having a headache for nearly four days is not really a good sign is it? and this morning when i got up i had no balance, and nearly fell over in the shower three times....oh its not good...granted this morning it was seven when i got up, and that is never good, but the workshop that i went to was very good, and i did enjoy it.

at the moment i am nearly 300 words into my killer essay that is going to be the most shocking essay ever written - but hey. i just dont really know where i am taking it. at the moment i ahve done an intro saying that if we understand the nature of causality then we will be able to have the ability to predict and control behaviour, and the best way to study casaul relations is through the experimental approach...but then there are some buts that i am going to get onto...but now i am defining cauality, with a bit of philosophy, and then i will be describing the afore mentioned experimental method...and then on who knows! as you can probably tell, as i started it at 5:30pm, i am not going attempt to do this one in one long stint...will sleep on it, and hopefully have it done by friday...then on to the next

but its not a good thing to try and do when you have had a long throbbing headache. but it has to be done sometime. i thought that it could be done to de-hydration but having drunk at least 6 pints of water today, it really cant be...maybe i will just take a stronger pain killer. am having my cv checked on friday, maybe that will help me get a career sorted...and we are all stressing as our exams are in the first three days of exam fortnight, minimising our revision time....looks like i wont be having much of a christmas break this year, as a lot of the time will be spent essay writing/workbook doing/revising! let the fun begin!

take care my loves, missing you all, and i hope that you are enjoying life, or enjoying it as much as you can

xxx

i hate just how long writing the references at the end of an essay takes...it has just taken me an hour and a half - well i did use 20 references...but still that was ridiculous.
my week of not spending any money has started appaulingly. well i had to buy a drink, newspaper, and milk on campus...but the wine gums were not necessary, and nor were the 3 posters for five pounds (although i have been wanting If for ages, and there was a gorgeous sunset poster, and i love sun-rises and sun-sets they are beautiful). and today before my careers interview there was a jewellery sale (everything £1), and i have lost a few ear-rings recently, and so i brought three pairs...so basically have spent a tenner, and its only half way through tuesday...oh zosia.

have had a headache for three days now, that cant be a good sign, and my neck hurts, i reckon the two are connected somehow.

my research for the essay is going a bit better now which is good, i have a few ideas that i can get down on a page, but whether its 2000 words is a different matter - but having said that i will probably end up over the word-limit.
have i got news for you was very funny last night, i only got two questions on uni challenge (9 is my highest), and i had a lovely chat with our benjamin who always makes me laugh no matter how crap i am feeling.

on with the work now i am afraid
but i have an advent calendar (well two, a religious one and a chocolate one - and i know a little taste a life time on the waist - jonathan reminds me enough).

now as i alluded to yesterday, in the evening we walked into town to watch the live battle of the bands final, as Andy and Emily had come through the heats to make the final...and i had a really good time! andy and emily were amazing....they had to do one of their own songs, and a cover of something - they did Semisonic - Secret Smile (good song, infact brilliant song, and amazing cover by them), and their own song was called "wont go away", and they sang it better than on their cd recording of it that i have on my computer. They were brilliant...Unfortunately they didnt make the top three even though they should have....although the winners were absolutely amazing. but they have managed to pick up a few gigs from people who were there which is always good news, and the winners actually asked them to do a gig with them which is fab!

have read a few good articles this morning, but i now have a lecture that is going to happen, and i want to get a paper too.

so long - will put a photo of the performers on later, as i am on campus at the mo

after a hefty day of reading, and popping to the supermarket to avaoid cabin fever, an evening at the local was thought to be a good idea, and this also gave us a chance to meet Gareths girlfriend Laura, and get to know her a bit...as always, i took the camera as these type of trips inevitably lead to some craziness from the cloister lot to occur...and last night it was beer mat flipping, with both Jon and Andy beating the previous record of 17, and managing to flip and catch 20! amazing! now that means, that the pringle in your mouth in one go record also has to be broken again!

anyways, we got a group photo (minus Lee, as we hardly ever see Lee at the moment), and well, the other girl in the photo is the afore mentioned Laura....




So from Right to Left we have:
Dave, Adrian, Me, Jonathan, Andy, Laura and Gareth....and we are the crazy gang, at our lovely local the Johnson Arms!









Have been to church this morning, and i have been reading some more journals today which has been ok. Andy is in the final of battle of the bands tonight, so the quiz is not happening as we are giving him our support instead - thats the nice bunch of people we are.

better get back to reading about the experimental method

take care you crazy kids you

after a hefty day of reading, and popping to the supermarket to avaoid cabin fever, an evening at the local was thought to be a good idea, and this also gave us a chance to meet Gareths girlfriend Laura, and get to know her a bit...as always, i took the camera as these type of trips inevitably lead to some craziness from the cloister lot to occur...and last night it was beer mat flipping, with both Jon and Andy beating the previous record of 17, and managing to flip and catch 20! amazing! now that means, that the pringle in your mouth in one go record also has to be broken again!

anyways, we got a group photo (minus Lee, as we hardly ever see Lee at the moment), and well, the other girl in the photo is the afore mentioned Laura....




So from Right to Left we have:
Dave, Adrian, Me, Jonathan, Andy, Laura and Gareth....and we are the crazy gang, at our lovely local the Johnson Arms!









Have been to church this morning, and i have been reading some more journals today which has been ok. Andy is in the final of battle of the bands tonight, so the quiz is not happening as we are giving him our support instead - thats the nice bunch of people we are.

better get back to reading about the experimental method

take care you crazy kids you

ahhh mini break through

with the help of Mr Hume and Mr Kant, have had a bit of a break thorugh with my essay, throw in a bit of Grounded theory, observation bias, and quasi-experimental method, and the jobs a good'un! well not really, but it might be....thats what i have been doing today anyways, and some of it seems like it may be related to the question, and i interupted jon from his Mr Gramsci essay to see if it made sense to him..it did!

ahh saturday mini-breakthrough day!

might pop round to the johnsons later...see if its got extended hours! but got to be up early for choir tomorrow morning!
have a good saturday eve to you all!
no snow here...and its north of a lot of you...
and i just had to climb out of jon's window as he and andy would not let me out...i had no shoes or socks on, its cold outside!

Hurrah!


“underlying causal mechanisms
hold the key to our understanding of the world”

there we go - the essence of my essay....now i just have to relate this in relation to experimental method in psychology....and this quote - "what counts for causality depends on the context and the interests of the investigator" - but at least i have got why causality is important - yes?

well i said i would block when i had a mini break-through

no proper smile yet...but thats because this is day three, and this is all I have!

ok, so i lied on my blog yesterday....
i went home feeling very sorry for myself at 12:45...it was just so deflating not finding anything. i was mega fed up. so i tried all afternoon, and still didnt find anything either - i just hate this..and it looks like the same is going to happen today, and i just dont know if i can face it today if you know what i mean....
in the evening, i was sat a bit tearful in my bedroom, and so gareth msnd me down and we had a laugh in his bedroom putting up some posters - he couldnt put them up straight, and then we talked about a lot of crap...gareth has the ability to make me laugh so much by winding me up...i dont know how he does it...well i do...he says stuff that he knows is going to wind me up, but yesterday i was saying stuff that wound him up, and i just know to say "Gareth i am not answering any of your silly questions"...
well better continue with my fruitless research...if i find anything i will be sure to blog about it..it will be a break through i assure you...i may even crack a smile you never know

you would not believe how unbelievably deflating it is, to have been researching an essay for over 10 hours (yesterday and today), and to still have found nothing of any relevance. i am trying to do my second philosophy essay, and its a nightmare - it really is. tuesday i did an essay in a day again (still needs tweaking but 2000 words are on a page).

saturday, i did see dan when on the night out, but it wasnt as bad as i thought. i found out the reason he dumped me which is not what i thought it was, which was kindof relieving, but at the same time still gutting. but ellie and i did relationship mathematics and i won! but we chatted for ages, and after he let me rant at him for a bit, we had a laugh and a giggle, and a huge hug which was nice.

anyways, better get back to the research...i have told jon that i am not going home until i have found something, and at this rate i may be here all night!

my evening of just me was much shorter then i thought it would be, as the lads and there mates didnt go out until after 11, and they wouldnt let me leave before they did...but i still manged to watch robin hood even though i was knackered and did some of the thinking that i wanted to do. tonight is the big night out as lots of people have mates up, and there is a birthday in the pgce lot as well...i hope that i dont see dan out tonight as i think that might put a wee bit of a dampner on what i am hoping is going to be a good night, after me week of work. its my weekend of work too, but i am going over notes of the module i dont understand, as the lecturer is taking me for coffee to go over the concepts that i am too thick to get.

anyways, back to validity...oh the joy
oh and if anyone texts me at night i wont reply cos i have my phone on silent, and when i am snug in bed i dont really want to invite people into my room for chats....unless i am already a wake, and at four in the morning, i try to be asleep.

just to say 5/180 credits are now handed in! not much left to go then really is there?
burnt my throat on soup last night - its very horrid for me to swallow, am going to ask the doctor this afternoon what the best thing to do is.
researching for essay as have just spent three hours doing my homework, have a few calculations left to do, and a graph to draw.
me time later, mush needed. one of the lads is away this weekend which is annoying as i chat to him loads, but then the others are here so that will be good.
week of work is nearly done, good cos i am knackered

my week of work has been very productive - i have one day left, and i hope it goes as well. today was the latest that i have ever left campus, at just before 7, but i was wanting to make sure that my essay was as good as i could make it before i give it in

Just chatted with Gareth about a number of things that have happened recently, and basically i have been told i am not allowed to sit in my room miserable and alone anymore...i have to go to his. and he has just given me a treat for tomorrow evening - its the ultimate treat - its the Disney version of Robin Hood to watch when i have my me time tomorrow evening - i just cant wait!

essay in tomorrow, and then doctors too, with my day of work inbetween of course!

well....
after the events of friday night, i worked hard all saturday, (well i watched the second half of the football, whilst getting wound up by Gareth). Anyways, in the evening, i was just going to go to the cinema with Jon, but gareth and adrian invited us to a critical theory flat party, and to Albion House we went. it was a good evening, i did the required amount of mingling, and both gareth and jon found out that i was ticklish.














The last time Gareth invites me to a Jon and i take tickling very seriously
crtical theory party

now albion house is right next door to sainsburys, and on the way out, jon and gareth found a trolley - and students and trolley - you can guess what happened!













Jon and Gareth and trolley Ok, so i pushed the trolley as well

then they found a huge pile of leaves. Gareth, in touch with his nature decided to dive in them, and then tried to get me to...i said no, but it seemed like i had no choice - i was rugby tackled into them (i put up a good fight first), and then was completely smothered in leaves by jon and gareth.

Even had a slug on the face - Gareth oh dear...leaves everywhere....
moved it for me

gareth and i had a long chat whilst in the leaves, and ended up crying to him about all my problems...he and jon were very sweet, and held my hand and hugged me the rest of the eway home

sunday - worked
monday - lecture and worked, and then uni challenge, where i got a surprising number of questions right
today - worked

oh - this week is my week of work, not going out till saturday!
have fun all of you....i am going to cook tea and try and ring our benjamin

so the last few days have just flown past.
thursday i did an essay in a day...its for a months time, so i can tweak it - as it does need tweaking, but the basis of an essay is there! I finished it at 9:30 in the evening. also on that day i raided andys cd collection, and found that he had all three matchbox 20 albums which was fab, cos i copied them onto my compueter, and they are just so good to listen to (ben i suggest them for you).

yesterday i had a group meeting about the essay wrote - everyone is on the same lines which is good, and then i started researching for my next essay - the psychological contract, then i had a panic attack so i told my tutor who is lovely, and she is going to talk to my lecturers about things for me. and then i got books out to do my homework (yep we were set homework)
i was doing said homework in the evening, until jon came up at 9:15 - told me to stop - and we went to spar to buy cider, and sat in flat two (neither jon or my flat - its adrians, gareths daves and anmars flat), and watched great friday night telly! then had a deep and meaningful chat about stuff, and then came up with the genius idea of swapping the kitchen around (only with the stuff we knew belonged to dave, gareth and adrian though). so we swapped their food cupboards, we moved the microwave, hid all the cuttlery, turned the table upside down, put the newspapers in the freezer, along with the collander, put the washing powder on the outside window ledge, and put the washing up liquid in the fridge, and turned the posters upside down, and put frying pans and kettles in the washing machine, and mugs in the grill, and oven! bloody brilliant. havnt seen them yet today, am waiting for my partner in crime before i venture to the flat.

have finished my homework this morning, and have read a really good journal about the psychological contract, whilct listening to fab music!

good luck for unite guys, will be thinking of you
x

yesterday i worked for seven and a half hours in the library - and on the way home i got really wet...it rained so much....and i did more work when i got in, and in the evening i feel asleep whilst reading, to wake up surrounded by all my journals, and finally i crawled into bed, as i had a nine this morning to get to.

anyways, am gutted as my mini disc doesnt appear to be working this minute - i dont know why, and andy doesnt know why either..hmm its an annoyance cos i have to have music when on campus to keep me occupied whilst working...at the moment i am doing a detailed essay plan so i can get writing on whether goal setting theory is a complete theory of work motivation (it isnt is the simple answer, but why....you really dont want to know). having been given three more essays this week, it brings my total to seven...having already done one that six to go! bring it on, an essay a week it looks like, not even thinking about revision!

anyways, i thought that i would put some photos of the people i keep on talking about so you know who they are for future reference:



this is me and andy at a quiz we won! andy got me chocolates when i was down, fixes my computer, cooks good stir fry and plays and sings in a band.







This is jon(athan) and i - jon is my style guru and is the quiz genius, and is very good at looking after me! he also is the man to go to when you need an appropriate quote, and makes me laugh, and came to walk me home when i was dumped - could i ask for anything more?






This is me and Adrian at the post-grad party - adrian is a very good cook, and also often goes Hey in a cool jazz club kindof way - love it!







this is me and Gareth, and teeth. gareth is great, he has longish hair, hes a vegan, uses insence, and has the best irish accent ever. i have good long chats with him - he is second in my styling to jon, and gives bloody good hugs when i need them.






This is me and Dave - Dave was a doctor, and so has answered many of my medical queeries. dave also gives me peppermint tea, sometimes drives me to Sainsburys and gives us all a fatherly figure. we love dave.






i do have girlfriends too i have to say, but these are the people in my block i hang with most often. my flat mates are lovely, but i dont have pictures of them, and i do have some course mates but i will put their photos up soon, so i dont overload this post with photos!

so, now you can put faces to names. now i was going to leave my essay to the weekend, but i do think that i am going to start it tomorrow, so i can start researching the next one at the weekend..no rest!

well, i have been reading non-stop recently. friday evening i did some work, before it was time to go for a quick pint in the Johsons our local 30 seconds away. gareth, adrian, andy, jon and dave were on top form with their jokes today, and after i had tea in falt two, and then said goodnight - it was time for sleep.

saturday i read journal articles for a large proportion of the day,a nd did my washing (it was getting bad), and then went into the country for a drive with dave, jon and gareth, and saw Ken Clarke in Sainsburys! got home and did some more work, before watching the firework display from my room. i had a pants tea of a fried egg and a carrot, and the gareth and jon chose my outfit for the night (big girls). andy had mates up so we were having a night in town - at one point it was nine men and me - proportions zosia likes! but then we bumped into the occ psych girls which was good (well they hunted us down).

sunday - i went to mass which was really nice - it was the international mass! i then read journals all afternoon, and it was the pub quiz in the eveningl - we were one point down from the winners this week, and i am afraid that it was my fault - i made a huge mistake that the lads wont let me forget for a long time. had a good chat with gareth on the way home, and he gave me a huge hug before i went to bed

yesterday, i was up for a study group, started a new really interesting module - which i was really into, then worked in the library till 6:40...and so got home late..but even if i leave capmus at 5 now, it will be dark, so i have to walk home in the dark anyways, but nottingham is not as dangerous as people make it out to be

now, essay research...have a self managed learning group about it this week

hello blog
well have been living in the library again this week. either doing extra reading for modules, or essay research - ibut its ok, cos i am enjoying it/ had a meeting with the girls this morn, as three of us are doing the same essay, so we were bouncing ideas off each other and stuff - there is so much info out there, getting it into 2000 words is tricky! but hey, at least i have some interest in this topic, and i can see how it is relevant to organisations.
saw the lecturer about the other one, and went through my main ideas with him, and he said it was one of tehe best plans that he has heard, so i was pleased with that. have been to counselling and student support this week - outcome varried.

am off to have my lunch, have worked for four hours soli, and 1 and a bit hours before i came to campus - my carrot is crying to be eaten.

have a good weekend, and remember that fireworks are dangerous if not lit by a responsible adult...have fun in ottery you crazy kids you!

hello blog
well its monday morning, and i have a tutorial in an hour, which i dont think will be too bad which is ok. this weekend i wrote my first assessed essay, its not in till mid november, but i have a few more essays to write and so i wanted to gte it out of the way.

yesterday at mass, i nearly cried - i dont really know why, i just suddenly came over all emotional which was strange - it was such a nice service, we sang some reallu beautiful hymns, and that may have done it. but i really needed a good service, i really did, i have been feeling so spiritually low recently.

saturday night was the post-grad social, i went with some of the lads, and chatted to them...it was actually gareth who i spent most of the night chatting to, and he gave me an over-enthusiastic hug, which led to wine spillage, but it was nice. he gave me a lot of good words to think about, and when we got in he made me honey and lemon, in an attempt to stop my dirty cough that i have, it failed.

have heard from dan - we are going to do our best to stay mates, which is good, because we do have very similar social circles so we are bound to see each other when out, so we will see how things go. i am gutted at the end of the day, but as so many have said, it obviously wasnt meant to be, and i was asking God for his advice, and maybe God was telling that he is not the man for me.

anyways, going to straighten my hair and make my lunch for campus - researching another essay today - joy of joys!

the library is really becoming my home at the moment. If I am not in it, then I am looking to see what journals and books are available for me to get from it, or i am using the e-journal, e-book system that they have...such is my existence at the moment. and i know that as a masters student this is what i should be expecting, but it does get very tiresome also. today, i have been reading some quite good articles for my essay that i am going to write a draft of tomorrow - what a fun way to spend a saturday, and so next week, i can start researching for my next three essays i am to write! yep they do indeed work us hard here! but some of it i am really enjoying, and some is much harder than the rest.

am really lacking the spiritual feel at the moment, and although i know that God is there for me, i am finding ti very hard to find him, if that makes any sense at all.

dont think that I am going to go out tonight, or if i do it will be to the Johnsons, the local a stones throw away which is actually also a very nice pub that takes all of 30 seconds to get to. will maybe see if andy, gareth and adrian want to go, if not then i will watch father ted in my room!
right, a little more work is to be done, and then off home, its not dark yet, so its still safe for me to walk back, although i have walked home in the dark from campus a few times now, and its been pretty safe so far.

i just have to blog a bit before bed, as i have just chatted to my english flat mate - cathy. she asked me how dan was, and so i told her about what had happened -without crying - bring it on. and she was so nice about it, she said that he was really foolish, and really mean, and that even though she has only known me for a month that she could see that i was a really sweet girl, and that i deserve better, and i can get better and i know that, but i just want to say thank you for everyone who has given me support. i have been feeling ultimatley shitty as i have a nasty cold too, which doest help, but everyone has been so nice, and i dont know what i have done to have such nice people around me, i certainly dont deserve it all. it is going to take longer to trust people now, its so hard for me to trust people, but i hope that this doesnt make me put up too many more barriers.

now its time for bed cos i am knackered as i told the doctor yesterday...and i booked a counsellor appointment today.

oh and happy birthday to my cousin amanda

ok, so yesterday wasnt the best day either. I had my doctors appointment, and cried through it so mch, that she has suggested counselling, and now and because of other things that I have done recently, i think that I am in agreement, and will see if it helps more this time. I worked in the library and i was praying that Dan wasnt going to be there today, and luckily he wasnt, which was good. my lecture in the afternoon was very hard to understand, but it was ok i suppose, just have to do the reading for it.

even though the doctor told me that I should be trying to eat more, i wasnt very bothered about my tea, and so ended up having half a tim of veg soup, and a yoghurt. the lads wanted me to go to the pub, but i didnt want to go, but comprimised saying i would watch lost with them, and when i didnt go down they rang my phone until i went, and i am glad they did, cos they do cheer me up and look after me.

didnt cry yesterday evening which was good. there are just so many things going round in my head, that I am glad that I am able to write the poetry to get it down on paper. am feeling a little better today, people ae being very kind to me which is lovely, and had a good msn with amy last night which was fab.

well, one seminar down, one more to go, then my lectures over for this week, but i am going to try and write my philosophy essay this weekend - joy of joys

well...

yesterday was not the best day in the world ever, i can tell you that for sure. and i had left quite an upbeat post yesterday morning too, but then something completely unexpected happened. as you may have realised from my blog, a pgce student who is scottish and called dan has been cropping up quite a bit - well i have been seeing him for three weeks, and we were official for a bit, but yesterday for our "coffee" meeting, i was dumped - great! all the cliches came out - its not you, its me, you're a great girl, wrong time...i still want to be mates...what did i say - well i couldnt say anything - i was dumb founded...i didnt expect it at all. he said he didnt think that he led me on -well if calling me his girlfriend, telling me i am gorgeous, when we were out not being able to leave my side and when any other bloke came up to me, he would be there arm around my waist, or holding my hand, texting me a stupid amount every day isnt leading me on, then does anyone else want to give me a definition of leading me on? anyways, i just said to him that i was gutted, and said to him, that i must have done something, or there must be stuff wrong with me for a change to happen so quickly from monday to tuesday, but apparently not - apparently i couldnt have done anything differently. i didnt cry infront of him, but i was so glad when he finally said after about 40 minutes that he was going to leave - then the tears came. i texted jon straight away, who charged up to campus to collect me and walk me home and give me a hug, and the lads were all so supportive which was lovely.

it was phils birthday evening yesterday - as you can imagine wasnt much in the mood, but i had promised that i would go. Jon dragged me out too - luckily it was fancy dress, so red puffy eyes didnt look so bad...as i was a witch anyway, jon did face paints to cover up much of the puffiness, that was after i had mummified him with toilet roll. All the occ psych guys were so supportive which was lovely, i am lucky to have them...and last night i got a text from phil himself - read this morning cos i was fast asleep - but it said "u r a star, and we all luv ya for it. U have loads of mates and we are all here for u" i dont know what u have done to get such support.

so gutted and upset really, sums up how i feel. people know that i dont trust people easily and i am quite picky, and so it was really hard to actually feel that i could trust dan, but know it going to take me longer to trust people, yet more barriers, yet more masks. oh well

doctors this morning, a month on the anti-ds so have to have a check up - not the best morning to see how i am really

Quick blog

have to be leaving for campus in a mo...feeling rough - damn cold...have had it since saturday, so couldnt see dan at the weekend at all. saw him yesterday briefly whilst in the computer room - i was coughing like anything - he came over to give me a throat sweet bless him. meeting him for coffee after my lecture this afternoon, hopefully might be a bit more talkative then yesterday. and i hope his presentation goes well. our quiz winning streak came to an end on sunday - we came third (shock horror), but with three of us with colds we were not fielding our usually string team....and Kev the landlord had not got my cuddly toy, although he has found the exact one for me that i will be receiving soon

phils birthday party tonight, dont feel too well, but have promised him that i am going, and my witch costume has been sent up especially for it, so i have to go...i wonder what dan will say when he finds out am going out dressed as a witch! he wont be that happy i think bless him.

anyways, lectures are calling

hello blog readers

this week has been incredibly up and down. have been given really horrible essays for my philosophy essay, and i found it so hard to find any journals to help me, but persistance pays off, and i have found some now, and i have been reading them all day. the module conveynor is not wanting to see me, so I have got student support on my case now.

yesterday was the Nottingham beer fest, i was going with the lads...and when in there, had a text from dan saying he was there with his mates. well i didnt know if he was on a lads night out or not, so i texted saying i was there too, and if he didnt want to see me then it was fine, but it turned out that he was like 5 metres behind me, and so we just chatted loads...occ psych girls also came, and dans mates were there too, so there was a big crowd of us...we went to a bar after the beer fest finished, and then we went to a club, but dan and i went to the club later cos we wanted to chat in the bar...but its all good really.

so other than that, have been working hard really. this philosophy essay is a mare but Jon has been ace and helping me with it, and just giving me a lot of confidence which is cool - he is a top man and i never thought that i would make a good friend so quickly - but i have.

take care everyone. ben keep on going mate, it will work out, and thanks to ed, luke, hannah, saide and mark who i hear have been very good at looking after him - thats such a relief off my mind, i feel bad that i cant do anything more proactive to help

WELL WE WERE DUE ANOTHER QUIZ WIN!!!
yep thats right, on sunday we went to the Grove for the quiz. We went in and it was a bit crowded, but luckily our table was reserved, with a big sign saying for last weeks winners on it! our team was slightly different to normal, we were adrian and debbie down which meant we were lacking in some areas. the arrival of dan didnt fill us with much hope bless him, unless a question about scotland was to come up, or about teaching...but nevertheless, we still one - this time a clear victory, coming three points higher then the second placed team. once again i was lucky enough to choose the key with the small bag of beer in it, but this week we were supposed to win a cuddly toy too. but there was no cuddly toy (i was gutted), and so he gave another crate of beer. Now i dont drink beer, so i got a bottle of wine...and next week i will be getting a cuddly toy. On the way back to ours (dan came back too, I didnt want him missing out on victory beer), i may have offended dan, saying that this was the highlight of my week....thursday was good too, a very close second...he accepted that! we went to flat two, and chatted and stuff. Dan had to go, and after i stayed and chatted with the lads, who behaved admirably infront of dan, was very happy bout that, and then went to bed.

I always thought monday would be bad when i was awoken my a fire alarm at before seven in the morning. i managed to sleep for another hour before getting up to go to my tutorial. the tutorial was good, but i stayed behind after to talk to my tutor about stuff - you can guess what stuff that was, and really had to bite my lip to stop myself from looking like a complete prick. she was really nice and really supportive and has offered to set some meetings up with people in topics that i dont really understand. i then went to the library and spent till 6 trying to research an essay but it was so unsuccessful it was silly..and on the way home i couldnt stop crying. the guys wanted to see me, but i wouldnt let them as i had big puffy eyes. i made my tea and my bro rang which was nice, and then watched uni challenge with the lads who were quite concerned, and then we chatted a bit, and i w.ent to bed early, prayed and cried

today, has been up and down again. have had some lectures, and received my coursework essays for anothet module, but these seem slightly more understandable at least which is always a bit of a start. but am trying to prepare some stuff for my seminar which is a bit crazy...am finding this philosophy lark a bit too taxking for my brain. andy very kindly cooked me my tea, and am waiting for dan to reply to my text...he might be in bed cos it is a school night after all!, and he is scottish - unreliable...and he is older, his memory might not be so good!

two posts in one day...just what is going on...well mass today really made me think loads about a lot of things. we sang today "in the Lord, I'll be ever thankful", which goes on to say, Look to God, do not be afraid; and as i was singing this, i thought why am i not doing this? i am afraid of so many things at the moment, and I have been neglecting the person who can help me with my troubles, who will always be there for me, and who i should not be afraid to tell all my worries to, because He will love me and care for me, and will be there for me when i need Him. and i just had this huge feeling that I should be praying more, and believing more, and just being more thankful in the Lord. And if I needed anymore convincing of this fact, then we later sang one of my favourite hymns "Turn to me", and there again, turn to be and be saved, there is no other, none beside me, i call your name. God will be there for me throughout all my troubles and trials. Sometimes I just feel that I may have been forgotton or neglected by some people, and it upsets me, because i dont know if I can turn to these people as much as i used to be able to, and i felt so lonely, and once again forgot that it is the Lord who i should be turning to when i need help, and security, and today, this was made clear to me in Mass, and i have been feeling quite low about the way that i have neglected some things in my faith recently, and believed that this has been a big wake up call for me.

anyways, that is what i wanted to say...

once again, its been an up and down few days. on friday night i had my first panic attack for a few days after i read the coursework questions for one of my modules...i then obviously wasnt in the mood for going out, i disappointed the lads, but i am sure that if they knew the real reason they would be really supportive. but they kept me informed as to how the night progressed, so much so i turned off my phone for the first time in ages.

yesterday i used jon and lees washing machine cos our one leaks, and then i did work. i went to the supermarket with andy and jon and i spent a stupid amount, but some of the things will last me for ages. i then was reading more, and the lads raided my room which was cool. Gareth was fascinated with the weirdest things! i chatted with them last night after i had read a journal as one of my key readings, but went to bed, as on sundays i have to be in the great hall at 1o for choir practice before mass.

anyways, hopefully things will get better, quiz tonight and we are hopefully having an honarary member joining the team, and tomorrow i have a tutorial, so i will be able to chat some things out with her.

hello dear blog readers

well in the last two days my mood has really been swinging up and down, and once again the lads have been there to support me, and i am beginning to wonder if i would have been able to get through these last few weeks without them, as they always allow me to see sense, and put a smile in my face, and each in their own individual ways make me feel better. jon uses his dead pan humour, gareth with his irish ways, and he always says "stop putting yourself down women, your great" (in an irish accent), andy, well he just makes me giggle, dave is like a big big brother figure, and adrian always has funny mannerisms that i love. i have been able to talk over a few situations that have happened this week, and they have given me things from a male perspective....i do tell them that if they ever want to do male bonding then tell me to go, but they are always happy to have me around

had a seminar today, it was really good, it was all about putting the theory into practice, and what we would do in certain situations, i really got a lot out of it...

and tonight, well i am doing something that I have not done in a long time, and thanks to the lads again for giving me support, and helping me decide what to wear (well jon anyways). will see how it goes

Well, we were due ANOTHER QUIZ WIN!!!!

yes, thats right, on sunday the cloister house lot made our way back to the Grove pub ( a damn fine pub i do have to say), to get ready for the quiz...we got our free round that we won last week, and then did the quiz this week. This week, we had to do the tie-break again, but we actually got the tie break this week too. Now in Nottingham its not just about winning the money/alcohol and thats it...oh no. they do a take your pick style thing where you get offered £20, or to pick a key. The guys let me pick the key, and i went to the boxes, and this week we won...25 cans of beer (a small bag they said), a free round of drinks next week, and the clincher...we get to choose where we sit too! so sunday night we were very happy.

Monday, came down with bang. at student support i was brutally honest with how i was feeling, about my anxiety and my depression, as i was told to take all masks off, and i was just being blunt about things which was so hard...kindof relieving but hard...and although i didnt cry in there, as soon as i got out, and entered the real world then it just really hit me as to what i had down, and then some crying started. i made my way to the jubilee campus where the occ psych books and journals are, and tried to do some work, but it was so hard to concentrate. one of the journals was a nice easy read, the other was a 62 page killer, and after that, i had just had enough. I made my way home, had a cry, did some reading from the text book that i have purchased, and then cooked tea (i have been told to eat properly and try and sleep more)...after tea i was just still feeling miserable, and although somebody was trying to cheer me up, it wasnt working - sorry. Anyways, the lads from downstairs texted me, university challenge, tea and biscuits - flat 2...and i was there. and they were so sweet...they are like my protective big brothers, and really cheered me up, and it was seriously just what i needed. we then watched with disgust the programme about women body builders (they would not let me work anymore). i went up to get an orange to find that i had been locked out of my flat, and when i got in, that our washing machine had leaked, and there was an inch of water on the floor - cathy is phoning broadgate park today! back down i went for Jack dee, but we just chatted through it, whilst laughing a gareth and his strange irish ways!

today, i have had two lectures, both extremely interesting i am very pleased to say, and had some good chats with my girls, and found out what i always thought, that male PGCE students, just like the power surge of wearing a suit and being called sir infact to quote "yeah i do get a kinda peverse surge of power from that...maybe ill be one of those anal teachers who insist on it all the time", i do worry about the future education of our children.

anyways, am feeling a little better than i did yesterday. i have chatted some things through with a variety of people, and have been told by gareth that i can talk to him about anything, bless him...but more importantly, he has the Fr Ted DVD box set - bring it on!

well
I cant remember what i said in my last post..but hey that doesnt really matter, i have a tendency to repeat myself. today has been really unproductive work wise, the journals that i wanted to read are not available on line, so i am going to have to find them in the library tomorrow, so i have been reading an e-book about the philosophy of science, which is interesting but also very confusing, and i think needs to be read with somebody else so that we can bounce off ideas to each other. but it has been productive in that i went to mass this week (went an hour early, as i have offered up my services to the music group), and i had a good pray which was nice.

on friday, i gave the english blokes in my building a shock...they saw me dressed up, and not in my baggy trousers, vest top, and my hair messily tied back in a pony-tail, and they were so shocked it was funny. i think the term jon used was "wow, you scrub up bloody well", and on msn today he said "you did look very pretty on friday, and that was the truth" which was nice. he and ellie are now going out, i feel like cilla! anyway, the reason i was dressed up on friday was because we were celebrating rachel and ollies engagement in town. dave very kindly gave me a lift in cos he didnt want me travelling in alone, and i met the occ psych people in the bar. we met with ollie, and then some of his mates who are all doing PGCE's - they were all very friendly, and it is true what fi later texted me - there were some very good looking men out that night!

yesterday i worked quite hard reading books and journals and making notes, and then i went to the pub with Lee, to meet Andy and his mates to watch the football - it was a disappointing game, and lee and i summed it up as a waste of one and a half hours. we got back to find the second fire alarm in the last few days, and gareth, lee, dave, adrian and in were playing how many people can you fit under a small umbrella - the answer not that many if you still want to remain reasonably dry. although i wanted an early night yesterday, i didnt think that when i put on my cd, it would send me straight to sleep - at 8:30! i was rudely awoken by my phone at 10:30 when it received a message and vibrated so much it fell off my desk - thanks dan - nice one, and its funny how you can detect a scottish accent in the words used in a text message!

anyways, its back to the nose in book now, pub quiz later, we have to see if we can maintain our winning streak at the Grove...and tomorrow is my meeting with student support, so i hope that goes ok

take care people

its a sad state of affairs, when a girl has to borrow a tea-towel from a bloke, and as Ellie told me today, I let the side down - i hang my head in shame, and i apologise. It all started last night when i got in late from a lecture debrief with ellie and fiona, and wanted to cook my fish for tea. I had no oven gloves, and neither did andy or jon, so whilst andy cleverly suggested just burn yourself, jon suggested a tea-towel, another thing which i dont have, but he seems to have plenty of, and he gave me one of his, which was very kind of him indeed, and meant that i could have my fish for tea. But andy redeemed himself by cooking apple pie and having cream and everything for us which was very yummy. i finished my first essay last night which was quite satisfying, well i have to put on the references but it is basically done. today i went to campus for my seminar to find out that it had been cancelled - why they dont pass on this information is beyond me! have set up ellie and jon, and they are on their date tonight so this is all very exciting! Jon is a good bloke, very funny, very clever. ellie is a good girl - very funny, very clever, so it just seemed to go. am learning about motivation at the moment, its quite good...its all about how people in the work-place can motivate their employers...

anyways, am quite worried about young ben at the moment, so can the exeter people look after him, and give him the love that he needs...and to anyone else i hope that things are going ok. i have been feeling a bit better - had a horrid lecture yesterday - it was teh curse of my second year again - the philosophy of psychology again...but it was ok i suppose, 3-5 is just a dozey time to have a lecture...oh well.

am still hanging in there you know. i have people here to support me when i am down, and they make me laugh which is nice, and i still know that i have other people scattered around various parts of the country too.

and one last thing, i just want to say congratulations to my course friend rachel, who has just gotton herself engaged! there is still good in the world!

Hello blog

well, lectures have finally started, i had my first two yesterday. One was a bit hmm, it was interesting, but the lecturer was bit poor, and basically just read the handout, and not providing much else which i thought was a bit poor, so i think that this module will be quite hard. the other lecture was very meaty and was very interesting which was good, and what i needed, something to get my teeth into, but in this module there is a bit of confusion as to how it is going to be assessed, so its all a bit confusing..never mind. anyway, after the lectures i felt a bit bummed out if i was being completely honest so ellie, fiona and i all had a coffee and chat and we have agreed to set up small learning groups where we share the reading, and can bounce ideas off each other and stuff which should be good once we get them going.

anyways, i made my way home, and the lads came up to see me, and saw that i was a bit bummed. jon later came on msn, and we had a good old chat over the computer, he was also admitting that he felt really daunted which was actually quite relaxing as all the lads seem so cool about their work - but now at least i know that some of its a front. anyways, i also felt comfortable enough to tell him about my depression which was cool, and he was really supportive, saying in fact "you have a degree, have been accepted on a masters, and have me in a building - what more can you want?". i really cant complain about them, they have been really nice, they leave messages on my door inviting me to the stuff that they do, on monday i was honoured enough to go and watch university challenge with them!

i think that my anti-depressants are heightening some aspects of my personality, like my paranoia, and anxiety about certain things..have read the side-affects and this is expected, so..but have increased the dose to what i should be taking now....and have been to student support to make an appointment and thats next week, and so have done all i can at the mo...

anyways, back to nose in books for me...have already done two hours this morning! insanity indeed!

well we were due a quiz win....

This weekend I have actually really been working, and today i have read a stupid amount of journals but its all good, it getting me back into the swing of working, especially as my lectures start tomorrow (and not today as i has first thought, and only having walked to campus did i really this was the case). Anyways, on saturday i was reasearching for my practice essay, and in the evening i was invited to the pub with the lads.

sunday i went to the Mass here in Nottingham, they have it in the great hall and it is really well attended. I have said that i will sing in the music group, so we will see how that goes. I felt that the readings yesterday really struck a chord with me...i got a lot out of it. I met the Cathsoc after, and the post-grad committee member is actually one of my lecturers!

When i got back in i did reading fo journals and stuff in the afternoon, and in the evening i went to do a pub quiz with the guys which was cool. we came joint first, but if jon had written one of my answers then we would have actually won, and we came second in the best name competition, although everyone else said that we got the loudest cheer! anyway, we have won a free round of drinks one day this week which is good.

today, i have been working really hard all day actually..i have been making notes and reading chapters from books on the essay topic i have chosen. i have been getting side-effects from the anti-ds still, and tomorrow i start the full dose, so we will see how that goes. lectures start tomorrow too, its a heavy day actually. and one day this week will sit down for a few hours and write this essay that i am reading for, and have actually planned now too. and i also made my appointment with student support today, so we will see how they turn out, and my tutor sent me a really nice email so thats all good too.

am holding on in there you know, i know that i have to do this, and i know that i want to do this, so i just have to be strong dont i? my africa team have all been praying for me which is so nice, nut prayers from any blog readers will be cool too. and i have some really nice people supporting me here too, and have just had a right giggle with my flat mates which is so nice.

Back on....

well, yesterday was a day of completely mixed emotions for me...it really was. In the night i had to tell my neighbour and her "live-in" boyfriend (breaking many rules) to stop arguing as i was trying to sleep! I then had to get up five hours later so that I could officially register at the uni! I did, and now i am an official student at Nottingham. I then went to register with the health centre, and as the loevly nurse was talking to me, it juts all came out...all my blocked up emotions of the week, just bubbled over...she was so nice about it...she was a Christian and said to me "Well, at least you have somebody extra special you can turn to dont you?". she took me right over to the doctor, and the doctor saw me, and he has put me back on the anti-d's, I am to take a smaller dose for the first few days, to let my body get used to them, and then I have to double the dose. so there we go, i did it...and it feels like a big relief just to have told a professional and admit to having a problem.

anyways, my course mates were really sweet, and saw that i had had a little tear, so were just making me laugh, especially when martin had put that he drank 50 units of alcohol a week on his doctors form, so he was offered alcohol counselling! anyways, we had the last of our compulsary talks for the week. I went to the post-grad event for the day, but nothing much happened, but two people from Cloisters were there, and so we came back together, and arranged a time to meet in the evening, and then some of the guys came up for a chat.

in the evening, Liz, Lee, Andy, Ocean (cool name!), Jonathon, David,and a foreign student who is a split image for George Michael made our way into town for the evening postgrad event. i met a few people and chatted at the bar, and then we were joined by the last few cloister lads Adrian and Gareth (yep surrounded by lads looking after me!). I met my coursemates there too, who loved the fact that i was with bout 7 blokes! we all then went to a differnt club and had quite a good time! chatted to Lee and Andy when we got in, they are cool.

so am back on the anti-ds, am having some side-effects today, but i remember these from the last time i was on them, so i know that it will go away soon. am researching for my practice essay - its only 1000 words, on anything we wanted withing occupational psychology - have emailed a title to my tutor so I hope she will like it and tell me its ok.

thats it for now

Good girl...

today I have been a good girl. We had the student union talk today giving us all the info about the PGSA and the SU, and all the support services that we have available to us. I had also just received a text from my brother which said "its just a case of being confident and asking for help when you need it", and so the two things went together, and after the talk I went to the student support table, and the lady was so nice to me. I was a bit of a nervous wreck, and eyes were glazing slightly, and she said they would do all they could to help me...so tomorrow when i have my timetable on campus with me I will be booking my time to see them...I am finally getting my arse in gear about this. Couldnt let it go on for much longer, oh and i will be signing up for the doctors too, so we will see how they can help me and what they suggest too.

i then went to the poster sale, and saw something that made me very happy. As some of you may know, in Africa some of my prayer cards went missing, and i was gutted - especially cos i lost footprints - well they had it on a poster..and so now i have that on my wall, and it will remind me of what i already know, but sometimes in times of stress have a tendency to forget.

apart from that have not got lost once yet, and i even managed to find the Sainsburys - only 15 minutes walk away - bonus! am doing a lot of walking, it must be doing some good.

spoke to my other brother on the phone yesterday, and he basically told me that there was no option to go home, and that i have all their support which was good, and that he had all confidence in me, and he knows that i work hard, and will not waste this opportunity..i just wish i had his confidence...
anyways, have to look and think positive..in a years time i will be looking back at this and wondering what it was all about huh?

Nottingham Uni so far...

well as most of you may know, I have decided in some foolish manner that i was to come back to uni and do a masters, and i thought that I had the sufficient intelligence to do so. Well...on sunday i arrived to nottingham to start this year long course, and at the moment, I feel that on this sunday i should do a u-turn and go back home, saving a lot of money, and maybe my sanity. We have been having our induction briefings so far, and althought these are quite helpful in some respects, at the same time, they are making me feel very scared about it all, and i am having the will i cope alarm bells ringing frantically in my head. I am in a student flat which is quite nice...there is one other english girl with me, the rest are internationals. My course freinds are also surrounded by internationals, so it is nice to meet up with them, and hear other english accents. Not that i have anything against internationals at all, its just nice to speak to English people some time. Anyways, on monday ten of the english people from my block went to the pub which was really cool, and then last night our department did us a team bonding night/evening really so that we can do our full compulsory amount of mingling before you actuallu go insane...

am very scared at the moment. I have had my first panic attacks in ages, and it wasnt particularly pleasant. and i have had a few more since, and in the induction today i was nearly in tears because i just feel so stupid and pathetic about this all. I kindof just want the course to start so i can get my teeth into something, but at the same time i am thinking shall i just escape now because it will save a lot of money... oh i really have to go to the doctors, go to the chaplains,my tutot, and people, can you really pray for me...I feel that maybe i havnt been spending as much time as i could be with God, and so this really is my time...

Just to say that I am in Nottingham safe and sound, have manged to get the internet going all on my own, have not got lost yet (amazing I know!), and althought i have been naughty and gone out alone at night, i have not been approached by anyone but before anyone gets scared, i will nt be making a habit of it!

will tell you more about Nottingham another entry, cos this one I wanted to say Happy birthday my dear Benjamin Arnold! I hope that your liver survives this year...Thank you for being such an awesome friend, it really does mean a lot to me, and I hope that yo have had a good day! You are a star and make me laugh so much....and i really love that...i can be happy or miserbale around you and you dont care! cheers for being there my lovely! and welcome to the world of being over 21, and long may you enjoy it!

The mistake that i have made today is....



...that i am supposed to be in my flat at Nottingham, and infact I am still at home cos I got the date wrong...good start hey?! and to all those who said that I was clever enough to do a masters....

never mind, the good people at Nottingham will have my key ready for me to collect tomorrow, and then maybe some of my new flat mates will be there to wlecome me, so i wont feel like a big loser!


never mind zosh...you'll get somewhere eventually

Cake Making!

I baked a cake today - and it was a proper cake with flour, sugar eggs, and butter and everything - it even has plums in it! my mum is wanting to dig into it now, cos the whole house smells of the yummyness (and yes that is a word) And why? i hear you all say - Its my nans 76th birthday today, and she deserves a lot of things, and so i have got het some lovely flowers and made her a cake, and I am going to go round to her house later this evening, and give her a huge hug (I always do this anyway), and treat her like the quenn she is. Anyone who knows me , knows how proud I am of my nan, and she is the woman that I aspire to be, so I just want to say STOLAT Babcia, and love you more than you will ever know (and thats a hell of a lot of love). My babcia is the person that I do miss the most when I am away. she doesnt know this, but she sent me a letter whilst I was in Africa, and it took ages to come, but it arrived on my birthday - and i was so happy that it came on this day that I just cried my eyes out. That was the best present that anyone could have given to me - it was ace. and what Andrew as best man said in his speech about the Babcia test is so true - all you prospect boyfriends had better watch out!

Am glad to see that Ben has turned the corner and is on the cheery road again...and Ben i dont have that Mr Right just yet, hes a bit of a bugger really, and am at a loss as to what to do!

happy birthday babcia! kocham ciebie mocno.

Listening to a cd tonight whilst packing my clothes for uni, some of the lyrics really struck me, and so i am going to write some of them on my blog:

"I caught the briefest glimpse, I havent seen it since, When you smile at me Where'd you smile from. From insecurity"

"Have you ever let someone in to unmask you"

"And I'm hoping the God can make good things of our lives His love survives the greatest struggles"

"I wrestle with eternal questions"

"I push you away from me. protect myself"

Now its not often when music of the secular nature really speaks out to me, usually I just put a cd on, and sing to the tune, and ignore the words. but today, I have really been listening to lyrics of things, not just my cd, but songs on the radio too. Now 90% of the time, they really are drivel, but sometimes you can get gems.

Like I do push so many people away just to protect myself, and thats a huge weakness of mine, and sometimes i dont let people in to protect myself, because if I drop my guard, or if there is someone i like I dont tell them, because i know that its going to end in a huge fall, so i put up another barrier so that i can protect myself, and this is why it is hard for me to find a person i can trust, or even think to build a strong relationship with, and why when i do like people it usually ends in nothing for fear takes over.

I put on a happy face so many times...so much so, that my mum really says she doesnt know me a lot of the time, because I am so used to doing it, and that I will find it really hard to find true happiness because i have so much going on inside that I keep to myself that it is taking over me.

So when I heard the lyrics about the un-masking, and the protection of myself, and the smile of insecurity - i really understand...i really do.

And to end this, I really do hope that God can make a good thing of my life, and over the past few months I can see that His love can get me through some struggles, and so I am going to take this stength and continue....

The Exeter Review

Well this last weekend I went to Exeter, as I needed to escape the parents, and I wanted to see some people that I hadnt seen since February, and others who I wanted to see before I go to Nottingham. So on Friday afternoon, I got to Victoria Greenline Coach Station, and caught my coach to Exeter..to be texted on the way down to go to Arena...So when Ben collected me from the coach station...we dumped my stuff there, and headed over to Eds (didnt even change clothes, do my hair or put on make up). At Eds I met Hannah, who i have never met before, Dave, who i have never met before, Luke who I have met before, and of course Ed. We all went to Arena, and had a good night.

On Saturday I met Monica and Neil, and with Ben and Mark also we went to Paignton zoo, where every animal had to have a rhyming food source to keep it alive! The zoo was good, and thanks to the escaped Picary I had a gorgeous Hippo Honeycomb ice-cream. We got back, and I made tea for people, and then via Beer Box we went to Eds, where crazy games began, including how many people we could fit on an arm-chair, making a human pyramid, and getting a haribo from the forhead to the mouth by just using face muscles. It was a very fun evening, I laughed a lot.

On Sunday, I had a mini lie in, and then Ben and I made our way to Sacred Heart, on the way bumping into Tessa which was so nice. The service was Ok, but the hymns were dreadful. I really like to praise God through music, but couldnt because I, and many other people in the church did not know the hymns at all. This was disappointing. ben and i got food, and then made our way back to his, where we looked at James and Ellas wedding photos he got at the wedding! We then went to Belmont - I have never been to Belmont before, but I really enjoyed it. As I said on the post below, I had really good me and God time, and was really deep in prayer which was really satisfying, and it made a few things clearer for me. Ben and I then did a damn good quiz

On Monday, in the morning I cooked some of the food for the evening, including the biscuit base for the angel delight cake. Ben and I then looked through the lonely hearts, to find partners for each other, and then we made our way to town to meet the lovely always smiling Tessa, and to see my favourite book in film form - Pride and Prejudice - it was a good film. Having been informed by Mark that Monica cant have milk (she wouldnt be able to have had my angel delight cake), we got some chocolate and corn flakes to make crsipy cake. Was making both said cakes when Ed came over, and to Bens disgust, Ed got to lick out the bowls. people then came round, and we all (well I think we all) had a very good night. I beat Luke at chubby bunnies - i didnt think I would, he started so well, and I laughed a lot with Hannah - I cant even remember what was funny, but we laughed so much. She is a lovely girl.

Tuesday I came back home...and then visited my friend from school Helen, who noticed the eye contact thing straight away, and told me off...and she told me that I had to get all my depression, insecurities etc sorted. She is very strict, but says the truth.

And now, well now i am packing all my stuff up. I am feeling sick with nerves, and am feeling sorry for Ben, and I dont like hearing that he is down like this, and some of it is my fault. I have other things eating away at me, but my blog is not the place for them to come out. oh, and I had to fill in a Tearfund questionnaire/debrief/feedback form which was hard...like there was questions like "Did your team leader give you support?", and I really dread to think about the rest of my team wrote for this. But I sent this, and my report back this morning.

so Exeter people, thanks so much for a lovely time, and all your attempts at calming my nerves and my inadequacies. and to all those who are there, loom out for Ben for me.

am trying to be more cheery, so that people can leave a comment on the blog - it started off well, but has kindof gone downhill a bit really hasnt it?

Hey blog

Will blog more about exeter soon...but I just wanted to say a HUGE thank you to everyone who was there and looking after me these last few days. It was so nice to see you all again and catch up. I really needed to get away for a bit, and to forget about the things that have been bothering me and eating away at me over the last few months., and it really did work. I didnt think that I could fit so much into a three days! But, what Exeter did make clear to me was that i am still so insecure about so many things...i really noticed that i could not look anyone in the eye when i spoke to them, and that must really piss everyone off...and i felt so bad, and no matter how much i tried i just couldnt bring myself to do it. It made it clear that I still worry about my wieght and size too much and it also made it clear that I am not better, and that I can cover up all my problems much quicker then actually dealing with them head on which is what i should do, but dont do. and so, times when i had the opportunity to reflect on things (and one of the most important and special times for this was in the service at Belmont, during the talk about habakuk), I was praying really hard, and got quite emotional in what I was thinking and writing, and had some really good time with God, and I just thought and knew really that the best thing is for me to go back on the anti-depressants, and start up some counselling again. So i have to thank my trip down to Exeter for making that clearer for me.

But, yesterday - and i really must thank Hannah for this - I laughed like I have not laughed for a long time, and it was really good. thanks so much sweetheart.

Hey blog

right now i am feeling a bit shitty. I am excited about going to Exeter tomorrow to see people that I havnt seen in alomost 7 months, that will be fun...

but over the last few days I have been getting increasingly more scared about going to Nottingham and my masters. i know i want to do it, there is no doubting that - what gets me is the little voice i have in my head continually telling me "you're not good enough". I think its because its been a year since i have taken on study...and i have been reading a text book that we were told that we could read if we wanted to but we didnt really have to, and if you couldnt be bothered to then it really didnt matter (but hey, you all knew that i would read it), and some of it was really hard to understand...and i know that i will be different when we have lectures and seminars and whatnot and are taught these things, but you all know what i am like..forever worrying and panicing....its not helathy is it?

i think that i am going to have to go to the docs and ask about the old medication again...i really think that although its been 7 days off a year now, (and my the time i go to the docs it will be over a year), the last few months may have been a lot easier for me if I was on them, and stopped this stupid notion that i can do without them when basically i cant. This was proven to me on one evening of my holiday, when i just really couldnt be bothered to do anything, and i just lay on my bed and cried, and just felt totally useless, and just thought about how much i hated myself and how i am and who i am, and went thorugh a mental list of what i would change about me, and basically, it just seemed to be easier to say that a new me should be formed who would be better.

i would really appreciate some prayers at this time. When watching the news they had a report on the famine in Nigre, and i just felt so stupid to be complaining about my insecurities and totally minute problems, when they are literally starving to death - i felt sick. so can we pray for them too - really really pray that somehow something will happen to make their situation so much better.

but to all the exeter guys, see you soon, and i will try my best to be happy and smiling to see you all!

Whilst in my local library yesterday, i was in the Health and Psychology section, and I saw a book called "If I am so wonderful...then why am I still single?"

a question i ask myself everyday!

For a while now I have been feeling very down, and I haven’t had the chance to think why, what with hen-nights, dress fittings, weddings and debriefs. But this last week, I have had plenty an opportunity to think, and some of this has been very destructive, but why I feel like I do at the moment has become a lot clearer.

Before I went to Lesotho, the thing that I was praying about the most was that I hoped that my depression would not return, but unfortunately it did. I felt myself rejoining the downward slope that I had battled so hard to climb up, and I was so gutted. Now in Lesotho I had my good times and I had great times, but there were also very low times too, and it was so hard, as I felt like I had no-one to turn to, and I felt very alone. As you all know, a member of my team was sent home. Now this was not my decision, it was a joint decision by Tearfund and Scripture Union. But some of my team thought that it was me, and this was because of my role as team leader. The individual was being rude, laughing at the nationals when they were telling him that he was being culturally insensitive, and undermining me and insulting me wherever and whenever possible. This was so upsetting, and took away all my confidence. Now being team leader I was the key person for communication between the team and Scripture Union partners and Tearfund. So I had weekly meetings so I could be told where we were going right and wrong, occasions where we could be told off as a team, and many times when I felt like I had to apologize for the team actions, or an individuals actions. I was the person who had to pass on the information, and this constant responsibility of apologizing for things that weren’t my fault really did take its toll on me, and was taking so much away from my experience. Tearfund were worried about me and ringing me up so that I could have over the phone counseling, and just to tell me that they had a lot of faith in me (as I had thoughts about leaving myself). So the team thought that it was me sending the member home, and I got a lot of their anger, was being told that I was a failure, and that it was all my fault, and that if I had been a better team leader then this would not have happened. I do feel like a huge fat failure, I feel like I have failed the team, the member that was sent home, Scripture Union and Tearfund. I feel so guilty that I have failed all these people and this really does begin to hurt.

Some people have also been doubting the work and the success of the work that I did out there. Our work, we were told, despite having all the problems in the team was the best that a team has done out there. Our schools and committees excelled out there, from in most cases having no Scripture Union, to having two meetings a week, and from not reading the Bible, to be actively involved in choosing what Bible passages to study, and from being scared to pray, to praying out loud and with confidence. But people have just been saying that its only because I am white that these students wanted to impress us, and that it wont be continuing now. This really hurts. Does that really matter – the fact is, that these students in those 4 months were introduced to the works of God, and everything that He did for us, and the things that He still can do for us if we put all our trust in Him…now surely that’s the most important thing? These students knew that no matter what was going on in their private lives, we would come and see them two times a week, to encourage them, and pray with them, and be their friends. The fact that we had the chance to just sit and chat and pray with them is good enough for me, but the fact that my students who were too scared to talk to some other students before we came, but by the time we were leaving were running Scripture Union groups, dramatizing Bible verses, and praying with their friends was the important thing. And I really believe and pray that they will continue this. God was really working through us in the schools, and He would want this work to continue.

But the work that we did on the orphanages too…I really do believe that giving a kid 5 minutes of undivided attention is just something so special. The children there would not normally have had that, but we had time for them, we played with them, we drew with them, we pretended to be silly animals with them, we cuddled them, and we loved them. This is so much more that they previously had, and so for somebody to say that this was not worthwhile and that I didn’t make a difference hurts…especially when I still have little Jozefa in my head. He was 4, his mum is in a mental hospital, and I think his dad abandoned him because he had AIDS. He also has TB as his immune system is too weak, and when Save the Children could afford it he had steroids pumped into him. I love this child. Whenever I felt low I just thought of him, and his smile, and the way that he is living his life without even knowing that he is ill and the hard times that he has ahead. Jozefa kept me going, and on the last day he would not let me go. On having to leave all I heard from him was “No Nthabiseng, no. No go”. If somebody tells me that I could not have done anything worthwhile, I just think of Jozefa and the fact that I loved that child and he knew that somebody loved him.

But I was also scared about the relationships with you guys from home, and how much they have changed. I have met up with a lot of you already, but there are some people who I have contacted via various means, but have not heard anything from – people who I thought were close friends, and I can only think that I have hurt them in some way, or done something to upset them, and I am wracking my brain to think what. I know my contact in the months I was away was poor, but there was little means, and little time. I am scared that some people think that I didn’t miss them when I was away which is so wrong, as my bed was surrounded by pictures of friends and family to cheer me up when I was down, and the emails and texts that I could get when I was in South Africa and had signal had really encouraging, if undeserved messages in them, and it made my week/month to hear from you all, like you would not believe. I hope that people will still accept me, with faults and all. I am scared as I have missed a lot of peoples changes in the last four months that they will not like me, or I will be forgotten and this fear upsets me and plays on my mind.

Sorry this is such a long entry. I just had so much on my chest, that it was slowly driving me crazy, and these are just a few of the things that are getting me down, not to think of culture shocks, and uni plans…….

Bingo!
Right - I know Peter and Dav are sideways, but there is a picture of the happy couple, and they really and truly do look lovely (dont know how to rotate!)






Me, Harriet and Alex proudly displaying our bouquets at the reception










Harriet, me and Alex waiting for Peter and Davina to come out of the church

Am feeling very crap at the moment, but strangely am not in the mood to write about it, as there are so many things making me feel down.

Just want to see if this works

Thats me and the other two bridesmaids (harriet in the middle, and Alex - Davina's sisiter on the right)

The wedding of Peter and Davina Bajorek

Staurday 6th August 2005, saw my second wedding in eight days. This wedding was that of my brother Peter, and his fiance Davina (Dav). We went up on the friday as its a long drive up to the small yorkshire dale village of Muker where Davina grew up, and where the marriage was going to take place in the local parish church. Peter wanted the marriage to be recognised by the Catholic church, and so had done all the necessities for that already. On the Friday they had the practice run...and then we had a whole fanily get together - it was so nice - my mums sisters, husbands and children all came up too, and we had an evening together.

On saturday morning Peter was so relaxed it was really good to see. We had our breakfast in a B&B, and then we went for a walk in the Dales, with Peter stopping every few minutes wth flahes of inspiration as to what to say in his speech. We had to cut the walk short, as my mum and I had to make our way to Davinas as I had to have my hair done, and so bridesmaid things, and my mum had to help sort out the cake that we had brought from London with us. When I arrived Davina was also very calm....seriously in the last 8 days I have not witnessed any of the wedding day jitters I hear so many people talk about. We gace Davina her presents - consisiting of champagne, chocolates, strawberries, cream, flip-flo[s, sarrong and pamper productsand then we had a champagne toast and the the hairdresser started on our hair. It was quite Pride and Prejudice styled - it was curled, and then pinned to the sides, and then had some flowers put into it - all us bridesmaids looked the same.

Now Muker only has about 30 houses in it, and Davina lives next door to the church, and so we were watching all the guests arrived, and then I got a glimpse of Peter walking into the church - and I wa proud to be called his sister - he look so good and smart. We then put on our dresses, and helped davina with hers - she looked truly stunning, and then had our photos.

The church service was just lovely...it brought a tear to my eye. I could not believe that that was my brother getting married, I had this really strange feeling in my stomach. They had the tradiational 1 Corinthians 13:1-13 reading (at least I will have a happy memory for this reading now - I usually assosciate it with my babcias funeral, as that is what was read then), and they also had a traditional blessing read whoch made me teary a bit - as it was just beautiful. The vows were said, and that was it they were married.

Then there was the reception. This was done in the village hall just next door to the church. All the guests mingled outside (this is where Harriet, Alex and I played a role as bridesmaids in the mingling), while some photos were taken, and bubbly was handed out, then we had the line-up, and then the reception. Andrew (my oldest brother and Best-Man) did an amazing job in welcoming them in, and looking after them. After every course I did my mingling, making sure people were happy and ok and so forth...and everytime i went to a different table, people kept n offereing me a drink - at one point I had five drinks scattered around the room. the second time I mingled I made sure i had a drink in hand so that didnt happen anymore!

The speeches came next. Mr Hepworth did a very good speech, and I think my brother was happy with what was said. Then came Peters speech - i was so proud of him. peter is usually so shy, and i was so worried with how his speech woucome out, but it was great. Basically, he ran on the theme that people had said he had made a good choice with davina, but to him it was not a choice, but it was something that was just natural to the both of them, and that he never thought that he could be so in love with someone - seriosly made me blubber - and his speech finished with a toast to the bridesmaids (of which a lot of people had mentioned how they had heard a lot of singing coming from that side of the church...guess who that was?!) Andrews speech as Best Man was also soooooo good. It was just so Andrew and Peter, and mentioned family things like the Babcia test (the test that any partner of a grand-child has to go through) - and this really got me, as at this point we were reminded to think of her and my grandad as she was not able to make it to the wedding - this raelly got me, and I blubbered big time. A big toast to the happy couple was made, and more mingling ensued, but this time I was getting hugged due to the tears, by friends of Peter and Davina, and family.

We then had a barn-dance - now all who were at James and Ella's wedding will know how much i enjoyed myself there, so this week was no different, but dancing in my bridesmaid dress was much harder, the drapes at the back kept on getting caught, but it was great fun, and I kept on losing my shoes, as in the times when we had to make baskets, this week I was lifted from the floor, and then I had one very bouncy partner who insisted on twirling me around at the end of every dance - shoes flying in all directions - co-incidently - if i had money for every time I had, Zosia you look beautiful, or Zosia you look stunning, if only i didnt have a girlfriend - i would be one very rich lady.

After the barn dance was the disco - to which when the invites were sent out all guests were told to reply with two disco tunes to get ultinate dancibility! It was the bridesmaid jobs to get more then 5 people on the dance floor, which was fine, as we made up three of the five, and the ushers (Guy and Stef - Peters friends from school and uni) made up the other two. Now i had rashly made a bet with davinas friend Ed that I would beat him as what is known in the Dales as Bastard dancing, and so some amazing dance floor treats were seen. And i was level pegging with Ed, until Alex (davinas sister) and I found the steps to the stage, and I was all round victor. Peter and Davina left at 12, and on their way into the cab, Davina through her bouquet, and somehow - i really dont remember how - its all a blur and happened so quickly, it ended up in my hands! the disco continued without them, and Alex and I were on stage surrounded by the male freinds of Davina and peter when the full monty track played (oh we were very embarressed when reminded about this on sunday morning), and soon the end of the night came, and back to the B&B we went.

So i now have one married brother - it is very strange. Very strange. But he is so happy, and so is Davina, and that is just what is so important. I really pray that they stay this happy together, and that God is with them through the highs and the lows

And for me, 2 weddings attended, 2 bouquets caught - 1 major problem with the getting married part - the story of my life really isnt it.....

oh - and the vicar got my brothers name very wrong during the service - it was so funny even though "I have been practising it all week"...davina didnt mind, as she said that it made her attempt sound better. God really must help the priest at my wedding then!

ps - this colour is the most similar i could find to the colour of the bridesmaid dress that i was wearing

The Wedding of the Preeces

Well the weekend just gone saw my first wedding of the 8 days, and this was the wedding of James and Ella, two very good friends of mine. I went up to Hull last thursday as I was going to Ellas Hen-night - a very nice meal in a reastaurant followed by a drink in the pub, and when arriving back to halls, I joined the stag night on their return.

Saturday was the wedding. We were all up for breahfast and then went to sit on the landing for a long time - James was very very calm. It took me quite a while to get readyhair and make-up taking the longest, and then we went to the church - James was there an hour and a half early. Norris and I did a bit of clothing swapping - He had my hat, scarf and shoes, i had his tie and jacket and shoes - oh it was a stunning display. The service itself was a lovely affair...Fr Pat is an interesting character, cracking jokes left right and centre, but it was a lovely service - good choice of readings and hymns! The reception was lovely too...the meal was gorgeous, and I had great company on my table - we laughed a LOT! James and Ella cut the cake, and then there were the speeches. Ella's dad did a great speech, James didnt have one prepared but it was still good, and Marks speech was very funny...and the Polish brigade did STOLAT it which was great. The barn dance (well it was a caleigh - spelt as its said not as it should be spelt), was amazing! all but one dance danced by the zosh, and the Exeter boys are surprisingly good on their feet! well done Ben, Norris, Mark and Dan on your dancing (Dan i thought your Polka was particularly good)...and well then it was the bouquet - no-one caught it exactly as Ella threw it with sime gusto that it landed behind us on the floor - but i charged and reached it, and very guiltily swept it from under the nose of a five year old..feeling very guilty I went back to offer it to her, but she said in a Northern accent (having the Northern accent in the back of your mind is important for this) "No, its ok, I dont want to get married anyway"....well I do, so I kept it!

Sunday, we went to Church, and then the few that were staying went to james and Ella's house, and while they were at a meal, we stocked up their fridge with food, and made a fort in their front room with cushions and throws.

Monday we went to Whitbty, and Tuesday I came home

Thank you both for a lovely 5 days...and Good Luck for the future

The Lesotho Debrief

Yesterday was a trip to the Tearfund office in Teddington to be debriefed about my time in Africa...two of the team members Greg and Hannah didnt turn up. Now it was lovely seeing the team again, it really was, and i cant really comment much on what was said as it is confidential, but it brought up a lot of issues that I did not want to talk about but i was forced into talking about it, and it is still very upsetting for me...i hadnt really thought about it that much, as i hadnt had much time to, but when i was being asled all these detailed questions it juts took me back in time to when i was feeling my crappest, and being told thatI was useless and a failure, that I was a crap team-leader, that I was crap at my responsibilites, and had all my confidnec swipped out of me. It just made me feel like if I was better at what i was doing, or if I had acted differently. or if I had been - oh i just dont know anymore, then we would not have had all the problems in the team that we did, and Greg would not have been sent home. It just makes me feel like a failure really. When I was talking I just didnt know what to say, and i was going over and over things in my mind again, and its not heakthy at all. I was just so fed up of constantly having to apologise for bad behaviour that wasnt mine behaviour, and so sick of hearing complaints about a team member that wasnt me, and being told that I had to try an control him, when he was just completely undermining me. I just didnt know what to do, and I did the best thing that I thought that I coulkd at the time, but blatently, it wasnt the best thig...and i am just well useless. So that was so hard yesterday, and to be honest I still cant get it fully out of my mind I really cant. Its driving me a bit crazy, just going over what could have beens, and what should have beens...and just continually re-analysing it. So i reckon what was probably supposed to be something to make you feel better about the trip, ahd just made me feel quite crap again, and I hate feeling like this

The Next Wedding

Well tomorrow we head to the Yorkshire Dales for a town called Muker (pronounced Mewker) for the wedding of my Brother Peter, and his Fiance Davina. It is so strange that my brother is getting married - very strange, but lovely all the same. Unfortunately my babcia isnt going, as she is a bit poorly and has to look after my dziadzio (paryers for both of them are always welcome), and my brother is doing lots of last minute things - men! My bridesmaid dress is ready - i havnt seen the finished article yet, and my outfit for James and Ellas wedding is going to be worn by my cousin who found it hard to find an outfit for this wedding (well it took me ages to find mine - so i happily lent it to her). So can we pray for Peter and Dav this weekend that the wedding goes well, and that they have a lovely future together....