge hug before i went to bed

yesterday, i was up for a study group, started a new really interesting module - which i was really into, then worked in the library till 6:40...and so got home late..but even if i leave capmus at 5 now, it will be dark, so i have to walk home in the dark anyways, but nottingham is not as dangerous as people make it out to be

now, essay research...have a self managed learning group about it this week

hello blog
well have been living in the library again this week. either doing extra reading for modules, or essay research - ibut its ok, cos i am enjoying it/ had a meeting with the girls this morn, as three of us are doing the same essay, so we were bouncing ideas off each other and stuff - there is so much info out there, getting it into 2000 words is tricky! but hey, at least i have some interest in this topic, and i can see how it is relevant to organisations.
saw the lecturer about the other one, and went through my main ideas with him, and he said it was one of tehe best plans that he has heard, so i was pleased with that. have been to counselling and student support this week - outcome varried.

am off to have my lunch, have worked for four hours soli, and 1 and a bit hours before i came to campus - my carrot is crying to be eaten.

have a good weekend, and remember that fireworks are dangerous if not lit by a responsible adult...have fun in ottery you crazy kids you!

hello blog
well its monday morning, and i have a tutorial in an hour, which i dont think will be too bad which is ok. this weekend i wrote my first assessed essay, its not in till mid november, but i have a few more essays to write and so i wanted to gte it out of the way.

yesterday at mass, i nearly cried - i dont really know why, i just suddenly came over all emotional which was strange - it was such a nice service, we sang some reallu beautiful hymns, and that may have done it. but i really needed a good service, i really did, i have been feeling so spiritually low recently.

saturday night was the post-grad social, i went with some of the lads, and chatted to them...it was actually gareth who i spent most of the night chatting to, and he gave me an over-enthusiastic hug, which led to wine spillage, but it was nice. he gave me a lot of good words to think about, and when we got in he made me honey and lemon, in an attempt to stop my dirty cough that i have, it failed.

have heard from dan - we are going to do our best to stay mates, which is good, because we do have very similar social circles so we are bound to see each other when out, so we will see how things go. i am gutted at the end of the day, but as so many have said, it obviously wasnt meant to be, and i was asking God for his advice, and maybe God was telling that he is not the man for me.

anyways, going to straighten my hair and make my lunch for campus - researching another essay today - joy of joys!

the library is really becoming my home at the moment. If I am not in it, then I am looking to see what journals and books are available for me to get from it, or i am using the e-journal, e-book system that they have...such is my existence at the moment. and i know that as a masters student this is what i should be expecting, but it does get very tiresome also. today, i have been reading some quite good articles for my essay that i am going to write a draft of tomorrow - what a fun way to spend a saturday, and so next week, i can start researching for my next three essays i am to write! yep they do indeed work us hard here! but some of it i am really enjoying, and some is much harder than the rest.

am really lacking the spiritual feel at the moment, and although i know that God is there for me, i am finding ti very hard to find him, if that makes any sense at all.

dont think that I am going to go out tonight, or if i do it will be to the Johnsons, the local a stones throw away which is actually also a very nice pub that takes all of 30 seconds to get to. will maybe see if andy, gareth and adrian want to go, if not then i will watch father ted in my room!
right, a little more work is to be done, and then off home, its not dark yet, so its still safe for me to walk back, although i have walked home in the dark from campus a few times now, and its been pretty safe so far.

i just have to blog a bit before bed, as i have just chatted to my english flat mate - cathy. she asked me how dan was, and so i told her about what had happened -without crying - bring it on. and she was so nice about it, she said that he was really foolish, and really mean, and that even though she has only known me for a month that she could see that i was a really sweet girl, and that i deserve better, and i can get better and i know that, but i just want to say thank you for everyone who has given me support. i have been feeling ultimatley shitty as i have a nasty cold too, which doest help, but everyone has been so nice, and i dont know what i have done to have such nice people around me, i certainly dont deserve it all. it is going to take longer to trust people now, its so hard for me to trust people, but i hope that this doesnt make me put up too many more barriers.

now its time for bed cos i am knackered as i told the doctor yesterday...and i booked a counsellor appointment today.

oh and happy birthday to my cousin amanda

ok, so yesterday wasnt the best day either. I had my doctors appointment, and cried through it so mch, that she has suggested counselling, and now and because of other things that I have done recently, i think that I am in agreement, and will see if it helps more this time. I worked in the library and i was praying that Dan wasnt going to be there today, and luckily he wasnt, which was good. my lecture in the afternoon was very hard to understand, but it was ok i suppose, just have to do the reading for it.

even though the doctor told me that I should be trying to eat more, i wasnt very bothered about my tea, and so ended up having half a tim of veg soup, and a yoghurt. the lads wanted me to go to the pub, but i didnt want to go, but comprimised saying i would watch lost with them, and when i didnt go down they rang my phone until i went, and i am glad they did, cos they do cheer me up and look after me.

didnt cry yesterday evening which was good. there are just so many things going round in my head, that I am glad that I am able to write the poetry to get it down on paper. am feeling a little better today, people ae being very kind to me which is lovely, and had a good msn with amy last night which was fab.

well, one seminar down, one more to go, then my lectures over for this week, but i am going to try and write my philosophy essay this weekend - joy of joys

well...

yesterday was not the best day in the world ever, i can tell you that for sure. and i had left quite an upbeat post yesterday morning too, but then something completely unexpected happened. as you may have realised from my blog, a pgce student who is scottish and called dan has been cropping up quite a bit - well i have been seeing him for three weeks, and we were official for a bit, but yesterday for our "coffee" meeting, i was dumped - great! all the cliches came out - its not you, its me, you're a great girl, wrong time...i still want to be mates...what did i say - well i couldnt say anything - i was dumb founded...i didnt expect it at all. he said he didnt think that he led me on -well if calling me his girlfriend, telling me i am gorgeous, when we were out not being able to leave my side and when any other bloke came up to me, he would be there arm around my waist, or holding my hand, texting me a stupid amount every day isnt leading me on, then does anyone else want to give me a definition of leading me on? anyways, i just said to him that i was gutted, and said to him, that i must have done something, or there must be stuff wrong with me for a change to happen so quickly from monday to tuesday, but apparently not - apparently i couldnt have done anything differently. i didnt cry infront of him, but i was so glad when he finally said after about 40 minutes that he was going to leave - then the tears came. i texted jon straight away, who charged up to campus to collect me and walk me home and give me a hug, and the lads were all so supportive which was lovely.

it was phils birthday evening yesterday - as you can imagine wasnt much in the mood, but i had promised that i would go. Jon dragged me out too - luckily it was fancy dress, so red puffy eyes didnt look so bad...as i was a witch anyway, jon did face paints to cover up much of the puffiness, that was after i had mummified him with toilet roll. All the occ psych guys were so supportive which was lovely, i am lucky to have them...and last night i got a text from phil himself - read this morning cos i was fast asleep - but it said "u r a star, and we all luv ya for it. U have loads of mates and we are all here for u" i dont know what u have done to get such support.

so gutted and upset really, sums up how i feel. people know that i dont trust people easily and i am quite picky, and so it was really hard to actually feel that i could trust dan, but know it going to take me longer to trust people, yet more barriers, yet more masks. oh well

doctors this morning, a month on the anti-ds so have to have a check up - not the best morning to see how i am really

Quick blog

have to be leaving for campus in a mo...feeling rough - damn cold...have had it since saturday, so couldnt see dan at the weekend at all. saw him yesterday briefly whilst in the computer room - i was coughing like anything - he came over to give me a throat sweet bless him. meeting him for coffee after my lecture this afternoon, hopefully might be a bit more talkative then yesterday. and i hope his presentation goes well. our quiz winning streak came to an end on sunday - we came third (shock horror), but with three of us with colds we were not fielding our usually string team....and Kev the landlord had not got my cuddly toy, although he has found the exact one for me that i will be receiving soon

phils birthday party tonight, dont feel too well, but have promised him that i am going, and my witch costume has been sent up especially for it, so i have to go...i wonder what dan will say when he finds out am going out dressed as a witch! he wont be that happy i think bless him.

anyways, lectures are calling

hello blog readers

this week has been incredibly up and down. have been given really horrible essays for my philosophy essay, and i found it so hard to find any journals to help me, but persistance pays off, and i have found some now, and i have been reading them all day. the module conveynor is not wanting to see me, so I have got student support on my case now.

yesterday was the Nottingham beer fest, i was going with the lads...and when in there, had a text from dan saying he was there with his mates. well i didnt know if he was on a lads night out or not, so i texted saying i was there too, and if he didnt want to see me then it was fine, but it turned out that he was like 5 metres behind me, and so we just chatted loads...occ psych girls also came, and dans mates were there too, so there was a big crowd of us...we went to a bar after the beer fest finished, and then we went to a club, but dan and i went to the club later cos we wanted to chat in the bar...but its all good really.

so other than that, have been working hard really. this philosophy essay is a mare but Jon has been ace and helping me with it, and just giving me a lot of confidence which is cool - he is a top man and i never thought that i would make a good friend so quickly - but i have.

take care everyone. ben keep on going mate, it will work out, and thanks to ed, luke, hannah, saide and mark who i hear have been very good at looking after him - thats such a relief off my mind, i feel bad that i cant do anything more proactive to help

WELL WE WERE DUE ANOTHER QUIZ WIN!!!
yep thats right, on sunday we went to the Grove for the quiz. We went in and it was a bit crowded, but luckily our table was reserved, with a big sign saying for last weeks winners on it! our team was slightly different to normal, we were adrian and debbie down which meant we were lacking in some areas. the arrival of dan didnt fill us with much hope bless him, unless a question about scotland was to come up, or about teaching...but nevertheless, we still one - this time a clear victory, coming three points higher then the second placed team. once again i was lucky enough to choose the key with the small bag of beer in it, but this week we were supposed to win a cuddly toy too. but there was no cuddly toy (i was gutted), and so he gave another crate of beer. Now i dont drink beer, so i got a bottle of wine...and next week i will be getting a cuddly toy. On the way back to ours (dan came back too, I didnt want him missing out on victory beer), i may have offended dan, saying that this was the highlight of my week....thursday was good too, a very close second...he accepted that! we went to flat two, and chatted and stuff. Dan had to go, and after i stayed and chatted with the lads, who behaved admirably infront of dan, was very happy bout that, and then went to bed.

I always thought monday would be bad when i was awoken my a fire alarm at before seven in the morning. i managed to sleep for another hour before getting up to go to my tutorial. the tutorial was good, but i stayed behind after to talk to my tutor about stuff - you can guess what stuff that was, and really had to bite my lip to stop myself from looking like a complete prick. she was really nice and really supportive and has offered to set some meetings up with people in topics that i dont really understand. i then went to the library and spent till 6 trying to research an essay but it was so unsuccessful it was silly..and on the way home i couldnt stop crying. the guys wanted to see me, but i wouldnt let them as i had big puffy eyes. i made my tea and my bro rang which was nice, and then watched uni challenge with the lads who were quite concerned, and then we chatted a bit, and i w.ent to bed early, prayed and cried

today, has been up and down again. have had some lectures, and received my coursework essays for anothet module, but these seem slightly more understandable at least which is always a bit of a start. but am trying to prepare some stuff for my seminar which is a bit crazy...am finding this philosophy lark a bit too taxking for my brain. andy very kindly cooked me my tea, and am waiting for dan to reply to my text...he might be in bed cos it is a school night after all!, and he is scottish - unreliable...and he is older, his memory might not be so good!

two posts in one day...just what is going on...well mass today really made me think loads about a lot of things. we sang today "in the Lord, I'll be ever thankful", which goes on to say, Look to God, do not be afraid; and as i was singing this, i thought why am i not doing this? i am afraid of so many things at the moment, and I have been neglecting the person who can help me with my troubles, who will always be there for me, and who i should not be afraid to tell all my worries to, because He will love me and care for me, and will be there for me when i need Him. and i just had this huge feeling that I should be praying more, and believing more, and just being more thankful in the Lord. And if I needed anymore convincing of this fact, then we later sang one of my favourite hymns "Turn to me", and there again, turn to be and be saved, there is no other, none beside me, i call your name. God will be there for me throughout all my troubles and trials. Sometimes I just feel that I may have been forgotton or neglected by some people, and it upsets me, because i dont know if I can turn to these people as much as i used to be able to, and i felt so lonely, and once again forgot that it is the Lord who i should be turning to when i need help, and security, and today, this was made clear to me in Mass, and i have been feeling quite low about the way that i have neglected some things in my faith recently, and believed that this has been a big wake up call for me.

anyways, that is what i wanted to say...

once again, its been an up and down few days. on friday night i had my first panic attack for a few days after i read the coursework questions for one of my modules...i then obviously wasnt in the mood for going out, i disappointed the lads, but i am sure that if they knew the real reason they would be really supportive. but they kept me informed as to how the night progressed, so much so i turned off my phone for the first time in ages.

yesterday i used jon and lees washing machine cos our one leaks, and then i did work. i went to the supermarket with andy and jon and i spent a stupid amount, but some of the things will last me for ages. i then was reading more, and the lads raided my room which was cool. Gareth was fascinated with the weirdest things! i chatted with them last night after i had read a journal as one of my key readings, but went to bed, as on sundays i have to be in the great hall at 1o for choir practice before mass.

anyways, hopefully things will get better, quiz tonight and we are hopefully having an honarary member joining the team, and tomorrow i have a tutorial, so i will be able to chat some things out with her.

hello dear blog readers

well in the last two days my mood has really been swinging up and down, and once again the lads have been there to support me, and i am beginning to wonder if i would have been able to get through these last few weeks without them, as they always allow me to see sense, and put a smile in my face, and each in their own individual ways make me feel better. jon uses his dead pan humour, gareth with his irish ways, and he always says "stop putting yourself down women, your great" (in an irish accent), andy, well he just makes me giggle, dave is like a big big brother figure, and adrian always has funny mannerisms that i love. i have been able to talk over a few situations that have happened this week, and they have given me things from a male perspective....i do tell them that if they ever want to do male bonding then tell me to go, but they are always happy to have me around

had a seminar today, it was really good, it was all about putting the theory into practice, and what we would do in certain situations, i really got a lot out of it...

and tonight, well i am doing something that I have not done in a long time, and thanks to the lads again for giving me support, and helping me decide what to wear (well jon anyways). will see how it goes

Well, we were due ANOTHER QUIZ WIN!!!!

yes, thats right, on sunday the cloister house lot made our way back to the Grove pub ( a damn fine pub i do have to say), to get ready for the quiz...we got our free round that we won last week, and then did the quiz this week. This week, we had to do the tie-break again, but we actually got the tie break this week too. Now in Nottingham its not just about winning the money/alcohol and thats it...oh no. they do a take your pick style thing where you get offered £20, or to pick a key. The guys let me pick the key, and i went to the boxes, and this week we won...25 cans of beer (a small bag they said), a free round of drinks next week, and the clincher...we get to choose where we sit too! so sunday night we were very happy.

Monday, came down with bang. at student support i was brutally honest with how i was feeling, about my anxiety and my depression, as i was told to take all masks off, and i was just being blunt about things which was so hard...kindof relieving but hard...and although i didnt cry in there, as soon as i got out, and entered the real world then it just really hit me as to what i had down, and then some crying started. i made my way to the jubilee campus where the occ psych books and journals are, and tried to do some work, but it was so hard to concentrate. one of the journals was a nice easy read, the other was a 62 page killer, and after that, i had just had enough. I made my way home, had a cry, did some reading from the text book that i have purchased, and then cooked tea (i have been told to eat properly and try and sleep more)...after tea i was just still feeling miserable, and although somebody was trying to cheer me up, it wasnt working - sorry. Anyways, the lads from downstairs texted me, university challenge, tea and biscuits - flat 2...and i was there. and they were so sweet...they are like my protective big brothers, and really cheered me up, and it was seriously just what i needed. we then watched with disgust the programme about women body builders (they would not let me work anymore). i went up to get an orange to find that i had been locked out of my flat, and when i got in, that our washing machine had leaked, and there was an inch of water on the floor - cathy is phoning broadgate park today! back down i went for Jack dee, but we just chatted through it, whilst laughing a gareth and his strange irish ways!

today, i have had two lectures, both extremely interesting i am very pleased to say, and had some good chats with my girls, and found out what i always thought, that male PGCE students, just like the power surge of wearing a suit and being called sir infact to quote "yeah i do get a kinda peverse surge of power from that...maybe ill be one of those anal teachers who insist on it all the time", i do worry about the future education of our children.

anyways, am feeling a little better than i did yesterday. i have chatted some things through with a variety of people, and have been told by gareth that i can talk to him about anything, bless him...but more importantly, he has the Fr Ted DVD box set - bring it on!

well
I cant remember what i said in my last post..but hey that doesnt really matter, i have a tendency to repeat myself. today has been really unproductive work wise, the journals that i wanted to read are not available on line, so i am going to have to find them in the library tomorrow, so i have been reading an e-book about the philosophy of science, which is interesting but also very confusing, and i think needs to be read with somebody else so that we can bounce off ideas to each other. but it has been productive in that i went to mass this week (went an hour early, as i have offered up my services to the music group), and i had a good pray which was nice.

on friday, i gave the english blokes in my building a shock...they saw me dressed up, and not in my baggy trousers, vest top, and my hair messily tied back in a pony-tail, and they were so shocked it was funny. i think the term jon used was "wow, you scrub up bloody well", and on msn today he said "you did look very pretty on friday, and that was the truth" which was nice. he and ellie are now going out, i feel like cilla! anyway, the reason i was dressed up on friday was because we were celebrating rachel and ollies engagement in town. dave very kindly gave me a lift in cos he didnt want me travelling in alone, and i met the occ psych people in the bar. we met with ollie, and then some of his mates who are all doing PGCE's - they were all very friendly, and it is true what fi later texted me - there were some very good looking men out that night!

yesterday i worked quite hard reading books and journals and making notes, and then i went to the pub with Lee, to meet Andy and his mates to watch the football - it was a disappointing game, and lee and i summed it up as a waste of one and a half hours. we got back to find the second fire alarm in the last few days, and gareth, lee, dave, adrian and in were playing how many people can you fit under a small umbrella - the answer not that many if you still want to remain reasonably dry. although i wanted an early night yesterday, i didnt think that when i put on my cd, it would send me straight to sleep - at 8:30! i was rudely awoken by my phone at 10:30 when it received a message and vibrated so much it fell off my desk - thanks dan - nice one, and its funny how you can detect a scottish accent in the words used in a text message!

anyways, its back to the nose in book now, pub quiz later, we have to see if we can maintain our winning streak at the Grove...and tomorrow is my meeting with student support, so i hope that goes ok

take care people

its a sad state of affairs, when a girl has to borrow a tea-towel from a bloke, and as Ellie told me today, I let the side down - i hang my head in shame, and i apologise. It all started last night when i got in late from a lecture debrief with ellie and fiona, and wanted to cook my fish for tea. I had no oven gloves, and neither did andy or jon, so whilst andy cleverly suggested just burn yourself, jon suggested a tea-towel, another thing which i dont have, but he seems to have plenty of, and he gave me one of his, which was very kind of him indeed, and meant that i could have my fish for tea. But andy redeemed himself by cooking apple pie and having cream and everything for us which was very yummy. i finished my first essay last night which was quite satisfying, well i have to put on the references but it is basically done. today i went to campus for my seminar to find out that it had been cancelled - why they dont pass on this information is beyond me! have set up ellie and jon, and they are on their date tonight so this is all very exciting! Jon is a good bloke, very funny, very clever. ellie is a good girl - very funny, very clever, so it just seemed to go. am learning about motivation at the moment, its quite good...its all about how people in the work-place can motivate their employers...

anyways, am quite worried about young ben at the moment, so can the exeter people look after him, and give him the love that he needs...and to anyone else i hope that things are going ok. i have been feeling a bit better - had a horrid lecture yesterday - it was teh curse of my second year again - the philosophy of psychology again...but it was ok i suppose, 3-5 is just a dozey time to have a lecture...oh well.

am still hanging in there you know. i have people here to support me when i am down, and they make me laugh which is nice, and i still know that i have other people scattered around various parts of the country too.

and one last thing, i just want to say congratulations to my course friend rachel, who has just gotton herself engaged! there is still good in the world!

Hello blog

well, lectures have finally started, i had my first two yesterday. One was a bit hmm, it was interesting, but the lecturer was bit poor, and basically just read the handout, and not providing much else which i thought was a bit poor, so i think that this module will be quite hard. the other lecture was very meaty and was very interesting which was good, and what i needed, something to get my teeth into, but in this module there is a bit of confusion as to how it is going to be assessed, so its all a bit confusing..never mind. anyway, after the lectures i felt a bit bummed out if i was being completely honest so ellie, fiona and i all had a coffee and chat and we have agreed to set up small learning groups where we share the reading, and can bounce ideas off each other and stuff which should be good once we get them going.

anyways, i made my way home, and the lads came up to see me, and saw that i was a bit bummed. jon later came on msn, and we had a good old chat over the computer, he was also admitting that he felt really daunted which was actually quite relaxing as all the lads seem so cool about their work - but now at least i know that some of its a front. anyways, i also felt comfortable enough to tell him about my depression which was cool, and he was really supportive, saying in fact "you have a degree, have been accepted on a masters, and have me in a building - what more can you want?". i really cant complain about them, they have been really nice, they leave messages on my door inviting me to the stuff that they do, on monday i was honoured enough to go and watch university challenge with them!

i think that my anti-depressants are heightening some aspects of my personality, like my paranoia, and anxiety about certain things..have read the side-affects and this is expected, so..but have increased the dose to what i should be taking now....and have been to student support to make an appointment and thats next week, and so have done all i can at the mo...

anyways, back to nose in books for me...have already done two hours this morning! insanity indeed!

well we were due a quiz win....

This weekend I have actually really been working, and today i have read a stupid amount of journals but its all good, it getting me back into the swing of working, especially as my lectures start tomorrow (and not today as i has first thought, and only having walked to campus did i really this was the case). Anyways, on saturday i was reasearching for my practice essay, and in the evening i was invited to the pub with the lads.

sunday i went to the Mass here in Nottingham, they have it in the great hall and it is really well attended. I have said that i will sing in the music group, so we will see how that goes. I felt that the readings yesterday really struck a chord with me...i got a lot out of it. I met the Cathsoc after, and the post-grad committee member is actually one of my lecturers!

When i got back in i did reading fo journals and stuff in the afternoon, and in the evening i went to do a pub quiz with the guys which was cool. we came joint first, but if jon had written one of my answers then we would have actually won, and we came second in the best name competition, although everyone else said that we got the loudest cheer! anyway, we have won a free round of drinks one day this week which is good.

today, i have been working really hard all day actually..i have been making notes and reading chapters from books on the essay topic i have chosen. i have been getting side-effects from the anti-ds still, and tomorrow i start the full dose, so we will see how that goes. lectures start tomorrow too, its a heavy day actually. and one day this week will sit down for a few hours and write this essay that i am reading for, and have actually planned now too. and i also made my appointment with student support today, so we will see how they turn out, and my tutor sent me a really nice email so thats all good too.

am holding on in there you know, i know that i have to do this, and i know that i want to do this, so i just have to be strong dont i? my africa team have all been praying for me which is so nice, nut prayers from any blog readers will be cool too. and i have some really nice people supporting me here too, and have just had a right giggle with my flat mates which is so nice.

Back on....

well, yesterday was a day of completely mixed emotions for me...it really was. In the night i had to tell my neighbour and her "live-in" boyfriend (breaking many rules) to stop arguing as i was trying to sleep! I then had to get up five hours later so that I could officially register at the uni! I did, and now i am an official student at Nottingham. I then went to register with the health centre, and as the loevly nurse was talking to me, it juts all came out...all my blocked up emotions of the week, just bubbled over...she was so nice about it...she was a Christian and said to me "Well, at least you have somebody extra special you can turn to dont you?". she took me right over to the doctor, and the doctor saw me, and he has put me back on the anti-d's, I am to take a smaller dose for the first few days, to let my body get used to them, and then I have to double the dose. so there we go, i did it...and it feels like a big relief just to have told a professional and admit to having a problem.

anyways, my course mates were really sweet, and saw that i had had a little tear, so were just making me laugh, especially when martin had put that he drank 50 units of alcohol a week on his doctors form, so he was offered alcohol counselling! anyways, we had the last of our compulsary talks for the week. I went to the post-grad event for the day, but nothing much happened, but two people from Cloisters were there, and so we came back together, and arranged a time to meet in the evening, and then some of the guys came up for a chat.

in the evening, Liz, Lee, Andy, Ocean (cool name!), Jonathon, David,and a foreign student who is a split image for George Michael made our way into town for the evening postgrad event. i met a few people and chatted at the bar, and then we were joined by the last few cloister lads Adrian and Gareth (yep surrounded by lads looking after me!). I met my coursemates there too, who loved the fact that i was with bout 7 blokes! we all then went to a differnt club and had quite a good time! chatted to Lee and Andy when we got in, they are cool.

so am back on the anti-ds, am having some side-effects today, but i remember these from the last time i was on them, so i know that it will go away soon. am researching for my practice essay - its only 1000 words, on anything we wanted withing occupational psychology - have emailed a title to my tutor so I hope she will like it and tell me its ok.

thats it for now

Good girl...

today I have been a good girl. We had the student union talk today giving us all the info about the PGSA and the SU, and all the support services that we have available to us. I had also just received a text from my brother which said "its just a case of being confident and asking for help when you need it", and so the two things went together, and after the talk I went to the student support table, and the lady was so nice to me. I was a bit of a nervous wreck, and eyes were glazing slightly, and she said they would do all they could to help me...so tomorrow when i have my timetable on campus with me I will be booking my time to see them...I am finally getting my arse in gear about this. Couldnt let it go on for much longer, oh and i will be signing up for the doctors too, so we will see how they can help me and what they suggest too.

i then went to the poster sale, and saw something that made me very happy. As some of you may know, in Africa some of my prayer cards went missing, and i was gutted - especially cos i lost footprints - well they had it on a poster..and so now i have that on my wall, and it will remind me of what i already know, but sometimes in times of stress have a tendency to forget.

apart from that have not got lost once yet, and i even managed to find the Sainsburys - only 15 minutes walk away - bonus! am doing a lot of walking, it must be doing some good.

spoke to my other brother on the phone yesterday, and he basically told me that there was no option to go home, and that i have all their support which was good, and that he had all confidence in me, and he knows that i work hard, and will not waste this opportunity..i just wish i had his confidence...
anyways, have to look and think positive..in a years time i will be looking back at this and wondering what it was all about huh?

Nottingham Uni so far...

well as most of you may know, I have decided in some foolish manner that i was to come back to uni and do a masters, and i thought that I had the sufficient intelligence to do so. Well...on sunday i arrived to nottingham to start this year long course, and at the moment, I feel that on this sunday i should do a u-turn and go back home, saving a lot of money, and maybe my sanity. We have been having our induction briefings so far, and althought these are quite helpful in some respects, at the same time, they are making me feel very scared about it all, and i am having the will i cope alarm bells ringing frantically in my head. I am in a student flat which is quite nice...there is one other english girl with me, the rest are internationals. My course freinds are also surrounded by internationals, so it is nice to meet up with them, and hear other english accents. Not that i have anything against internationals at all, its just nice to speak to English people some time. Anyways, on monday ten of the english people from my block went to the pub which was really cool, and then last night our department did us a team bonding night/evening really so that we can do our full compulsory amount of mingling before you actuallu go insane...

am very scared at the moment. I have had my first panic attacks in ages, and it wasnt particularly pleasant. and i have had a few more since, and in the induction today i was nearly in tears because i just feel so stupid and pathetic about this all. I kindof just want the course to start so i can get my teeth into something, but at the same time i am thinking shall i just escape now because it will save a lot of money... oh i really have to go to the doctors, go to the chaplains,my tutot, and people, can you really pray for me...I feel that maybe i havnt been spending as much time as i could be with God, and so this really is my time...

Just to say that I am in Nottingham safe and sound, have manged to get the internet going all on my own, have not got lost yet (amazing I know!), and althought i have been naughty and gone out alone at night, i have not been approached by anyone but before anyone gets scared, i will nt be making a habit of it!

will tell you more about Nottingham another entry, cos this one I wanted to say Happy birthday my dear Benjamin Arnold! I hope that your liver survives this year...Thank you for being such an awesome friend, it really does mean a lot to me, and I hope that yo have had a good day! You are a star and make me laugh so much....and i really love that...i can be happy or miserbale around you and you dont care! cheers for being there my lovely! and welcome to the world of being over 21, and long may you enjoy it!

The mistake that i have made today is....



...that i am supposed to be in my flat at Nottingham, and infact I am still at home cos I got the date wrong...good start hey?! and to all those who said that I was clever enough to do a masters....

never mind, the good people at Nottingham will have my key ready for me to collect tomorrow, and then maybe some of my new flat mates will be there to wlecome me, so i wont feel like a big loser!


never mind zosh...you'll get somewhere eventually

Cake Making!

I baked a cake today - and it was a proper cake with flour, sugar eggs, and butter and everything - it even has plums in it! my mum is wanting to dig into it now, cos the whole house smells of the yummyness (and yes that is a word) And why? i hear you all say - Its my nans 76th birthday today, and she deserves a lot of things, and so i have got het some lovely flowers and made her a cake, and I am going to go round to her house later this evening, and give her a huge hug (I always do this anyway), and treat her like the quenn she is. Anyone who knows me , knows how proud I am of my nan, and she is the woman that I aspire to be, so I just want to say STOLAT Babcia, and love you more than you will ever know (and thats a hell of a lot of love). My babcia is the person that I do miss the most when I am away. she doesnt know this, but she sent me a letter whilst I was in Africa, and it took ages to come, but it arrived on my birthday - and i was so happy that it came on this day that I just cried my eyes out. That was the best present that anyone could have given to me - it was ace. and what Andrew as best man said in his speech about the Babcia test is so true - all you prospect boyfriends had better watch out!

Am glad to see that Ben has turned the corner and is on the cheery road again...and Ben i dont have that Mr Right just yet, hes a bit of a bugger really, and am at a loss as to what to do!

happy birthday babcia! kocham ciebie mocno.

Listening to a cd tonight whilst packing my clothes for uni, some of the lyrics really struck me, and so i am going to write some of them on my blog:

"I caught the briefest glimpse, I havent seen it since, When you smile at me Where'd you smile from. From insecurity"

"Have you ever let someone in to unmask you"

"And I'm hoping the God can make good things of our lives His love survives the greatest struggles"

"I wrestle with eternal questions"

"I push you away from me. protect myself"

Now its not often when music of the secular nature really speaks out to me, usually I just put a cd on, and sing to the tune, and ignore the words. but today, I have really been listening to lyrics of things, not just my cd, but songs on the radio too. Now 90% of the time, they really are drivel, but sometimes you can get gems.

Like I do push so many people away just to protect myself, and thats a huge weakness of mine, and sometimes i dont let people in to protect myself, because if I drop my guard, or if there is someone i like I dont tell them, because i know that its going to end in a huge fall, so i put up another barrier so that i can protect myself, and this is why it is hard for me to find a person i can trust, or even think to build a strong relationship with, and why when i do like people it usually ends in nothing for fear takes over.

I put on a happy face so many times...so much so, that my mum really says she doesnt know me a lot of the time, because I am so used to doing it, and that I will find it really hard to find true happiness because i have so much going on inside that I keep to myself that it is taking over me.

So when I heard the lyrics about the un-masking, and the protection of myself, and the smile of insecurity - i really understand...i really do.

And to end this, I really do hope that God can make a good thing of my life, and over the past few months I can see that His love can get me through some struggles, and so I am going to take this stength and continue....

The Exeter Review

Well this last weekend I went to Exeter, as I needed to escape the parents, and I wanted to see some people that I hadnt seen since February, and others who I wanted to see before I go to Nottingham. So on Friday afternoon, I got to Victoria Greenline Coach Station, and caught my coach to Exeter..to be texted on the way down to go to Arena...So when Ben collected me from the coach station...we dumped my stuff there, and headed over to Eds (didnt even change clothes, do my hair or put on make up). At Eds I met Hannah, who i have never met before, Dave, who i have never met before, Luke who I have met before, and of course Ed. We all went to Arena, and had a good night.

On Saturday I met Monica and Neil, and with Ben and Mark also we went to Paignton zoo, where every animal had to have a rhyming food source to keep it alive! The zoo was good, and thanks to the escaped Picary I had a gorgeous Hippo Honeycomb ice-cream. We got back, and I made tea for people, and then via Beer Box we went to Eds, where crazy games began, including how many people we could fit on an arm-chair, making a human pyramid, and getting a haribo from the forhead to the mouth by just using face muscles. It was a very fun evening, I laughed a lot.

On Sunday, I had a mini lie in, and then Ben and I made our way to Sacred Heart, on the way bumping into Tessa which was so nice. The service was Ok, but the hymns were dreadful. I really like to praise God through music, but couldnt because I, and many other people in the church did not know the hymns at all. This was disappointing. ben and i got food, and then made our way back to his, where we looked at James and Ellas wedding photos he got at the wedding! We then went to Belmont - I have never been to Belmont before, but I really enjoyed it. As I said on the post below, I had really good me and God time, and was really deep in prayer which was really satisfying, and it made a few things clearer for me. Ben and I then did a damn good quiz

On Monday, in the morning I cooked some of the food for the evening, including the biscuit base for the angel delight cake. Ben and I then looked through the lonely hearts, to find partners for each other, and then we made our way to town to meet the lovely always smiling Tessa, and to see my favourite book in film form - Pride and Prejudice - it was a good film. Having been informed by Mark that Monica cant have milk (she wouldnt be able to have had my angel delight cake), we got some chocolate and corn flakes to make crsipy cake. Was making both said cakes when Ed came over, and to Bens disgust, Ed got to lick out the bowls. people then came round, and we all (well I think we all) had a very good night. I beat Luke at chubby bunnies - i didnt think I would, he started so well, and I laughed a lot with Hannah - I cant even remember what was funny, but we laughed so much. She is a lovely girl.

Tuesday I came back home...and then visited my friend from school Helen, who noticed the eye contact thing straight away, and told me off...and she told me that I had to get all my depression, insecurities etc sorted. She is very strict, but says the truth.

And now, well now i am packing all my stuff up. I am feeling sick with nerves, and am feeling sorry for Ben, and I dont like hearing that he is down like this, and some of it is my fault. I have other things eating away at me, but my blog is not the place for them to come out. oh, and I had to fill in a Tearfund questionnaire/debrief/feedback form which was hard...like there was questions like "Did your team leader give you support?", and I really dread to think about the rest of my team wrote for this. But I sent this, and my report back this morning.

so Exeter people, thanks so much for a lovely time, and all your attempts at calming my nerves and my inadequacies. and to all those who are there, loom out for Ben for me.

am trying to be more cheery, so that people can leave a comment on the blog - it started off well, but has kindof gone downhill a bit really hasnt it?

Hey blog

Will blog more about exeter soon...but I just wanted to say a HUGE thank you to everyone who was there and looking after me these last few days. It was so nice to see you all again and catch up. I really needed to get away for a bit, and to forget about the things that have been bothering me and eating away at me over the last few months., and it really did work. I didnt think that I could fit so much into a three days! But, what Exeter did make clear to me was that i am still so insecure about so many things...i really noticed that i could not look anyone in the eye when i spoke to them, and that must really piss everyone off...and i felt so bad, and no matter how much i tried i just couldnt bring myself to do it. It made it clear that I still worry about my wieght and size too much and it also made it clear that I am not better, and that I can cover up all my problems much quicker then actually dealing with them head on which is what i should do, but dont do. and so, times when i had the opportunity to reflect on things (and one of the most important and special times for this was in the service at Belmont, during the talk about habakuk), I was praying really hard, and got quite emotional in what I was thinking and writing, and had some really good time with God, and I just thought and knew really that the best thing is for me to go back on the anti-depressants, and start up some counselling again. So i have to thank my trip down to Exeter for making that clearer for me.

But, yesterday - and i really must thank Hannah for this - I laughed like I have not laughed for a long time, and it was really good. thanks so much sweetheart.

Hey blog

right now i am feeling a bit shitty. I am excited about going to Exeter tomorrow to see people that I havnt seen in alomost 7 months, that will be fun...

but over the last few days I have been getting increasingly more scared about going to Nottingham and my masters. i know i want to do it, there is no doubting that - what gets me is the little voice i have in my head continually telling me "you're not good enough". I think its because its been a year since i have taken on study...and i have been reading a text book that we were told that we could read if we wanted to but we didnt really have to, and if you couldnt be bothered to then it really didnt matter (but hey, you all knew that i would read it), and some of it was really hard to understand...and i know that i will be different when we have lectures and seminars and whatnot and are taught these things, but you all know what i am like..forever worrying and panicing....its not helathy is it?

i think that i am going to have to go to the docs and ask about the old medication again...i really think that although its been 7 days off a year now, (and my the time i go to the docs it will be over a year), the last few months may have been a lot easier for me if I was on them, and stopped this stupid notion that i can do without them when basically i cant. This was proven to me on one evening of my holiday, when i just really couldnt be bothered to do anything, and i just lay on my bed and cried, and just felt totally useless, and just thought about how much i hated myself and how i am and who i am, and went thorugh a mental list of what i would change about me, and basically, it just seemed to be easier to say that a new me should be formed who would be better.

i would really appreciate some prayers at this time. When watching the news they had a report on the famine in Nigre, and i just felt so stupid to be complaining about my insecurities and totally minute problems, when they are literally starving to death - i felt sick. so can we pray for them too - really really pray that somehow something will happen to make their situation so much better.

but to all the exeter guys, see you soon, and i will try my best to be happy and smiling to see you all!

Whilst in my local library yesterday, i was in the Health and Psychology section, and I saw a book called "If I am so wonderful...then why am I still single?"

a question i ask myself everyday!